the Pounding of horse hooves..

.. is what my baby's heart beat sounded like this morning.. music to my ears..

**started this blog entry sat morning and was trying to post video with it, but mobile Blogger kind of sucks for video posting, and we are once again out of town, with friends, for the new year.. and I thought I would be fine without the doppler for just two days.. I'm counting down the hours- not until midnight tonight, but until we get home tomorrow afternoon and I can hear baby's heartbeat again!
I'm sure every PGALer will join me in this - "god bless the inventor of the home doppler!!!!!"

Franken-Blogger..

I'm here. I'm alive. I'm in the midst of a fabulous Christmas week with family in Texas: zoo visits, big family meals, (virgin) mimosas and bloody marys, dice and card games til I can barely keep my eyes open (i.e. 9pm) and Michael Buble singing "Ill Be Home for Christmas."
Regular blogging will resume, briefly, in 3 days, until we head back out of town for a new year's getaway with a few friends.. merry Christmas, happy holidays to you and yours!

a Sigh of Relief

There's arms... and legs.... and they waved at us....

It was awesome...

I'm 8w5d, measured one day ahead - hb is 181 (I told hubby the old wives' tale that it means its a girl... he said "aw hell no...")

But we're giddy.   Cuz this is the farthest we've ever successfully gotten...
so. 

There's a baby in there. 

With arms and legs that move.

I'm in love...

And now I'll finally wrap the baby books we got for IL's to open tomorrow night with the above picture tucked in... I can't freaking wait*




*I'm also slightly nervous - E had a baby brother who passed away before 3 years old from (I think) leukemia... And guess whose birthday my EDD falls directly on?

E is saying MIL will freak out, in a GOOD way... I envision her crying, and me crying (cuz I cry at EVERYTHING now, including commercials for Campells soup, what with the happy little family tucked away with tomato soup and grilled cheese on a snowy day...)


**also another "cool" fact for anyone who thinks of things like this - my O date was a few days right before E's grandfather passed, so I'm thinking conception/implantation happened damn near the same day...

Ok enough of the UnsolvedMysteries thing going on here... I'm gonna go stare some more at the arms and legs...

=)

The fBFF Saga

So you all (probably) know my acronym fBFF - former BFF.

We were "Besties" for a few years, MOH's in each other's weddings (in fact I was her only bridal party, how fun THAT was planning - AND PAYING for - an entire bridal shower by myself.  just awesome)

But then, she had a CP two weeks before I found out I was pregnant last time, and she was fine - came over excited to hear about my first appointment, brought a "care package" with lemons drops for nausea, Mama Bee belly butter, etc...

And then she got pregnant.

And then I had a miscarriage.

And then she was an utter twat- 

Failed to ever reach out again afer texting me the week of the D&C.

Raved on about how far she was, and her first appointment when I finally thought, if I dont pull up my BGPanties - and asked HER, 1 week post MY D&C, how SHE was doing in her just-fine-pregnancy


Said things like:

*I'm sure you're being barraged by texts and "I'm sorries" but I just want you to know that miiiine mean the most!
*I know you're sad and this was a traumatic experience, but you want a healthy baby and it was in god's hands.  and you will get pregnant again (I think sooner than you think!)
*(when I told her, no - I had SURGERY and we have to wait a few months) I know it sucks - at least you won't be fat and uncomfortable this summer... april/may is a nice time to have a baby.
*(on my birthday, when really, I think, the day should be about the birthday girl) Happy Birthday - BABY [fBFF] IS A BOY!!!!


So you can probably understand how the relationship soured... Yea, it takes two to tango - I haven't reached out to her, but neither did she - even in the weeks following, as she put it, "what WAS a Traumatic Experience."  (She used this term no more than 3 days after the D&C)

So I'm bitter.  I'm annoyed that, throughout any time she needed a friend (her father died, her brother's baby mama caused drama (shocker right?) or when she liked a guy THAT WAS ALREADY ENGAGED ** spoiler alert, the engagement was broken off - she is now married to said guy) I was there.  I would come over and just sit and cry with her when she needed to sort through her father's things and needed someone to say "c'mon, these you can keep, but really? used tissues?!I love you, but GARBAGE!"

It took me this whole experience to realize that it was the first time I needed someone to be there. 

And she wasn't...

And I realized, I felt no gaping hole in my life when she was gone from it... When I grabbed the phone to call someone for help, or a shoulder, or for a much-needed girls' night - not once did I go for her number... not once did I ever "miss" that I didn't have her...




So.  Here we are about 8 months later.  And she is scheduled for a c-section next Wednesday.

And I was grateful for that timing because, well - here's my schedule for the next 6 days (while working full time and preparing for being out of the office for almost two weeks!):
Friday - heading to NYC as soon as home from work to stay with My Muffin
Saturday - Christmas shopping, and a big Fire Department dinner with E and the new fire department
Sunday - finishing up shopping, and Christmas drinks/cakes at SIL's house to exchange gifts (round 1)
Monday - finishing up shopping for MY family
Tuesday - NEXT U/S! And the second of two company holiday parties, this is an obligatory one I have to attend as CFO...
Wednesday - Exchanging gifts (round 2) AT OUR HOUSE (hence need for house cleaning, and getting party-ready) with ILs and must pack for 9am departure for TX...

So when E said he's going to the hospital to see fBFF and family Wednesday, I was a little surprised (as his schedule is basically the same thing) and said as much - "Not to be mean, but REALLY - do we have TIME for that??"

And he called me bitter, blah blah blah.

I have to admit, I'm glad that I'm so busy I can say, "I'm really just juggling a million things and can't make it!"

But I know fBFF is going to sit there and think, while E is there seeing them with his abundance of extra time that day (?!??!?!!) "What a selfish twat couldn't even come to the hospital to see someone who wasn't a friend to her at all when one was needed the most - she's just so jealous I was pregnant!"

*sigh* I think the Saga's gone on long enough, and was not near as much enjoyment as the T.wilight Saga... so I'm ready to close the book on this one... except I have to see them at SOME point, and tell them about the pregnancy - and she'll pretend to be all excited, and I could care less...

The good, bad and ugly

Good - E is out doing holiday Fire Department things tonight, which means I get to eat whatever my pregnant heart desires, healthy or not (rest assured, I'm all fruits and veggies and nuts during the day so I deserve some mac'n'cheese and CaramelCone icecream for dinner!)

