Friday, May 30, 2014

Bio of a Bumpie...

Purely a post for fun - something that came to me while I was Bumping and trying to calm my racing heart while watching the NY Rangers clinch a spot in The Stanley Cup last night... 

I think a lot of you guys are familiar with The Bump (aka crack to TTCers.. I mean, I probably spent hours a day perusing FF charts and BFP stories... )

I was mortified to recently look back through my first few posts on TB....

The first one was titled, no joke:

"no AF with negative HPT!"
My period is [enter random days] late - but my HPT's are all coming up negative! Do you think I'm pregnant?!"

How embarrassing...
What a newb!

I've come to realize that TB is just another version of Mean Girls..

There exists a hierarchy, a natural pecking order, on The Bump of our fellow bumpies (and I say fellow even though it's probably been MONTHS since I've posted - heck even lurked...)

you got your peons, your Newbs:

Your typical Newb introduces herself, and is characterized by her immediate thorough (and lengthy) description of a 2 week span of her life (wasting a minute span of YOUR life you'll never get back), complete with "a crampy pinchy feeling way down near my uterus at 2 am, followed by nausea and sore boobs the next morning."
You can also recognize a Newb by the inevitable statement "I have had regular periods the past century, while I've been on birth control pills.. "
A last identifying trait of the Newbs is indignation at any rude answers they may receive regarding the contents of her uterus..

A little farther up the chain is your regular lurker/occasional poster
This bumpie can be hard to spot amongst your Newbs. Although her post count is very low, she seems educated in subjects such as luteal phases and charting (though she may or may not be up on the finer points such as true EWCM vs watery). She will occasionally chime in, simply repeating the mantra needed to keep the newbs in line (all together now = "test once a week till either 1 -AF arrives or 2 - you hit 60 days..)

Next is your frequent poster
This bumpie commonly has a post-count in the thousands; their "siggy" images are all uniform in size, and their tickers are all up-to-date and current (No 96-weeks pregnant here!) 
This bumpie is beginning to show mature markings of snark and sarcasm, especially when interacting socially with the Newbs.

And then, you have your PRO-FESHUNALS
These bumpies are in the tens of thousands for post count, which continues to increase at alarming rates - other posters begin to question how they time to shower and eat, and don't forget keeping up with their Pinterest, Instagram, and Facebook groups...
Their siggies are updated on the hour with recent pics, countdowns, tickers and siggy-challenge entries.
Their acronym vocabulary is extensive:
     "DH and I were BDing the other night (middle of EOD session - FML) when DS1 walked in, and grabbed my BBT! Good thing he didn't see all the OPK's!"
They are the culprits behind the newb indignation at rude responses:
Newb: My period is 3 days late, I'm NEVER LATE - but all my pregnancy tests are negative!
PRO: [GIFs - sometimes obscene, most always rude:]
 They took the recent (ok months ago) format switch in stride, embracing the @ tagging and LoveTits.  Even their spouses are familiar with the other PRO's and the drama that occurs on the boards.  They never forget - and can track down old posts from the bowels of TB history.
They create words that become regular bump vocabulary, a Bump-Level Urban Dictionary:
What an asshat.... twatwaffle... cuntnugget  (pardon my french...)
Their capabilities of finding the Just-Right-How-Appropriate JPG or GIF are limitless, sometimes even finding entire sets of themed GIFS:
Hola2 Hola2
This bumpie will admittedly forgo early bedtimes and showering in order to flip through (and frequently participate in) cross-board drama. 
This bumpie's chart is immaculate - no open circles, CP and CM religiously checked and noted, + and - OPK's logged, even headaches, nausea, fatigue and sore boobs are entered.

These bumpies tend to be the driving force behind GBCBs;  they are QFP queens;  they could school you in FF.
They have seen it all - from fisting to prepare for childbirth, to CM tasting...

wait - what?

you don't know those acronyms?!

you newb...

Thursday, May 29, 2014

More Therapy...

A weekend in Seaside Heights - boardwalk, bay, beautiful weather - and lots of great therapy! 

