Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Mourning...

I'm not even sure where to start...

First - an apology, this will be quite a novel and no fun images...  a lot happened this weekend (and yesterday) that I just need to get through and still process...

And then - maybe chronological order would be best, yes?

So Saturday afternoon (as I previously mentioned, however briefly) we headed an hour away to our friends' new house (let's call them the PotatoHeads, Mr & Mrs PH for short...)

Another set of friends met us there, we all had fun with Button who loved to entertain his new playmates.  We ordered Chinese food, and got decently drunk (after Button went down for the night - and BOY did he go down, after a short nap during the car trip and then racing around all afternoon showing off...) 

And it was during this drunkenness that everything began... 

Let me backtrack a bit - did I mention that E's sister and husband, married about 1 year after us, were to begin TTC very soon?  She has been on anti-anxiety meds most of her adult life and was (as far as I knew) in the process of weaning off... Attempts had been made in the past that were unsuccessful (anxiety kicked back in and she once ended up on a stronger dose than when she left off...)

Needless to say, this created a few issues between man and wife - he thought she was lying to him about being off of meds, she thought that the very low dose she was on was tolerable and ok for TTC and pregnancy, he strongly disagreed, etc.

This is how the story was portrayed to me via the game of telephone (SIL told to MIL, or to E directly, who then told me...)

So this past Saturday night, while we're at the PotatoHeads' house, E answers a phone call from his sister, and goes into a back room.  Of course, I check in on him after a bit to make sure everything's ok and get told this:

         BIL had been "out (in NYC) with clients" when SIL discovered half of their joint savings "missing" and tried to text him about it... My initial interpretation of events was that he was a shady sheister and avoided answering her - turns out he DID answer about an hour later, saying "I moved some into [a different bank] because we're getting horrible interest rates [yada yada yada]."

Of course, given recent events and issues between them, this was alarming and not quite a good enough explanation for SIL, who decided to ask him more once he got home from his "client meeting" (which ended up being close to 1am).

At this point in the night, back at the PH's house, the three couples had about polished off a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and were feeling good, doing random yoga handstands and falling on couches... (don't ask)

Couple #2 decided to pack it in for the night (she was DD) and as they're saying goodbye, Mrs. PH and I are in the kitchen.  


Now, the PotatoHeads were also recently to begin TTC, and she too was weaning off of anxiety meds (I believe with much more success than SIL).  Earlier in the day when it was just E, myself and Mr. PH at the house, PH voiced concerns that Mrs PH was drinking.

Alot.

And had asked me, did I think that drinking affected being able to get pregnant (to which I said, well - don't get WASTED, but a glass or two of wine might help! *wink wink*)


So with that, and Mr PH's request to "try to talk to Mrs PH" in mind, she and I begin the drunken conversation in the kitchen. 

Big fat tears started to roll down her face, as she revealed that, after a cervical cancer scare (during which I think she had some biopsies taken? she mentioned "missing part of her cervix...") she's terrified and is already sure that she physically won't be able to carry a baby, that she will be the road block and the person "at fault" when they can't get pregnant...






In the bathroom later that night, I sat back and thought, my gosh... There I was, witnessing two couples starting to fall apart.  And it seemed TTC was to blame...

The IL's - SIL has horrible anxiety (and may be feeling it more at the prospect of getting pregnant and being a mother) and BIL is not quite sure that his wife is ready to have a baby...

The PotatoHeads - he thinks she might have a drinking problem, she might be drinking because she thinks she is the problem and will prevent them from having kids...


I hurt for both couples, and wanted (in my drunk "I'll fix all problems!"attitude) to sit the PotatoHeads down and say to them, "Just communicate! Voice your concerns Mrs. PH! You guys are a TEAM in this process! It's not "your fault" or "his fault!"




And so dawned Sunday - E spoke to his sister, who said (I learned this again via the game Telephone) that she spoke to hubby, and he apologized for how bad it looked that he'd moved money, etc.  That it really was the better interest rates, etc.  And as far as I was told, he didn't further clarify on why it was only half of their money, and if it was in her name as well...


Yesterday, E stayed home sick, and I joined him around lunch time (yay stomach bug... but weirdly enough one that only caused nausea - no vomiting, and no (yuck!) diarrhea, thank god!)