Bad - this PGAL brain.  It's killing me.  And my doppler is taunting me from its box...

Ugly - I'm about to cry I'm so frustrated - the stitches (from the mole excision) are on my right side.  I sleep (or USED to sleep) on my right side... and stitches dont come out for another week...


The Awesome! - I was going to remind all you lovely people today to go vote for the lovely KristyKay to win an IVF video contest.  Well, you should still go see her - and tell her CONGRATULATIONS - the girl's KTFU and I couldn't be more excited!

Celebration Dance Time



derm appt

So Friday's procedure, the mole excision, went well... (After I sat, topless in a paper vest/gown for 20 minutes while they waited to speak to my OB-GYN to get permission, because the doctor did not remember (?!) I was pregnant - when I reminded her she asked me, "Did I know this last time?!" ... facepalm)

Anyways - there was an older nurse, a British lady - who was so absolutely sweet and so British (we even have the same name!) and she was cute talking about "you're probably the same weeks as Princess Kate! How fun!"  And as distractions during the procedure, she asked where I would deliver, and if I had names picked out,  if "any food had put me off yet" and I finally interpreted her Brit-speak to mean, if any I had any food aversions yet...

During the cleanup afterwards (as she mopped up blood and all that fun stuff) I told her I'd had a miscarriage in May, but that we were still going to do big announcements for our families - and surprise, surprise - she's a card-carrying member of the SuperSecret Miscarriage Club too! (complete with D&C) and we were able to talk about miscarriages and how taboo they are, and WHY THE HELL IS THAT?!

It was awesome, I almost started crying - I wanted to hug her, but then remembered I was still topless under that paper-vest...


A side note - the doctor had to cauterize before stitching, because I couldn't have the epinephrine shot (helps prevent bleeding) - and it DOES NOT smell good...
A few stitches later, me and my bra-less self were released to finally go nom everything in sight at Starbucks (their Artisan ham sandwich is just absolutely AMAZING to me right now...)


And then I Slept.  All.  Weekend.

It was awesome.

Season premiere had fab ratings!

Sorry for the suspense (but it makes for a better season premiere!!) and in this case, no news = GOOD NEWS.

We saw a perfect little blueberry, with a hb of 130 at almost EXACTLY 7w.

I'm in love...


Now that you know the ending, let's do one of those "2 hours earlier" backtracks they like to do, because the appointment definitely started on the wrong foot... At reception, they usually have this very formal sign-in sheet that has the time you arrived, your name, if you're getting a sono, the dr you're seeing, etc.  And by usually, I mean they've had it EVERY SINGLE TIME I've gone for the past 5+ years... So excuse me when I was a little confused when I saw STICKERS on the clipboard now that just say patient name... And the twat of a receptionist was all, HELLOOOOO there's a sign-in sheet right there, seeeeee? It says "Pay-shunt Naaaame."

Whatever, this bitch ain't raining on my parade today...  So sono-tech calls my name (the same sono tech as The Appt - and we remember each other, and she smiles all big like, YAY I'm so glad to see her back here and pregnant!) and E and I go back...
She does the whole clean-urine-sample spiel, and I take off to the bathroom with the little sterile-stamped plastic cup - and proceed to bobble it down the hallway, thankully BEFORE I peed into it - and then nearly collapsed in nervous/hysterical gigglesnorts... Of course, I peed on my fingers later because my palsy-hands couldn't hold still from the nerves of finding out in a few short minutes about Blueberry...
So, god bless her, the u/s tech said almost the second she got the dildo-cam in, "Well, THAT looks good!" And my heartbeat calmed from the pounding 180bpm it was... She took all her nifty measurements, and finished up saying, ok so we'll see you next for the NT scan!

I said, waaaaaaait a second - we're going out of town in 2w, most importantly to tell my whole family, and is it possible to have an u/s then as it's post-loss-milestone and would help GADS to ease my PGAL mind?  the sono-tech skirted answering, saying insurance companies (blah blah blah) and I should ask the dr later...

So we got called back again to see Dr (pap and breast exam, yay - I told E he could wait in the waiting room... lol) I got undressed, and am sitting in those awful open-front gowns, and realized right as the doctor came in that my thong was sitting out on top of my clothes!

Hold a hot minute - seriously?! this woman is gonna see my lady-parts under a SPOTLIGHT, with dildo-cam lube still oozing (what, tmi?) and I'm worried about my underwear not being tucked out of sight?!

So long story short (well, not really, it's already a long story - ANYWHO) the doctor understood the second I inquired about another u/s in 2 weeks - she immediately recognized the loss-milestone and said, absolutely not a problem, we'll get you back in before the holidays!

I was so relieved I wanted to hug her - and then remembered, my tits were hanging out of the open-front gown, she'd just shoved two-lubed fingers, well - you know where - and she'd seen my thong hanging out on top of my clothes.... so I settled for a giddy, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Cliff hangers

I hate, hate hate big cliff-hangers at season finales - (if you're not current on Grey's Anatomy, stop reading now)

GA's writers shoot McDreamy and leave him LYING THERE at the end of one season! seriously?!

But you know, with these cliff-hangers, the ending's already written out there somewhere, it's already been decided whether McDreamy lived or died.  We just didn't know until MONTHS later...

I feel like I've been on a cliff-hanger for the past few weeks... the story's written, the writers know what will happen, and are ready to watch the audience squirm and writhe until they can know too...

with my first u/s in 2 hours (ohmyfuckinggodI'mgonnathrowup!) the big season premiere is coming, where you learn what happens to our leading lady...


It took me 30 minutes to finally make my mind stop in the middle of the night (after getting up to pee - GOOD SIGN)
It went in cycles - I would spend 1 minute reassuring myself, K you've had no cramping, no spotting, nice bloat going - definitely bigger/sore boobs - ALL good signs....

and then the PGAL bitch roared through like a tornado

*breathe in, breathe out...

I've shaved my legs (and other necessities).
I've got on cute little socks (not to be cute, but to cover my horrendously-in-need-of-a-pedi winter feet).
repeat to self as you walk confidently into that office:

I (step)
am (step)
preg- (step)
nant (step)

Working Hard?

Well, it's definitely closer to the "Hardly Working" end of the spectrum...

Apparently my brain has decided to abandon me and my work To-Do list this week...

