Tired of Treading...

That’s all I feel like I’m doing right now – just barely treading enough to keep my mouth and nose above water.

At times when I think I can’t keep going, I find the will and strength somewhere.

And just when I think I can do it, I start to go under.

Here’s the whole ding DANG story…

I have an assistant who is about my age, married 4 years, but told me she was putting baby ideas on hold to take time out and get healthy (she’s overweight and diabetic).

Last week or so, we were having a random conversation about summer allergies and summer colds and she says how much it would suck to be all stuffy and congested in the summer.

And follows it up with “The only thing worse than that is being fat and pregnant during a really hot summer! Ugh!”

I know you remember that half smile/half “I have to poop” face – just add an awkward attempt at an expected response, maybe a chuckle?

How about a little foreshadowing?  (I’ve always thought myself a good story teller! You’ve gotta have all the elements!)

A day or so later, she asks me if strenuous work outs can delay your period.  *sigh*

So NATURALLY I’ve barely even sat down and opened my cup of coffee and breakfast this morning when she says:

 “Oh, yea so I AM pregnant…” all smiley and stupid while my heart dropped like a ROCK and I played the “Oh what a surprise, how FAAAAH-bulous!” part – an award-winning performance here people.

Then I decided to channel the movie Horrible Bosses and I made her go downstairs to copy a whole sh*t ton of stuff for that pesky lawsuit.  Felt good, and it got her out of my office so I could cry, and then the sinking feeling VERY quickly crept back.

Confessions, Taxi-Cab on late-night HBO style:  She’s only 4-5 weeks (period’s about a week late) and I tried to make myself feel better by saying, well odds are decent that something will happen in the next few weeks, or maybe that it’s a blighted ovum.

Yea, I know.  I’m a horrible person. 

My blog, my honest-to-god thoughts and feelings – no  apologies and no bull-sh*t.

Like I told the pregnant BFF – I’m not angry AT them, and especially this girl - who had no idea about my loss.  But I’m so f*cking furious in general .

This girl doesn’t even really want to be pregnant right now.  She’s all “well everyone’s happy*, we’ll just have to accept it and deal with it.”

You’re gonna have to f*cking DEAL WITH IT?!?  A pregnancy is not supposed to be DEALT WITH. 

*and by everyone, she means EVERYONE.  She’s already told her whole family and the entire facility we work at.  It’s SO AWESOME that people keep walking into my office this morning saying “So, did you hear the good news?!  That means you’re next!”

Is it out of line to hang a sign that says “f*ck off today” ??

But my awesome boss, who knows my whole mc story, calls and says, "Are you ok?" I told her I am better than I was first thing this morning... and I said, "Can we go out for lunch?"

She said, of COURSE!

So we're going out for lunch, and I asked, "Can this be an alcoholic lunch?"

Abso-f*cking-LUTELY!

I <3 my boss...

****

On the doggy front, I’ve pulled the miscarriage card on E.  I emailed him and said, “Listen. M just told me she’s pregnant and right now, I need to keep going with this adoption process for Molly, even if that logic doesn’t make sense to you.”

So I’ll be taking a phone interview tonight during which I’ll be able to ask all my questions, as well as remind them E and I are still discussing foster to adoption, or just straight adoption, etc.

****

And today is officially the first day of summer.  It was boiling already at 8:30 this morning (and for NJ, that’s HOT).  The guy at Dunkin looked at me funny when I said “No, hot coffee – not iced.”

Hot coffee because we've got GOOOOD air conditioning at work! (Sincere apologies for anyone lacking the AC at work, I hope it doesn’t seem I’m rubbing it in your face…) =P

So let’s hear it for the First Day of Summer, and the third day of Project 365!