Later, E was out picking up Button from daycare and stopping at the store for prepared dinner foods (no cooking for us last night...) As I was trying to gather strength and sip a cup of chicken broth, I received a text from him:
"[BIL] left [SIL] today while she was at work. Dropping Button off then heading to her house..."


My heart sunk...

After more Telephone, I learned this:
SIL got home from work.  BIL's car was still in the driveway, trunk loaded with clothes and belongings. 

She walked in to a "Sit down, we need to talk."

She was given a four page letter (see definite premeditation there) and was ultimately asked for a divorce.


A divorce.


And in this FOUR PAGE LETTER, in which he was already dividing their belongings: "You can have the TV in the living room, and I would take the one in our bedroom. [...] I've paid a month's rent to our landlord, so you have another month in the apartment while you figure out where you want to live. [...] " was the crux of WHY:

He had "fallen out of love." 


He has successfully made SIL feel she is to blame - she collapsed at MIL's house last night as family gathered around her, wondering out loud if the past four years has been a total farce - if it was EVER real...

As my heart broke for her, I got angry...

This man - the GODFATHER to my son - had most definitely been planning this for at least some time... He had been planning this cowardly move even during dinner at our house a few weeks ago.  He had known he wanted to leave his wife as they played with Button in my house.

E had a few choice words via text as BIL attempted to save face.  And I have to say I am so proud of E, who told me this of their conversation:

(BIL attempted to save face in large texts - of which I don't really know the content)

(mind you, I've paraphrased based on what I remember and what is needed for you to understand the context)
E: Don't even try this.  You have destroyed the family that stepped in to support you over the past few years.  The family who walked with you in support of defeating ALS (a disease that killed his father years ago).  The family who helped you bury your mother two years ago, who, were she alive, would be disgusted and disappointed by your behavior. (NOTE - OMG best thing to say ever.  who doesn't cringe whenever they are told they disappointed their parents?!)

His final text to someone who had, E thought, opened up during work lunches about TTC with SIL and how they were finally seeming to be doing better, and how he (BIL) appreciated being able to talk with E :
"Do me a favor - lose my number, and hang your head low."



E said it felt like the family had lost a member, and I said - it did.

We are now in mourning for a man we thought existed, and we have just learned maybe he never did.  How long has he fooled us all?  Had he already started writing the letter when he and FIL went to Yonkers for a weekend of slot machines together last month?

SIL is embarassed, humiliated and hurt - crying over what happens next... people thought they were this happy, perfect couple - what now?


I am horrified at the transformation of someone who we all loved and thought would be such a great role model and figure for Button to have in his life... It's despicable the things that have happened, and I don't even know where to start with SIL, besides an "I love you and am sorry" text... that feels so ineffective against what she's facing...


E said it well - You have disgraced this family, BIL, what was YOUR family - HANG YOUR HEAD LOW...

Saturday, February 28, 2015

as I suck coffee down...

It's Saturday - I should be doing a million other things, like packing up for the 1.5 hour drive we're making later today to visit friends in their new house (any suggestions for a housewarming gift if we've already sent Omaha Steaks??)

I should be packing up Button's clothes, diapers, toys, PNP, etc...

I would like to be hitting the salon to get my eyebrows waxed (yikes!) and I'd like to be hitting our local thrift store during their winter clearance sale: $0.99 for all adult clothing and $0.49 for kid clothing!!


Instead - I am wrapping up a great February 2015 ICLW! =)


I got to read some great blogs this week, and received great comments from a number of great bloggers - each time I participate in ICLW (however hesitant I was to join at first) I am always glad, come day 7 of commenting, that I did it...


SO - any regular readers that haven't participated in this before, go check out the Great Stirrup Queens and all the fabulousness there: resources, Mel's personal blog, and awesome community link-ups such as ICLW!  March's list opened this morning - go check it out, get your blog on the list, and discover more of a great community!

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Some Fart Talk

Recent musings while chatting with a friend about her single-ness and it's (in my mind) bitter-sweetness:
(oh the agony of wondering if he is The One, and why hasn't he called?! I thought the date went SO WELL! but oh the excitement of seeing him call, and getting a text for the next date! IS HE GONNA KISS ME?! aaaaah!)


So while you've lost the excitement of dating in marriage, there's also the plus side of KNOWING your partner loves you and so you no longer have to be on your "Best Behavior"...

Like, we still don't fart in front of each other, but now we acknowledge that we fart!  Case in point: E was recently telling me how he farted while holding Button, who then pointed towards E's butt, then to his own, and then grunted and squeezed out a fart of his own.
Father+Son bonding time at it's best...