Each day at 4:45 I think, oomf - didn't get around to THAT today, MUST get it done tomorrow...

And then it's tomorrow and it's 4:45 again...

It's like the waterfall drinking you do during a game of Kings  (never played Kings you say?  If you've ever been to a college-party, you've played Kings, probably under some different name according to the region of the U.S. you were in... kind of like "FlipCup" on the east coast is "Flippy cup" in IA... heehee)

But yea - how is waterfall drinking like my work to-do list again?  Well each day's list gets added to the list from the day before, and it keeps building and building... Because my motivation has straight up and left me.

Thank god I will have a blissful 2 full weeks off (*GASP* in healthcare?! 2 weeks off?! CAN'T WAIT!) for the holidays to go see family all around the country, where the only motivation I need to muster is to get from the couch to the kitchen for more homemade Chex Mix...


Oh, go leave some hugs for my dear friend Weaslewam as she hopefully comes through today's loss EDD, whole and out the other side, having used as many tissues and cheese sticks as she needs...

When the phone rings...

So I think I mentioned, I went to the dermatologist over a week ago to have a mole (or two) checked out, and while she said they were "clinically benign," I opted to remove one.  Said mole was biopsied, and the doc said she would call back in a week with the results.

Well, almost a week exactly from the appointment, the phone rings.  (I don't answer numbers I don't know - long story that involves stalkers and debt collectors, both belonging to a person who does NOT reside at my phone number...)
So when I hear the voicemail that the doctor "has [my] biopsy results, and wanted to speak to [me] about them, please call when [I] have a few minutes..." I figured something was most definitely amuck with my mole...

It came back as "slightly irregular under the miscrope" and that "they both decided" (both being.... doctor and her husband? I'm not sure who she consulted on this... lol) that they wanted to go back in and take out more, which now involves stitches... just lovely.

So now this week I have to swing loooong lunches from work for (*gulp*) the first OB appointment (and ultrasound!) Thursday, and the "procedure" at the derm. office on Friday... I've decided, under the guise of still being "not pregnant" at work, to tell said work that both appointments are for the derm - procedure on Thursday, follow-up on Friday.  Clever, eh?

Speaking of ultrasound - E and I are in the process of making plans to go to Canada for New Year's, and when our friends started looking for a commitment for the trip, E says to me:
"obviously things are up in the air for me and u until at least we find things out at the appointment."

Which confuses me... If (god forbid - and maybe I'll say "the worst happens Thursday" still in parantheses, as the universe may not read all these footnotes) we are still going to see my family for a week at Christmas, where we will act all cheerful, and drink glug (and lots of peppermint martinis) so what's a trip to Canada with friends? (Universe, if you DO read the footnotes, please don't let me have just "jinxed" this all...)


Anyways - now a word from our local sponsors:
The talented KristyKay over at Strength, Hope, and Everything InBetween has entered a video IVF contest*, and needs all our votes on December 11th!  (*Her video is 7th from the top) Check out the videos for now (but you can't like any of them more than Kristy's) and put up your calendar reminder to vote on December 11th!!

too tired for The Monday Blues...

Thanks for all the hugs on Friday - the weekend wasn't as morose as it might have seemed...
We got our Christmas decorations all up (E did the outside lights, I did the interior decorations) and this year, we got a fake, pre-lit tree.  We've done a fake one for a couple of years, but this is the first year we did pre-lit... I used to think people with pre-lit trees were lazy asses, but now I'm an owner of a pre-lit tree - and yes, I am a lazy ass (or just insanely tired...)

We also did, for the first time, a mono-colored tree = all clear lights, and all gold ornaments - so pretty! now, when I can find a minute where I don't want to fall face first into my dinner plate, I will wrap gifts to put under our pretty tree...

And that's basically it.  I'm tired.  All.  The.  Time...

oh, and first appointment is this Thursday.... fly time, fly!!

alternate universe

Somewhere, in some distant parallel universe, I'm getting ready to have a baby...

Somewhere, I am wondering if these are THE contractions, and not just Braxton Hicks...
Somewhere, I start watching the clock and counting off minutes in between... 4 minutes... 3 minutes...
Somewhere, I call E (and Somewhere, he's most likely doing some fire department thing so it may take awhile to get in contact) and tell him, "Honey, it's Time!"

Somewhere, I mentally go over the checklist and make sure The Bag has everything we'll need...
Somewhere, I call my parents and IL's and let them know, It's Started.

Somewhere, I warn E not to kill us on the drive to the hospital...
Somewhere, they snap a plastic bracelet that says "Daddy" onto my husband's wrist...



Here - I look at the calendar and see the EDD for a baby I will never meet.



But the sharp edges aren't as blunt as they used to be - now they are slightly rounded, and made a little softer by a new little sweet pea, for whom I pray, every minute of every day, and that, in about 34 weeks, will be Here.

Tis the Season...

Any energy I've had the past few weeks has gone towards getting through the work day so I can get home and crash on the couch...

hence the reason that this simple project, a holiday felt garland, took over 1.5 weeks... but I can finally say it's finished and hanging up... (whew)

the beginnings last week:

The pieces (I added gingerbread men the next night)

Getting ready to string it all up:

Finished product (FINALLY)



And you know, one more - since this entry is so JPEG heavy...

For shits and giggles and because I'd heard LH and HSG are VERY similar, and hcg would trigger a positive (and because I just can't stop this PIAC fetish...) I present to you an OPK at 5w3d:

Leaking and can't remember my witty title...

So I was parked on the couch all day Sunday, unshowered in my PJs, watching the tail end of a movie I'd never seen - The Ant Bully.

Apparently some kid was being mean to ants, so some ant wizard shrunk him to their size so he could begin to empathize with the ants... (who the hell is writing kids' movies lately?? This is the best you could come up with??)
Anyways - so like I said - I only saw the last 20 minutes or so.  So who the hell can explain why I started crying when the little boy was finally able to "THINK like an ant!" motivated by the cheers of the six-legged colony?!?!


And don't get me started on the brain farts... by 6:30 I still hadn't moved from the couch (except for numerous bathroom and kitchen trips for emptying of bladder and filling of stomach) when I got a text from a girlfriend:

"Hey is everything ok?"

OH SHITFUCKCRAP

Apparently, the plans I made to have dinner at my girlfriend's, Sunday night at 6pm, completely just up and left my brain at some point...