Sun Therapy
   hanging in the backyard in our PNP
("the shnozberries taste like shnozberries!!")
weirdo kept licking the side of his PNP... lol

Sand Therapy
    hanging in our sun tent on the beach! (for basically the first time, since this (left, approx 1 month old!) didn't quite count in my book...
Hola1 Hola2

Sea Therapy
   he kept trying to crawl straight into the bay!
Hola1 Hola2 Hola2

We spent early Monday morning driving back home, and finished the day on our back deck, burger&beer in hand, and feet in Ben's little inflatable pool (kid LOVES his water!) He followed his splash-session with a solid nap after a busy weekend, and Mommy and Daddy did some summer-car-washing...

Now here we are, only a day or so left in the month of May! HOW the HELL did that happen?!

I've ordered sample invites, and next step will be getting them officially ordered and sent out for the BigTopBash coming up...

Hola1 Hola2

(I'm leaning towards #1... votes?)

Friday, May 23, 2014

Ten @ Ten

(A little late (ok almost a week late...))
And a quick summary of the past week that I've not been posting - I had a therapy session.
Saturday night.
With My Circle - my 5 girls, my sisters! - with wine, and with tapas.
We laughed so hard, we cried.  The pregnant one peed her pants. 
 We over ate and over drank, which led to over sharing - but not really, cuz there's no such thing as over sharing on Girls Night!

What a session... The next is scheduled for June 14th...

More therapy this weekend - 3 nights in Seaside Heights with our three little sand crabs for Memorial Day Weekend...

And now, 10@10...

1. You growl... I'm actually not even sure it's technically a growl, maybe a mix of a zombie growl?  But you know how to respond when asked, "What do the monsters say??"
It's your latest trick, and we pull it out everywhere we go!

2. You're hopefully at the tail-end of the "I-Hate-Baths" phase... it's taking less and less time to get past the "GET-ME-OUT-OF-HERE" crawling and scrambling out of a slippery tub...

3. STILL NO TEETH.  Mommy doesn't want you to grow up TOO fast, but you're gonna be a real-life Benjamin Button with all those 10-month-old gummy smiles!

4. You're liking daycare a little bit more each time I drop you off... and while I like doing it, I hate being the one you see walking away from you in the morning... (Thankfully, Daddy has fallen down on pick-up duty lately, so I also get to be the face you see rescuing you in the afternoon!)

5. While you have mastered the stairs going UP, you haven't quite gotten down the understanding that you CANNOT, mid-climb, try to sit back down! Mommy's hands may catch you now, but they won't always be there!

6.You think sneezing is hilarious, and growl back at us, laughing behind our tissues...

7. You're eating (everything in sight I might add) like a 4-year old.  Pizza? YUM!
Meatballs? DELISH!  (Mommy's doing her best to stop daddy from too much ice cream time, but that's another of your favorites!)

8. You're walking with your little walker - and just like crawling, god help the poor couch - or dog! - that gets in your way!

 9. You LOVE the sand and beach - barefeet and all:
Hola1 Hola2

10. You're now less than two months from your birthday (OMG OMG OMG) and planning is Under Way:

Friday, May 16, 2014

Vacancies and Voids...

Yesterday marked two years - 730 days... 17,520 hours - since The Appointment.

And today... today is two years since our D&C.  Because of this, I've tried to get this part of The Story completed in time for posting today - it's proven to be difficult to find the right words... to find the right mindset, as I receive texted pictures of a smiling 10-month old little boy...

I really want to get at least part of this posted today, so I will publish a "Part I" and continue to write...

But I just wanted to leave a prologue:

I didn't realize, in the numb and mindless hours and days two years ago, the emotions - the despair, the darkness, the emptiness - that came clattering down and crashing in.  I find myself reliving, refeeling, things that I may not have been able to acknowledge or fully explore two years ago.

If you find yourself in a bad place to be reading this, protect yourself, close the page.  (Spoiler alert - you know the ending, no need to read the mystery if you already know whodunnit...)


She couldn't breathe.

Her body continued its mindless minute-to-minute tasks - her heart kept up its pumping and relaying of blood, her lungs still expanded and contracted, her brain still fired off synapses - her nervous system registered that her legs were beginning to tingle and cramp, having been tucked up for far too long, hours without moving...

It was a nightmare.

