Good girls finish last...

I was cruising F.acebook today at lunch - dirty soul-sucking site.  UGH

And I spotted the dreaded picture - the coworker (who says she doesn't even WANT to be pregnant!) blasted the shit out of her positive HPTs.  All over Facebook.  At 5weeks pregnant.

And just you watch - it'll be this little twat (again - my blog, my thoughts - no bullshit) who coasts through everything, passing each milestone with ease.  And never has to go back and "un-tell" aaaaall those people she blasted it to the day she got two little pink lines.

WHAT the FUCK universe.

Is it too much to ask for her to get just  a little egg on her face? (no pun intended...)  A little "false alarm?"

And I'm only ok asking for this because she's said a million times how she would dread to be pregnant right now.  Yea yea, maybe that's not really true - and she and her husband are thrilled to be expecting.

Dude - I'm only going by what she tells me.  And she tells me that this was so unplanned and that they'll just have TO DEAL WITH IT.


I know your next question - no, she doesn't know about my loss.  And so all I wanna do is get all in her face, Bad Girls style, and set her straight - you WEREN'T the first pregnancy in this office, you won't be the last, and you sure as hell aren't as special as you think.

I think the worst part - the horrible legacy this stupid miscarriage has left - is that I CANNOT find happiness, anywhere inside of me, for anyone else right now.  I hate that this has been taken from me.  My BFF is pregnant, somewhat safely into the second trimester and all I can think and focus on is what was taken from me.  She is almost exactly three weeks behind where I should be right now.  It is a constant reminder of what I lost.  Instead of finding myself healing, each milestone she passes makes my heart break more and more.  

I get to a point sometimes where I think, ok - this is not the end of the world.  We can try again, and basically do it now!  We could get pregnant again any day, and chances are - everything will fine.

Yea.  Odds were in our favor the first time too.

Fuck the percentages.  Numbers mean nothing to me now.  You tell me that I have 97% chance of having a successful pregnancy, and I tell you:

I can't say if - but WHEN we get pregnant again, and as we follow each vegetable and fruit to the next week, I will freak out and panic every minute of every day of every month.   I have to believe it will happen, and have complete and utter faith.

(Thanks Kristy)

This definitely changes you to where you sometimes can't even recognize yourself.  There's thoughts and emotions you never thought would be yours. You ignore the "rules" and know that ANYTHING can happen, because it already has.  But you keep moving forward.  Because what greater prize is there at the end of this kind of struggle?

Buggy List Progress!!

Today I got one more BIG item checked off on The List!

BIG BAD roller coasters?    CHECK - times like, 8!

E and I played hooky from work today to go to Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ.

It was a GORGEOUS day - and cautious adults we are, we made sure to put on sunblock before starting the day so no one is sun burned.

There was like, noooo one there - so we coasted right on to the first ride:

NITRO

We made sure to sit in the FIRST CAR (we're bad ass like that) so we had that nice DANGLE over the first drop, while waiting for the rest of the cars to catch up...

In fact, we got either the first or second cars for all the rest of the BIG DADDIES...

And then we broke for lunch - where I got a kids meal - best sh*t ever! check out the cool ass lunch box that E made me give up to some kid (sigh):

And then some adult partying as well:

So I consider all these to be part of P365. 

It's been a long day!

Regular blogging, blog reading, and commenting to resume tomorrow morning!

Double Down!

I've read about a number of ladies who chased their numbers (beta, progesterone) down after a loss.  I was curious, and hadn't yet asked, why the doctor didn't seemed concerned at my first post d&c appointment to check on these things.

So I took a HPT this morning.

The first and ONLY TIME I will ever hope that damn thing is negative...

And when E asks me "Are you doing your thingies?!" 

No translation needed - I know he's talking about OPKs.

My new thing (and by new I mean the last two regular cycles) has been to O around CD20.  So I'm just not leaving anything to chance by starting these things on CD11.  It would be the one cycle that I ovulate way early that I don't start OPKs until CD17 or so...

It's been almost FOUR MONTHS since I've PIAC for anything.  So yesterday morning when I started morning OPKs - I got the cup ready, opened the test and got the strip ready.

And proceeded to just pee normal, sans cup.

You know your keigels are in good shape when you can stop mid-stream during your FMU. 

****

BUGGY LIST PROGRESS!!

Tomorrow, E and I are finally playing hooky and going to SIX FLAGS!  Nothing but the BIGGEST AND BADDEST coasters!  And it's supposed to be 90 and sunny tomorrow - woot woot!!*

*So if you know me IRL, cough cough I dont feel good!!