BUT - I will gladly take the embarassing sob fests at poorly-written children's movies and a seive for a brain for this pregnancy...
First appointment is a week from Thursday - and I'm already considering staging the ultimate PGAL freak out with the nurse who helped me through the mc, in hopes that she'll suggest an u/s NOW to ease my mind... At least these first few weeks feel like they're passing quicker than the first pregnancy - it probably didn't help that I checked my ticker/countdown apps HOURLY as opposed to the every-other-day fashion I have currently adopted...



Also - please send serious hugs and T&Ps to LauraKat and her husband, she just news of a not-so-great 2nd beta...

Failing & Moles...

So I was all so excited Saturday to get going on the photo-class assignments, and then decorating for christmas...

Ha.

I went outside with my camera to find some nice leaves blowing in the wind for a quick-shutter shot, and when the wind wouldn't cooperate and I got too cold, I gave up and went inside.  After 5 minutes. Fail.

And then - I decided (whether out of sheer laziness or true "It's-still-too-early" fashion) I wasn't going to put up Christmas decorations until it was officially December - my little pumpkins still look so cute with all the fall leaves and pumpkin candles!

So after fighting overzealous crowds to get some Christmas shopping done, I came home and worked on a Christmas garland I saw almost a year ago on this awesome blog (and here I am, yes, a year later, finally getting it done!) *pictures to follow*



And my mom is so proud of me* - I had an appointment this morning with a dermatologist to check out some moles.  *(Her side of the family has a strong history of skin issues like basal cell carcinoma and squamous cell.)  And you know - I'm hitting that weird age when health care professionals, DOCTORS, are my age - and they walk in and I'm all, "Aren't you a little young to be a DOCTOR?!"

 So she sits and asks all the questions - that I ALREADY ANSWERED on the paperwork thats sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER in my file...
She notes the only medications I'm on - PNVs - and I wait for the question, wondering if she's asked patients before and gotten no's because it takes a good 5-6 minutes: "ARE you pregnant? Or just trying?"

When we discuss the removal of the mole that's bugging me, I ask if the shots required are safe during pregnancy - she says one isn't, but they can do the removal without it - good news.

So while I'm laying back, holding my shirt down and thinking Thank god I shaved my armpits this morning!, she asks if this is my first pregnancy - no.  And then she asks "So how old's your first?"

But doctor didn't get all awkward when I told her, oh no - it ended in a miscarriage.  She was very quick to offer a sincere "I'm so sorry..." and move on to the task at hand. 

So now I'm mole-less on my right ribcage, and the photo-class assignment is officially late (not that the class is for credits or anything that requires a "Pass") so tonight I'll be changing bandages, trying to get assignments done, finishing up the Christmas garland that I'm not ready to hang yet, and moving onto the fourth and final week's photo class at the same time... typical.

Mission: Impossible

We just got back from staying over at our friends' house after the birthday party (we conveniently skipped the skating part for anyone curious...)  *We stay with our friends because they live near the birthday girl, who lives about an hour south, and that's just a crappy drive to make late at night...

So we walked into Mr. and Mrs. Friends' apartment last night with our dogs, and of COURSE - they offer us a pre-party drink... *ahem* no, ummmm.... I think I'll wait to "drink" til we get to the bar...

And Mr. Friend, within 4 seconds of us arriving, starts asking about a bun in the oven... JEEEESUS the guy's a hound dog... I chuckled, shook my head no - and made sure to "sip" E's beer in front of him while at the bar later... not sure if he fell for it... OH WELL.

I'm finally really moving along on the BuggyList* online photography class - we're in week 3 and diving into shutter speed and aperture - ISO, white balance, and F-stops - OH MY!

I have 36 hours until the "assignment" is due, so I'm off to be all artsy-fartsy!  (I almost guarantee I'm going to be submitting pictures of Christmas shit, because YES - I'm getting out aaaalll the decorations today - 'TIS THE SEASON!!)

The bewbs are back!

Sore boobs that is - woke up this morning and (grope here, grope there ) - YUP.  Still most definitely tender.

And - I made it without POAS.  Officially.

And (as evident by last night's turkey-coma-post) I am on an emotional pendulum... Today I feel better, and calm about everything because, hey - que sera sera.

I believe that whatever's going to happen with this pregnancy, is already written in my story.  So I will keep calm, eat everything in sight, sleep for waaaay longer than is normally healthy, and enjoy each day.

Because I'll probably be back on the other side of that pendulum any day - heck any hour now...

So around these parts (image that in a red-neck mountains-of-Virginia accent) Thanksgiving Eve is a big party night to go out and hit up the bars/clubs.  For the past 5 or 6 years, we've had a party because, well we're just lame and hate fighting crowds and waiting in line to pay $6 for a bottle of beer...

So Wednesday night, E went with his guys to a local hole-in-the-wall bar that we've all been going to for years... In fact, E and the guys started reminiscing, waxing nostalgic, about the fact that it's been awhile since they were all last at the bar... One of our friends said, "Actually (ironically?!) I think the last time we were all here was when you and K told us you were pregnant..."
E told me this story the next morning (and not when he got home that night, because I was assed out on the couch) and said to me, "You know how bad I wanted to respond with something like, Well HMPFH - isn't THAT funny, because guess what?!"

We'll just have to remind our friends of that night when we finally tell them...

I also completely forgot - tonight's a roller-skating party for a friend's birthday (no she's not 10 - she's 31...) after which there will be lots of booze.

So dilemma 1 - I'm an active person, was a college athlete, am somewhat coordinated - I should be ok roller-skating, right?
And dilemma 2 - our friends know I enjoy a lovely adult beverage every now and then (oh, who am I kidding - lots of adult beverages every now and then... I am the current IrishCarBomb champion amongst our friends...) 
So for me to not be drinking at all? Is like lighting up a neon marquee:

We had devised a plan for Thanksgiving dinner - I would keep a glass of wine close to E's plate, and he would covertly drink out of it so the glass would eventually be empty, and meanwhile I'd be just touching it to my lips, pretending to sip.
I'm thinking its our best option, if we can pull that off with beer at the party...

For anyone who's had to deal with "keeping a secret" - what worked best for you??

Waving the white flag..