She dreamt that she would be able to slowly pull the stifling comforter from over her head, and see that the clock was rewound just 24 hours; see that it was Tuesday morning and she was getting dressed for work, with no threat or reason to believe her beautifully cherished and revered pregnancy was anything but perfect.

Instead, she relived the nightmare over and over: the Tuesday morning that involved delicately laying on the couch, watching the minutes tick by; watching the time deliriously creep by, each minute one less until all was revealed.

She had been certain of one belief: if It had already happened, the course of things couldn't be changed.  There would be no beseeching pleads.  All that was left was to discover: Yes or No.  Happy or Sad.

Life or Death.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Each traffic light and turn she had navigated as if on auto-pilot:  Left-blinker... It's over, just accept it - you'll either be prepared or pleasantly surprised.

 Each heavy foot up the stairwell to the doctor's office had been one less step in the Before, and one step closer to The After.  One step closer to knowing.. Yes or No.
Happy or Sad.

Life or Death.

The walk down the endless hallway to the last room on the right - the only ultrasound room - had been her own Bridge of Sighs, the last view she would have Before Knowing.

And the music - the depthless, inconsequential soft rock that haunts her, trickles in even through the heavy comforter - it became her dirge, as the sonographer brusquely snapped it off just moments after touching the wand to her abdomen.  She found herself on the receiving end of pleas, being asked to "hold on just one more minute" as the wand was waved this way and that, no magic forthcoming.

Lifetimes transpired, then expired, as the words leaked from the sonographer, as if air from a deflating tire: "I'm so sorry, I don't have good news for you..."

And with that proclamation, her world, which had been precariously teetering over an abyss, finally stumbled, tumbled and plunged into black.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Supertitions and Suspicions... (Part III)

"I didn't get you a card or anything - because I'm just a little superstitious..."

The comment from Grace's mother-in-law still rang, two days after Mother's Day.

She had spent the morning happily weeding and clearing out her front beds, the better to appreciate the recently-blossomed tulips, daffodils, and other perennials.  Then the family had gathered at the house of Darren's parents to present cards and gifts for Darren's mom and his aunt.

Grace had been pleasantly surprised at the small, thoughtful card from her sister-in-law on her "first" Mother's Day, and had sat with a hand resting on her almost-12-week pooch, watching the gifts be oooohed over and envisioned her First Real Mother's Day in one year...

But at the same time, she had a hard time imaging it.  The past few days had brought a doubt to her heart - was she really going to be a mother?  Despite the unbuttoning she'd had to do after lunch lately, Grace was having a hard time accepting that her belly would swell, that she would feel tiny kicks and flips, that she would go through labor in less than 6 months' time...

While Darren was excitedly playing with his new godson, a precious 4-week old little boy born to his cousin and good friend, Grace had distressingly, but silently, noted that she was able to stay awake - in front of a droning TV no less - far past her recently typical bedtime of 9pm.

And she became alarmed when, morning after morning, she had to clear long blond hair out of the shower drain - an activity that hadn't been required for the past 11 weeks...

But surely, Grace had attempted to reassure herself, with no spotting or cramping - everything must be fine.  She just wished that she could locate the precious gallumping heart-beat - it had been 3.5 weeks since last hearing & seeing it - on her home doppler, something she had convinced Darren to spend the $52.95 on.  She wished she could have Darren's confidence that everything was a-ok, despite the doppler silence at 10weeks, and 11 weeks - gestational ages at which, according to her research,  a heart-beat should be loud enough.

She wished she didn't have the niggling bad feeling that the next 6 months wouldn't necessarily contain labor and a new love...  And the niggling feeling had gotten in the way of her current love - she hadn't felt comfortable when Darren hinted at physical intimacy the other night - could the motion jar loose the fragile budding life?

When her daily-checked What To Expect app informed her that the baby was now fig-sized and able to open and close his/her miniature hands, Grace felt secure enough to let Darren make love to her the night of Mother's Day.  She regretted it as she sat in the bathroom afterwards, panicking at the site of reddish-brown in the toilet bowl.  She spent the next 24 hours furiously researching on her phone, and even sent a frantic text to her NICU-nurse friend who just might have some good words and calming advice...

