Spring Cleaning Continued!

My Blogger spring-cleaning continues this Monday - remember that old series about making shit that I once started and continued quite sporadically?
(P.S. I will never not think of Cher in association with "Sporadically"... Never.)

I've discovered (like, last fall discovered) this fabulous place called Pinot's Pallette.

Get this - they provide the aprons, the paint brushes, paint and canvas (and the cleanup!) and then let you DRINK while learning to paint trying your best to replicate the instructor's artwork!

I've gone once on a Girls' Night (for which we brought a small buffet of food and half a case of wine...)

What's really awesome is they walk you through, step-by-step (as seen in pictures) so you too can paint like the pros!

I loved my first visit so much, that I dragged E back for a date night (after which, he totally admitted he really liked it!)

It was a perfect seasonal canvas - of which we now had two of... (der, didn't really think that through...) so we gave one to my SIL!

After hibernating all winter, I'd learned that Pinot's has begun Brunch Sundays - they provide not only all the materials and instructions, now they provide the bagels and Orange Juice! (must bring own champagne!)  And so Dee and I have a brunch date for Sunday March 29th had a date YESTERDAY to paint this lovely beaut:

(which, if you haven't noticed, is going to match my living room perfectly!)

I didn't LOVE this painting as much as I thought I would...

And even though it matches the living room, it's a shame I don't really love it (I mean - the three "two-petal" flowers on the left look like they have teeth...)

I DID sneak a photo of a painting in the bathroom that I want to try and duplicate on my own... having been to three classes now, I can understand a lot more about the "layers" that may make up a background, and the mixture of a few basic primary colors to get all different shades...

(also because - there's supposedly only "Four ((3 now!)) tickets left!" for this class, and I'm not sure who I can get to commit to come with me... working hubby now for a brunch date!)

Cheers...

you know - I try to convince myself that I don't know why I'm testing.

I got my period for fuck sake, and so I totally expect the test to be negative.

But, then, I'm totally lying to myself.

Because, why else would one take a pregnancy test, other than that they think they might be (even the teeniest weeniest possibility of being) pregnant?
 

So I sat and watched the minute hand slowly tick through 5 rotations on my watch, and secretly hoped I was That One... The One who "got her period and didn't think she was pregnant."

Alas, we ended the night watching Sunday night's Walking Dead, toasting a wacky cycle and a wacky AF with some hard cider.

C'est la vie...

Wall - Meet Head

I want to do this:

Because even after (I think/thought) AF arrived, I'm still wondering if I might be KTFU...

(right? who does that?! I am NOT some newbie!!)


It all started .. one dark rainy night... (haha just kidding)


It began when (What I thought was) AF arrived way early, with a random splotch of pink spotting one day, and CD1 the next. (I guess it barely even meets "CD1" standards of needing a tampon or pad - because this cycle never really did reach its usual heaviness, I only really used panty liners...)
"AF" has now continued 3-4 days past its usual length, with random brown spotting the entire time...

Next thing I noticed was a very high cervix still (like, O-time-high) on CD26, about 8-9DPO (the day of pink spotting).

Today, ye olde Gate to Uterus is still very high, very closed.

And of course anything I read says that "CP before menstruation is very low, dry and sticky."

OF COURSE.

What's more - I've had weird acid bumps on my tongue for a day or two now - like, all over.  and a little bit white-ish.  Which led me to discover pregnancy(hormone)-related oral thrush.

OF COURSE

And then, during snowboarding with bestie-Dee yesterday (awesome-ness complete with beer, shots* and girl-talk (*shots because, Hello - AF, right?!?!)) she said something that I still hear ringing in my ears:
 that she "had a few glasses of wine the night before her BFP (for her 9-mo-old son) and only because she had thought she had gotten her period and didn't think she was pregnant!"

*Not what someone in my position needed to hear...

Add to that crazy-mix the fact that I fell asleep Saturday night on the couch at 9:30 (pretty early, even for me - but not totally surprising after CKO kickboxing at 8:15 that morning...)

