Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Alive and Allergic!

Because our power went out before the damn storm even started, the last two nights have been filled with Scrabble by candlelight with E (who I eeked out a win over), attempts EVERY TIME I walked in the bathroom to flip on the lights, 5 dogs and 11 adults in one house for meals and kinect entertainment (they had power, obviously...), allergy attacks in family houses that have me sneezy, stuffed and miserable, listening to A.M. radio for news of the Jersey Shore - it's been a crazy two days...

Seaside Heights is nearly no more...

If you remember, Wease and I partied there in August

E's surprise 30th was there in July...

We partied and paddleboarded there in late June...

How I'll remember it:
How it is now:

End of the 2008 summer season:
End of the 2012 season, and Sandy's destruction:

Thoughts and prayers to all those living in areas with severe flooding, damage, power outages, and memories destroyed...

Monday, October 29, 2012

Hatches: Battened Down!

We're getting ready for hurricane S.andy to hit in T minus approximately 5 hours...

Water - CHECK
Flashlights, Nooks, cell phones and tablets charged - CHECK
Candles - CHECK
hamburgers for propane grill - CHECK
Sweet potatos  - CHECK

WAIT. what?!!?

Poor little Zoey ate wet dog food at my inlaws' last night (she is on a strict dry-dogfood-diet only!) and has the squirts...

I've been told that sweet potatos, cubed and boiled, are the best thing for doggie diahrea - binds 'em tighter than a summer-camp braid...

It better work - she's only 8 lbs and all I need is a Zoey-kite once the winds pick up and she still has to be pooping every 30 minutes!

So buckle down, keep inside and stay safe all who are experiencing Sandy's wrath! (She must be one scorned b*tch!)

Sunday, October 28, 2012


so if you live in the east (from FL to ME) you've probably heard of this thing they're calling Frankenstorm...

well it's coming.

E is getting prepared with both the fire department of our new town, and the fire department of our old town (where we get a TON of flooding, and where he will probably be spending Monday night on call at the fire house...)

And on top of this all, his grandfather is still very sick - hospice is visiting every day, his mother and aunt (daughters of the grandfather) are barely sleeping, and they are trying to face the possibility that he may pass while ambulances and funerals homes are unable to get to their house...

We spent most of yesterday there (E came a few hours after me).  At one point, I was sitting alone with Pop, keeping him company and thought - Oh my gosh.  Please know that I'm the only one in the room, you can't die now - I can't be the one, the only non-blood relative in the house, to have to go tell your daughters that I think you stopped breathing - please...

I hope that doesn't come across as selfish, thinking of only my own feelings - it was more along the lines that your daughters, your grandchildren - they should be the ones here when you take your last breaths, holding your hand...

But this morning, my mother in law called to say he sat up at one point this morning, gave a big smile and said, "Hugs! Look at everyone here, I want hugs!"

So as soon as some preliminary pre-storm prep is done, we will be going to give some big hugs.

 Quick light side note: I can't tell you how freaking awesome it is to talk to your mother on the phone, and have her say, "Hey so I saw pictures from the wedding last weekend and OH EM GEE your pregnant bff? SHE'S EFFING HUUUUUUUUGE!"

And then to have her explode with laughter when she hears that the baby's middle name
is going to be after the mother's all-time favorite movie and character
(even HE is dubious...)



I love my mom.

Also, thanks to all ICLWer's who came by, thank you for your comments - and tell all your friends to come and join next month!! 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Thith hurths...

things I've accomplished today:

1. On the way to work I sneezed so hard I got boogers/loogies on my dashboard this morning.  While (I'm sure) pretty comical to watch, it was actually quite dangerous (and disgusting) trying to wipe it off, without smearing it from here to kingdom come...

2. I am officially no longer in possession of ANY WISDOM TEETH! (Don't worry, the wisdom has not left the building... although some may argue otherwise... especially when I made comments such as "oh yes, please, shoot me up, Novocaine is great for teeth pulling" and "no, no - I did not feel that needle at all!" [utter lie] to the oral surgeon this afternoon...)

3. While nursing a gaping hole in my mouth, I efficiently took care of myself for dinner, as Eric is visiting his family (brief melancholia here - his grandfather is officially on morphine and hospice, thoughts and prayers for his family as they go through this time...)

4. I got nominated for the faaaah-bulous Liebster Blog Award , an award nominated by fellow bloggers, and given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.  