While Darren still maintained the confidence that his little fig was safe and snug, the niggling feeling began to weigh on her heart so much that Grace, with trepidation, decided to call her obstetrician.  She was relieved that the nurse didn't scoff at her concerns.  After notifying her office that she would be taking personal time the next day, Grace tried to quiet her thoughts for the next eleven hours and 28 minutes - time left until her last-minute appointment - with a pillow under her midsection and a distracting romantic comedy on TV.

The end of the first trimester was tantalizingly close - her Nuchal Scan was in just 4 days, and with that completed, she could say farewell to the first three months of pregnancy, and maybe then, start to accept that this was all really happening...

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Feverish Firsts...

First of The Firsts....

First Almost-ER Visit (while Mommy wasn't even home!)
     So last weekend, I had gone with all of the girls of E's family (my MIL, her sister, my SILs (3!) and E's cousin) to Atlantic City - my MIL gets comped rooms, she gambles so much... lol
(Get this - there was SEVEN of us in a room meant for FOUR - which means three of us hung out sneakily while four people checked in, and then I HID IN THE CLOSET with E's cousin while the maid/bell-hop brought a cot (for my two younger SIL's to SHARE) - it was straight out of a TV sitcom...)

Anyways - so I'm in AC for the weekend, demanding hourly pictures of my BenButton...
Saturday morning, my internal alarm goes off for 7:30 and I text E for my picture and get this:
Adorable little-man-cuteness in his flannel pants, right?

And then a text 20 minutes later:
First almost ER trip
 Face planted right onto a sippy cup.
mouth full of blood.  ok now.
calmed down and blood stopped. 


Apparently, seconds after /\THAT/\ was taken, he had his little accident and started the mouth bleeding - E told me he was already calculating what he'd need to get out the door ASAP and to the ER (keys?!)
After furiously typing, texting & chatting - I was relieved to hear that Ben was a-ok. 
 *see the blood on his bib?!
I was worried about trauma to his gums and his STILL-HAVEN'T-COME-IN-YET teeth, but E thinks it was just a superficial cut by the plastic mouth of the sippy cup... So, fun.
First Almost ER Trip. (I'm kind of glad I wasn't there for that one.... yikes)

Then we had a Monster's Inc themed birthday party to attend where Ben ate half my pizza (this new diet should work for me FABULOUSLY!), climbed up the stage stairs by himself, and made it into his first Group Party Pic! (thanks to my SIL, hiding behind Ben)


And then, this past weekend - after a Mother's Day brunch with all of E's family, we hung out at MIL's house where she pulled out her baby pool, an 18m swimsuit (which hung adorably low on Ben's baby-butt cheeks...) and BIL's shades:
First time in the pool!
*BTW - we so rocked the swimsuit commando - mommy didn't think to bring swim diapers, and you know - he's the only one who'll use that pool, what's a little poop here and there??

aaaaaand then we had our First Fever...

Daycare called yesterday afternoon - I used to not answer unrecognizable numbers, but now the Mommy instinct was on and I heard "Everything is ok, but Ben's running a fever of 101..."

I had already started packing up work for home before she even finished her sentence, and I told her I'd be there within 15 minutes...

He seemed no worse for wear... but I mean, this is the kid who had such a bad ear infection he had PUS coming out, but never showed a single symptom like ear-pulling or crying...
Some tylenol, Daddy & George cuddles (George is his monkey... lol), and a good night's sleep - and he was back down to 98.4 this morning, which clears him to go back to daycare tomorrow.  (They require a 24-hours of fever-free, which gave me the perfect excuse to hang with baby all morning today!)

Sunday, May 11, 2014

The Post

It's that time of the year for The Post about Mother's Day...
and this is all I have to say:

Happy Mother's Day to the women who can't hold their children in their arms, but will forever hold them in their hearts...

Happy Mother's Day to:

Max & Harper's Mommy
M & N's Ducky Mommy
Oliver's Mommy
a Princess & Superhero's Mommy
GT & William's Mommy
Evie & Nora's mommy
Eva's Mommy
Nolan's Mommy
Laura Kate's Mommy
Parker's Mommy
Lily, Button & Beanster's Mommy
Casey & Jaimie, Dustin, and Daylin's Mommy

Happy Mother's Day to the women that became a mother the minute they started loving an unborn child, conceived first and foremost in their heart.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

a Heartbeat, a video and a confession (The Story: Part II)

The second doctor's appointment, one that was much more productive than the BarelyPositive and judging nurses, was just three days before the large Easter dinner they had just hosted (and had left Grace quite exhausted. Thankfully, after the news was revealed - and exhilarating reactions caught on tape - the family insisted she sit for most of the cleanup.)