So.

I'll be peeing on things when I get home tonight.

and will later most likely just toast a weird AF with some Redd's Apple Ale (hard cider)

(and then make an appointment to see a dentist about my weird tongue!)


Now excuse me, I have to go pee (for the third time in the last hour - which is most likely because I'm drinking lots of water.

RIGHT?!)

Fa-Rye-DAY!

as always, TGIF!

Some catch-up Food-i-ness (because I have this to-blog list that is going back to THANKSGIVING and the fabulous apple pie I made then, but really. seriously.  IT'S SPRING, and I'm spring-cleaning the blog drafts!)

SO - Thanksgiving Apple Pie, bask in its un-cooked amazing-ness:

 (Its amazing-ness is complete with store-bought crust... homemade + lattice-work DO NOT MIX for me...)

And sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we I made these scrumptious suckers for breakfast:

1. Crescent Rolls ready for the Egg ring

2. raspberry jelly on MonteCristo RollUps + Scrambled Eggs on Egg Ring

3. Ham+BrieCheeseSpread on MonteCristos and bacon wrapped into the Egg Ring

The Finished Products! 

And while we're on breakfasts, E decided one morning to enter the Breakfast Battle and make crepes!

(Note - we had to toss the Nutella, it was waaaaaaay old. and ended up using homemade coffee ice cream. YUM.)

I couldn't let E have the last word in the Breakfast Battle - I hit it out of the park with some breakfast muffins
(Great for grabbing-To-Go with a toddler!)

Made with pancake mix, I made three ham&cheese muffins, three blueberry muffins, three strawberry&white chocolate chip muffins, and three chocolate chip muffins.


E conceded the Breakfast Battle!!

Spotting Spring!

What better way to celebrate Spring (FINALLY!) than to recall some recent fun snow days...

And to remember the difficulties that Dressing a Toddler For Snow entails:

Or the creativity required for days when we couldn't even go outside:

that would be, clockwise starting from Left:

hanging with a friend during our Superbowl Party(IGNORE the Giants gear...)

Pants-Free Dance Party with a cousin

Look closely into the box.... (we were SUPER bored that day...)

We are SO glad spring is coming here (tomorrow!) (and with it the opportunity to run around a bit sans diaper!) 

Because, as Button's been peeing on the potty for a bit now, we're considering formally starting the potty training sometime this summer...

Happy Official Spring!! 

What are you most excited about for Spring/Summer?!

Rata-Tooooey

(Isn't ratatouille like, the poor man's dish because it's whatever you can find, or whatever is left, in your kitchen?)

Here's my Whatever's In My Mind right now:


1. The silver lining to a short LP - I didn't see a negative HPT this cycle! (no time for one...)

2. to allow (more than) sufficient time for tattoo healing,  I've been going braless for over a week now.  (Not that I ever really needed one, I guess... except when nursing and these babies became Bs! lame.  I know.)
But I just might be on to something.... (that something being Bra-Free Fridays EVERYDAY!)


3. Curse E.L.F. and their great prices - I got an email saying an additional 40% off today, so of course off to their website I went to load up on cheap cosmetics... (I've been using their eyeshadow primer as an under-eye brightener under my foundation - AMAZING DISCOVERY!)

Another discovery?

Something fishy with some (all?) of their Mineral products...

I love me some mineral foundations - mostly from that one time years ago I tried my sister's BareMinerals powder foundation and loved it, so I'm totally not an expert or anything...

So I read through the description of their Mineral Blemish Kit because I am totally in need of a good yellow/green tone blemish corrector, or whatever you call that. (lol told you I'm not an expert)

And curious me, I click on the "California Residents" link (because I've visited the land of eternal sunshine enough, have a LOT of family living out there, and figured - hey, how come they get a special link with a hidden secret message?!

Here's why:

In case you missed that dark red paragraph:

But we're totally safe in New Jersey, right?!



DAFUQ?!?!



And while I kind of want to be like, well what did you expect getting cosmetics for a few bucks?!
I also wonder, how the hell can they sell this stuff?!