Also - E's 30th birthday is this July and eeeeven though he said once he would never want a surprise party, he's getting one.  So K, my SIL and I are having fun planning it all.

MUAH-HA-HA!!!

*****

P365.D10

"Forget Double Down - I'm ALL IN!"

Kudos to a Kardashian!

BUT JUST THIS ONCE!! it's your freebie, Kardashian Klan.  I otherwise think anything you ever do is ONLY with your career in mind (hello 72-day marriage??)

Understand - I pay so little attention to most things "reality" - unless my boss gets free magazines and gives them to me.  Let's face it, a 67 year old man finds NOTHING of interest in OK Magazine...

This week's has a quick one-page article featuring Khloe and Lamar - and their *gasp* infertility!

All sarcasm aside - I was really impressed to see this for multiple reasons, the first being that for TWO YEARS she's completely lied and said they weren't really "TRYING" but just that she was excited be a mommy.

Ok, here's my stance on infertility amongst celebrities and all their twins at 40+ years old...

I hate the fact that they portray pregnancy as something easy to achieve.  From Britney Spears' little sister getting accidentally knocked up (Bristol Palin anyone?!) to Marcia Gay Harden having twins at 45 - it's either an oops, that was so easy, or look at me - 45 and still so easy!

Yes, there were probably (almost DEFINITELY) difficulties conceiving for MGH in her mid-forties.  I'm sure she's so grateful to have the twins, and I'm not saying celebrities should be forced to reveal that much of their personal life. (They already get caught in their skivvies ducking out for a gallon of milk at 6am, sans makeup or hair brushed!!)

But MGH - and Jane Seymour (Dr. Quinn) twins at 44, and Beverly D'Angelo (Ellen Griswold) twins at 49, and Geena Davis - twins at 48! I suspect they all had the help of IVF.  And again, I'm glad they found success and have beautiful children (everyone except J-Lo... they were kinda funky looking as babies).

But they're causing two things to happen:
The first is that women stay wholly uneducated in regards to the TTC process :
YES, there's only a 24-36hr window during which you can get knocked up.  YES, I know you think your period's "late" but it could be you ovulated at a different time than "normal."  NO, you do NOT need to do a kung-fu headstand after sex to get the swimmers "up there!"

 FACE PALM

The second is that it seems to validate people's feelings that infertility and miscarriage and assistance such as IVF are so TABOO!

I didn't realize - I had unknowingly joined a secret club after my mc!  1 out of every 4 or so women I know told me they had very similar experiences as me.
Yea, I know it would definitely be awkward to introduce people at a BBQ - "Hey, this is my husband E - he's a firefighter. I'm K, I had a miscarriage at 12w in May.  And are these your kids?!"

But why is it all considered so socially unacceptable to talk about??

So KUDOS - to Bethenny Frenkel for "coming out" about her miscarriage.
This shit happens - to more women than you'd think.  There is incredible support amongst women who have already experienced loss - but what about support you could receive from friends who may not even know of your loss?? So mad props Skinny Girl!

and KUDOS to Khloe (though it certainly took her long enough and I have to say I'm in no way surprised) for coming out and admitting she and Lamar are having trouble TTC and are starting IVF.   I don't think this is something to feel ASHAMED about!  Infertility is something 1 in 8 couples suffers from - but it's not some contagious DISEASE.  It shouldn't be so taboo anymore...

P365 Day9 - PROPS for the ladies from my niece!

I hate Mondays...

Especially when I overleep AGAIN, and from the moment I walk in the door at work, no less than 3 people tell me in a span of 30 seconds that the internet is down. 

(Guess who wishes she'd never admitted she knows a little suttin about computers!)

*sigh*

Another M-F blogger this weekend, so I'll have to triple up with Project 365 today!

Saturday was supposed to be a bridal shower an hour away - it ended up getting CANCELLED because the bride had/has a HORRIBLE infection from a bad dental filling and had to be admitted overnight to a hospital for IV penicillin!  (She's home as of last night, and resting - all good news... lesson to take away - DONT MESS AROUND when it comes to your mouth/teeth!)

So my Saturday completely cleared up, only to be immediately filled with helping the in-laws move into their new house (which is, of COURSE, alot closer to us than their old house. at least it's not just 3 blocks! lol)

When E and I finally got home, neither of us felt like cooking... Ok so HE didn't feel like cooking - I NEVER feel like cooking.  So we went to an awesome BYOB place near us for dinner - at 10pm.  We were home and asleep by 11:30 - I know, party animals on a hot Saturday night!