My fellow blogger-nominator is the lovely aspGriswold (who is currently going through her 2nd, and hopefully last ((because its so SUCCESSFUL!)) round of IVF, send her T&P's!) who has posed the following questions:

1) If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you want to be and why? Maybe an episode of Veggie Tales, cuz then I'm a walking TALKING pickle in a jar!
2) What is your favorite holiday? When I was in college, and all about letting my girl-goods hang out (you know, husband and b/f free!) it was Slut-o-ween, but now - definitely Christmas.  I know its not yet Halloween, but I'm shameless admitting to stalking the Christmas aisles at the stores already!
3) If you have a bucket list, what is the most ridiculous thing on it? How about a Buggy List? eh?! (see what I did there? =P) 
The most ridiculous thing on this current list might be getting a new tattoo, but considering I already have five it's not quite ridiculous I guess... I definitely want to scuba though - like, full-breathing-apparatus-required-scuba diving...
4) If you could only watch one disney movie for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why? It's gonna have to be one with reallllly good music (god bless N.apster back in the day - my sister and I downloaded every Disney song, karaoke style, and sang our LittleMermaidLoving hearts out...) so yea, either Little Mermaid or The Lion King (I just can't. pick. one.)
5) What is your favorite nursery rhyme? I'm not sure this is technically a "nursery rhyme" but my mom said it to me once and I'll never forget:
"There once was a girl
with a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very good.
And when she was bad, she was HORRID."
I love it cuz I have curly hair... and can get pretty horrid... =P
6) Do you have any pets? If no, why not? I <3 my furbabies!! 
Zoey and Rocco, the two best friends that ANYONE can have!
7) Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Why yes, it is - the first time I can say that in a few years!
8) What do you like to do in your spare time? read - anything I can get my hands on, but currently 50 Shades of Grey (again) and Stephen King (for halloween!) and play piano - my free therapy
9) If you could be any crayon color, which would you choose to be? Cerulean.
10) What is the furthest you have been away from home and where was it? HOME being where parents are (cuz mine have lived in NJ, MA, and TX since I've been born!)  - Italy, on our honeymoon, was the farthest. Second farthest was Alaska!
11) How old were you when you got your first cell phone? 16 - I didn't get a cell phone until I was old enough to drive.  And even then, it was mostly used to receive calls from mom such as "Honey, stop and pick up milk on the way home please!"

SO - now it's my turn to nominate some kick-ass blogs (and some kickASS blog authors) to receive the Liebster Blog Award  and to answer 11 questions created by moi (and I hope it's ok to change the rules a little, highlighting 6 blogs instead of the 11, as that would basically wipe out my blogroll and double nominate a few people...)

1. Katherine over at Grow Baby Grow
2. Ducky over at I'm Just Ducky, Thanks
3. Alexis over at Our Journey Through This Lovely Life

Thursday, October 25, 2012

"I never win ANYTHING!"

(If you're new from ICLW - quick back story at the beginning of this post as well as in the right side-bar timeline...)

 I did it again. I had a great blog entry in my head this morning..

something about 50 Shades... I even had a cute title : 50 Shades of __________ (and that's where my mind goes blank.)

I'm sure the idea came from last night - when I tell E at dinner, "wink wink - hey hunnie, reading 50 Shades of G.rey over here!" - and then we both want to be dominated later (and by dominated, I mostly mean the one on bottom... or in front... you get me, right?!)


Last night, we went to a fundraiser that E's company was sponsoring - Oktoberfest complete with lots of beer sampling, free food, a photobooth and prize wheel from V.erizon Wireless where apparently, I got the best prize on the wheel, first spin - bluetooth headset!  (does anyone use those anymore?)

A fundraiser is not a fundraiser without a tricky tray either - what's a Tricky Tray you ask? (I don't know if it's a northeast thing, but I had no clue what it was when I moved here so let me enlighten anyone clueless like I was: it's like a raffle, but there are lots of prizes and you buy a whole bunch of tickets, and enter your tickets only in the raffles that you want to win... pretty cool)

I got handed a camera to take pictures for the organization throwing the fundraiser, and *click* after *click* I photograph EVERYONE ELSE winning every single prize.

I NEVER WIN ANYTHING!! (ok, I got the bluetooth headset earlier, but I realized it wasn't that special, as I watched V.erizon basically GIVE the headsets away at the end of the night...)

but WAIT - one last prize, they say - the door prize that everyone (who bought tickets) was automatically entered to win, and it's a free 1-hour massage! (personally, I think it was the best prize of the night!)