I'll say it again - 

P.S. I totally called them out on thatsitethatrhymeswithSpaceBook. 
Tagged 'em (and bagged 'em)

Turrible Tuesdays...

...said in the voice of Charles Barkley...


FF-boycott ended abruptly yesterday (which was 9(ish)DPO - "ish" because I'm only going by OPKs and nothing more exact like temping) after a brief bout of pink spotting at work (that then went away!)

I debated for about 2 minutes, and then flew into FF - (because I always had somewhat of an idea about how many DPO I was and unless I horribly lost count, which was the whole goal of the boycott, I was "Turribly" early for AF...)


I then SQUEE!!!'d at work for the rest of the afternoon, googling "IMPLANTATION BLEEDING!"  and letting my stomach flutter when I read that 9DPO was totally the average time women experienced it! (and 30% of pregnant women experience it! I mean, shit I already fell into some pretty low odds before, why not this fabulous 30%)


And then last night, brown (and a little bit of red) started... pantyliner overnight caught nothing, and this morning it started up again.

so I'm going to go ahead and call it CD1 (tampon in now, will be changing within the hour and we'll see how accurate the CD1 label is for today... *At this point, we all would giggle and say, "Sorry for blatantly telling you the status of my uterus and what's coming out of my vagina..." while we all really know - there is no such thing as TMI on TTC blogs. so no apology here!)

And so started the concerns over my LutealPhase... (today would be 10DPO... very borderline LOW for a LP...) 

(**Reproductive Lesson for those not already in the know! The Luteal Phase is the phase in your cycle between Ovulation and your period arriving. 

 During this phase, progesterone levels (should!) peak and then maintain and support the lining of the uterus for (hopefully!) an implanting embryo.  If your LP is "too short" and progesterone levels drop too soon, your uterine lining will begin to shed, basically not giving a fertilized egg (or embryo) enough time to implant...
Boo, right?? I picture a very sad little embryo trying to find a nice spot, much like Marlin trying to get out of the whale in Finding Nemo... (repeatedly swam as hard as he could against the whale's - what's it called? baleen?)


I've already looked into Fertility Blend, and Vitex, and Vitamin B cocktails (which slightly scared me: apparently Vitamin B to an excess has been found to cause nerve toxicity!)

But from that same website, I've compiled a new shopping list for this cycle:

• Leafy greens! (Like Kale smoothies!) (Leafy green vegetables are high in the B-complex vitamins- no nerve toxicity here!)
• Vitamin C!  specifically (and more reasonably available at the local grocer): broccoli, papaya, strawberries, oranges  (Vitamin C is apparently the only vitamin that has been shown to increase progesterone levels in women)
• Essential Fatty Acids! Let's go nuts - time to start snacking on Walnuts! (Walnuts are high specifically in the Omega-3 fatty acids...)

And as always, the good old POM Juice and its kickin' anti-oxidants (rumored to boost fertility by increasing blood flow to the uterus & promoting uterine lining).


So, there it is.

And if it is really and truly CD1 (can you blame a girl for secretly hoping that it's just more IMPLANTATION BLEEDING?! lol) then we've also got a great next few weeks lined up:

• more CKO kickboxing! (Saturday mornings for an hour, LOVE THIS CLASS!)
• more hot yoga! CHEAP! (My studio is offering a "Lucky Leprechaun sale!" classes are typically around $18-$22/class, but if you go in-studio tonight to purchase, you can get classes for $10-$11 per class!!! I'll be getting a 5-class package and will be able to pick back up my favorite Wednesday night Lava class tomorrow night - yay!)
• Also - MORE FW BDing! (which means that I'm adding some mood-wine to the shopping list!  (note - no I do not have to be slightly inebriated to want to get it on with my hubby... but it definitely helps the mood at 10pm when I mostly just want to curl up and go to sleep... lol)

FERTILITYFRIEND BOYCOTT UPDATE

As of Saturday night, so far so good. Except I just now almost opened it on my phone, by habit, as I flipped through my home screens..

