And I spotted the dreaded picture - the coworker (who says she doesn't even WANT to be pregnant!) blasted the shit out of her positive HPTs. All over Facebook. At 5weeks pregnant.
And just you watch - it'll be this little twat (again - my blog, my thoughts - no bullshit) who coasts through everything, passing each milestone with ease. And never has to go back and "un-tell" aaaaall those people she blasted it to the day she got two little pink lines.
WHAT the FUCK universe.
Is it too much to ask for her to get just a little egg on her face? (no pun intended...) A little "false alarm?"
And I'm only ok asking for this because she's said a million times how she would dread to be pregnant right now. Yea yea, maybe that's not really true - and she and her husband are thrilled to be expecting.
Dude - I'm only going by what she tells me. And she tells me that this was so unplanned and that they'll just have TO DEAL WITH IT.
I know your next question - no, she doesn't know about my loss. And so all I wanna do is get all in her face, Bad Girls style, and set her straight - you WEREN'T the first pregnancy in this office, you won't be the last, and you sure as hell aren't as special as you think.
I think the worst part - the horrible legacy this stupid miscarriage has left - is that I CANNOT find happiness, anywhere inside of me, for anyone else right now. I hate that this has been taken from me. My BFF is pregnant, somewhat safely into the second trimester and all I can think and focus on is what was taken from me. She is almost exactly three weeks behind where I should be right now. It is a constant reminder of what I lost. Instead of finding myself healing, each milestone she passes makes my heart break more and more.
I get to a point sometimes where I think, ok - this is not the end of the world. We can try again, and basically do it now! We could get pregnant again any day, and chances are - everything will fine.
Yea. Odds were in our favor the first time too.
Fuck the percentages. Numbers mean nothing to me now. You tell me that I have 97% chance of having a successful pregnancy, and I tell you:
I can't say if - but WHEN we get pregnant again, and as we follow each vegetable and fruit to the next week, I will freak out and panic every minute of every day of every month. I have to believe it will happen, and have complete and utter faith.