Thursday, August 16, 2012

Hope & Flower Headbands

I can't claim credit for this and I can't remember where I read it - but it stuck like hell:

Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope - but hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find the heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

A BFFN* yesterday morning left me in a serious funk - the kind where you feel you could fall apart and into hysterics at the drop of a pee stick.
*Yes, I know - not in the glossaryy. Let me assist here: BIG FAT FUCKING NEGATIVE.
The funk lasted for alot of the morning - but when I went to the bathroom, and examined myself in the mirror above the sink, I remembered - I was wearing my flower headband.
This tiny little metal frame with a tiny little wire mesh flower.  And that flower was like, "dude - don't you remember?
You're BAD ASS.  Nothing can conquer you - you're wearing a metal flower, for godsakes!"
And just like that - funkiness slowly backed down and away, all "Didn't meant to step on your toes - my utmost apologies!"

But now my stupid body's like, "let's REALLY try to mess with her and throw every symptom at her that we can!"

Aside from pinchy implantation-ish cramps around 5-6DPO, there's not a TON that make me think PREGNANT! PREGNANT!

Except: the utter exhaustion and fatigue smacked me in the face last night.  After a good, or at least TYPICAL, night's sleep, I walked in from work at 6:15, made dinner, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

And THEN: this morning's temperature? at 12DPO? (and JUST LIKE the bfp cycle?!)

It went up again.

And a typical not-pregnant post-ovulation trend?!

"hey nice chart - looks pretty Wonky!"

You can see where this all starts to mess with a girl's head...

I can remember right after BFF's CP (enough acronym's for you? wait there's more...)
The next month, her period was at least a week late but she was terrified to test.
I even had some digi. HPT's for her to use, but she would NOT touch them because they were the same brand that gave her positives for her CP. (I still don't understand this rationalism - the TEST caused your CP?)

Anyways - I can understand that Not-Wanting-To-Test thing.  It keeps hope alive for a little bit longer.  I will look back at this moment of hope from one of two places: 

either sobbing, clutching (and spilling) a glass of Pinot - hell, of Jack Daniels!
Or sobbing, clutching a +HPT.

But right now, at exactly 3 months from my d&c, there's hope... Worthless stinking, heart-breaking HOPE.
 Moments Captured 2012 copyright

1 comment:

  1. It is amazing how you put into words a feeling that is so difficult to describe. The hope, and hope lost, is crushing yet so hard for people to grasp.

    FX for your BFP this cycle! I REALLY hope this is it :)