And then, at the end of the night, I noticed a beer stand vendor walk up and drop a case of beer by E's coworker, muttering "oh, WHOOPS - look what just fell off the back of my truck!"

So I walked up to his beer table, shamelessly flipped my hair, batted the lashes, and said - "Would you happen to have any of the Railbender Ale?" *just only, the best local beer, EVER

He gave me two six packs.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Genuis : LOST!

I came up with the best, ever blog idea - snark, wit, humor abounding.

The only problem was I thought of it at 11:30 at night, while laying in bed reading about poor Demi's heartbreaking divorce (ragmags are great falling-asleep-reads) after having been assed out on the couch earlier post-hot-yoga...

Soooooo, the Great, Best Ever Blog Idea has vanished.  Probably never to be seen again...
*Note to self, starting making notes to self.

Yesterday I DID come up with this, a silver lining to "long" cycles (and it's "long" not just plain old long, because I know its all relative and I'm sure some of you may have read previous posts and been like, pshaw - girl, that ain't long!)

So the silver lining is this: I get a sanity break every 32 days!!

With FW not coming until around CD17, I can comfortably step back, on CD1, from ALL TTC OBSESSIONS - temping, charting, OPK'ing, brewing green tea, gulping down POM juice, chart stalking, twinge-and-cramp analyzing.

I CAN STOP it all for a blissful 10 days.

But alas, my vacation is coming to an end - Amazon will recommend once more the combo pack of Wondfo OPKs and OPKs I have previously purchased.  DH will once again, get the CranberryPomegranate juice which is sweet of him, but AGAIN, the wrong thing - "Hunnie, STRAIGHT POM JUICE!"  I will once again be squinting, bleary eyed, at the BBT at 7am and trying to commit to memory whether it's 96.9, or wait - is that 69.6? Is this thing upside down?!

So to all those embarking on a(nother) new cycle - GOOD LUCK, Happy Humping, rainbow farts and babydust-squirting-unicorns!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I don't EAT peas!

[scene] E has requested K make dinner so he can be at the firehouse for a drill by 6:30, K RARELY makes dinner but when she does, E never complains because 1 - its usually delicious and 2 - its a meal that he didn't have to make.

E arrives home at 5:45, meatloaf is in the oven. Frozen bag of peas and mushrooms is waiting to defrost.

E: So what do you have for sides? I've got to go in like, 10 minutes.

K: There's peas and mushrooms in the freezer, they only take 5 minutes.

E: But I don't eat peas.


**OK it went like that, except for the last line... I said something more like, gee couldn't you have phrased that a little better? maybe, "I don't really like peas, is there something else?"

I made it all better by treating myself to an anthropologie shopping spree...
pic namepic namepic namepic name
$58 to $19.95 to $14.95      * $118 to $29.95 to $22.45      $148 to $79.95 to $59.95    * $78 to $39.95 to $29.95

from $78 to $39.95 to $29.95

AND one more shirt (cant find picture... OR original price) from $29.95 to $22.45
AND one more sun dress (no pic again, or price, but SO CUTE with flower patches as the pockets!) from $29.95 to $22.45
So, because I'm a "numbers" person and love to see money saved:
full price purchases would have totaled: $580 (I'm assuming the last shirt and dress would have been at least $50 originally...)
AFTER sale and additional 25% off??!?!?
$195 at the cash register.

P.S. I may or may not have puffed up, arched my back, and pictured in the dressing room what they all would look like with/would they fit a bump...

Monday, October 22, 2012

Leaves by the Moonlight

I'm going to preface this story by saying, this is SO SO typical of E and I:

We raked and bagged leaves at 8pm last night... in the pitchblack dark...

Because we literally are on the move during all daylight hours, during every day of the week... We joked over two years ago that, FINALLY - now that the wedding is over, we can relax!


Here we are two  years later, and stilling running marathons week to week...
for example:

We got home from a 2-day span of wedding festivities after running around the county picking up our dogs at their respective dog sitters' houses.  We had JUST enough daylight left to leafblow and rake, and as the sun set, we frantically tried to get the TEN BAG'S worth of leaves bagged up...

We literally felt like the walking dead... whiiiiiile vegging out on the couch WATCHING The Walking Dead...
Nothing like catching a bit of zombie brains splattered across the screen to wind down after a long weekend...

*And the 2ww ain't got nothing on the 3WW I have from CD1 to O time... I hate long cycles...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

First ICLW!