The recent HOT-AS-HELL weather broke and Sunday was absolutley gorgeous - perfect for a lunch date with some girlfriends!  Outdoor dining, yummy frozen drinks and FRIED PICKLES - a tantalizing trifecta! =P

Last night we had dinner at E's cousin's house - the couple that we're really close with, and she and I always joke that we would have been friends even if I hadn't married her cousin - we would have met in SOME bar SOMEwhere.  (This is the friend that last week said, "Just tell me to shut my pie hole if I'm talking too much about the baby!") I seriously <3 her.

Speaking of said baby - her 2 month old is so FREAKING CUTE!! I have never been jealous of her pregnancy (she got pregnant a few months after we started TTC) and was never envious of her baby - just all around genuine happiness, which I'm grateful for.

And because of that, I had a great time with them last night - I held Baby B for hours, easily quieted him when he started to fuss, and got him to smile SO MUCH! It was so cool when J told me that he NEVER calms down so quickly or smiles that like except for her and one other person. 

Just call me the baby whisperer.



We also sat down, just us gals, with some of their HOMEMADE Merlot - SO YUMMY!

P365 (skipped) Day 6

 Honeymoon Italy pictures - but wine is wine! =)

And she started asking me about the mmc and TTC again and was like, "Let me know if you don't want to talk about it, I don't want to  upset you - but I don't want you to think I'm not interested and care about it and you!"

I never once thought she wasn't concerned, but it's still nice to  have friends ask and then want to talk about it all. 

So I told her - I considered us officially TTC again. 

I have seen and heard so many different answers to the "How long do we wait" question.  My doctor recommended waiting "1-2 normal cycles."

Well.  Last month, I ovulated around the same day as the previous cycle (CD20) and AF came 12 days later - pretty normal to me. 

I also think TTC again will help mentally and emotionally.  Limbo is hell to be stuck in...

And since I've got slightly longer cycles, I'm using my nice long follicular phase to (between AF and O) PUMP *clap* IT UP!

My uterus lining that is. 

POM juice and OPK's and green tea, oh my!

P365 (skipped) Day 7

It's BabyDance time!

*insert HammerTime jig here*

So to come full circle, I overslept this morning.  The internet's down.  Lunch at work, though free, sucks today.  And it's rainy and gross out, perfect weather to be sitting at home, curled up with a book (or Nook!)

BUT - we're back in the sack!

And without any appropriate Gettin Busy pictures:     P365-Day 8

Hey, I know it's a Blue Whale or whatever, but for today?

Pretend it's a SPERM WHALE!

GET IT?? 

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

Jammin' with one of the Marley's here at work (Ziggy, Bob - I can't remember lol)

Quick carefree Friday blog entry - DON'T WORRY.

Be Happy!!

Even Rocco knows how to chillax!!

Thankful Thursdays

I am THANKFUL - that my husband and I are healthy, and have a healthy and happy relationship.

I am THANKFUL - that we have a great dog (even though he tends to eat dirty underwear *GAG*) and that we'll have expanded our family soon with another one (even if it isn't Molly. ARGH)

I am THANKFUL - that I have a good and secure job.

I am THANKFUL - that we own our two cars and only have a mortgage to worry about.

I am THANKFUL - that we can afford to have a mortgage.

I am THANKFUL - for fabulously loving family and friends and the close relationships I have.

Mostly for this post,
I am THANKFUL - SO VERY THANKFUL - for the friendships that have come out of this craptastic experience.  They are my silver lining.  They keep me sane when I have to deal with unplanned and unwanted pregnancy announcements at work.  They GET me and what I've gone through.  They understand and sympathize and EMPATHIZE.  They're my PEOPLE.  (like, the Grey's Anatomy kind of People - not like, "Let My People Go" kind of people...)

Day #4 of Project 365, Thank You flowers:

© 2012 Moments Captured

© 2012 Moments Captured

Tired of Treading...

That’s all I feel like I’m doing right now – just barely treading enough to keep my mouth and nose above water.

At times when I think I can’t keep going, I find the will and strength somewhere.

And just when I think I can do it, I start to go under.

Here’s the whole ding DANG story…

I have an assistant who is about my age, married 4 years, but told me she was putting baby ideas on hold to take time out and get healthy (she’s overweight and diabetic).

Last week or so, we were having a random conversation about summer allergies and summer colds and she says how much it would suck to be all stuffy and congested in the summer.

And follows it up with “The only thing worse than that is being fat and pregnant during a really hot summer! Ugh!”

I know you remember that half smile/half “I have to poop” face – just add an awkward attempt at an expected response, maybe a chuckle?

