Saturday, August 16, 2014

Just wanted you to know...

I sat last night, in the "playroom" still in progress (old futon and bookshelf to be junked, etc) and watched my son play.

I even thought that sentence to myself: "I'm watching my son play."

It was such a surreal moment, filled with awe at literally the miracle that he is, made of particles invisible to the naked eye... How with just a different sperm (I still giggle like a school-girl at that word...) someone totally different would have been sitting in front of me.  Or even might not have been there... A different sperm and egg met over two years ago for my first BFP - the wrong sperm, or the wrong egg.  And nature took its course...

And with my bestie Dee having just had her baby a month ago (HOLY SHIZ-NAT how is he a month old already?!) I am so happy that she is along for the motherhood ride now.

My blog posts broadly range from shallow, short and/or silly (don't forget Husbands couldn't care less about mucous plugs!) to the philosophical-waxing type (somehow facing jealousy of "easy" pregnancies and remembering what even led to this blog)

I think readers range too - there are those of you that I'm so excited and happy for you to be riding the motherhood train with me, all in various shades of parenting - newborns, twins, after a loss, after IF treatments...

There are those of you that are boarding the train - pregnant after a loss, pregnant after hard and heart-worn attempts, pregnant and full of fear after what you've been through; and for you all I remember my boarding, fraught with nerves and fears.  I pray along with you (to whoever you might pray to) for healthy pregnancies, healthy babies and healthy mothers.

And there are those of you, and even some blogs I follow that may not follow mine - and believe me, I am in no way offended or hurt - You protect yourselves, and it's because you may have faced BFN after BFN.  You may have experienced a loss, or heart-breaking multiple losses.
And for you all I pray the hardest.  I am a tear-stained broken heart with you at every bump in the road, every hiccup, every unseen obstacle (I had originally intended to go for (hopefully humorously-) obnoxious in the number of cliches but I seem to have run out...)

As I sat last night with Ben in his playroom, I wanted this for you all so bad, my heart hurt.

My blogged snapshots of life and thoughts are just that - snapshots.  They're superficial scenes of fashion, and house tours, and fun-filled trips.

But it's deeper than that: we connect through this community we've all somehow become a part of...  (I mean, hey - I've got an  IRL-bestie over on Easley Street!)
We rally with hugs, joy, concern, trepidation, SQUEEEE-ness at all the ups and downs we each have faced and may face in the future.

As light and airy as It, and I, may seem being in The After - in the SuccessAfterLoss category - not a day goes by that I don't check my Blogger feed and hope to hell that your IUI worked.
 Or that your NT scan came back with an "all perfect."
Or that you made it past a loss EDD, or a previous loss-milestone, sanity (somewhat) intact.
Or hope that, even though you're not blogging of it, that your IF treatments are happening, and are happening successfully at each stage...
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you all - new parents, new pregnancies, new heartache - and I just wanted you all to know that.


  1. This was such a sweet post. I do think the blogger community has a special connection because we share so much with each other!

  2. This is absolutely how I feel. My heart aches for those that are TTCAL for great periods of time. I feel so lucky for my situation, but so much pain for those that haven't seen their rainbow. Or for those that have only seen BFN after BFN. The struggle is very real and extremely painful. My heart goes out to all of you.