Hello to all from ICLW!
Welcome to the Buggy List!

In a nutshell - I went off bcp in May of 2011, went through a few months of no charting, and wonky cycles (14-16 days for a while, no FUN!) had a saline-sonogram in February (all clear), finally wizened up and started charting, and got pregnant the next month...
After a missed mc at 11weeks in May of this year, I decided to take the time that we were advised to TTA and work on a "Buggy List" - things I wanted to do before having a baby/getting pregnant...

While sweatin' it out in hot yoga, and flying a Cessna with my husband (wedding gift redeemed TWO YEARS later...) and starting photography classes - we have been back on the TTC crazy train since July and hope it's our turn soon...


WHAT A WEEKEND.  WHAT A WEDDING!! (I need a vacation before work tomorrow... )

Rehearsal and dinner were Friday night, where I got scolded by the priest for not knowing how to genuflect before miming the reading I would do the next day... I guess no one told him he had a born-and-bred Methodist in the church!
"Hunnie, this is NOT tae-kwon-do!"
"Mr. Priest, I am NOT Catholic!"

Whether the restaurant was BYOB or not, the groomsmen, led by my classy husband, the best man, really kicked off the festivities with shots of Jameson, and from there - let's just say it was aaaall downhill.

Through blood, sweat and tears (yes, literally blood - from a groomsmen - which required lots of gauze, some duct tape and more Jameson): the groom cried as his bride made her entrance, the happy couple emerged from the church through clouds of bubbles, speeches were made, food was eaten, boogies were danced, and they all lived happily ever after through the night.
God bless the prepared and well-equipped wives (lord knows that's not me) who had the foresight to empty out their local pharmacies...

Friday, October 19, 2012

Rain, Rain Go Away...

..Come again when I'm pregnant and getting ready for baby.
Oh, that's not how it goes?

Oh well.

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and think, oh man it's only like, 5 - I get to go back to sleep! and happen to glance at the clock and realize, nope - it's 8:15, time to get up, and its so gross and wet outside...

But it's a half-workday Friday!!

Rehearsal dinner tonight, wedding tomorrow for our close friends (E is best man and is keeping his speech a "secret" - let's just hope that without an editor, all the jokes that he thinks are hilarious, are at least chuckle-worthy...)

All the festivities are over an hour away so we'll be staying with friends tonight, and a hotel after the wedding tomorrow night - which translates into a girl's almost-worst nightmare:
packing TWO NIGHTS worth of formal-wear, hair appliances, makeup tools, razors, heels and undergarments.
A dress for the rehearsal dinner tonight, a dress for the conservative Catholic mass (during which I am performing a reading, so NO SHOULDERS EXPOSED) and a "let-loose-I'm-hot-and-sexy" dress for the reception afterwards.  Don't forget shoes to go with every outfit!  But wait - is it supposed to rain all weekend?? do I need to bring galoshes to wear from car to church to car to hotel to reception?!

I haven't packed yet either, ssshh don't tell E - I'll be mad-dashing to Flight of the Bumblebee, brastraps flying, underwear soaring through the air, heels piling up...

See you all Sunday!

There are FUCKING ASSHATS in the world.
Our joint checking account was hacked (via my debit card) which I discovered this morning when my card stopped working at the gas station and I had to call customer service...
I just went to our online statement and there are THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS spent at Ikea, BedBath and Beyond, Party City, grocery stores - IM SO FUCKING MAD.
Yes, our bank is awesome and we will get all the money back -but to the DOUCHE CANOES who will most likely get away with all their free shit - I REALLY HOPE AND PRAY THAT KARMA'S A BITCH.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Moving down the list

So, I've just added "getting caught up on dental work" onto the Buggy List, as its something that really should be done beFORE getting pregnant...

And being someone with a horribly low level of fluoride, getting caught up most likely means weekly appointments for a month or so...