Don't get me wrong, I'm so so grateful to be pregnant again.. but holy hell, this PGAL brain sucks BIG CAJONES.
The first day I try not POAS, I panic and think the sore nipples are no longer sore.. and this backache- impending miscarriage and doom? Or just from peeling and cutting 11 apples while bent over a garbage pail?
Waving the white flag, I watched with a sigh of relief as the wondfo showed me what I wanted..
And reminded myself that Tuesday's beta results were an awesome 1873, which gives me a doubling time of just about 34 hours..

But that appointment, two weeks from today, seems as far away as an oasis mirage to a parched man in the desert - it feels like it'll never be here.. and you know what sucks? A good appointment will appease a PGAL brain for only about 24 hours..

Because you know tragedy can strike within even minutes of seeing a reassuring heart flicker, and your next appointment, when you discover said tragedy, is weeks away.. so - would you rather find out the second "It" happens, or would you rather be able to "still be pregnant" for the last few weeks...

*sigh*
Today? I'm pregnant, and I love my baby. And I'm going to stuff my face in thanks for everything I have this year.

Happy Thanksgiving

Welcome ICLW!

Welcome first time (and repeat) visitors to The Buggy List, you can find an intro/story here, and recently (exactly 9 days ago) I found out I am pregnant again. 
Waiting to hear (TODAY) the second beta from 19dpo - but I've finally allowed myself to get excited when the second line on the Wondfo officially became darker than the test line (and yes I'm still POAS, don't judge a PGALer!)

* I've got a dinner lined up tonight with a girlfriend, for which I've already pulled the "oh no, don't bother picking up any wine - I'm on antibiotics for a root canal anyways..."

* I got two awesome doses of good news at work, the first being a nice 8.5% raise (hollah for a dollah!) and the next about the lawsuit I have been working on like a madwoman: they are (FINALLY) appealing the ridiculous document requests the other side keeps submitting (last request was 56 items...) so I am greatly relieved to have that no longer looming over my head with a deadline of 11/30...

* Send much love to Katherine who got AWESOME news that her first round of IVF worked!
* Congrats to another PGALer Weaslewam who had a great first u/s today where she heard baby's heartbeat!
* Good vibes to aspGriswold for another awesome beta draw this Friday!

And now some fun JPEGs/GIFs because this post was kinda boring... (they'll get better I promise!)

ALMOST!    GOT IT!

"CHEEEEEZE!"

And for anyone who says chivalry's dead:

p.s. If you have PGAL (or similar) brain, please be sure to get rid of all your red blankets so that when you pull down your underwear(and/or wipe) you do not see red fuzzies and freakthefuckout for a minute thinking its blood...

that's all.

Never listen to a tutu...

 Holy wow the weekend went by fast... which is good because today I finally get results of beta from Friday, and which is also bad - cuz who likes Monday?!

I had fBFF's baby shower Saturday morning - to which she invited women that she barely speaks to (tacky!) like E's cousin... But oh well, more people to sit with and bitch about how long she took to open gifts, bad food, and stupid games (creepy baby dolls in ice cubes that you had to melt - "any way possible" - and then yell "MY WATER BROKE!")

Her mother and MIL did awkward hugs with me saying hello, asking "how ARE you?" in the way that makes me think they see me as some pitiful broken wretch sitting at home... HA!

We sat (me and my gals) and gossiped about how big fBFF's butt had gotten (almost as big as her belleh!) and the gall of her family to not serve even WINE at the shower (this is where I secretly whewed as I dodged THAT bullet...)

Then it was time to go (finally) and I went to hug fBFF's mother, who's standing next to her sister and cousin - and she grabs me to ask AGAIN, how are you? You're trying again, right?? It's best, just try try again.

The gals and I got together that night to bash the shower  watch Twilight and Breaking Dawn Part I together, when I told them what she said... they couldn't believe it either...

And then the best part - our friend's new wife (the wedding we partied at a few weeks ago) blurts out, "Well, you know - she WAS wearing a tutu*...  Who the hell would trust/listent to anything she says!"

We all started cracking up - and that was that.  My gals got my back.

*and she, a 58-year-old-woman, most definitely wore a tutu to the shower:

*Heard from nurse about Friday's beta - her first words on the phone were, "Well, you ARE pregnant."

Thanks, as if the 7 days of tests, with a darker and darker second line, weren't a clue...

15dpo beta was 300.  According to this chart, the median is 139.

Me = Happy Panda.



Redraw tomorrow (19dpo)...

also - send tons of love and good vibes to apGriswold who got a beautiful BFP on Saturday!!

stoopid Spoiler Alert...

So I'll admit - I'm a Twihard.

HARDCORE Twihard - but not hardcore enough to go wait in line last night and battle tweenagers for the best seats at a midnight screening...

No I'm the mature, older Twihard that will be going for a matinee Sunday morning because 1 - $6 tickets?!? and 2 - no lines, no seat-snafus, no crowds...

So this morning, when I see a message board thread titled "Breaking Dawn Part II (SPOILER ALERT)" I'm all pshaw, I've read all four books so many times, there's not a single spoiler alert they can get me with...

And I read - THE SPOILER ALERT: (helloooooo SPOILER ALERT to Twihards!)

"I can't believe they killed ___________...."

OH FUCKETY FUCK CRAP SHIT POO - SONUVABITCH!!! 

NO NO NO NO NO!! I CAN'T UNREAD WHAT I JUST READ!!!



There were rumors (before the movie actually came out) that they had changed the ending, and I had read a theory that they added an epic battle scene in the movie... I should have just left it at that, said to myself - ok yup, that's the change people are taking about.

Now I'm gonna be watching the movie Sunday morning, eyeing the character with pity, knowing he/she's gonna bite it... (HA - no pun intended...)

(Even though the second line got nice and dark this morning - YES I'm still peeing on sticks, don't judge - I'm going at lunch today for a beta draw... Here's to nice numbers!)

NoMo and sketchy news...

I spoke to the nurse yesterday about my dentist wanting me to take amoxicillin for a root canal.

First thing she said?

"Do you HAVE to take it?"

ummm..... not very reassuring...

She said they usually recommend AGAINST antibiotics during very early pregnancy, but that an x-ray is perfectly fine, so long as my "tummy is covered."  (I'll still be making them use double aprons...)

So I haven't called the dentist yet with the no-antibiotics news, and I'm wondering what he's going to say...


As for finally getting back to NoMoBloPo (...or is it NoMoPoBlo... I can never remember...)
they ask today,
What's the best meal you've ever made.

Ha.

