Two years and Google...

First off, let's just TGIF.

So I went a little crazy last night at the store and now my house looks like Michaels crossed with RagShop on the first day of fall with Halloween, Fall and Thanksgiving wreaths, window decals, decorative towels, and votives covering every surface.

Got the season's first half gallon of apple cider in the fridge - ready for rum on the next CD1 if need be!

And holy bajeesus - our second wedding anniversary is in 4 days... I can't believe how fast the time flew.  I'm not sure WHERE I thought I would be 2 years from my wedding day, but here definitely didn't even register...

Between bouts of "WHY ME and why not HER" fits and wondering what the heck is wrong with the stupid OPK's that won't turn positive even though I'm noticing what I THINK is a softening cervix high up - btw, probably not smart to EVER google that at a computer that is not 100% for private use... next time you use it, google may or may not try to predict what you're typing when you're wanting to look for a CERTIFICATE...


ANYWAYS - E and I are going to dinner at Melting Pot tomorrow night to celebrate Dos Anos.  The groupon we're redeeming is for 2 glasses of house wine as well, and I reminded him that he thought I shouldn't be drinking A DROP during FW when he sheepishly says, well - I'm sure one glass will be ok... *I know, it's because he thinks I'm more wild when wined up and we ARE in the EOD point - gotta keep things hot! (Note to self - immediately start rereading 50 Shades!

Other than that - busy weekend starts today at 5:15 when we take E's adopted sisters ice skating and it continues tomorrow moring with a WAY overdue hair appointment (to fix the bad cut job I got in Texas, while pregnant and thinking SURE I'm ready for a "MOM" haircut! - I regret it every day) and a nice blowout for tomorrow night's dinner date...

Also, my friend Dee is finally ready for wedding dress shopping after the last fiasco attempt so we shall proceed to Macy's in a trail of champagne bubbles, lacy veils and crumpled tissues tomorrow afternoon!

E-I-E-I-O

With a big belly here
and a big belly there
Here a belly - There a belly - EVERYWHERE A FRICKING BELLY

You can guess how dinner went last night.

Four beers, bland pasta and ugly maternity shoes. 

Ok so the last one I kind of enjoyed...

We're all going to a FORMAL wedding together in a few weeks, and she wanted to try to do the fashion bonding thing, going over what each of us was wearing.  She showed me this boring maternity dress, and made sure to tell me it was maternity (duh) and where it was from - cuz you know, we have so much in common when it comes to maternity clothes.  (did you see what I did there with the sarcasm??)

And then complained to me that her feet grew 1.5 sizes and that she had to buy new shoes.

Enter the Ugly Maternity Shoes:

She says to me, well you know - I know I'm not gonna be sexy ANYWAYS (you're right on that mark!) so whatever...

Guess who IS gonna look HAWT.

the same girl who's gonna (finally) start her online photography class tonight! I'm all ready with my new camera strap, lenses, and flash diffusers!

As I typed that, I realized I'm probably lying - Grey's Anatomy season premiere tonight.  Not sure I'll be doing anything but staying glued to the screen... 

10 Reasons...

..why I DO NOT want to go to dinner tonight at (former) BFF's new "house" -

1.  FIRST AND FOREMOST - she is 27w pregnant (and HUGE)
2. she wasn't charting at all - and got pregnant - and wasn't taking PNVs before finding out... but everything's JUST FIIIINE now....
3. she is SMUG about her pregnancy: she emailed me at one point to make sure I "would be comfortable coming to dinner at their new house soon..."  I said, "pshaw - of course, why wouldn't I be? silly bitch..."
the real reason I WILL be uncomfortable is because we haven't spoken for months, not because she's pregnant, though she delightly decided to remind me of that, "Well I wasn't sure - you know, my hormones are all over the place lately."

4. one BFP and she's a pro on how to TTC: when she was pregnant the first time (a 2 day chemical P) we were at a baby shower together, and little did I know I was about to ovulate for MY BFP that weekend, but I had a glass of wine.  And smarmy pregnant BFF tells me, "You know, maybe you should try NOT drinking at all during your cycle!"   From the gal that was SHITFACED one week prior at her birthday party...
5. She got pregnant the very next cycle after her CP, which put her about 4 weeks behind my pregnancy - which means every time I hear how far along she is, I can easily calculate and remember where I SHOULD be.
6. After my mc, she pulled the "It's God's plans" card - even though she IS NOT IN ANY REMOTE WAY religious.  She also blurted out, "Well next spring is a better time to have a baby anyway - you didn't want to spend this summer all fat and pregnant..."
7. She believes (and by default, her husband also believes now) that what happened to them is basically the same thing as what happened to us.  I hope I'm not stirring up sh*t here, BUT - a c/p DOES NOT EQUAL a missed miscarriage at 11WEEKS!  I have conversations in my head where I can scream at her, Did you have to have YOUR uterus scraped clean of a dead fetus because your body wouldn't get rid of it on it's own??
8.  She tried to tell me after this, to "buck up - my mom just really wanted me to tell you that she went through the same thing at 12 weeks, and she ignored her doctor's advice, and got pregnant with me the VERY NEXT cycle!"