And speaking of farts, here's a little ThatAkwardMoment:
I was in hot yoga last night (score 1 for the BuggyList!), and felt a little one slip out (silently...) but - well, pretty deadly...

And then I realized the best part: in yoga, no one will ever know who really released the stinker!
I mean, I just did the LookAround of "Ew what is that smell?! what crawled up that person's butt and died?"



Also - BuggyList news: I have a dentist appointment next Wednesday to get going on the root canal (x-rays, yay!)
I also have an appointment to get my tattoo!!!! OMG guys I designed the coolest one ever while waiting to discuss with an artist yesterday... I can't wait to show you!

ALSO - WHATWOULDYOUDO?!
so, I originally booked the tat appointment for this coming Tuesday (CD12 - preO) but during work hours (1pm-4pm) and I'm not sure I can swing that time off given the dentist appt that Wednesday at 3:30...
The only other appointment that could work in the next few weeks is the NEXT Tuesday (which will be CD20 - which could be around 4DPO if I O on my average day, or could be even less daysPO...) and that appointment is 7pm-10pm so I could bring E with me and not have to leave work...

What say you about getting inked at that point in a cycle?!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Mucho Makin'...

Another one of my "regular" (HA if there is such a thing for me...) series, is Makin' Things Monday! (Best alliteration I could come up with for my craftiness... deal with it.)

During the first installation, I showed off Button's "artwork" (a.k.a. the daycare teacher's artwork...)
(I have more artwork I'll have to rotate through as the seasons change - you know, the footprint scarecrows and hearts each have an appropriate season! And the first time he came home with some green paint under one of his toenails I thought, EWW FOOT FUNGUS?!?!)


During the next installation, I got half-way through refurb-ing a shelf that I brought with me from my parents' in Texas (who knows if it was any special shelf or just some junk sitting in their garage they thought they'd get rid of and I wanted it... LOL just ask E how I am with "family heirlooms" - we just rearranged the nursery the other day, and I packed away (an honestly UGLY) little ceramic night light - it's stained and chipped! - but it got packed away because my mom bought in 1982 when my older brother was born!)
Anway - so the shelf is "halfway" because, while it's painted the bright fun colors for the playroom (where Button's "artwork" gallery is located), it apparently doesn't have the right hanging hardware, according to E and so it sits and waits for him to re-fit it with hardware... (I have a feeling I'll end up doing it myself out of impatience this weekend... I AM WOMAN hear me DRILL!)




In the third of the series came my first P!nterest creation - The Birthday Calendar REMINDER!

In the most recent blurb (because really, they'd become little tags at the end of a larger post about travel, or engagement parties attended, or play dates we'd gone to) I continued the P!nterest kick:
 My chargers and my paper tree!


Most recently (ok in the last month or so...) I ambitiously decided to make a hat for Button! (This after mom re-taught me how to crochet during Christmas in Texas (and that after she had first tried to teach me just a few days after Button was born - yea, that brain wadn't absorbing JackShit...))

After a slight rough start (actually, a few rough restarts) I got the hang of it, and then decided the pattern I'd found and was following would be too small.
And so, accidentally created a hat for a grown adult (you're welcome E!)

Version 2.0 of Button's hat came much better (and gave me good practice!)
He loves to wear it doesn't pull it off!



And with that good hat practice, I've begun making these:

My Lent addition (instead of giving something up - although I guess it could be considered giving up my free evenings? lol that's a reach...) is crocheting baby hats - preemie & newborn size - for both our church's donations they're collecting this month, as well as for donations to our local hospitals (hopefully I can find a day during the week to get them delivered...)

I've made the two above (after a false start and loss of one hat - it's horrible, I'm not even going to show you...) and one more not pictured (yellow with green brim strip) and I've got probably 4-5lbs of yarn to make more!
(weird that yarn is measured in lbs - but I mean these suckers... I've gotten three hats out of the blue so far, and barely used half of it!)


How about you?

Making anything (even if it's just dinner!) this Monday?

Saturday, February 21, 2015

late ICLW intro and an apology...

(No ICLWers, as much as I feel contrite for posting a late intro, the apology is not necessarily for you! More on that later...)


Hi ICLWers!

Long (kind of) story much shorter - a (relatively) long 18 months after going off birth control, I got my "sticky" positive pregnancy test, and 9 months later met Button.