How about a little foreshadowing?  (I’ve always thought myself a good story teller! You’ve gotta have all the elements!)

A day or so later, she asks me if strenuous work outs can delay your period.  *sigh*

So NATURALLY I’ve barely even sat down and opened my cup of coffee and breakfast this morning when she says:

 “Oh, yea so I AM pregnant…” all smiley and stupid while my heart dropped like a ROCK and I played the “Oh what a surprise, how FAAAAH-bulous!” part – an award-winning performance here people.

Then I decided to channel the movie Horrible Bosses and I made her go downstairs to copy a whole sh*t ton of stuff for that pesky lawsuit.  Felt good, and it got her out of my office so I could cry, and then the sinking feeling VERY quickly crept back.

Confessions, Taxi-Cab on late-night HBO style:  She’s only 4-5 weeks (period’s about a week late) and I tried to make myself feel better by saying, well odds are decent that something will happen in the next few weeks, or maybe that it’s a blighted ovum.

Yea, I know.  I’m a horrible person. 

My blog, my honest-to-god thoughts and feelings – no  apologies and no bull-sh*t.

Like I told the pregnant BFF – I’m not angry AT them, and especially this girl - who had no idea about my loss.  But I’m so f*cking furious in general .

This girl doesn’t even really want to be pregnant right now.  She’s all “well everyone’s happy*, we’ll just have to accept it and deal with it.”

You’re gonna have to f*cking DEAL WITH IT?!?  A pregnancy is not supposed to be DEALT WITH. 

*and by everyone, she means EVERYONE.  She’s already told her whole family and the entire facility we work at.  It’s SO AWESOME that people keep walking into my office this morning saying “So, did you hear the good news?!  That means you’re next!”

Is it out of line to hang a sign that says “f*ck off today” ??

But my awesome boss, who knows my whole mc story, calls and says, "Are you ok?" I told her I am better than I was first thing this morning... and I said, "Can we go out for lunch?"

She said, of COURSE!

So we're going out for lunch, and I asked, "Can this be an alcoholic lunch?"

Abso-f*cking-LUTELY!

I <3 my boss...

****

On the doggy front, I’ve pulled the miscarriage card on E.  I emailed him and said, “Listen. M just told me she’s pregnant and right now, I need to keep going with this adoption process for Molly, even if that logic doesn’t make sense to you.”

So I’ll be taking a phone interview tonight during which I’ll be able to ask all my questions, as well as remind them E and I are still discussing foster to adoption, or just straight adoption, etc.

****

And today is officially the first day of summer.  It was boiling already at 8:30 this morning (and for NJ, that’s HOT).  The guy at Dunkin looked at me funny when I said “No, hot coffee – not iced.”

Hot coffee because we've got GOOOOD air conditioning at work! (Sincere apologies for anyone lacking the AC at work, I hope it doesn’t seem I’m rubbing it in your face…) =P

So let’s hear it for the First Day of Summer, and the third day of Project 365!



Finally a chance to breathe...

It feels like the past couple weeks have been just ON THE GO.  I feel like we've been non-stop running since we started keeping as busy as humanly possible the day after The Appointment (you KNOW what appointment I'm talking about...)

This week is no different! Yesterday was aqua cardio (love the little old ladies, they're so cute in their social hour discussing their whiny grandkids and fabulous baked beans recipes) followed by bridal shower gift shopping.  For a shower in 4 days.

Procrastinate much?

But I nailed the gifts, if I do say so myself.  They're all dessert theme - from their cake platter to their 25-piece dessert serving set to a Just Desserts cookbook.  I am the BEST gift buyer, EVAAHHHH!!!

Anywanys - work's all of a sudden CHAOS as well due to a lovely law suit that's required us to now provide copies of everything this company has EVER DONE in the last 7 years.  Guess who gets to organize all THAT.  And the judge seems to not care how long it takes...

Me:  Yea, its gonna take 3 months to pull this together, and that's with someone working on it 40 hours a week, which we can't afford the staff for that right now.

Judge: Yea, that's great.  I still want it in a few weeks.

Me:

So long work day today followed by running home to pick up the dog and running back to my in-laws just-purchased house to help paint the last two rooms of four that we've done.   (I might as well just surgically attach paintbrushes to my hands at this point...)



In doggy news, the foster organization received "glowing" comments from my two referrals (carefully vetted friends with only good things to say).  It seems they're ready to go!

Meanwhile, E is back pedaling on this whole thing... He doesn't understand why we can't just walk into a shelter near us and pick one out that we've gotten to meet, that it'd be so much easier.

