Saturday, September 22, 2012

(notso)Innocent bystanders and Casualties of TTC

We hit That Point.
E and I fought the other night about TTC.

It all started innocently enough - he mentioned that during FertileWeek/Window, he wanted to REALLY relax, absolutely NO DRINKING (on my part) and physically don't DO MUCH AT ALL (again on my part).  Because lord knows, me doing a set of stairs here and there, or carrying a laundry basket from basement to bedroom - that will fuck it all up. (insert heavy sarcasm here)

It snowballed.  And fast.

It grew to the point where accusations of "not giving a DAMN" were flung.  At me, mostly.

Because I am trying to stick to my Buggy List, generally, and get in shape. And lord knows AGAIN (he's omniscent really...) that a healthy body is a GREAT thing to cross off your TTC check-list.

So I said to E, really - I have been trying to get back into walking/running daily with the dogs (oh p.s. - we DID get our second dog.  A precious little girl named Zoey! Love her to death, her and Rocco get along famously.  Perhaps TOO famously... I've never seen dog hips pump so fast, pistons they were.)

And I feel like E just mocked it all:  "HA - you don't run! Why the hell do you want to start now!?"

When I ask does he really think that something as simple as taking a daily brisk walk with the dogs would affect me getting pregnant, two things happen:
1 - I ask in my head - so if you think THAT, you must obviously think something I DID could have affected when I was pregnant too (i.e. I did something that caused a mmc.)  The weeks I was pregnant, he always thought I wasn't eating enough - he's in the club that thinks, eat everything in sight as a pregnant lady to keep  healthy - ugh.  Does he deep down think its my fault??
2 - He also read this all as my "not caring."  He read it as I wasn't willing to give up certain things for TTC sake.

I get heated/sad all over again, rehashing the whole issue.

REALLY?!?!? I don't care?!

Have I not ordered HUNDREDS (at this point!) of OPK's and HPT's over the past couple of months?
Have I not woken early EVERY SINGLE MORNING for the past (almost) year to take, and record, my temperature?
Have I not PIAC for an OPK DAILY, if not TWICE DAILY for the past (almost) year (post loss especially)?
Have I not, DAILY AGAIN, stuck fingers where they don't necessarily belong, to check CP and CM? Even when the only option is a dirty bathroom on campgrounds??
Have I not gone, religiously, on every CD2 to buy POM juice and DECAF green tea?

He even voiced it, mid fight, that all he has to do is make his "donation!"
WELL SHIT isn't that lucky for you - that I have to do all the work.
Because, IN HIS WORDS, "[I'm] gonna be the one pregnant after all!"

God knows I'm willing to give ANYTHING REQUIRED up for a successful pregnancy.  Tell me that I just need to stop shaving my arm pits - I'll go hippie-flower-child in a heartbeat.
Tell me that I just need to start dancing naked in a field of strawberries once a month during a full moon - GET OUTTA MY WAY I NEED TO FIND A STRAWBERRY FIELD!!

Apparently, when I hit the Zen stage of TTC - don't forget that Life needs to be lived - E hit the Panic stage.
I know that, of the months post -loss TTC, 1 of the 2 I completely missed my O date, resulting in SHITTY BD timing. (hence a semi "duh" reaction to BFN's.  Untimely sex = / = pregnancy.)

I have a faith that it WILL happen - I can't think of when, because if it's more than a few months - I think I WILL START TO GO CRAZY.

I may still go crazy with a husband that wants me on bed rest during FW... Although - "honey YOU don't want me moving too much, you need to do laundry, dishes and dusting this week!" sounds pretty good too, now that I think about it...

1 comment:

  1. You are so much more chill than me. If B ever made me feel like I didn't care enough (which we both know you care more that if anything it's borderline obsessive!) heads would roll.

    I seriously don't see why walking during TTC or even light running would HURT anything... Because lord knows that there's been more than enough people out there shooting up heroin that have been pregnant and even miraculously given birth to healthy babies... fuuuuuuugh.

    Yeah, make him do all the chores if that's what it takes and maybe just don't drink in front of him... muahaha!