Even Michelle thinks she deserves the stink-eye for that!

9.  Ok non-pregnancy related, but it drives me crazy - She tries to convince our friends that renting a house is SO MUCH better than buying one... Sorry - let me know how you feel in 10 years from now when you've thrown $180K DOWN THE DRAIN, and we are pretty much over 1/2way to owning our home. 
I like to think that she's just trying to make herself feel better for being poor, having shitty credit, and never being able to borrow $ for a house...
10.  Did I mention she's 27w pregnant and SMUG?!



Ok Ok - Silver Lining time - 5 things I won't MIND about tonight...
1. I'm gonna be all hawt and skinny in my skinny jeans and stilettos.  and I'll be hawt.
2. She's NOT gonna be hawt!! She's seriously PACKED ON THE POUNDS and still has a loooong way to go... (Remember the elbow dimples?! Can't wait to update you all on how deep they got!)
3. with our new dog, at least there's something else that can be talked about besides her pregnancy, their new "house", her new mom vehicle -

ok who am I kidding...

tonight's gonna suck...

Back to the Buggy...

...List that is.

Yea, with hot yoga on hold for now with World War III raging, I'll have to settle for briskly walking the dogs in the afternoon...

But E should be happy with my next BuggyList item - it sits me squarely in front of a computer (as if I don't get enough at work!)

I've got a Groupon for digital photography courses online!  F-stops, Iso-speeds and shutters - oh MY!

I ordered all kinds of accessories for my camera on my recent Groupon/Amazon photo splurge -
1. a snazzy new camera strap (that should be arriving today!!)

2. three different flash diffusers

3. Kit with three different UV lenses, tulip lens hood, new lens cap + cap leash, and case

And for $2.49, I couldn't neglect my N.ook...



Next stop is ordering another canvas print (Groupon, again) of current photos - I tried last night, but I just got distracted and spent 2 hours just looking at old honeymoon/wedding pictures...

And another BuggyList item (that is appropriate for FW and the 2WW, according my DH, the new pro) will be revamping my photography website, Moments Captured!

and on CD12 speaking of FW - although post-mc the elusive O tends to hover around CD21, last month was early - CD16.  Gearing up for BD time and goodLord, here's hoping O happens "early" again - I'm not sure I can keep up, even EOD, for ten straight days!

when good intentions go bad...

Weekends for E and I get so crazy, we're relieved when Monday morning rolls around, and this weekend was no exception.

I worked late Friday, only to rush over to the local ice ring for open skate with E - a little last minute date night.  Dinner and beer at our local hole-in-the-wall/college-spot sports bar followed, which ended in us passing out at a ripe 11pm on the couch.

Saturday I had to work - FUN! - because this stupid lawsuit still isn't over... *Hint Hint -  hey boss, I'm gonna need another bonus!!

We went to dinner at E's cousins' house later that night, the ones who had Baby G in April.  We had tried to set a dinner date with them a few times, but each week night we mentioned them coming up (new house, new doggie to see - I have new things in my life too, just no baby yet!) they said they couldn't leave their house because they're working on some stupidly named sleep method for Baby G, some self-soothing crap from Meet the Fockers or whatever.
So she text me earlier in the day, last minute, to see if we were free that night.  And then we had to rush over, minutes after I walked in the door from work because, "If [we] wanted to see Baby G, [we] better get there by 6 because he needs to be put down at 7."
Oh excuse me, I was kind of going to see you.  I mean, it's a baby - he can't hold a conversation yet about which fall show he's most excited about, or how awful our friends' upcoming wedding colors are. 
And I get it, after you have a baby, your life is now dominated and run by your offspring.  But all I ask of you, is TRY to focus on your GUESTS when you have them over!!!!!
1 - when baby needed diaper change, mom and dad both disappeared to their bedroom (to change him on the bed?) and SHUT THE DOOR in our face. 
2 - the guys took dogs for a walk, and E's cousin wanted to feed Baby G one last time (bottle) and put him to bed.  So she shut herself in the nursey, and left me sitting in the living room.  By myself.  For 20 minutes.  When the guys got back, E asked why I was just sitting there on my cell phone (like, how RUDE! you're a guest at someone's house!)  when I shot back, gee I've been stiting here alone for 20 minutes, should I have found some copy of Good Parenting to occupy my child-less time?

so I drank all of their white wine.  That'll show 'em.