Me?  I am ready and willing to work and fight for this dog, for something I want dearly and already love.

If we shied away from doing things because they seemed too hard, or there was an "easy way out," I don't think we'd ever get pregnant again.

I can tell you, after feeling like you've failed, it is hard to get back in that saddle.  But I am also ready to face this fight head on.   We're on CD4(ish) and I'm fully stocked and armed with OPKs, HPTs, BBTs and BYOBs - wait. Wrong acronym.

Although I DO believe that WILL help with conception!

She must have been drunk!!!

So keep your fingers crossed that I can convince Eric that Molly is meant to be OUR dog, and that we don't get blisters getting back in that saddle!

I mean figurative blisters...

Not literal.  That's uh-LOT of tango-ing!!!

In honor of Molly, I leave you with Day #2 of Project 365!

Rocco, the coolest dog EVAH!

Project 365

Project 365:

Official Buggy Item #4.  (I think it's #4... apologies for lack of continuity with the Buggy Items... lol)

For the next year, I'm picking up a popular blog trend, and I WILL post one picture a day.  (No, not those weird pictures I pull from google images that are somewhat appropriate for the blog entry...)

Even if I'm tired, or it's a picture I took a few days prior - I am making this commitment.  To myself and my photography.  I LOVE taking pictures.  And each time I pick up my camera, I remember WHY I love it.

I really want to start picking up my camera more often.
 So, Project 365.

All pictures, all mine.

Sometimes they will be appropriate to what I have to say.  Sometimes they'll be SO random, but SO PRETTY!

(And no, that's not the first picture...)

After a rough night this past Saturday (and rough morning on Sunday), I spent alot of the next day on my front lawn, seated Indian-style, staring at the front of my house... (through a view finder, of course.)

NOT that weird artsy guy.  You know, from American Beauty?

(Not THE picture either.)

(You'll know it when you see it.)

When spring was around the corner, I went out and bought a "butterfly garden."  It was some kind of weird paper mat, with seeds sealed in between layers, that you were supposed to plant in your garden to attract butterflies.  So guess where the butterflies were Sunday afternoon?

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE.  *sigh* 

money well wasted...

Anyways, they were white - they were pretty, and there was two of them!  Being the aspiring photographer I am, I ran inside and grabbed my lovely camera that E bought me as a wedding gift.  (He seriously wondered if it was the best decision when we came home from our honeymoon with over FOUR THOUSAND PICTURES...)

I just kept snapping as the butterflies kept fluttering around.  I had no idea if the shots came out or not until, hours later, I hooked up the memory card reader to the computer.

I almost felt like I did when I used my FIRST camera at 12 years old, and had to wait for pictures to be developed at a pharmacy! Yea, almost. 

Some came good, some came not so clear, and some - perfection:

© 2012 Moments Captured

And because I love you all, you get a second shot, on this first day of Project 365!

 © 2012 Moments Captured

Dark side of the Moon

I think that's a Pink Floyd album...

Heads up, I'm in a weird place tonight.

(I guess first of all, it's technically REAAALLLY early morning.)

I can't sleep.

The previously mentioned BFF (pregnant and due 3 weeks after my former EDD and a slight twat about mc) is still not showing, despite her claims to have a bump.

Bitch alert - she was "bumpy" way before she was pregnant.

(Yes,  I'm bitter and b*tchy and yes, this will be THAT type of post.  You've been warned.)

Anyways, E and I  headed to his old firehouse tonight (where BFF's husband is also a fireman) for a 5-year anniversary party.

Not too many people, maybe 20 or so.

BFF did well with a request I'd given her earlier this week - absolutely no baby talk.

Then the other shmucks started drifting by with their congratulations and sh*t.

Cold shoulder #1.

Then a few minutes later, a younger fire "woman" giggles and blurts out" aw, I knew first!!" and mimed belly rubbing motions to BFF.

Cold shoulder #2.

Then a few minutes later, E - MY HUSBAND - was overheard talking to BFF about her baby names.

Cold shoulder #3.

Shall I continue?

Even the woman I was talking to, a new girlfriend of one of the firemen. was in on it.  She mentioned that she went to hand BFF a shot, and BFF said "oh no I'm pregnant" and she (newgirl) was all apologetic, and then asked me how far along BFF was.

I couldn't escape it.

I've been up for the past hour, ironing my tears into curtains and placemats.  (Again, it's currently 3:20 am, and I'll always look at the guest bedroom curtains and remember this night...)

I don't foresee sleep in the near future, either.