But then again, I was so tired earlier (like 4ish) that I curled up on the couch and napped for an hour...
I don't really nap usually...

*sigh*

One Tough Titty

No, not an actual titty (I feel like that's such a vulgar word!!)

me - I'm tough.

I got tattooed on what is supposed to be one of the more painful areas...

 (you see those FIVE angry faces for his ribcage?!)

And I barely even flinched... (winced, for SURE...)

 Left picture is a good reference for placement and proportion...
closer-up of the whole tattoo seconds after he finished, as I laid on the tattoo chair...
(that bird.  SWOON.)

And the birds, oh the birds... so much meaning to me behind them...

First, being a nod to being 1 in 4...

My fourth bird is flying away - one too beautiful to stay...

The three silhouettes - it was pointed out to me that it looked like "our family" - with the two larger Mommy and Daddy birds and a small "Button Bird", and the fourth - again, the one too beautiful to stay...
(speaking of beautiful - How AWESOME did my tat-artist do on that bird?!)

**Of course, this little family is only accurate as of right now... I'm hoping there'll be more little bird silhouettes to come!

 More close-ups

and the nice red, angry, inflamed tattoo halfway through (top right)

The footprints are Button's... (obviously) and his daycare loves the fact that they are actually from one of their "masterpieces of artwork" =)

(P.S. - I've sworn off FertilityFriend for this 2WW.  I'm blissfully (kind of) unaware (mostly) of the DPO count.  Hopefully this prevents any symptom spotting - "HM - pinchy cramp at 5DPO? TOTALLY IMPLANTATION!"  and can maybe give me some semblance of the whole "I think my period's late!" vibe that I thought was gone and forever lost...)

Gonna get Inked!

Ok, as much as I wanted to do this for the past 19 months (or so), I'm getting slightly nervous as tonight's TATTOO appointment draws near....

It'll be tattoo #6, but by far the largest one and I know it's going to HUUURRRRRRRT! (Part of it will wrap under my arm onto my rib cage.. OW OW OW OW!)

7pm tonight!

Wish me luck!!

The truth

We're rounding the corner into the final stretch of this cycle at 1(to 2)DPOish...
(it's "ish" because I think I Ov. on the actual day of a +OPK when considering CP and CM as well, and fertilityfriend seems to think I O the day after...) I've been drinking POM juice the last week or so (to theoretically thicken up uterus lining for a nice fluffy bed), green tea daily for the past few days (to, again theoretically, increase CM to catch those swimmers), and this morning threw some pineapple core pieces into my rare fruit smoothie (supposedly the pineapple core aids implantation... notice all of these "tips and tricks" are really just theories, and "supposedlies" - but how could I not?)


Aside from all that good stuff, I somehow let FW creep up very quickly this month - we have only had one BD during FW.

ONE.

According to my O time frame, it was on O-1, so good timing.  According to FertilityFriend, it was on O-2, still decent timing.

But I still feel like chances are slim...

Yea, it "just takes only once!"  but I'm still somewhat kicking myself in the hiney for not BDing more... (Of course I can't help but draw parallels to Button's BFP cycle where we only BD twice - O-2 and O.  I remind myself that I can't know which "time" was "The Time" but it was one of them (and not a combined effort of both... lol) so if we had only had sex that one time (which ever one it was!) then it still would have been a BFP...)

And - but damn, it's hard to feel so concerned at 10:30 at night when, having fallen asleep on the couch after laundry and dusting and dishes and cooking and dinner clean-up, we then drag ourselves up to bed and when my mind flickers to, "oh hm probably should BD now, we might be getting near that time..." my sleepy-time persona is all, "yaaaaaawn there's always tomorrow... we're not that close or far into FW..." 
And so goes the vicious cycle...

I mean, and also - I O once in the early CD20s and all of a sudden I think I O late every month?! (Next cycle I'm definitely going to be much more on top of things...)


