Thursday, November 16, 2017

Love. No Matter What

so yesterday, I walked into Button's room at daycare to see him sitting next to one of the teachers - and not in a "Teacher's Pet - I'm so good" kind of way, more like, "I'm being punished, pout pout."

And when I shot a questioning look to the teacher, she tells me, "we're having a little bit of 'sad time' right now, because he hit Mya on the head with a book..."

so I squatted down in front of him, of course conscious of trying not to undermine the discipline the teacher was in the midst of administering, and said, "Button - did you tell her you were sorry?"

And he whispered, no, so I said, "ok why don't you go apologize?" and when he hesitated, I offered to go with him - strength in numbers.

But on the stroll to the "library station" (four feet away) he broke down into tears, eventually stuttering out an apology to Mya (who said, "It's ok [Button] - it didn't even hurt!")

And for some reason, I found tears threatening to pool in my eyes at Button's angst, and had to clear my throat before speaking again to him or the teacher. 

Then I realized, and said to one teacher as Button was off getting his coat from his cook, 'I think Button was embarrassed/ashamed that I was witness to him misbehaving!'

And I flashed on those articles I've read over the past few years - stories of teenage sons/daughters out partying, but brave enough to call home for a safe ride when they knew things were getting out of control, secure in their parents' love, no matter what.

And on the drive home, I was all - OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THIS! YES, A PARENTING MOMENT THAT I TOTALLY FEEL PREPARED FOR AND READY TO KNOCK OUT OF THE PARK! (you take 'em where you can get 'em!)

So we got home, unpacked, took the dogs out, etc and once settled in I squatted down to his level and said, "Button - I don't like that you hit Mya with the book, and I'm upset that you didn't apologize sooner, but I still love you.  No matter what you do or say, even if I don't like what you've done or said - I will always love you."

And he said, "Ok, Mom," and gave me a hug. And then when E got home from work, Button decided to tell his dad about what happened, secure in his parents' love that while there may be times he upsets or disappoints us, we will always love him.

No matter what.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

RIGHT NOW: halfway thru November

Reading:  A Thousand Letters by Staci Hart. It was a free download and/or something suggested by BookBub.  It's ok, I just refuse to ever really give up on books. I've only done that once (mmmmmaybe twice). I'm only 40 pages from finishing this one now, then on to better books! (I've also SMASHED my GoodReads 2017 Reading Challenge of 50 books - about to finish book number 77!)

Watching: Outlander (which is about to be next on my Reading list... season three is on Starz now, I've read through book 5 - but I may start to go back and re-read... these are 1,000-page sagas that require re-reading once or twice ;)
Also, when I can get to my DVR : This Is Us (I haven't started on the current season...), Outdaughtered, and Rattled

Listening: soundtrack to La La Land... I also sing The Audition to Ms. Mack at bedtime...

Drinking: Coffee

Eating: (finished my breakfast - dunkin' sandwich - 20/30 minutes ago... snack pack - granola, cheese and apples - in about 30 minutes...)

Wearing: my can't-find-anything-to-wear go-to work uniform: skinny slacks (burgundy), collared shirt (floral) underneath a V-neck sweater (cream) and flats (brown Tory Burch)

Loving: APPLE CIDER. I had three mugs on Sunday...

Anticipating: a slew of deadlines at the end of this month at work...

Following: a first-stranger-now-friend's secondary infertility journey. She is in the midst of her first round of IVF - had 8 eggs retrieved Saturday, embabies (4!) are on day 4 and 'look great' so far!

Wondering: what the next year or so holds - E finally made up his mind (re: expansion vs move) and it looks like we'll be moving. so the search has very sloooowly started.
He'd rather spend weeks/months/years researching every little facet, finding THE PERFECT house in THE PERFECT town with THE PERFECT schools - all for THE PERFECT price. (does that exist?!?!)
and I am feeling in a little bit more of a rush - Ms. Mack and Button still share a room, and Button is very close to needing a twin (he's still in a toddler bed!) and it will get pretty crowded in there, and by the time next summer rolls around - I'd LOVE to have the backyard/land to let the kids go play in the backyard while I watch them from the kitchen and cook dinner...