No matter how far I try to run, or how loud I play the music, or how much I try to ignore the chit-chat, I can't ever escape it all.

It was supposed to be at least the both of us being congratulated.  People were supposed to chuckle and assume it was all planned, two best friends being pregnant together. 
(No planning was involved in the coincidental close BFPs.  If my ORIGINAL PLAN had succeeded, I'd have given birth back in March....)

Numbness has started to eventually take over, for tonight.  That probably means I'll end up turning the TV on to old Hawaii 5-0 reruns, and gaze at the TV without really seeing anything...

*After note - maybe I'll just pick a few KICK ASS SONGS for now, and just cocoon myself into blankets next to the computer, listening to Colorblind, which just came onto Pandora...

regular programming to resume soon...

Repeat offender...

So even though I'm doubling up on Buggy Items I've already done once, I'm still counting them as more checked off!!

Hot yoga last night was awesome, as always.  And by always, I mean the first time I went and this time.

Had to skip a few poses that weren't too kosher for an injured tendon...

No bueno for a thigh/groin tendon injury!

Same cool yoga instructor, same cool young crowd (bit of whiplash from the granny-populated aqua cardio!)

Same cool words coming from said yoga instructor:

"You are your own healer."

"No one else can do this for you."

No, it didn't make me feel alone in this struggle.  It made me feel empowered. 

It made me realize that while NOTHING ELSE is really in my control, this at least is.

Every week I feel so refreshed walking out of there - not just sweating out all that crap and toxins, but cleaning out my mind, too.

So I was all well and ready to attack sushi and cocktails. 

With a friend who has a 1.5 month old who dominates her every waking minute and spoken word (and who can blame her??)

My Muffin* was there too, all the way from NYC!  And apperently, we picked a good night to hit up this joint - it was...

$6 Martinis made it VERRRRY easy to fulfill another Buggy Item - new martinis I've never tried!

I acknowledge, it was a very risky decision, and I was very unsure if it would payoff - a Strawberry & BASIL Martini.

OH.. EM... GEE.  It was soooo good, I decided to make it my second "new" martini too, and just pretended I had something else to drink first...

Mommy friend pulled me aside as we were leaving, and apologized for only being able to talk about her newborn baby (which of course, wasn't even true! We had great conversation all night long!)

But I thought it was very sensitive of her, and told her I'd definitely feel comfortable telling her to shut her pie hole if it ever got on my nerves.

We're good like that.

**In other news!! E and I are starting a serious search for a little girl dog to adopt!  I've filled out a few applications for foster organizations with specific dogs I've already fallen in love with, of course.  And this weekend (our first *gasp* FREE weekend?!) we're hopefully hitting up a few local shelters (ok not so local, 30+ minutes away) to check out some rescues!

Our doggy's gonna have a girlfriend!!

Prayer for Babies Lost...

I'm sitting here with an ice-pack on my groin/thigh, a nice swollen tendon to blame. 

Aqua Cardio is NOT your grandmother's sunday morning class!!
It's an awesome workout, muscle and cardio, and great for low impact. 
Hot Yoga again tonight, hopefully some heat and stretching helps this tendonitis - and if that doesn't do it, I've got sushi and cocktails with two great ladies after that!

I'll leave you with this great letter/prayer I got from my uncle (he married E and I) about our loss...

Life-giving God,

Your love surrounded each of us in our mother’s wombs, and from that secret place you called us forth to life.  Pour out your compassion upon K.  Her heart is heavy with the loss of the promise that once took form in her womb.  Have compassion on E.  His heart is also heavy with the loss of promise.

K and E grieve the death of hopes they anticipated, the dreams they envisioned, the relationship they desired.  Give them the courage to admit their pain and confusion, and couple that confession with the simplicity to rest in your care.

Allow them to grieve, and then to accept this loss.  Warm them with the embrace of your arms.  Knit together their frayed emotions, and bind their hearts with the fabric of your love for them.

 In the strong name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.

*Even if you're not too religious, or just believe in "some higher power," I hope the words speak to anyone who needs them, and they provide some comfort.

Fear and Loathing in New Jersey...

I am starting to worry that I will never get over this bitterness and ANGER at what happened....

It's been four weeks, and just when I think I'm gonna be able to move forward and finish grieving, something else just kicks me back down that slippery slope a little more...

The prayer letter from uncle yesterday - so well meant, so well appreciated, so beautifully worded.  And it so made me sit in my car and sob, then try to fight back tears so I would not be splotchy, blotchy and tear-streaked when I returned to work... (not too pretty a crier.)