(notso)Innocent bystanders and Casualties of TTC

We hit That Point.
E and I fought the other night about TTC.

It all started innocently enough - he mentioned that during FertileWeek/Window, he wanted to REALLY relax, absolutely NO DRINKING (on my part) and physically don't DO MUCH AT ALL (again on my part).  Because lord knows, me doing a set of stairs here and there, or carrying a laundry basket from basement to bedroom - that will fuck it all up. (insert heavy sarcasm here)

It snowballed.  And fast.

It grew to the point where accusations of "not giving a DAMN" were flung.  At me, mostly.

Because I am trying to stick to my Buggy List, generally, and get in shape. And lord knows AGAIN (he's omniscent really...) that a healthy body is a GREAT thing to cross off your TTC check-list.

So I said to E, really - I have been trying to get back into walking/running daily with the dogs (oh p.s. - we DID get our second dog.  A precious little girl named Zoey! Love her to death, her and Rocco get along famously.  Perhaps TOO famously... I've never seen dog hips pump so fast, pistons they were.)

And I feel like E just mocked it all:  "HA - you don't run! Why the hell do you want to start now!?"

When I ask does he really think that something as simple as taking a daily brisk walk with the dogs would affect me getting pregnant, two things happen:
1 - I ask in my head - so if you think THAT, you must obviously think something I DID could have affected when I was pregnant too (i.e. I did something that caused a mmc.)  The weeks I was pregnant, he always thought I wasn't eating enough - he's in the club that thinks, eat everything in sight as a pregnant lady to keep  healthy - ugh.  Does he deep down think its my fault??
2 - He also read this all as my "not caring."  He read it as I wasn't willing to give up certain things for TTC sake.

I get heated/sad all over again, rehashing the whole issue.

REALLY?!?!? I don't care?!

Have I not ordered HUNDREDS (at this point!) of OPK's and HPT's over the past couple of months?
Have I not woken early EVERY SINGLE MORNING for the past (almost) year to take, and record, my temperature?
Have I not PIAC for an OPK DAILY, if not TWICE DAILY for the past (almost) year (post loss especially)?
Have I not, DAILY AGAIN, stuck fingers where they don't necessarily belong, to check CP and CM? Even when the only option is a dirty bathroom on campgrounds??
Have I not gone, religiously, on every CD2 to buy POM juice and DECAF green tea?

He even voiced it, mid fight, that all he has to do is make his "donation!"
WELL SHIT isn't that lucky for you - that I have to do all the work.
Because, IN HIS WORDS, "[I'm] gonna be the one pregnant after all!"

God knows I'm willing to give ANYTHING REQUIRED up for a successful pregnancy.  Tell me that I just need to stop shaving my arm pits - I'll go hippie-flower-child in a heartbeat.
Tell me that I just need to start dancing naked in a field of strawberries once a month during a full moon - GET OUTTA MY WAY I NEED TO FIND A STRAWBERRY FIELD!!

Apparently, when I hit the Zen stage of TTC - don't forget that Life needs to be lived - E hit the Panic stage.
I know that, of the months post -loss TTC, 1 of the 2 I completely missed my O date, resulting in SHITTY BD timing. (hence a semi "duh" reaction to BFN's.  Untimely sex = / = pregnancy.)

I have a faith that it WILL happen - I can't think of when, because if it's more than a few months - I think I WILL START TO GO CRAZY.

I may still go crazy with a husband that wants me on bed rest during FW... Although - "honey YOU don't want me moving too much, you need to do laundry, dishes and dusting this week!" sounds pretty good too, now that I think about it...

PWHC and Groupon

so two random things -

1. good silver sparkly lining about the loss : making friends with other PWHC members.
That's Pregnant Women Haters Club. Members by Invitation Only.
Where we bash (only fat and SMUG) pregnant women.  And when I say fat, I mean - gained 30-40lbs and is only 26weeks. and by SMUG, I mean that they try to tell you how to conceive.
like, when you have a glass of white wine at a baby shower (HELLO, it's needed then!) and you hear that "maybe you should try not drinking at all while TTC," from the lady who got WASTED at her 30th birthday party 1 week before finding out she was pregnant.
Yes, probably sounds heartless and cruel, but it's only done when well-deserved, and it's one right that I get after a loss.