Trying: to find/maintain balance... I have so many balls up in the air (plates spinning? insert your favorite euphemism here...) and I keep adding more... my book I've been writing (gave myself a 12/31/17 deadline!) and the clothes I've bought patterns for to sew (kids' christmas PJs, dress and cardigan for myself) and crochet projects (like LittleHatsBigHearts - if you crochet or knit, check it out!) and the singing mom group, and the online clothing boutique, and Thanksgiving is coming - my sister is coming down with her girls - can I get off work? And then the week after is her 30th birthday and so my mom is flying up and we'll drive to Massachusetts for the weekend...
And the week AFTER that is Ms. Mack's 2nd birthday party, must buy Minnie Mouse theme things...
yea, so.

Worrying:  about the violence and hatred in the world, and hearing of another shooting, and being out in public places and worrying at every one of them (movie theaters, places of worship, restaurants, elementary schools) about how I would escape or hide, how I would grab my kids, which way I would go, and evaluating people, judging their 'dangerousness' based on their looks...

Planning:  the Social  part of my balancing - I need this weight on my scales: a play date this Saturday, a Friendsgiving next Wednesday night, a visit from my sister and nieces, a visit and birthday celebration with my mom and sister

Contemplating: a job change... the solvency of my current job is a scary prospect, and has been for some time... I'm pretty 'high up' and would (theoretically) be one of the last ones out the door if the shit hit the fan, but it's getting cumbersome and tiring to be constantly worrying about if the next payroll or mortgage payment is covered.
2018 may hold a LOT of change for me!

Monday, November 6, 2017

As I Say, Not As I Do...

quickly, before I launch a fun "Right Now" episode - apparently now E is more set on moving than expanding our current house.

(looooong story shorter: we moved into town knowing the high school was NOT GREAT, but figured it was down the road / the town would succeed in pulling out of the NotGreatRegional high school / we weren't even PG yet, we'd worry about it later! 
But then we fell more in love with our street - a dead-end off of a dead-end! - and the neighbors, and the town, and the daycare (which is so conveniently in town!)
So then it was, ok if we can solve the high school issue - private? hope to send out of district? - then let's just expand these levels in this way, it'll add 2 bedrooms and a larger kitchen! DONE!)

But now, apparently E is leaning back solidly toward just moving... we're so envious of our friends with a huge FLAT backyard (I know, we redid part of our backyard a few years ago... but still...) and that's probably the only thing we can't really change about our house - the back is only walk-out-accessible from the basement... 

(oh wow, this is totally not quick.... anyways)
so I pulled up a house on Zillow yesterday, joking, "Hunnie I FOUND THE ONE!" for comparable price, given the area. (but it was pretty nice!)
and the first two things E says when I show him:
   1. "man, look - this kitchen has even less counter space than we do now..." (but it had an island!)
   2. "pretty small backyard" (not really, it's bigger than the section of yard we're using now!)

ANYWAYS - not that they may not have been true, but I simply said - "well how come the first things you say to a house have to be negative?"

and then he DRAMATICALLY shut my phone off (where he was looking at pictures of the house) and said, "oh god - no, we will NOT BE ABLE TO DO THIS (house hunt) if you're like THAT!"

like what?! DAFUQ?! I asked simply why he had all negative things to say, and then he flipped out - AND THEN CALLED ME IRRATIONAL/EMOTIONAL.

yea, no - eff that.   And what bugged me most about it - if the situation were reverse (if E had found a  house, and I picked it apart first thing) he would have said the same thing/had the same reaction... but I AM 'THE EMOTIONAL ONE.'