Yea, and I just tried three separate times to re-type the letter here - I keep tearing up and that can't happen - I'm sitting at my desk at work, where the owner walks by every 30 minutes or so... Will post tonight, with glass of wine in hand, probably sobbing at the home computer.

So I'm going with anger right now.  *insert fist shaking*

I am MOTHER F*CKING ANGRY.

I'm angry that my BFF just got out of her 12w NT scan, and text my husband to say everything went well and that she's due sometime around Christmas.  **slips aaaall the way back down the damn slope**

I'm angry that, for some F*CKING STUPID REASON, that can't be me.

I'm angry that upon reading the text, my heart started pounding, my stomach dropped, and I felt no happiness for her. WTF is wrong with me?!

I'm angry that I can't stop counting weeks - 16 this Friday - for how far long I'd be.

I'm ANGRY that I'm part of less than 3 god-damn-percent of women who have a miscarriage after seeing a healthy h/b. 

I'm angry that I'll never have that naive happy-pregnancy feeling ever again.  I know of too much that can go wrong.  EVEN IF THE ODDS ARE IT WON'T!

I'm angry that above-mentioned pregnant BFF has victimized herself because I've only reached out to her once since my miscarriage - GEESUS forgive me, BFF, for not being a better friend to you in YOUR TIME OF MOTHER F*CKING NEED!!!

I'm so angry that this is all I can feel right now.  I'm utterly exhausted from it.

Now's a great time for kickboxing - with targets!! or at least punching bags!
of course, nothing lately is going my way apparently - no kickboxing classes today.

I'll be joining the senior citizen ladies in aqua cardio.  Swim caps required.
Fantastic look for when you're angry:

Pee Pants!

Cardio Kickboxing in two words : HARD CORE!!

When the class first started I was like, "YEA! I can do this! This is fun!"

Fast forward oh, just about 5 minutes...

"I dont wanna do this anymore!!!!"

Holy cow was this a workout!!  After kicking ass and taking names the first 5 minutes of class, high kicks slowly transformed to shin kicks...

But I'm proud to say I finished strong.  While I wanted to absolutely die during class, I knew I'd be glad I did it when I was done, so I pushed myself.  That, and the little VS bikini I've got waiting for the beach - that pushed me too...

I have muscles sore this morning that I didn't even know existed... if I sit stagnant for more than 30 minutes, I can barely stand and walk down the hall.

So last night's cardio high was good.  While it lasted...

*****

Today started ok - no indication to how sucky it would get.  Coworker spewed insensitive remarks about how sh*tty it would be to be pregnant and fat during the summer, only to follow that up with how late her period was, and while it would be COMPLETELY UNWELCOME, she and her husband would just have to deal with whatever comes their way.

Yea? Awesome.

Choke on your lunch.

*sigh*

Speaking of lunch - I headed home to let the dog out during my lunch break, only to get back in the car and promptly spill juice ALL OVER myself halfway to work.  The kind of spill that you feel all the way through to the back.  Soak-your-underwear kind of spill.

**

ACTUAL PICTURES!!            lol

After turning around to change pants AND underwear back at home, something made me check our mail before heading back to work...

In the mailbox was a prayer letter from my uncle who had married E and I.  It was very touching, though I have to admit I barely read but a few words through the tears as I was heading back to work.

(Will post later update with prayer letter!)

Aaaaaand a christening invitation.

Isn't that peachy keen.

I have to say though, that I absolutely love the parents.  They are E's cousin and her husband, and the four of us have been close for a few  years now.  Needless to say, they have been nothing but great to us the past couple weeks...

Good days and bad days...

Takin the Good with the Bad

Friday night was Buggy Item #3!!
E and I went with a group to a Moroccan restauraunt, which was the first time we'd eaten Middle Eastern food, and I was a little nervous as spicy foods don't agree well with me and my mouth, throat and stomach...

The restaurant was VERY authentic and I felt a little embarrassed by our loud, obnoxious and American group drinking beer and Cosmos (BYOB!!)

BUT - it was great food and the belly dancers didn't start til 9pm so we were VERY loud and obnoxious by then (reservations were at 5:15!!)

Aaaaand then E and I were home and in bed by 10pm. 
On a Friday night. 
When I complained to E about that, his response was "Well, we're married now."

And?! 

As of recently, we officially don't have any kids - or any on the way! - and what the hell is our excuse for being so lame?!

I made up for it for the BOTH of us the next night:

All martinis.  All mine.

Saturday morning I crossed the bridge into NYC, paid SIXTY-FOUR F*CKING DOLLARS for garage parking after cruising for 20 minutes...