And a new regimen from the dentist this morning (after he pulled out a loose crown, reposted and recrowned, in under 70 minutes... GO DOC!) :
  • floss daily (duh) (*but NOT the tooth with the crown)
  • brush twice daily (duh again - ok so this ISN'T a new regimen, please know I already do this! lol)
  • regular listerine in the am: 20ml for 30 sec
  • enamel-restoring listerine with fluoride in the pm: 10ml for 1 min
Next up: extraction of my last wisdom tooth in a week (ugh) and replacing some old fillings...
Hopefully they don't ask me EVERY TIME before an X-ray, ARE YOU PREGNANT??
(*Also - since WHEN did dentists start asking for every single medical history detail?? Like if you have herpes?? Not that I checked yes on that one... It just definitely sucked to have to check no under the pregnant box... and the date of LMP being two days ago...)

on the "TMI" front, aka TTCAL - I've officially had the weirdest AF ever:
(precursor - I used to have a 5-day AF, with decent flow for at least the first 3.5-4 days... post-loss its been around 3-4 days of light-med, but steady, flow)
Monday night was very slight spotting
Tuesday, basically only one tampon was needed, and then not even panty-liners...
Wednesday, after there being no flow for almost 24 hours, again only one tampon was needed.
and now, NOTHING - no flow, no spotting, not even tinged CM since last night around 8...

After aaaall the POM juice I drink - that's it?! that's all you've got uterus???
A thought popped up: maybe I'm pregnant and just think I got AF - I can start to see how people may really not realize/think they're pregnant!

And another thought: I know I've read about "the nurse of a friend of my neighbor's husband's aunt" that got negatives for a week (or weeks) and finally found out she was pregnant...

ha.  yea right. 

"If you want an interesting life, you need to be interested in it!"
-FireShaper Hot Yoga

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

starting over...

I hate blogging on CD1.

There's no wit, the snark reserve tank is empty.

But the world goes on...

And As the World Turns... (sorry, my mom's favorite "stories" immediately popped into my head - Beau and Hope anyone?!)

Last night, when I finally had the nerve to break the shitty news to E, his first reaction was - We should probably start looking into getting tested then.

Because in his eyes, we have been TTC since May of 2011, with no success.

When in reality, well - MY reality and my perception based on reading other's experiences with doctors and RE's -
1. I went off bcp in May. 
2. Didn't really begin to ovulate until months later. (January to be exact, and from this I have decided I will NEVER EVER go on hormonal birth control again.  *Unless I have 2-3 kids and decide I am done, but would be ok with a serious "oops/surprise" baby)
3. Got pregnant in February (which we know, "resets" the TTC clock...)
4. Didn't officially try again til July, which only puts us at starting our fourth cycle TTCAL...

I adore that he's willing to volunteer even himself for testing, and that he recognizes that this involves both of us equally. 
But while I'm also nervous and scared that there IS a possibility that we get to that stage of TTC, I was able to calm him down for now, give us a few more cycles (and PLEASE GOD let me be the next one, my last before EDD...)

I think that he believes we've been kind of lacksadaisical (wow spelling??) about the whole process, when should have been taking action...  But I think it helped when I told Eric again - men never listen - that I had already gotten tested to rule out thyroid diseases that run in my family.  And that, when I approached my doctor about the 14-16 day cycles 6 months after coming off bcp, even my ob/gyn looked at the timeframe and our age, and recommended "giving it some more time.")

I just want this to happen already... We have friends getting married this weekend, and while I know it's not how I should see things, to me its another runner next to us in the race...

So - back to basics - Buggy List time.

FireShaper hot yoga tomorrow night.
My online photography class is set to start Nov 5th (about the time, I calculate, I'll be ovulating. woot.)

Amazon needs to refill my depleted stock of OPKs...
And food shopping tonight, with an updated shopping list after the latest additions: more POM juice and green tea....

Monday, October 15, 2012

*insert witty title*

so I wrote this post a few times (at least 6) in my head this morning as I dressed for work (stomping around, throwing clothes everywhere - a good old-fashioned tantrum).

Snark and witty-ness aside, succinctly put - I had a temp drop (.5 degrees) and BFN this morning.

I have whiplash from the yo-yoing I did this weekend...
Yesterday morning was a gorgeous secondary rise, to which I thought - HELL TO THE YEA - PREGGLES!!!!!!!!

and then what I thought was tinged (brown) CM (FUCK!) and I panicked and then tried to console myself, "It's brown! Maybe it's just implantation blood finally making its way out!!"

And while AF still hasn't arrived, I am despondant.  I feel  numb.  I'm SO SICK of this...

*sigh* but here we go, trying to stay positive:

1. I'll be able to get shitty at the wedding this weekend of our really good friend (DH is best man.)
2. I'll be able to use my hot yoga Groupon that expires in like, 2 weeks.
3. It's a STRETCH, but I just realized I miscounted and this was not my last chance - I have ONE MORE CYCLE before my EDD. If CD1 comes today/tomorrow, I'll be testing about 10 days before the dreaded date...
4. ok, AF hasn't technically made an appearance yet... which is also a bad thing - if I'm not KU, I WANT A DRINK TONIGHT!  (I nearly ordered a regular caf coffee this morning as consolation, but the jingle ran through my head, "you're not out til AF shows!")