Last fall, when we/I thought ahead to TTC again, I envisioned just "seeing what developed" and being laissez-faire... I so wanted the processing of TFAS to be "laid back"with no cycle tracking and just "having fun" and having no idea when I O'd.  I envisioned a, "I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure my period is late" (like, at least a few days!) and then a fabulously dark second line...

I don't think that's possible... I'm pretty sure that I will ever get "that"back.
I have tracked O for the last year so I at least know when to expect AF, and that's been very hard to turn off...
the night we did BD this cycle, I had realized that this was it - the FW was about to pass us by, and I wasn't letting the night end without a "Deposit" being made...

So, there'll be no,  oh hmmmm shouldn't I have gotten my period by now? I wonder if I'm pregnant!

It's still the scientific process it became during our TTCAL stage (the "desperate stage" - as I religiously temped EVERY MORNING at the same time, and religiously checked CP at the same time every day after thorough hand washing for 2.5 minutes, and never forgot to take an OPK twice daily for the 2 weeks around FW...)

But I have to admit - the BD the other night was pretty kick ass, so I guess we haven't completely lost all of the "Magic" yet...





(also coming up - A BuggyLIst revisit, a fabulous MakingThingsMonday on Tuesday (lol) and some ReadingList catchup!)

a philosphical LateBloomer

who knows if it's all that is going on with SIL right now that makes me philosophical lately...
(speaking of - I went to see her last night at her (no longer theirs?) apartment... everything was bagged up, portraits and art taken off the walls...

She was sitting on the couch.  Just sitting there.
As I hugged her, we both cried, her saying the words that E had told me she wailed two nights ago - "I can't believe my life is at this point...")


Button is at grandma's house today (coincidentally, daycare was closed with the snow storm - so it all worked out!) and his Aunt is there - hopefully his chubby-cheeked smiles help...


ok back to the philosophical.

I know there are a number of first-time mothers that freak out when they don't feel that "magical immediate and instant connection the second they hear their baby's first cry" (or "look into their squinty eyes"... or "have their teeny little fingers grasp yours"... enter your phrase here.)

I felt like one of those moms... wondered if I was missing some innate gene, and with that missing feature, I didn't feel the MyHeartExistsOutsideMyBody kind-of-feeling for awhile...

Of course, looking back - I can't remember the exact moment, or moments, or stretch of days where it happened - because now, I love that booger so much it hurts.  I read stories like the one YahooParents has on its homepage this morning (god.  a depressive father, whose wife has just requested a separation, who killed his two kids and then himself.  GOD....) and before my brain synapses even finish firing off the thought of "can you imagine getting a call that something happened to button?!" (had trouble even tying that!) my entire being starts to ache at the contemplation. 

This morning I was reading an old blog entry of a BL mom (whose son died from SIDS at 4 months old) and found a section that made me go, "holy shit.  that's it... I think, 19 months later, I've realized why I might have had that "missing gene" at first..."

"When [Baby] came into this world, I was almost afraid to give in and become fully attached for the fear of this exact situation. That sounds awful doesn't it? But I think it's completely natural to almost distance yourself just the least bit in order to protect yourself from being completely and utterly devastated."

Self-preservation is such a strong instinct... I honestly think that, having gone through a loss (albeit at 12w and nowhere near a full-term or peri- or neonatal loss) I was afraid, nay - TERRIFIED - to love this combination of E and I, to love him so hard and so much, and to have something happen, to have something tear that away, as once had happened...

I used to wake up (or never fell asleep to begin with) and stare at the monitor (thank the lord for video ones...) and go cross-eyed trying to see his chest or back still rising and falling.  I would jump up and run into the nursery if the blurry digital screen didn't fulfill, tiptoeing up to the side of his crib, and hold my breath as I listened to his come in and out...


I was always ok with how my feelings progressed and developed into the full-blown ones they are today about Button. I knew at the time, thanks to articles and other blogs, I wasn't some freak that couldn't love her baby.  I had faith that it would all develop, and of course it did...

It just really helped to read that blog entry this morning, to feel even more validated and comfortable being a "late bloomer..."





