Saturday, November 3, 2012

in the numbers

I'm a numbers person, through and through... While I can't do (quick) basic math in my head (anyone remember the hand trick for your 9x times tables?!) I just get numbers.

I get it when they say there is still over 1 million customers without power, and 119 houses burnt to the ground in BreezyPoint (Queens, NY), and estimates of $50billion plus in damages from Sandy...

But these numbers confound me...

170 OPKs since Nov 2011
250+ tampons and counting since May 2011 (first official cycle off BCP)
17 HPTs since September 2011
2 U/S
1 saline sono.
1 Positive HPT
1 Pregnancy
1 miscarriage
0 babies

I know I don't have it "bad" - there are women that can add to their "score" multiple rounds of medications, needle jabs, beta tests, and even more miscarriages - I don't lose sight that their pain is something I can't claim to understand.

But I also know there are women (like an old/former BFF) who's tally's don't include a single OPK, have under 30 tampons, and a single HPT, with a big fat sum of 1 baby.

And you know...if given the option of "waking up" right now, say out of a coma/bad dream, not remembering the past months since The Appointment at 11w, and miraculously be where I WOULD have been had I not miscarried (over 36w) - I don't think I would want to. **But hey - If you ask me that after all those tally's have doubled - I believe I would take it in heartbeat...

Right now, for me a big part of it is BEING pregnant - watching and feeling my belly grow, watching baby grow on screen, getting to the u/s where they can't even fit the whole baby on screen, they can only zoom in on certain body parts... feeling movement and kicks from inside...

I know that the process to a baby might not (but please god I hope it does) entail actual carrying a child - there are shit sticks getting handed out out there, I know.

But please let me be able to add, to that stupid tally above, the number 2 next to pregnancy, and have a nice summation at the end = 1 baby...

p.s. I think I'm officially in the 2ww, at about 2DPO - but I don't have much hope... yea, our timing was pretty decent (O and O-2) but I think I have a YI now (symptoms aren't even close to STRONG enough to cause discomfort, but I will be calling DR on Monday morning)
anyone know if that has any impact on this whole deal?

FX that the cycle during which I feel the least hope will lead to BFP, like what happened to my HOT MAMA Wease @ MoreSalt!!! (CONGRATS AGAIN LADY!!)


  1. You have such an excellent way of putting things too. You're right, those numbers just DON'T make sense and they're not fair. I feel like stomping my feet in frustration that we aren't were we should have been if everything went the way it was supposed to. But here's hoping that this all turns around for you this cycle. My fingers are insanely crossed for you during this 2WW. It only takes one time to get pregnant (they taught us this in HS remember!?) and you guys had good timing.

  2. The whole thing sucks. It is mind boggling to think about. All this work and no pay out and yet some people do nothing and get lucky every time. It's hard to swallow and so easy to let it get you down. Keep holding onto hope. FX that your time is coming soon!