It's been four weeks, and just when I think I'm gonna be able to move forward and finish grieving, something else just kicks me back down that slippery slope a little more...
The prayer letter from uncle yesterday - so well meant, so well appreciated, so beautifully worded. And it so made me sit in my car and sob, then try to fight back tears so I would not be splotchy, blotchy and tear-streaked when I returned to work... (not too pretty a crier.)
Yea, and I just tried three separate times to re-type the letter here - I keep tearing up and that can't happen - I'm sitting at my desk at work, where the owner walks by every 30 minutes or so... Will post tonight, with glass of wine in hand, probably sobbing at the home computer.
So I'm going with anger right now. *insert fist shaking*
I am MOTHER F*CKING ANGRY.
I'm angry that my BFF just got out of her 12w NT scan, and text my husband to say everything went well and that she's due sometime around Christmas. **slips aaaall the way back down the damn slope**
I'm angry that, for some F*CKING STUPID REASON, that can't be me.
I'm angry that upon reading the text, my heart started pounding, my stomach dropped, and I felt no happiness for her. WTF is wrong with me?!
I'm angry that I can't stop counting weeks - 16 this Friday - for how far long I'd be.
I'm ANGRY that I'm part of less than 3 god-damn-percent of women who have a miscarriage after seeing a healthy h/b.
I'm angry that I'll never have that naive happy-pregnancy feeling ever again. I know of too much that can go wrong. EVEN IF THE ODDS ARE IT WON'T!
I'm angry that above-mentioned pregnant BFF has victimized herself because I've only reached out to her once since my miscarriage - GEESUS forgive me, BFF, for not being a better friend to you in YOUR TIME OF MOTHER F*CKING NEED!!!
I'm so angry that this is all I can feel right now. I'm utterly exhausted from it.
Now's a great time for kickboxing - with targets!! or at least punching bags!
of course, nothing lately is going my way apparently - no kickboxing classes today.
I'll be joining the senior citizen ladies in aqua cardio. Swim caps required.
Fantastic look for when you're angry:
You are not the only one that feels angry and cheated because of a loss. Don't feel bad about being angry and bitter. I can only assume that it will taper off with time. However, it doesn't help that your friend who wasn't supportive of your loss is going on happy as always with her pregnancy. Once again I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that your time will come.
ReplyDeleteI hope your work out went well :)