 Everything couldn't have been more perfect: Grace's parents had flown in from out-of-town the morning of Good Friday - a date never to be forgotten, as Grace and Darren got a peek at the tiny little second heartbeat within her body.  She had wondered, laying back on the exam table, the paper crinkling as she adjusted her paper apron covering her bare legs, if the ultrasound would even be able to pick up the baby's heartbeat over hers, pounding like horse hooves.
The two (three!) of them floated back out into the waiting room, airy smiles plastered on as Grace handed a black and white printout to her mom, softly whispering, "There's a heartbeat..."

There had been a beautiful little blob, a goodie bag - samples of prenatal vitamins; little booklets showing what your baby looked like at 8weeks, 9 weeks, 12 weeks; a small pregnancy journal with plastic sleeves for photos and ultrasounds - and an appointment set for 10 days hence.

She hadn't experienced any nausea, only an insatiable hunger every few hours. And a cease-and-desist had been issued on the shedding of loose hairs - no more clogged drains or full brushes.

As she sat with her feet curled under her, book face-down and dogs tucked behind her knees, Grace could hear Darren rewatching the "Reveal Video" for what must have been the 10th time that day.  She could picture the scene in her head - one she'd seen countless times since Easter - Darren's voice instructing everyone to say "Grace is pregnant!" instead of Cheese!  Darren's mother sitting there dumbly smiling for the picture, not registering the news... The faces of Darren's aunt and sister, Grace's brother-in-law, and their double takes... And clearly identified on film, the moment they one-by-one realized...

And here they were, one week later - just a few days until the next doctor's visit and what was hopefully the next time they'd see their sweet pea... An estimated due date had already been calculated, and Grace could picture Thanksgiving with the same family arranged around the table - she switched visions from having a swollen belly, feet up and watching her mother-in-law, again, captaining the preparation and clean-up, to still sitting, feet up, but with a mewling newborn at her breast, watching her mother-in-law coo and snap photographs.

 She'd had her first experience telling someone, other than family, of her pregnancy when she went out with her single NYC-residing girlfriend the past weekend.  As her girlfriend suggested sharing a Brie-cheese appetizer, Grace tried to nonchalantly mention it was best that she avoid unpasteurized cheese, could they find another option?

The girlfriend, only being familiar with pregnancies from her experience as a NICU nurse, cracked a smile and raised an eyebrow, an unspoken question between the two friends.  And when the school-girl squealing took over the small restaurant, Grace began to fall in love with the Telling Of and the exciting reactions in response to The News...

Friday, May 2, 2014


How awful - I started this post on accountability.  I started it weeks ago... way to go on accountability to the blog!

Anyways, here goes:

So whenever I apparently began writing this post, the prior day I had gotten on the scale and was down 6.5 lbs from the starting weight when I began the WorkOut-WeightLoss Buggy List item... GO ME!

aaaaaand then I spent the past week with family:
(Mom and Dad from TX! Brother, SIL and 6mo-baby girl from WA! Sister, BIL and two more nieces from MA!) at a house in the Poconos where we ate, and drank, and played games (foosball! pool! pingpong!) and I got back on the scale when we returned home to discover I was back up 4 lbs....

#SorryNotSorry - I had way too much fun during our "Family Reunion" to regret the late night beer pong games with Mom (who says you can't teach an old dog middle-aged woman new tricks??) and the constant snacking on home-made chex-mix... we fit in exercise where we could: hikes (for which I toted Ben in his emptied-out diaper-bag-turned-sling because this mom forgot a carrier) and visits to this awesome incredible amazing place:
Dingman's Falls

We made homemade ice cream, ziploc baggie style, and glow-bracelets and attempted glow-bubbles (my sister is a little pinterest-crazy...)

(I'm sorry to bust this pinterest-myth: while the bubble solution glowed fabulously in the bottles, the neon colors did not translate well - ok, at ALL - to the actual bubbles...)