HA. HA.

Yeaaaa -  I've caught taco shells on fire. (These flames were a good 3-4 inches... go me.) I've boiled a pot dry and ruined it.

In other words, I don't cook, and thank god I married a man who enjoys cooking.

On the rare occasion I DO cook,  I need an exact recipe (none of this "weeelll, I usually use flour, but if I don't have flour I'll use a pinch of this, and then SOMETIMES I use this instead of oil" MOM!)
I also usually knock it out of the park (ok it's usually just bland, but at the very least, edible.)

The big whopper for me is Baked & Breaded Scallops - brings my man to his knees everytime.  (And by everytime, that means the one time I actually made it for him, and by knees I DO NOT mean he's paying tribute to the porcelein god!)

I get very (over)ambitious snipping recipes from magazines, clipping them from soup cans (Cream of Mushroom is apparently a cooking staple...)

They're all recipes that I PLAN on trying (like make-your-own fruit pops!) but that I'll never get around to... I'm very comfortable with pasta and sauce, thankyouverymuch, or the pre-seasoned meats from our lovely butcher that only require an oven set, bake, and serve! Betty Crocker I am not.

A checklist...

It wasn't all a dream... it really happened...

*images in camera are darker than they appear









I have created a checklist - things to do so you don't go BATSHITCRAZY as PGAL:

1. keep POAS. I don't care how dark it is (ok I do, it better get darker...) as long as there's still a line... I live for the mornings now - as soon as I see the second line for the day, it's hurry up work, hurry up dinner, hurry up sleep - so I can test again in the morning just to make sure!!
2. call Dr - ask when is the soonest they can do an u/s (even if you can't see baby/sac/fetalpole yet) to make sure it's not ectopic...

.... and that's as far as I've gotten so far... lol

I DO need to call and ask about the amoxicillin I'm supposed to be taking.  I know dental health is something that should be taken care of while TTC, I just hope it's ok to be taking the antibiotic now...

Because right now, I'm pregnant....

JINX you owe me a baby!

I was at the dentist this Saturday morning, getting a root canal (thanks mom for the really crappy dental genetics) and he had just finished "cleaning out" the root, and wanted to take an x-ray to make sure it was all clean...

So as the assistant got the heavy led apron ready and asked me, "You're not pregnant, right?"

I kind of froze - and tried to, around a numb left side and gauze stuffed into cheeks, explain how I *might* be pregnant, but I wasn't sure yet (alot of waving hands and head shakes/nods).

So the dentist comes back in, with a little grin on his face and rubs my shoulder like, oh they grow up so quickly! I wanted to be like, dude - dont be congratulating me - she said I'm not sure yet, right?!

So he prescribed the amoxicillin for the slight tooth infection I had, and said - ok so if you find out next week you ARE pregnant, call your OB/GYN and get permission to take these... and then I want written permission to take ONE X-RAY for this root canal...

Yea, ok - BIG FAT FUCKING IF. 

I leave the office thinking, ohmigod I hope I didn't just jinx myself and I have to crawl in next week and sheepishly say, x-ray me up doc - you can take as many as you want...


And then yesterday morning I sat in the shower and gave Rand McNally a run for his money - examing and pouring over body parts (breasts, belly, thighs, arms) for the road-map-like veins that come from increased bloodflow that comes from pregnancy - "Is that I-80 right there? Runs from East to West across my thigh!!"

So this morning, after waking up at 4am to pee (slightly unusual - my bladder can usually make it to around 6) and temping (BEFORE getting out of bed of course) because I had no clue what time it was, and then somehow passing back out after tossing and turning trying to will myself back to sleep so I would have 3 hours down by my regular temping time of 7:05, I got up and decided to POAS (or more technically PIAC for some Wondfo strip &dip)

I waited til E had already left for work, because if there's anything worse than seeing a BFN yourself, it's having to tell your spouse that we're looking at another month, another cycle, another FW...

I started the timer on my phone, and purposefully hid the Wondfo in the bathroom while I began to get ready for work in the bedroom.  And the timer went off.

And I thought to myself in a panic, OHMYFUCKINGGOD - WHATIFITSNEGATIVE...

I creeped into the bathroom, heart pounding out of my ears, and peeked around the toothbrush holder to check out the pink-pee-strip...

and fell to the bathroom floor sobbing. (I told you I would, come good or bad.)

There's something I have wanted to say again for the past 5 months and 28 days...

I'm pregnant...

A little crazy goes a long way...

Especially at 10dpo with symptoms out the WAZOO.

(Yea, wazoo... mom's from Georgia originally and says it alot - must a southern thing... you know, kind of like "Bless her heart" and it translates to "what a bitch" - well wazoo translates to ass. so symptoms out the ass.)

I've gotten over 11 hours of sleep the past two nights, and have still been able to crash on the couch at 10pm...

Like yesterday - E had his annual Gore Fest - his guys, gory movies*, and good drinks.. (*and by Gory I mean ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING - like Human Centipede disgusting...)
And after shopping with the female inlaws (cha-ching on $5 boots!!!) and shopping for fBFF's baby shower (btw fucking hell being in B.uyBuyBaby where everything I looked at from the registry got the reaction of "this is so fucking stupid, who needs this?!" - and yes, pregnant women are SMUG!) I stayed in for the night, rented Breaking Dawn Part I (which Fios somehow had for just $0.98 - how could I not?!) and fell asleep by 10:30. (tell me I'm not living the life with that kind of Saturday night...)

And I proceeded to sleep til 10am this morning (minus the temping at 7:05 - which is still up... and speaking of temps - I temped again at 10, just for shits and giggles because I realized I was asleep again for almost the three required hours - it was up 0.5 degrees from the 7 temp, and how I would love if that was my real temp because then I'd continuously chart-stalk myself and be like, SQUEEE you're triphasic!)

That combined with the same  slight headache I had for 2 days before my last BFP, and the lovely (but imagined?!) "I'm-gonna-vom-or-eat-my-left-arm-if-I-don't-get-breakfast-soon" feeling when I wake up... My body is driving me crazy.

I hate that I've nearly convinced myself this is it - and because I have, I'm terrified to POAS.  I had thought I'd be ready to start testing this morning... but even if it's BFN, I'll do the stupid "but silly girl, it's way too early to really know! ignore that negative! It'll be positive tomorrow..." 
So, the plan might be to wait as long as I can(even though my temps don't reliably drop right before AF because, you know body, that would be a nice headsup...)

