Friday, May 30, 2014

Bio of a Bumpie...

Purely a post for fun - something that came to me while I was Bumping and trying to calm my racing heart while watching the NY Rangers clinch a spot in The Stanley Cup last night... 

I think a lot of you guys are familiar with The Bump (aka crack to TTCers.. I mean, I probably spent hours a day perusing FF charts and BFP stories... )

I was mortified to recently look back through my first few posts on TB....

The first one was titled, no joke:

"no AF with negative HPT!"
My period is [enter random days] late - but my HPT's are all coming up negative! Do you think I'm pregnant?!"

How embarrassing...
What a newb!

I've come to realize that TB is just another version of Mean Girls..

There exists a hierarchy, a natural pecking order, on The Bump of our fellow bumpies (and I say fellow even though it's probably been MONTHS since I've posted - heck even lurked...)

you got your peons, your Newbs:

Your typical Newb introduces herself, and is characterized by her immediate thorough (and lengthy) description of a 2 week span of her life (wasting a minute span of YOUR life you'll never get back), complete with "a crampy pinchy feeling way down near my uterus at 2 am, followed by nausea and sore boobs the next morning."
You can also recognize a Newb by the inevitable statement "I have had regular periods the past century, while I've been on birth control pills.. "
A last identifying trait of the Newbs is indignation at any rude answers they may receive regarding the contents of her uterus..

A little farther up the chain is your regular lurker/occasional poster
This bumpie can be hard to spot amongst your Newbs. Although her post count is very low, she seems educated in subjects such as luteal phases and charting (though she may or may not be up on the finer points such as true EWCM vs watery). She will occasionally chime in, simply repeating the mantra needed to keep the newbs in line (all together now = "test once a week till either 1 -AF arrives or 2 - you hit 60 days..)

Next is your frequent poster
This bumpie commonly has a post-count in the thousands; their "siggy" images are all uniform in size, and their tickers are all up-to-date and current (No 96-weeks pregnant here!) 
This bumpie is beginning to show mature markings of snark and sarcasm, especially when interacting socially with the Newbs.

And then, you have your PRO-FESHUNALS
These bumpies are in the tens of thousands for post count, which continues to increase at alarming rates - other posters begin to question how they time to shower and eat, and don't forget keeping up with their Pinterest, Instagram, and Facebook groups...
Their siggies are updated on the hour with recent pics, countdowns, tickers and siggy-challenge entries.
Their acronym vocabulary is extensive:
     "DH and I were BDing the other night (middle of EOD session - FML) when DS1 walked in, and grabbed my BBT! Good thing he didn't see all the OPK's!"
They are the culprits behind the newb indignation at rude responses:
Newb: My period is 3 days late, I'm NEVER LATE - but all my pregnancy tests are negative!
PRO: [GIFs - sometimes obscene, most always rude:]
 They took the recent (ok months ago) format switch in stride, embracing the @ tagging and LoveTits.  Even their spouses are familiar with the other PRO's and the drama that occurs on the boards.  They never forget - and can track down old posts from the bowels of TB history.
They create words that become regular bump vocabulary, a Bump-Level Urban Dictionary:
What an asshat.... twatwaffle... cuntnugget  (pardon my french...)
Their capabilities of finding the Just-Right-How-Appropriate JPG or GIF are limitless, sometimes even finding entire sets of themed GIFS:
Hola2 Hola2
This bumpie will admittedly forgo early bedtimes and showering in order to flip through (and frequently participate in) cross-board drama. 
This bumpie's chart is immaculate - no open circles, CP and CM religiously checked and noted, + and - OPK's logged, even headaches, nausea, fatigue and sore boobs are entered.

These bumpies tend to be the driving force behind GBCBs;  they are QFP queens;  they could school you in FF.
They have seen it all - from fisting to prepare for childbirth, to CM tasting...

wait - what?

you don't know those acronyms?!

you newb...


  1. What do you call someone who used to be a frequent poster and maybe even one of the "cool kids" on the board who then went into quiet obscurity who wants to get back into the swing of things but doesn't know how to find her place among the bmb who already seems to be kind of nichy and is intimidated to re-intro?

    1. haha - you call them K and Wease. lol