a philosphical LateBloomer

who knows if it's all that is going on with SIL right now that makes me philosophical lately...
(speaking of - I went to see her last night at her (no longer theirs?) apartment... everything was bagged up, portraits and art taken off the walls...

She was sitting on the couch.  Just sitting there.
As I hugged her, we both cried, her saying the words that E had told me she wailed two nights ago - "I can't believe my life is at this point...")


Button is at grandma's house today (coincidentally, daycare was closed with the snow storm - so it all worked out!) and his Aunt is there - hopefully his chubby-cheeked smiles help...


ok back to the philosophical.

I know there are a number of first-time mothers that freak out when they don't feel that "magical immediate and instant connection the second they hear their baby's first cry" (or "look into their squinty eyes"... or "have their teeny little fingers grasp yours"... enter your phrase here.)

I felt like one of those moms... wondered if I was missing some innate gene, and with that missing feature, I didn't feel the MyHeartExistsOutsideMyBody kind-of-feeling for awhile...

Of course, looking back - I can't remember the exact moment, or moments, or stretch of days where it happened - because now, I love that booger so much it hurts.  I read stories like the one YahooParents has on its homepage this morning (god.  a depressive father, whose wife has just requested a separation, who killed his two kids and then himself.  GOD....) and before my brain synapses even finish firing off the thought of "can you imagine getting a call that something happened to button?!" (had trouble even tying that!) my entire being starts to ache at the contemplation. 

This morning I was reading an old blog entry of a BL mom (whose son died from SIDS at 4 months old) and found a section that made me go, "holy shit.  that's it... I think, 19 months later, I've realized why I might have had that "missing gene" at first..."

"When [Baby] came into this world, I was almost afraid to give in and become fully attached for the fear of this exact situation. That sounds awful doesn't it? But I think it's completely natural to almost distance yourself just the least bit in order to protect yourself from being completely and utterly devastated."

Self-preservation is such a strong instinct... I honestly think that, having gone through a loss (albeit at 12w and nowhere near a full-term or peri- or neonatal loss) I was afraid, nay - TERRIFIED - to love this combination of E and I, to love him so hard and so much, and to have something happen, to have something tear that away, as once had happened...

I used to wake up (or never fell asleep to begin with) and stare at the monitor (thank the lord for video ones...) and go cross-eyed trying to see his chest or back still rising and falling.  I would jump up and run into the nursery if the blurry digital screen didn't fulfill, tiptoeing up to the side of his crib, and hold my breath as I listened to his come in and out...


I was always ok with how my feelings progressed and developed into the full-blown ones they are today about Button. I knew at the time, thanks to articles and other blogs, I wasn't some freak that couldn't love her baby.  I had faith that it would all develop, and of course it did...

It just really helped to read that blog entry this morning, to feel even more validated and comfortable being a "late bloomer..."





ALSO - recently my BFF Dee put it perfectly (as we booked one thing after another) - "We're just going to keep doing awesome things in March!"
Hittin' the BList hard this month!
          this Saturday -  CKO Kickboxing with Dee (and fBFF. *SIGH*) BAM!
          next Tuesday - MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! (emailed pictures last night to artist, CANNOT wait to see the final designs!)
          March 26th   -  Jersey Boys on Broadway with Dee
          March 29th   -  a Sunday morning BYO Brunch & paint class with the girls!
                 (BTW) these things are SO MUCH FUN, highly recommend it for a date night or your next girls' night!

CycleStatus: 
CD15
OPKs still negative (as of this morning)
low to medium, firm & closed cervix
drinking POM daily now, and plan on crunching the good olde pineapple core after O (because that's what I did the cycle of Button's BFP... why not, right? lol)