So here I am drinking crappy decaf coffee that was probably brewed over 24 hours ago, wearing my black underwear and black slacks, hitting the ladies room every hour, on the hour to check and see if AF is here yet...

Oh yea.
Happy freaking Infant & Pregnancy Loss Day.

Friday, October 12, 2012

The New BPF

So I was browsing the cursed FB the other day, and saw this...

No I didn't post a big fat, F*CK YOU TOO in response.  I read, shook my head, and thought - our love, as mothers, is gonna be TEN TIMES what yours is*...earned and growing through the tears, sweat (at EVERY u/s hoping for good news), pain (after learning of BAD news), hope (with every twinge in the 2ww) and utter and complete faith.
*not that one mother is capable of loving more than the next, but I guarantee you all understand what I'm saying...

Mother or not, we all love.  We all deserve love. 

And we all deserve to have a BPF too! 
what is a BPF you ask?

I've recently learned that BPF - not to be confused with a BFP - stands for Bump Photo Friday.


Don't feel left out! I'm making our OWN Photo Friday, called Buff Photo Friday. (*maybe eventually I'll get it to where we're all linked up with an icon or some cool thing - any good graphic designers?
I'll go first!
This is where I get to flaunt my baby-free FLAT stomach. 
(yes, what I wouldn't GIVE to be bloated or bump-tastic - but we can't forget - if you look too far forward, you're gonna miss the here and now!)

So I'm gonna enjoy the flat tummy I have, here and now, because I know one day - I'll look back, with an infant (or two!) in my arms, and say, DAMN I remember those days...
(And if you remember, I DO eat. Alot.  I'm just stretched out on a 5'10" frame... =P)
((one last set of parantheses - perpetual pile of clothes in the corner.  it NEVER GOES AWAY. *sigh*))

So - let your BPF flag fly! (and link in a comment your BPF - can't wait to see them all!)
Even if you're cycling with meds and feel like you're bloated and swollen, post. 
Post because we deserve this too. 
Post because we know that, one day, that belly is gonna grow.
Post because we KNOW love:

Thursday, October 11, 2012

PUPO for $1,000 Alex...

Somebody once made a fabulous point, regarding the whole misery of CD1.

If you think about it, you're actually possibly 1day pregnant with every CD1 - let me explain...

The way "they" count (and I guess when I say they I mean doctors offices and practices and their nurses, so by default all women...) a pregnancy's weeks is that, upon testing at 14DPO and getting a BFP, you're already 4 weeks pregnant.

So the day you ovulate, you are already technically TWO weeks pregnant.  And CD1?? (Ok, for my peeps out there with freakishly long or short cycles, anything BUT the "textbook and typical" 28 days = 14days before ovulation....)
You're technically ONE DAY PREGNANT!

So this month will go two ways - I'm currently "22 days pregnant" and will either continue this countdown (count up?) or will reset the clock in 4 days*...

Regardless, each future CD1, I'm going to sob and toast with my (very full) glass of wine - to being one day pregnant!

(puts a whole new meaning to PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise!)

*oh my god... i can't believe its only four days... i THINK i want to know, and then the terrifying what if's have me thinking, but if it's negative, i don't want to know - let me still be blissfully ignorant and have SOME hope...
 oh lord, dear god and universe and fate and kizmet and karma and WHOEVER else is listening...


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Have a Dream...

"...I have a dream that my four [unborn] children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the level of fertility and hormones, but by the content of their character -"

sorry.... got carried away..


I HAD a dream.  Last night.  Ok I had TWO dreams (very vivid - another freaking symptom I definitely had when pregnant...)

And right now I'm split 50/50 on the idea that dreams come true.

The first 50 belongs to this dream:
I was in a bathroom, a large fancy formal bathroom, and took an HPT.  And set it down and backed way away to wait.  A girl walks into the bathroom (you know, a stranger IRL but in the dream a friend) who knows I had a mc and approachs the HPT.  I screech - noooo!! DON'T READ IT, I dont want to know!
She just chuckles and says something like, "Girl don't freak! Check out these beautiful lines!"
Cue swooning and crying on her shoulder and utter freak-out (in a good way but also full of terror.)
Then in walks E (why my husband would be in the bathroom with two girls, don't ask...)
I try to block his view of the test (I assume so I can tell him in a cute way? Dream Me is full of mysteries. lol)
But E sees and gets excited.  CUE curtain.

