Good girls finish last...

I was cruising F.acebook today at lunch - dirty soul-sucking site.  UGH

And I spotted the dreaded picture - the coworker (who says she doesn't even WANT to be pregnant!) blasted the shit out of her positive HPTs.  All over Facebook.  At 5weeks pregnant.

And just you watch - it'll be this little twat (again - my blog, my thoughts - no bullshit) who coasts through everything, passing each milestone with ease.  And never has to go back and "un-tell" aaaaall those people she blasted it to the day she got two little pink lines.

WHAT the FUCK universe.

Is it too much to ask for her to get just  a little egg on her face? (no pun intended...)  A little "false alarm?"

And I'm only ok asking for this because she's said a million times how she would dread to be pregnant right now.  Yea yea, maybe that's not really true - and she and her husband are thrilled to be expecting.

Dude - I'm only going by what she tells me.  And she tells me that this was so unplanned and that they'll just have TO DEAL WITH IT.


I know your next question - no, she doesn't know about my loss.  And so all I wanna do is get all in her face, Bad Girls style, and set her straight - you WEREN'T the first pregnancy in this office, you won't be the last, and you sure as hell aren't as special as you think.

I think the worst part - the horrible legacy this stupid miscarriage has left - is that I CANNOT find happiness, anywhere inside of me, for anyone else right now.  I hate that this has been taken from me.  My BFF is pregnant, somewhat safely into the second trimester and all I can think and focus on is what was taken from me.  She is almost exactly three weeks behind where I should be right now.  It is a constant reminder of what I lost.  Instead of finding myself healing, each milestone she passes makes my heart break more and more.  

I get to a point sometimes where I think, ok - this is not the end of the world.  We can try again, and basically do it now!  We could get pregnant again any day, and chances are - everything will fine.

Yea.  Odds were in our favor the first time too.

Fuck the percentages.  Numbers mean nothing to me now.  You tell me that I have 97% chance of having a successful pregnancy, and I tell you:

I can't say if - but WHEN we get pregnant again, and as we follow each vegetable and fruit to the next week, I will freak out and panic every minute of every day of every month.   I have to believe it will happen, and have complete and utter faith.

(Thanks Kristy)

This definitely changes you to where you sometimes can't even recognize yourself.  There's thoughts and emotions you never thought would be yours. You ignore the "rules" and know that ANYTHING can happen, because it already has.  But you keep moving forward.  Because what greater prize is there at the end of this kind of struggle?