WHAT morning sickness?!

For anyone who's seen Two Weeks Notice with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, you know the scene where he congratulations the big lady, who's NOT pregnant, on her future baby, and she's all:

No, REALLY, what baby!?

Well that was me at one of the wakes for E's grandfather...

One of the firefighters, an old creepy guy that no one really likes, hugs me and asks how I'm doing, I say fine, yada yada.

Then he says, "So any morning sickness?"

... I'm all

and then

And finally he figures out I'm NOT pregnant, and I'm wondering why the hell he thinks I am (as no one in the firehouse knew of previous pregnancy, us trying, etc)

When I mention it to E later, I find out that he told him, at a wedding 3 weeks ago, that we were planning on taking a HPT very soon and had high hopes.
WTF.

And of course, former BFF was there at the wake - and the only silver lining to that was that I got to witness my awesome and loyal SIL pick on her for being "SO BIG already, and ZOMG you're not due til Christmas day?!"

I think fBFF is getting that alot these days as she seemed to have a canned response of "Due on Christmas, but I'm ready now!" all quipped and spewing out fast... Her shower is in a few weeks and I finally checked out her registry yesterday - the girl is registered FOR EVERY SINGLE THING in BuyBuyBaby... 4 different car seats, each $200?!?!?

anyways... Somehow, with the storm, and wakes and funerals the past week, I've zoomed to 8dpo...
And I must be trying to fool the universe - I had two glasses of wine at the repast on Wednesday...
I'm basically a drink-til-its-pink kinda gal, but when phantom/real symptoms start messing with me, I tend to cut waaaay back - but I must be trying to fool the universe into thinking, "Oh look at me, all blase - obviously not trying to get pregnant, drinking a glass of wine and all (but universe, really, I think I'm in denial that I'm so close to testing - PLEASE I WANT A BABY) but you know maybe I'll just open a beer with my FIL because it's ok (but universe, I'm not really drinking it - I just want you to THINK I am, because it seems that you give babies to people like the irresponsible nurse at my job who's had 2 abortions, this will be her third child with a third babydaddy...)


I'm not sure I'm ready, whether positive or negative outcome, for 12dpo to arrive...

Core-crunching and Crazed...

And that would be pineapple core... making sure to nom on some every day until I sob my face off at either BFN or BFP (and I'm pretty sure I'll cry at either one)

We're all pretty and dusted with our first snowfall, but the freezing temperatures were the last thing this region needed with so many out of power still...
All done and back from wakes, funeral and services for E's grandfather, work is INSANE, with a million things that needed to be done yesterday...

So I will be catching up on blogging/reading/commenting hopefully tonight!

The Rules

My mother has, on a decorative end table, an old green, scuffed, soft leatherbound book.  The writing's nearly worn off the cover, and the binding is completely illegible.

I sat down one day, bored out of my skull, and picked it up to start thumbing through the pages of Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette, published in 1922.  I chuckled over some of the seriously outdated material:

 

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

  It is doubtful if he who carries a solitaire ring enclosed in a little square box and produces it from his pocket upon the instant that she says “Yes,” exists outside of the moving pictures!

USEFULNESS OF CARDS

WHO was it that said—in the Victorian era probably, and a man of course—“The only mechanical tool ever needed by a woman is a hair-pin”? He might have added that with a hair-pin and a visiting card, she is ready to meet most emergencies. (I've always considered myself "ready to meet most emergencies" when armed with a good mani/pedi, a strong drink, and a fierce blowout...)

WALKING ON THE STREET

Do not attract attention to yourself in public. This is one of the fundamental rules of good breeding. Shun conspicuous manners, conspicuous clothes, a loud voice, staring at people, knocking into them, talking across anyone—in a word do not attract attention to yourself. (Emily Post would be spinning in her grave if she met the cast of The Jersey Shore...)

 *****

 

 

There WERE a few items that I thought still were applicable to modern day:

 

DECENCIES OF BEHAVIOR

 A man is a cad who tells anyone, no matter who, what his wife told him in confidence, or describes what she looks like in her bedroom. ("Don't kiss and tell!")

 

EVERYDAY MANNERS AT HOME

If children see temper uncontrolled, hear gossip, uncharitableness and suspicion of neighbors, witness arrogant sharp-dealing or lax honor, their own characters can scarcely escape perversion. (Apples don't fall far from trees!)

 

 

 

THIS one, I can't decide if it's outdated, or still the best sage advice one can heed:

NEVER discuss politics and religion with friends/on a first date/at a dinner party.

 

And NaBloPoMo's prompt for today is just that: politics and thoughts on the upcoming election.

 

I used to be unaware and ignorant of any candidate's stance, political party, and platforms.  The farther I might have ever gotten into "politics" were the platforms chosen by beauty pagaents ("WORLD PEACE!")

 

I am still somewhat ignorant: I always forget whether Democrats are red or blue, and if Republicans are Donkeys or Elephants... (my mom failed at her memory tricks - something like, "remember - elephants are BLUE, and neither word has an R in it, so they're for Republicans...." huh?!)

 

I can tell you all about the memes from this year's race...

 

 

So my thoughts on tommorrow's election for the next leader of the free world??

 

I just hope that the east coast is accurately represented - I hope that people can find it in themselves to get to polls, despite loss of house and home.  It is an important day, with an important decision to make.

 

SO GET OUT AND VOTE!!

**Personal stuff - 4DPO here, hope is distant on the horizon and I'm thinking I'll let myself POAS a little earlier than normal - this coming sunday at 10DPO...

Also, E's grandfather passed away yesterday after an 8 day struggle (that was in all actuality a 7 year struggle after his stroke...)  We'll be at wakes (and inbetween meals) tomorrow from 1:30 til 9, with the funeral on Wednesday... apologies for any absences, I may have to triple up on NaBloPoMo on Thursday...

in the numbers

I'm a numbers person, through and through... While I can't do (quick) basic math in my head (anyone remember the hand trick for your 9x times tables?!) I just get numbers.

I get it when they say there is still over 1 million customers without power, and 119 houses burnt to the ground in BreezyPoint (Queens, NY), and estimates of $50billion plus in damages from Sandy...

But these numbers confound me...