Second random thing - E took me to the Melting Pot a few years ago for my birthday, and while we LOVED it, we decided it was a little pricey for frequent visits.  But now with this wonderful thing called Groupon, we get our three-course pre-fix dinner, AND wine - for like, 50% off.  Lovely anniversary dinner in two weeks!

We need more cowbell!!

Personal opinion? TTCer's need their own cheerleaders.

and I think they should look something like this:


Yes, that is an asian MAN.  In a shiny, short blue skirt and silver pom-poms.

Who can lose with him on your sidelines?!

GPS needed

With all the technology out there - Garmin, TomTom, NaviWhatever, there needs to be a road map to TTC.

I need Rand McNally to publish something that tells me WHAT THE HELL is going on with my body.

Yes, I know I skipped OPK's and a temp here or there.  BUT SERIOUSLY.

When I get a weird bright red teeny SPOT during a b.m. (TMI? no such thing) on what I THINK is 10-11ish DPO, and then nothing else - I just want good ole Rand to tell me, YUP - make sure you have tampons!
OR - it is some weird post-implantation breakthrough bleeding, thus you are pregnant!

JUST TELL ME RIGHT NOW.

Pipe Dreams

so I know I spout good bullshit about being patient, and live your life while TTC... But there's a fine line between not obsessing, and completely throwing it all to the wind...

Like, when you go camping for the weekend, and seriously slack on OPK'ing - and by slack I mean that I brought them - one per day - and didn't use a single one over a 2 night stay. FAIL.

And like, when you go camping for the weekend, and only somewhat slack on temping - and by slack I mean, how accurate CAN a temp be when you're sleeping outside in a tent? and probably woke up at the ass-crack of dawn when heard a couple at the next camp site GETTING IT ON? and then somehow your tent SWALLOWED UP your BBT - whole.  it was completely missing the second night - so no temp the next morning at all!

so of COURSE - the OPK Sunday night when you return to civilization is the darkest so far, but seems to be fading when Monday morning's OPK is still lighter.  and your temp does a nice little rise, not enough to warrant CH's from FF - they're very stingy with those things - but enough for you to side-eye your chart and think, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

interpreter needed at aisle CRAZY!



OH PLEASE let me be THAT girl with a wonky ass chart, no idea if O even happened, and a BFP at the end...

Checks & Balances...

Sometimes it all just evens out...

This morning I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed... I got mad when E threw the ball for Rocco and Rocco landed on me.  While I was still asleep.     -1

I got annoyed because the red neck lady in front of me at Dunkin Donuts took forever with her artery-clogging order of coolatas, coffee lite and sweet, and donuts.      -1

I got annoyed at 3 slow-ass drivers that didn't use turn signals, which caused me to wait for them when I didn't have to, which caused me to miss like, 3 lights in a row.     -1

I got annoyed at the receptionist because I walked in and got assaulted with "printers arent working, and the administrator won't be in today?" (think Ron Burgundy) I said, are you ASKING me or are you telling me??   -1

I got annoyed that I forgot that I left the AC in my office off, so I had to sweat this morning for a little while it kicked in...        -1

As I'm sitting here in my cream sleeveless sweater (new-old thrift store find - I can't wait for fall and tweeds!) and the air finally turns on high, a co-worker came in and gave me a greek yogurt+pomegranate fruit combo that I had commented on yesterday.  She said, "I brought this in for you to try!"     +2

And then, as I was walking to the kitchen to wash my spoon to enjoy said yogurt, a coworker did the up-and-down-eyeball and said, damn you look cute! Where'd you get those shoes??        +4

And tonight's dinner and drinks at one of my favorite Thai restaurants with one of my favorite people (definitely top 3!) Dee!    +2

So you see, sometimes its all in the checks and balances - and sometimes you just gotta wait it out...



(ok one more -1 : check this chart out)

WTF i know right? *sigh*

The One where my Dad learns "CM"

So, I use G-chat alot (no it's not some X.XX website for online chatting)

It's the messaging system in Gmail, kind of like Facebook's.

And I chat alot with Wease.  Helps the day pass when I'm hardly working - er - WORKING HARD!

So, imagine my dismay when we're knee deep in TTC chat - tinged CM, and negative OPK's after BDing like, well, rabbits.

And my dad messages me.

All I could think was, "PLEASE don't let me accidentally tell my Dad about my cervix position two days ago!!"