Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Mourning...

I'm not even sure where to start...

First - an apology, this will be quite a novel and no fun images...  a lot happened this weekend (and yesterday) that I just need to get through and still process...

And then - maybe chronological order would be best, yes?

So Saturday afternoon (as I previously mentioned, however briefly) we headed an hour away to our friends' new house (let's call them the PotatoHeads, Mr & Mrs PH for short...)

Another set of friends met us there, we all had fun with Button who loved to entertain his new playmates.  We ordered Chinese food, and got decently drunk (after Button went down for the night - and BOY did he go down, after a short nap during the car trip and then racing around all afternoon showing off...) 

And it was during this drunkenness that everything began... 

Let me backtrack a bit - did I mention that E's sister and husband, married about 1 year after us, were to begin TTC very soon?  She has been on anti-anxiety meds most of her adult life and was (as far as I knew) in the process of weaning off... Attempts had been made in the past that were unsuccessful (anxiety kicked back in and she once ended up on a stronger dose than when she left off...)

Needless to say, this created a few issues between man and wife - he thought she was lying to him about being off of meds, she thought that the very low dose she was on was tolerable and ok for TTC and pregnancy, he strongly disagreed, etc.

This is how the story was portrayed to me via the game of telephone (SIL told to MIL, or to E directly, who then told me...)

So this past Saturday night, while we're at the PotatoHeads' house, E answers a phone call from his sister, and goes into a back room.  Of course, I check in on him after a bit to make sure everything's ok and get told this:

         BIL had been "out (in NYC) with clients" when SIL discovered half of their joint savings "missing" and tried to text him about it... My initial interpretation of events was that he was a shady sheister and avoided answering her - turns out he DID answer about an hour later, saying "I moved some into [a different bank] because we're getting horrible interest rates [yada yada yada]."

Of course, given recent events and issues between them, this was alarming and not quite a good enough explanation for SIL, who decided to ask him more once he got home from his "client meeting" (which ended up being close to 1am).

At this point in the night, back at the PH's house, the three couples had about polished off a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and were feeling good, doing random yoga handstands and falling on couches... (don't ask)

Couple #2 decided to pack it in for the night (she was DD) and as they're saying goodbye, Mrs. PH and I are in the kitchen.  


Now, the PotatoHeads were also recently to begin TTC, and she too was weaning off of anxiety meds (I believe with much more success than SIL).  Earlier in the day when it was just E, myself and Mr. PH at the house, PH voiced concerns that Mrs PH was drinking.

Alot.

And had asked me, did I think that drinking affected being able to get pregnant (to which I said, well - don't get WASTED, but a glass or two of wine might help! *wink wink*)


So with that, and Mr PH's request to "try to talk to Mrs PH" in mind, she and I begin the drunken conversation in the kitchen. 

Big fat tears started to roll down her face, as she revealed that, after a cervical cancer scare (during which I think she had some biopsies taken? she mentioned "missing part of her cervix...") she's terrified and is already sure that she physically won't be able to carry a baby, that she will be the road block and the person "at fault" when they can't get pregnant...






In the bathroom later that night, I sat back and thought, my gosh... There I was, witnessing two couples starting to fall apart.  And it seemed TTC was to blame...

The IL's - SIL has horrible anxiety (and may be feeling it more at the prospect of getting pregnant and being a mother) and BIL is not quite sure that his wife is ready to have a baby...

The PotatoHeads - he thinks she might have a drinking problem, she might be drinking because she thinks she is the problem and will prevent them from having kids...


I hurt for both couples, and wanted (in my drunk "I'll fix all problems!"attitude) to sit the PotatoHeads down and say to them, "Just communicate! Voice your concerns Mrs. PH! You guys are a TEAM in this process! It's not "your fault" or "his fault!"




And so dawned Sunday - E spoke to his sister, who said (I learned this again via the game Telephone) that she spoke to hubby, and he apologized for how bad it looked that he'd moved money, etc.  That it really was the better interest rates, etc.  And as far as I was told, he didn't further clarify on why it was only half of their money, and if it was in her name as well...


Yesterday, E stayed home sick, and I joined him around lunch time (yay stomach bug... but weirdly enough one that only caused nausea - no vomiting, and no (yuck!) diarrhea, thank god!)

Later, E was out picking up Button from daycare and stopping at the store for prepared dinner foods (no cooking for us last night...) As I was trying to gather strength and sip a cup of chicken broth, I received a text from him:
"[BIL] left [SIL] today while she was at work. Dropping Button off then heading to her house..."


My heart sunk...

After more Telephone, I learned this:
SIL got home from work.  BIL's car was still in the driveway, trunk loaded with clothes and belongings. 

She walked in to a "Sit down, we need to talk."

She was given a four page letter (see definite premeditation there) and was ultimately asked for a divorce.


A divorce.


And in this FOUR PAGE LETTER, in which he was already dividing their belongings: "You can have the TV in the living room, and I would take the one in our bedroom. [...] I've paid a month's rent to our landlord, so you have another month in the apartment while you figure out where you want to live. [...] " was the crux of WHY:

He had "fallen out of love." 


He has successfully made SIL feel she is to blame - she collapsed at MIL's house last night as family gathered around her, wondering out loud if the past four years has been a total farce - if it was EVER real...

As my heart broke for her, I got angry...

This man - the GODFATHER to my son - had most definitely been planning this for at least some time... He had been planning this cowardly move even during dinner at our house a few weeks ago.  He had known he wanted to leave his wife as they played with Button in my house.

E had a few choice words via text as BIL attempted to save face.  And I have to say I am so proud of E, who told me this of their conversation:

(BIL attempted to save face in large texts - of which I don't really know the content)

(mind you, I've paraphrased based on what I remember and what is needed for you to understand the context)
E: Don't even try this.  You have destroyed the family that stepped in to support you over the past few years.  The family who walked with you in support of defeating ALS (a disease that killed his father years ago).  The family who helped you bury your mother two years ago, who, were she alive, would be disgusted and disappointed by your behavior. (NOTE - OMG best thing to say ever.  who doesn't cringe whenever they are told they disappointed their parents?!)

His final text to someone who had, E thought, opened up during work lunches about TTC with SIL and how they were finally seeming to be doing better, and how he (BIL) appreciated being able to talk with E :
"Do me a favor - lose my number, and hang your head low."



E said it felt like the family had lost a member, and I said - it did.

We are now in mourning for a man we thought existed, and we have just learned maybe he never did.  How long has he fooled us all?  Had he already started writing the letter when he and FIL went to Yonkers for a weekend of slot machines together last month?

SIL is embarassed, humiliated and hurt - crying over what happens next... people thought they were this happy, perfect couple - what now?


I am horrified at the transformation of someone who we all loved and thought would be such a great role model and figure for Button to have in his life... It's despicable the things that have happened, and I don't even know where to start with SIL, besides an "I love you and am sorry" text... that feels so ineffective against what she's facing...


E said it well - You have disgraced this family, BIL, what was YOUR family - HANG YOUR HEAD LOW...

3 comments:

  1. I've honestly been thinking about this all morning and it just kills me to think that this all was going down right under your nose. Sorry... that totally freaking sucks.

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  2. What a jerk! I'm so sorry for your SIL. In one way it is good they did not have kids so she can kick this @*&%* out of her life and never have to deal with him once the divorce is finalized.
    I hope Karma comes and bites him in the balls.

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  3. What an ass. I don't even know what else to say about it. Your family must be hurting so much right now, especially your sister in law... sending strength to her. I like what journeywoman said - Karma WILL come bite him in the balls (maybe so hard he loses one?)

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