170 OPKs since Nov 2011
250+ tampons and counting since May 2011 (first official cycle off BCP)
17 HPTs since September 2011
2 U/S
1 saline sono.
1 Positive HPT
1 Pregnancy
1 miscarriage
...
0 babies


I know I don't have it "bad" - there are women that can add to their "score" multiple rounds of medications, needle jabs, beta tests, and even more miscarriages - I don't lose sight that their pain is something I can't claim to understand.

But I also know there are women (like an old/former BFF) who's tally's don't include a single OPK, have under 30 tampons, and a single HPT, with a big fat sum of 1 baby.



And you know...if given the option of "waking up" right now, say out of a coma/bad dream, not remembering the past months since The Appointment at 11w, and miraculously be where I WOULD have been had I not miscarried (over 36w) - I don't think I would want to. **But hey - If you ask me that after all those tally's have doubled - I believe I would take it in heartbeat...

Right now, for me a big part of it is BEING pregnant - watching and feeling my belly grow, watching baby grow on screen, getting to the u/s where they can't even fit the whole baby on screen, they can only zoom in on certain body parts... feeling movement and kicks from inside...

I know that the process to a baby might not (but please god I hope it does) entail actual carrying a child - there are shit sticks getting handed out out there, I know.

But please let me be able to add, to that stupid tally above, the number 2 next to pregnancy, and have a nice summation at the end = 1 baby...




p.s. I think I'm officially in the 2ww, at about 2DPO - but I don't have much hope... yea, our timing was pretty decent (O and O-2) but I think I have a YI now (symptoms aren't even close to STRONG enough to cause discomfort, but I will be calling DR on Monday morning)
anyone know if that has any impact on this whole deal?

FX that the cycle during which I feel the least hope will lead to BFP, like what happened to my HOT MAMA Wease @ MoreSalt!!! (CONGRATS AGAIN LADY!!)

My paradise...

Everyone has hopes that, post-storm/disaster/whatever - citizens unite, supplies are shared, efforts are joined, and it's time to REBUILD.

Well, the reality is passing a gas station, one of only a handful in the ENTIRE COUNTY that is currently open and pumping gas, to see a line of people on foot lugging as many gas jugs as they can carry, cars queued for MILES around blocks, under overpasses, through intersections - unaware that the gas station is enforcing a $10 ration for everyone (given today's gas prices that is UNDER 3 gallons).
Reality is an ambulance on standby at said gas station because people are pulling guns (this particular incident yielded no injuries) and throwing punches at line-jumpers.


Now's a perfect time to escape this reality, if even for a little, and consider today's NaBloPoMo prompt:

"If you could live anywhere, where would it be?"

I would live in ITALY  and have an apartment in each of these two towns:

Venezia

Positano

We visited both of these places on our honeymoon (these are actually my pictures) and it's what makes up MY paradise.

I could look through all of our honeymoon pictures (OVER FOUR THOUSAND) over and over and over , reliving each boat ride through the canals of Venice, each sidewalk cafe where we learned more and more Italian (una bicchiere de vino rosso was quickly memorized for wine requests), each hand painted Carnivale mask... and each hairpin turn as we drove down the coast to Positano, each market and lodging carved right into the side of the mountain, each crystal clear blue lap of water...

Our largest worries were: at which market would we get dinner for that night... and would we eat inside or  al fresco... would we roll our pantlegs to go wading in the Mediterranean or don swimsuits and large floppy straw hats to sit poolside on a roof, overlooking paradise.

As much as E and I are people that like to be constantly experiencing new things, I would go back in a heartbeat, and still hope we get to revisit our paradise for a big anniversary - hey, hopefully we can celebrate our 10th there, with new worries such as - Do we bring the kids to the beach, or take them to the Isle of Capri??

Hoarder - GUILTY as charged

I'm a hoarder:

*of shoes, first and foremost.  (whenever baby comes, we'll be battling for closet space in the currently spare bedroom!)
and my collection will never be complete until I own a pair of each:

(and if you have to ask what the RedBottoms are at the end - leave my blog.  right. now. 

ok, kidding - you can stay, but please email me for a verbal lashing...)

*of piercings (ok, hoarder might be a strong word, but at one point I had 16... still have 8 currently in)

*of clothes - when we moved into our house, we bought me two dressers, and hubby still had to build another into our crawlspace, in addition to my custom closet...

*and of quotes...



It's time for NaBloPoMo (... or National Blog Posting Month, but in a much funner name that rolls of the tongue like a Dr. Seuss character) and the prompt for today asks for your favorite quotation.

I hoard quotes - for cute wall art, for cool tattoos, for inspirational phone back grounds, for shits and giggles - I gather and collect quotes: I rip pages out of magazines, I take screen shots on my phone, I jot them down on gas receipts...

I even have a journal where I hand-copied pages and pages of some of my favorites (entire poems and songs included...)

Hopefully, it doesn't speak bad for my character when I say - I CAN.NOT pick just one favorite...

Ask me on CD1 and it may be something like "It's always darkest before the dawn."
Ask me in the middle of FW and it may be something like "Nothing can stop the [wo!]man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal." Thomas Jefferson
Ask me right near the end of a 2ww and it may be something like "I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best." Benjamin Disraeli

How about when, month after month of temp drops and BFNs and you dread hearing from any married friends because it might be that news as they bypass you - it could be something like:
"Success is sweet - the sweeter if long delayed and attained through manifold struggles and defeats." A. Branson Alcott


But a favorite? impossible to choose...

So I'll just close with a personal quote:  Wherever you are in life, BE PRESENT.  Live for now, because there are no guarantees a "then" will come...

Alive and Allergic!

Because our power went out before the damn storm even started, the last two nights have been filled with Scrabble by candlelight with E (who I eeked out a win over), attempts EVERY TIME I walked in the bathroom to flip on the lights, 5 dogs and 11 adults in one house for meals and kinect entertainment (they had power, obviously...), allergy attacks in family houses that have me sneezy, stuffed and miserable, listening to A.M. radio for news of the Jersey Shore - it's been a crazy two days...

Seaside Heights is nearly no more...

If you remember, Wease and I partied there in August

E's surprise 30th was there in July...

We partied and paddleboarded there in late June...

How I'll remember it:

How it is now:

End of the 2008 summer season:

End of the 2012 season, and Sandy's destruction:

Thoughts and prayers to all those living in areas with severe flooding, damage, power outages, and memories destroyed...