We saw BEARS the first night - four little cubs that climbed waaaaay up in the trees... My dad's theory was that Mama Bear (who we did not see) heard noises and said to her little cubs, "You climb that tree and DON'T COME DOWN until I come back!"


Hola1 Hola2 Hola2

We came home last Friday and guests slowly made their trips back home - one day Mom and Dad flew back to TX, the next day Brother and family flew back to WA, and life chez Buggy List slowly returned to normal... or whatever we call the craziness here...

But here we are - May 2 - and I've got to hold myself accountable for the goals I set for myself a few weeks ago...
  • schedule dentist appointment (for *ahem* a root canal I was supposed to have done 2 months ago...) see below
  • call dentist for claim forms to submit to Aflac  Got claim forms, faxed to Aflac - just yesterday received a piece of mail from Aflac - they need a different claim form from the dentist, so back on the list this one goes... grrrrr...
  • schedule dermatologist appointment (How much time is left in April?!) <-- was my original note on this goal when I started writing this post... The other night I spotted another mole that seems to have grown in size so this is going to the top of the list for May...
  • REALLY start training for July Mud-Run  DONE - running approx 2-3 times a week; I could technically ramp up the strength training - arm, leg and abs. (Updated note - I did jack-shit (pardonez le francais) over the past two weeks (see above-mentioned beer and chex-mix) and so I really need to get back into training, ESPECIALLY as the weather has consistently gotten nicer (except that random - "hey it's 70 degrees toda- SURPRISE here's some snow!" that we got right around Easter, which of course killed my daffodils and perennials...)

My next goal/accountability item, I feel a little bit more successful at... A loss-mom in blogland just had her sweet son's second birthday in heaven, and thanks to generous and thoughtful strangers across the world blogland and their RAKEs, there is a beautiful book display in memory of her angel at the local library (with a few books donated in the name of a baby my MIL lost before 12 months to childhood leukemia, and also Ben's middle-name-sake.)

And with an official crawler on our hands (ACK! Can you believe it?!) we ramped up our baby-proofing process:
I've got the cords to our blinds all tucked and tied up; I lowered Ben's mattress myself the other night* only after the fourth time E tells me "I'll do it tonight when I get home from work"
*and by the other night I mean two three months ago... this whole concept of time eludes me now...

I moved the monitor (it had been sitting on the end railing of his crib) when, one morning I peered into our video monitor and saw a close-up of baby lips and nose- Ben was trying to pull the monitor down - hello cord!!!!!! And again, it's been four days of E telling me he'll wall mount the damn thing... *NOTE at publishing - here we are days after the initial writing of that paragraph and GUESS WHAT STILL ISN'T WALL MOUNTED...

And yet - day after day, I get the flippant comment from E that I'm not taking safety seriously, which just steams my beans:
fBFF, her DH and their DS (18months) came over last night two weeks ago - and their son almost fell down our basement stairs (carpeted thankfully) because - GUESS WHO forgot to shut the basement door?!

Accountability, my dear DH...
(I guess I have to give him a little credit - just last night he anchored to the wall a very tall, top heavy dresser in our room... But that's only one down, and at least four more pieces of furniture to go!)

SO - May's Goals List:
  • call again the dentist for different claim forms to submit to Aflac
  • call again the dentist for appt (once Aflac pays claim)
  • schedule dermatologist appointment
  • RE-start training for July Mud-Run
  • Make eye-doctor appointment - I have my last pair of contacts in right now!
  •  load pictures from Poconos! (OMG the pictures... so. many. to process...)
  • finalize editing on pictures from maternity shoot I did for D (7 months pregnant already! WHAT?!)
  • load pictures from D's baby shower (while I'm on Pictures!)
  •  Get E to finally wall-mount monitor (or end up doing the damn thing myself!
  • Get E to install baby gates at base and top of stairs (Ben climbed halfway up the staircase the other day! *Don't worry - babysitter was right behind him the whole way... but he's capable!)
  • Get E to finish anchoring furniture to walls

Do the goals that I'm listing for E actually count?? lol

And speaking of accountability, I'm going to face some on Monday when my boss returns to work so I better get back to the grind!