Nice pleasant dream that I PRAY TO GOD comes true (minus the random girl, but including the really nice bathroom - wait. Universe if you're listening, nix the bathroom because if that's supposed to be MY bathroom, I'M NOT WAITING until my bathrooms are redone for a BFP!!! YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE?!))

On the flip side, the second 50 belongs to THIS dream (which I had after temping at 7am - yes I go back to sleep for awhole nother hour, aahhh a girl loves her sleep):
There was alot going on in the dream, but the part that I woke up during, and so remember the most, is that I walked into a brownstone style apartment/house, and venture into the first bedroom.  I see E laying against the footboard, naked but strategically covered with sheets - go PG13 rated dreams!  Then my eyes travel up to the headboard and I see the girl he was dating right before we met (more of a friend that he figured, hey let's see if we have a spark. They didn't.  obviously.)
AND THEN, I notice two GUYS in bed with them.  And these aren't IRLstrangers/dreamfriends - these are two kids I knew from highschool!   I said to E something like, "WE ARE SO FREAKING DONE!  WE'RE DONE! I WANT A DIVORCE." CUE wakeup.

VERRRRY bizarre... and like I mentioned, another symptom I get to obsess over...
7DPO.  getting dangerously close to testing time...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

PSA for Parents of babies/young children!

When your childless friends invite you to dinner, do not refuse - TIME AFTER TIME - because your 2month-old has to be put down at 7pm exactly, and in his own bed, rendering you unable to maintain friendships and lives.

When your childlress friends invite you to dinner, and to see their brand new house (ok, 10 month old house), DO NOT tell them, THE DAY OF, that dinner has to be at YOUR house because it's just EASIER for you, and your 2year-old.
When your childless friends decide, FINE - let's just go to their house, DO NOT tell them that they better hurry up and get over there ASAP if they want to see the baby because its getting close to 7...

WE WILL NOT TAKE IT WELL, and will now wish that we never made plans in the first place.

P.S. It's 6dpo and the universe wants to play mind games by giving me the kind of cramps that make any sane TTC brain scream IMPLANTATION!!!!
And if you'll remember, my thoughts on hope aren't exactly Cheerful Charlie:
"...hope is the worst... Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion..."

I don't want this sky high hope, this feeling that THIS cycle, it will work.  
The higher you build up your hopes, the farther up the mountain you get (cheesy I know, go with it here) . . . . the farther you fall...

PLEASE don't let this end in a fall...

Friday, October 5, 2012

Is YOUR Vagina happy?

so, doctor's visit yesterday was pretty uneventful... oh wait, I just remembered - it WASN'T:

first off, I walked out of work a little later than intended so I had to haul ass over to my OB/GYN, and then had to park far from the front door ( annoying while in heels!)
and you know that awkward walk/run/saunter you do when you look up and realize there's another person whose trajectory is going to put you at the building door at the EXACT SAME MOMENT and you either try to speed up to be first, or slow down for them to be first? 
I won.
But it was a couple - and I can pretty much guarantee that when the guy is there for the appointment, its for a pregnancy.  GREAT.

And apparently she took it personal that I decided to take charge and be the first through the door, so she sat in the waiting room staring daggers at me... While I sat, pretending to read and had to listen to the young couple (yea, ANOTHER couple) telling their toddler they brought, how exciting - we're going to see if you're gonna have a little brother! (or SISTER said the mom - so starting a 10 minute back-and-forth of "oh, but I really hope it's a boy/girl!")

So, I get into exam room where a nurse asks me why I'm there, symptoms, etc (for some reason I felt like a college guy with an STD - "It burns a little when I pee...")
When she asks for a urine sample, I'm all, done - I can make a square centimeter target, want me to pee direclty into that beaker?? (she said no and handed me the sample cup...)
*ETA - also, she couldn't freaking believe that I was around CD20 and had just ovulated - GASP - you're NOT a regular 28-day cyce? ARE YOU AN ALIEN?!

Urine looks clear of infection, but she wanted the doctor to do a quick exam anyways (great, I definitely wanted to drop trou on a day when I haven't shaved - ok when I havent shaved for the past TWO days...HEY - BDing is over, a girl deserves a break!)

I nearly shot off the exam table when I hear the nurse say, "um Doc - would you like some gloves??"