(what the HELL is up with me and not being able to find parking?!?!? seriously.)

My friend in the city is awesome - she recently had called to tell me she and her bf had broken up, in hysterics and crying and blurts out - "I *hiccup* feel so baaaaaad (she was slightly drunk and by slightly I mean seriously) you're PREEEEHGnant and I'm SO HAPPEEEEEEE for you *sniff sniff *GULP* I'm so saaaad for meeeeee - but I'm happy for youuuu!!!!"

I just loves me some Muffin* (not her real name - I'd hope you'd assume that lol)

We set out for some serious shopping down in Chelsea, stopped off for some brie cheese and crackers to go with my whine ("It's Not Fair" was playing this weekend... again...) - real wine mixed well with that...

AAAAAWESOME Italian dinner reservations at 7:30 where we stuffed our freaking faces, then met friends for drinks - "friends" being:

one famous TV host (not telling, but she's awesome)

one VH1 producer, and gads of gays! (I <3 them all, seriously...)

On the Seventh morning, we rested.  And brunched.  DUH - she lives in the Upper  West Si-eeeeede - eeeeeveryone spends Sunday brunching!!  Stuffed our faces again, and helped along our hangovers with Pellini's - bellinis with POM juice (I'm always courteous to my uterine lining!)

An hour or so in Central Park capped off my time in NYC and back over the bridge I came in a fury - mad dash home to shower and change and head to a wake... (hey, see post title! Here comes the bad!)

******

E's family all lives really close, and they all maintain close relationships (which I love, given that my family is all 1600 miles away...)

His sister's mother-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer around Christmas of 2011.  I think (because I don't know for SURE all the details) that they found it very late, and it very quickly spread... She got progressively much sicker, and lost so much weight that she told family she didn't want them to come visit and see her the way she was...

She died last Thursday, after being on hospice for about 2 weeks.  My sister-in-law's husband is just an awesome guy - they're an awesome couple - and the four of us are pretty close.  My heart just broke for him...  His father had died 10 years prior, and he's an only child.  Orphaned at 34 years old...

So we had the wake last night, and the funeral service this morning.  E and I of course took work off (1/2 days anyway) to be able to attend the church service, burial service, and repast afterwards. 

I'm normally not too big a crier (especially at funerals for someone that, as awesome as she was, I'd only met about 3-4 times...)

What gets me is when OTHER people cry and get emotional.  I'm a sympathetic crier?

So when a cousin gave a eulogy and got so choked up that she had to stop, cue my water works.  And when another cousin, an adorable little old man, patted the coffin and got emotional walking back to his seat after HIS eulogy, I couldn't keep it together. 

This has happened before at wakes for people I barely know - E's fire lieutenant passed a few years ago (very sudden, and tragic at 36 years old so the wake was very emotional)

The widow at the wake just broke my heart...

I'm almost embarassed by it sometimes, and I assume close family and friends of the recently deceased judge me and think, who IS this chick?  WE have the monopoly on grief tonight!

what made me tear up at a certain point in yesterday's service was not anyone else's emotions, but the priest's words... He said things that made me wish I could whip out my phone right then and start recording or taking notes... I did my best to commit the key parts to memory...

(And after the hot yoga instructor spoke to me last week, I feel like I hear messages everywhere now... a mixture of Sixth Sense and the freaky Mel Gibson movie - "I see Signs...")

The priest spoke about everyone wanting to know WHY did God make her suffer so horribly through months of cancer the way she did.  Why would God let ANYONE suffer?  A question that has been around for a thousand years, and will be around for thousands of years to come...

His answer?  "I honestly can't tell you."

Aside from it all, it was so refreshing to not hear a man of the cloth saying "God works in mysterious ways, trust in Him."

Instead, he said, "I don't have an answer for you.  I don't know why."

And THAT got me thinking... I keep asking why, too.  WHY ME.

Why any of us.  I probably ask at least once a day... (usually while trying to find DAMN parking somewhere...)

I've decided to stop asking. 

No one's going to have the answer, least of all me. 

No one can tell me why this happened to me. 

So I'm going to stop asking.

I also won't let this conquer me. 

I won't let the WHY's dominate my thoughts anymore. 

There will still be good days and bad days.

There'll be light days and heavy days (no pun intended, Aunt Flo.)

Now there'll be Buggy List days:

Cardio Kickboxing tonight

Paddleboarding this summer

maybe an extreme Mud Race - 5 miles anyone?!

But no more WHY days.

Pound it out!