ALSO - recently my BFF Dee put it perfectly (as we booked one thing after another) - "We're just going to keep doing awesome things in March!"
Hittin' the BList hard this month!
          this Saturday -  CKO Kickboxing with Dee (and fBFF. *SIGH*) BAM!
          next Tuesday - MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! (emailed pictures last night to artist, CANNOT wait to see the final designs!)
          March 26th   -  Jersey Boys on Broadway with Dee
          March 29th   -  a Sunday morning BYO Brunch & paint class with the girls!
                 (BTW) these things are SO MUCH FUN, highly recommend it for a date night or your next girls' night!

CycleStatus: 
CD15
OPKs still negative (as of this morning)
low to medium, firm & closed cervix
drinking POM daily now, and plan on crunching the good olde pineapple core after O (because that's what I did the cycle of Button's BFP... why not, right? lol)

Mourning...

I'm not even sure where to start...

First - an apology, this will be quite a novel and no fun images...  a lot happened this weekend (and yesterday) that I just need to get through and still process...

And then - maybe chronological order would be best, yes?

So Saturday afternoon (as I previously mentioned, however briefly) we headed an hour away to our friends' new house (let's call them the PotatoHeads, Mr & Mrs PH for short...)

Another set of friends met us there, we all had fun with Button who loved to entertain his new playmates.  We ordered Chinese food, and got decently drunk (after Button went down for the night - and BOY did he go down, after a short nap during the car trip and then racing around all afternoon showing off...) 

And it was during this drunkenness that everything began... 

Let me backtrack a bit - did I mention that E's sister and husband, married about 1 year after us, were to begin TTC very soon?  She has been on anti-anxiety meds most of her adult life and was (as far as I knew) in the process of weaning off... Attempts had been made in the past that were unsuccessful (anxiety kicked back in and she once ended up on a stronger dose than when she left off...)

Needless to say, this created a few issues between man and wife - he thought she was lying to him about being off of meds, she thought that the very low dose she was on was tolerable and ok for TTC and pregnancy, he strongly disagreed, etc.

This is how the story was portrayed to me via the game of telephone (SIL told to MIL, or to E directly, who then told me...)

So this past Saturday night, while we're at the PotatoHeads' house, E answers a phone call from his sister, and goes into a back room.  Of course, I check in on him after a bit to make sure everything's ok and get told this:

         BIL had been "out (in NYC) with clients" when SIL discovered half of their joint savings "missing" and tried to text him about it... My initial interpretation of events was that he was a shady sheister and avoided answering her - turns out he DID answer about an hour later, saying "I moved some into [a different bank] because we're getting horrible interest rates [yada yada yada]."

Of course, given recent events and issues between them, this was alarming and not quite a good enough explanation for SIL, who decided to ask him more once he got home from his "client meeting" (which ended up being close to 1am).

At this point in the night, back at the PH's house, the three couples had about polished off a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and were feeling good, doing random yoga handstands and falling on couches... (don't ask)

Couple #2 decided to pack it in for the night (she was DD) and as they're saying goodbye, Mrs. PH and I are in the kitchen.  

Now, the PotatoHeads were also recently to begin TTC, and she too was weaning off of anxiety meds (I believe with much more success than SIL).  Earlier in the day when it was just E, myself and Mr. PH at the house, PH voiced concerns that Mrs PH was drinking.

Alot.

And had asked me, did I think that drinking affected being able to get pregnant (to which I said, well - don't get WASTED, but a glass or two of wine might help! *wink wink*)

So with that, and Mr PH's request to "try to talk to Mrs PH" in mind, she and I begin the drunken conversation in the kitchen. 

Big fat tears started to roll down her face, as she revealed that, after a cervical cancer scare (during which I think she had some biopsies taken? she mentioned "missing part of her cervix...") she's terrified and is already sure that she physically won't be able to carry a baby, that she will be the road block and the person "at fault" when they can't get pregnant...