After watching him don BOTH gloves, I settled back down, legs splayed in stirrups, and I explain to the doc that I'm sure I'm just being OCD about this because we're trying again and he turns to me and says NO JOKE, "Well in that case we want to make sure you have a happy vagina then!"

I did what any sane, normal human would. 

I said "Don't forget, I also need a happy uterus, ovaries and eggs!"

Thursday, October 4, 2012

By the Skin of our teeth!

we ease into the 2ww... (I think.)

FF is being stingy with CH's (I know, they need 3+ temps in a row that are elevated, blah blah) but I'm pretty confident that I O'd yesterday at some point.  And I know I would have given my left foot (won't say firstborn - ain't giving that up for ANYTHING) for a +OPK a few days ago, but now I want them to be negative again... END SURGE! I can't take any more BD right now!
1 reason why BD needs to end - I think I'm getting a UTI, and it's just faaaah-bulous.  Of course, I'm nearly floating in cranberry juice and its starting to work, so I'm going to be "That Girl" who freaks out and calls the doctor first thing in the morning, and by lunch - symptoms have abated... speaking of appointment, will have to rush the end of this post, gotta leave for said doctor's appointment soon!
2nd reason why - I think DH is getting tired of it too... I know, guys are "never tired of sex!" - and let me say, even when we're falling down, can't speak DRUNK, he has never had "a problem."
but last night, I think it turned into a mental block for both of us... in the end, deposit was made and I've got toes and fingers crossed that the temp keeps rising...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Just when I think they're broken....

... the OPKs give me what I've been asking for!

So of course, during the month that I have aaaall my other ducks in a row (RELIGIOUSLY checking CP and CM daily???) my temperature decides to become a mountain range, and FF decides to give me CH's - SOLID nonetheless, and THREE DAYS AGO. (Ok so I lied - I just went to FF to post my chart, and the CH's are gone.. must have been the nice +OPK I entered this morning...)

And FF is considerate enough to let me know,
"Note: You have recorded a first OPK positive on Cycle Day (CD) 20.
You may ovulate between CD 20 and CD 22."

Gee thanks, like all the EWCM hasn't been a nice clue!
There should be a box you can check on your FF profile that indicates what level of charting you're at:

Just started charting, and wait - you have to take your temperature at the SAME TIME every morning and BEFORE you get up to pee?

Ok, starting to get the hang of it. Temp every morning, check - oh wait - what's CM? YOU'RE JOKING RIGHT?!

alarm at 7am for BBT, check.  Into the bathroom to PIAC for an OPK, check.  Wash hands and check CM, check.  Wait - how come I'm getting dotted crosshairs?! GIVE ME MY SOLID CH'S!

EFF YOU, FF and your "you are now in your fertile window."  EFF YOU for giving, then taking back, and then moving CH's - dotted OR solid!  I don't NEED YOU!
(Ok I do, but only as a graphing app to see my temperature trends...)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

To be or NOT to be... what IS the question!?

more like - To be pre-O or to be in ye olde 2ww... THAT is the question!

I'm THIS CLOSE to crossing over into the 2ww and I am FREAKING EXCITED to be approaching O at CD19:


CP: Open & Soft


Ok, so still technically waiting on the last one - but the second line is DEFINITLY darkening, which given the other indicators - we are MINUTES FROM IMPACT!

And then I start to think of the agony the next two weeks will be...

Where I am now, there's actions I can take that I know (believe?) help TTC such as drinking lots of green tea for some nice fertile mucus (the "M" word as my husband calls it) to catch those swimmers.  Such as drinking lots of POM juice to help thicken my uterus lining and make a nice cushy bed.  Such as eating pineapple core right after ovulating to help the implantation into said cushy bed. 

After you chow down in that nasty, chewy core - there's nothing else that can be done... (besides sit on the couch like an invalid, according to my husband...) You know you've done everything you can do help those swimmer reach that egg, and to help that *hopefully fertilized* egg implant, and you sit and agonize over every pinch and cramp and sore boob (probably because you manhandle them so much to SEE If they're sore in the first place!)
so The Question is:

better to be Waiting to O or Waiting to KNOW?!

Monday, October 1, 2012

And she's making her way down the stretch!

WE HAVE STRETCHY EWCM HERE!!!! For the FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN ABLE TO SEE!!! so while I may be home sick (legitimatly this time too!) I've already informed the hubs, IT'S OOOOON TONIGHT!!