TTC #2 has officially begun as of this month with cycle#1 resulting in a tattoo and dentist appointment... (see here for why!)  ((and just so you know, they are not all the same appointment, the tattoo and dentist work... lol))

As for the apology - I'm sorry, Wondfos, for basically calling you liars... alas, you were right, not pregnant this time... "I'll get you next time!" *Shakes fists*


(and while the dentist appointment to begin the long-dreaded root canal (new x-rays needed since it's been so long) is set for 1.5 weeks from now, the tattoo is waiting for this current snow storm in the NJ area to end so I can meet with an artist to get the design started!  
(Last time I spontaneously got a tattoo, E (thankfully!) convinced me to switch from my desired "615 BITCHES" tattoo (to support his engine number (615) and the other firefighter wives) to a much nicer "La Vie Est Belle"... nice, right?  I've learned from this experience that I need to take a little bit more time for tattoo consideration...)



Anyways - welcome to The Buggy List!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

update: bullet-point style

  • I didn't test this morning
  • no sign of AF.  At All.
  • still seeing/imaging/making-up symptoms (headache, the nauseous* hunger (*BTW - I STILL can't spell that word, blogger corrects me every time...) the fatigue...
  • officially one of the longest LPs I've had (since tracking / in the last few years of TTC)

Did I O even? I mean - pretty decent fertile signs about 12-13 days ago: highish cervix, some WHOA-that's-STRETCHY! CM/discharge - all this followed by the closing-of-shop: cervix dropped  (in fact, so low - *shudders at what I'm about to type* it was barely even half a knuckle "up there") and shut up tight.
I even kept checking for a few days after to make sure it wasn't a fluke...  

 My Ovulation Chart (in case chart doesn't link)
(oh also - ignore the +OPK... I only put it in to trigger a DPO count... )




(SIGH)
 I think I'll be breaking out that FRER tomorrow morning...

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Listen..

Listen - just let me indulge my craziness for a bit, eh? Cold hard reality will set in eventually...

Tested again last night (I know, no first morning urine again...)
BFN.

another one this morning, with FMU for a change...

And as of this morning, there was no sign of AF at 12DPO (which is a "long" LP for me - AF usually shows exactly ON 12DPO...)

I was still (imagining/having?) symptoms - headache, nauseous-hunger... had to restrain myself from looking up bad batches of wondfos...
 I've got a FR (not sure if it's an FRER) that I was tempted to use this morning - but that meant I was basically calling the Wondfos liars... (unless - BAD BATCH?!)





But as of lunch today - (TMI warning? nawwww - no such thing on a TTC blog...) a CP check (not sure why I did one, lol) brought about some light brown, so it seems the crimson tide is creeping closer to shore...


And that's ok.

This is totally so different than TTC #1 (especially TTCAL - when we reached almost 18 months from the date I stopped birth control...)

That was pure desperation.  Utter knee-knocking fear when the timer went off at 5 minutes, indicating it was time to go check for those two pink lines.

Heart-pounding seconds as eyes focused in on the "test" line area on the pee stick...


Desperation.



This time, the 3-4 BFNs (but who's counting...) this week brought my shoulders a little lower, and drew a quick sigh of disappointment (but seriously?! I expected to be KTFU on the first cycle?!)

 But today, I think I'll start hydrating hardcore for my hot yoga class tonight (after which, I'll quickly shower and hopefully get to the liquor store before they close.  And if I don't make it, I believe there's a little Tennessee Jack Daniel's Honey in the freezer with my name on it...)


And tomorrow?


Buying some pom juice (can't hurt right? lol oh to quickly fall back into old TTC habits)
Buying some OPKs
Making dentist appointment (awful root canal NEEDS to get done!)
Making tattoo appointment to get a design drawn this weekend!!


Basically, some more Buggy List.




(Also - a quick Wardrobe Wednesday! (I almost totally forgot about this series... LOL))
SO these leggings, I loved them when I saw them in a funky boutique store in TX... and then they sat in a drawer for months maybe a year with me clueless how to rock them...
enter a men's dress shirt layered under a gray sweater, some riding boots and cuffs - and voila!




An actual (gratuitous) work-bathroom shot!

(Because, seriously - you try to find the right words to google
to find an image of THOSE pants!)



Also?

I made those boot-cuffs... now taking orders! =)