(so yesterday I skipped Button's hockey sesh and went to Joann Fabrics, got fabric to make myself a cardigan, the kids Xmas PJs, and some slouchy beanies. oh yea, I started sewing! LOL)

ANYWAYS. (Maybe I'll post the RightNow tomorrow..... this got out of hand.... lol)

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Getting loaded

and not the good-at-the-time-SO-BAD-IN-THE-MORNING kind of Saturday-night-loaded.

It's the mental load, and it's more precarious than

I read this article recently, titled The Mental Workload of a Mother and I can't help but think of it nearly every morning as I go through the load:

Ok, this project at work is due next Tuesday, which is also when the tax returns need to be filed with the State and Federal agencies.  
And the big annual cost report needs to be turned in pretty soon, crap - gotta ask coworker for the bad debt log...

Oh, and this Thursday is the first meeting of that singing group (of moms that miss music and singing) that I created, so I need to print sheet music, probably get it to them before Thursday, and get some wine and snacks....

And this Saturday is that Trunk-or-Treat with cousins, and then afterwards - was E doing his (like 4th) annual Gore-Fest with the guys? (and I wonder what movie(s) will top last year's choice - The Human Centipede... blech) And are we (me and kids) sleeping at cousin's house? 

I still need to go through all of the photos from the baby shower I photographed last Sunday... I already pared 985 pictures down to 181, but now it's time to cut more and lay out the book the customer wants...

And shit, speaking of the Trunk-or-Treat on Saturday, I need to finish the kids' costumes... Amazon prime is the key, but it's getting close to even the 2-day shipping cutoff! and I still need to actually ASSEMBLE / sew Button's costume....

and I have to remember I booked a mini-photo-session for family pictures on November 5th... after Button's ice hockey clinic that morning at 9:45, we'll have to be sure to get home and get Ms. Mack down for a nap so everyone's smiling later for the camera.... and outfits?!?!?

and I just went through those bins of 2T girl clothes, must remember there were 2 or 3 GREAT christmas dresses, so DO NOT BUY ANY MORE! 

and I need to figure out holiday pictures of the kids since I'll be doing them myself, and GOOD GOD it's November next Wednesday, so I need to GET ON THAT before I can order christmas cards and get them mailed out before New Year's Day, because I will blink and it will be 2018...

oh and my sister's 30th birthday! Mom is flying in from TX and we were going to drive up (to MA) and surprise her the first weekend in December! Except now she's kicked out her boyfriend (good news) but he was our contact for the surprise, so now what do I do??

All of that in my brain, but if I ask E when his next hockey game is, I get a blank stare, and a response of "I'm not sure, I'll have to check the schedule..."

Friday, October 20, 2017

recharging? or depleting?

an extroverted introvert?

or an introverted extrovert?


There are some nights I want to just cuddle up on the couch with the latest episode of Rattled, my most recent crochet project and a glass of Rose (or honey whiskey, as fall is supposedly around the corner...)

And then there are some nights that I just want to put on a pair of heels and go out with the girls and hold slender-stemmed martini glasses.

And usually those days and feelings don't cross - like, if I have dinner plans that night I don't feel pulled to sweats and messy hair. 

Tonight I have dinner plans with the girls, and I've spent the last three work days catching up (still not done) after a nice stretch in Texas (lakeside! drankin' berrrr and hanging with my family!) and this morning, the second morning in a row I felt the sore throat and aches, I wasn't sure I was up to a girls' night.

But sometimes I need charging - and while occasionally that charging is being alone (LOVE the nights E goes to play hockey. ha!) doing whatever I want (ok, mixed in with some laundry and organizing) sometimes I need a social charge.

You'd think I got enough of that with family in Texas - and maybe I did.

But I know this - I've never gone to a girls' night and then regretted it afterwards! (Only regretted the next morning how much we drank!)

Happy Friday!

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

I'm Learning "I'm Sorry..."

I'm learning (veeeeeh-ry slowly...) to say I'm sorry - and because it's easier (than with my husband - maybe I'll grow to that in a few MORE YEARS), I've started with my four-year-old.