In the bathroom later that night, I sat back and thought, my gosh... There I was, witnessing two couples starting to fall apart.  And it seemed TTC was to blame...

The IL's - SIL has horrible anxiety (and may be feeling it more at the prospect of getting pregnant and being a mother) and BIL is not quite sure that his wife is ready to have a baby...

The PotatoHeads - he thinks she might have a drinking problem, she might be drinking because she thinks she is the problem and will prevent them from having kids...

I hurt for both couples, and wanted (in my drunk "I'll fix all problems!"attitude) to sit the PotatoHeads down and say to them, "Just communicate! Voice your concerns Mrs. PH! You guys are a TEAM in this process! It's not "your fault" or "his fault!"




And so dawned Sunday - E spoke to his sister, who said (I learned this again via the game Telephone) that she spoke to hubby, and he apologized for how bad it looked that he'd moved money, etc.  That it really was the better interest rates, etc.  And as far as I was told, he didn't further clarify on why it was only half of their money, and if it was in her name as well...


Yesterday, E stayed home sick, and I joined him around lunch time (yay stomach bug... but weirdly enough one that only caused nausea - no vomiting, and no (yuck!) diarrhea, thank god!)

Later, E was out picking up Button from daycare and stopping at the store for prepared dinner foods (no cooking for us last night...) As I was trying to gather strength and sip a cup of chicken broth, I received a text from him:
"[BIL] left [SIL] today while she was at work. Dropping Button off then heading to her house..."


My heart sunk...

After more Telephone, I learned this:
SIL got home from work.  BIL's car was still in the driveway, trunk loaded with clothes and belongings. 

She walked in to a "Sit down, we need to talk."

She was given a four page letter (see definite premeditation there) and was ultimately asked for a divorce.


A divorce.


And in this FOUR PAGE LETTER, in which he was already dividing their belongings: "You can have the TV in the living room, and I would take the one in our bedroom. [...] I've paid a month's rent to our landlord, so you have another month in the apartment while you figure out where you want to live. [...] " was the crux of WHY:

He had "fallen out of love." 


He has successfully made SIL feel she is to blame - she collapsed at MIL's house last night as family gathered around her, wondering out loud if the past four years has been a total farce - if it was EVER real...

As my heart broke for her, I got angry...

This man - the GODFATHER to my son - had most definitely been planning this for at least some time... He had been planning this cowardly move even during dinner at our house a few weeks ago.  He had known he wanted to leave his wife as they played with Button in my house.

E had a few choice words via text as BIL attempted to save face.  And I have to say I am so proud of E, who told me this of their conversation:

(BIL attempted to save face in large texts - of which I don't really know the content)

(mind you, I've paraphrased based on what I remember and what is needed for you to understand the context)
E: Don't even try this.  You have destroyed the family that stepped in to support you over the past few years.  The family who walked with you in support of defeating ALS (a disease that killed his father years ago).  The family who helped you bury your mother two years ago, who, were she alive, would be disgusted and disappointed by your behavior. (NOTE - OMG best thing to say ever.  who doesn't cringe whenever they are told they disappointed their parents?!)

His final text to someone who had, E thought, opened up during work lunches about TTC with SIL and how they were finally seeming to be doing better, and how he (BIL) appreciated being able to talk with E :
"Do me a favor - lose my number, and hang your head low."



E said it felt like the family had lost a member, and I said - it did.

We are now in mourning for a man we thought existed, and we have just learned maybe he never did.  How long has he fooled us all?  Had he already started writing the letter when he and FIL went to Yonkers for a weekend of slot machines together last month?

SIL is embarassed, humiliated and hurt - crying over what happens next... people thought they were this happy, perfect couple - what now?


I am horrified at the transformation of someone who we all loved and thought would be such a great role model and figure for Button to have in his life... It's despicable the things that have happened, and I don't even know where to start with SIL, besides an "I love you and am sorry" text... that feels so ineffective against what she's facing...


E said it well - You have disgraced this family, BIL, what was YOUR family - HANG YOUR HEAD LOW...