I mean, how many times a week do I try to instill manners and kindness?

"What do you say?? (thank you)"

"I just WATCHED you smack your sister on the head! Tell her you're sorry!"

"I know it was an accident you spilled your entire cup of milk... just say, sorry mom and help me clean it up..."

Yet yesterday morning, when it was one of those days - you know, the kind where at daycare drop off the kids possibly still have puffy eyes from their crying jags because they didn't want that jacket, and you might have puffy eyes because you couldn't find your car keys (or the spare car keys...) and you just roll your eyes at the other moms and say, "we're having a rough morning..." and the other moms chuckle because they've been there, we've all been there - the kids can be assholes.

Except I was the asshole yesterday.

 Probably thanks to a weekend that burned too much of a battery that didn't get enough of a recharge Sunday night - I was RAGEY.

Didn't care that Button didn't want that red jacket hanging on the rack, he wanted the other red jacket (WHICH WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND).

Didn't care that Ms. Mack can't physically put her own socks on yet, still got pissed that I had to do it for them both.

Didn't care that it wasn't anyone's fault but MINE that I couldn't find my car keys, still let out a banshee wail while upstairs... came down the stairs to two silent kids just staring at me...

I was a bit hoarse by the time I told Button to just PUT ON THAT JACKET and if the RIGHT red jacket was in my car, we'd switch before getting to daycare. (Also my allergies were making me sneeze ten times a minute and my eyes itch, and I was trying so hard not to rub off/smear eye makeup before work... so I was also hoarse from that.   But also. because I yelled.)

And we rode silently to daycare (for all of the 90 seconds it takes).

And as I was unstrapping Button from his car seat, I slowed down from my MondayMorningHustle leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on his head, told him I loved him, and then gulped.

"I'm sorry I yelled today..."

He nodded and said, "ok, Mom."

And that was it.

I held his hand and carried Ms. Mack and we made our way into daycare, where I didn't roll my eyes at the latest toddler hysterics or little kid antics.

Yesterday was also mine and hubby's 7th wedding anniversary... Maybe there'll be growth for me and I'll learn the I'm Sorry with him in the next seven years.........

Friday, September 29, 2017

I'll just do it all....

So when I have work, and hubby has work, I bring the kids to daycare.
(When I have work, I need to leave the house by 8:35 to drop kids at daycare and be at work by 9am. Hubby has to leave house by approx 7:12am to get to work by 9:30...)
Hubby catches a train (thanks to a recent move to Jersey City for his job. UGH) so he is more tied to a time table than I am.
(sign one that his 'on-time-ness' is more important than me being on time for MY job... -_- )

So when I am off of work (whether a very rare sick day, or playing hookie, or scheduled for xyz appointment) and hubby has work, I bring the kids to daycare.

Which entails getting myself up and presentably dressed even if I didn't have any obligations until later in the day...

So, on days like today - when I have work, and hubby is off (or 'working from home' which means he sits around and has coffee and breakfast and finally signs onto his computer a little after 9:30...) I still bring the kids to daycare.

In the past I've thought, Am I just crazy for not attempting to ask if he would mind bringing the kids - especially on days when we're running late and him bringing the kids means I can get to work ON TIME?!

Well I tried that this morning... hubby works from home today, didn't set an alarm. I must have missed mine, because I wake to hubby telling me, "It's eight-o-clock...." 

So then I mentioned, would he be able to bring Ms. Mack to daycare? (Button spent last night at Nana's house).

he hesitated before finally saying, I guess.

You guess?

I said, "well either that or get her ready and fed in the next TEN MINUTES that I need to leave!

He apparently would rather get her dressed (except he sat so long staring at little girl clothes, apparently befuddled. I mean - PANTS! SHIRT! SHOES AND SOCKS! that I finally had to step in and grab stuff.....) and then pack a breakfast (which I still had to adjust...) and then I was still walking out of the house five minutes late.....