The one with the "vs"

hot yoga last night was AWESOME.  one of the best classes i've been to.  we FLOWED like mad, sweated like pigs, and it was great.
and then we got to do headstands (i knew all that practice as an eight-year-old in the pool, working up to dry-land attempts would pay off!)
and when we settled into corpse pose, i couldn't believe it - i wanted more.
i usually finish classes by watching the second hand tick closer and closer to the minute we could collapse, feeling my heart beat triple, my pulse pounding even in my fingers...
i wanted more last night.

my favorite yogi/instructor didnt fail to deliver either:

(paraphrasing here...)

Most people look, in envy, at someone able to reach down and touch noses to knees during stretches.  But here's the thing - while they may be FLEXIBLE, the most important aspect, and more respectable than flexibility, is ADAPTABILITY.
(is that a word? im not sure, but im going with it...)
A sign of a great yogi is their ability to adapt.  Make sure you are adaptable versus being just "flexible."

ok - it's not coming across as wonderfully as she put it, but nonetheless.
while i defintely may not be the most flexible in the yoga realm (ok, probably the LEAST.  i can barely touch my toes while standing... sigh) i think im proud to claim, i am ADAPTABLE.

(seriously taken straight from thefreedictionary.com:)
 adapt 

1. to adjust (someone or something, esp oneself) to different conditions, a new environment, etc.

2. to fit, change, or modify to suit a new or different purpose

 

adaptable - capable of adapting (of becoming or being made suitable) to a particular situation or use; "to succeed one must be adaptable"

 

 

i'm adapting.  i will succeed.

Feel-Good Shopping

If you couldn't tell from previous posts, I'm a budding photographer.  Or I aspire to be a budding photographer.  Or something like that...

So I've been obsessively reading This Lady's incredible photo-journalistic blog.  And when I say obsessively reading, I mean - I started from the very beginning.  Like, 2007 beginning.  I've watched her post-style morph and learned cool photoshop techniques with, and from, her.  And I'm frantically trying to catch up to current day - a little under a year to go!

But another REALLY cool thing is all the sponsors she has - for jewelry, headbands, swimsuits, diaper bags, purses, baby clothes - that she believes her readers will enjoy.

And I decided to enjoy today.
Ordered these earrings:
and these "bobbies":

from a fabulous store, Darlybird.  Which is fabulous because I got all of the above, plus shipping, for $25...


Yup.

More Flowers.  Because I'm BadAss, and feeling good.  Especially from hot yoga last night - I'm BACK on the Buggy List!

Another Turning Point, a Fork stuck in the road...

i've found myself all of a sudden in a new frame of mind, as if I threw away the road map and decided to just drive - and found the world's most delectable little hidden treasure of a town with old-fashioned drive-in theaters and malt shops and laden antique stores with just that perfect chair you've been looking for. 

and i think it happened during yoga on the beach this past weekend.  yup.  yoga on the beach with the sun rising over the ocean.  not to get all existential, but it was so incredible to open your eyes, after the first few breathes that came up from your diaphragm and flowed all the way out the top of your head, and see the gleaming waves crashing over an empty beach.

this new hide-away i've found is carefree.  it's like keywest where you can carry your beer down the street in the open.  it's like the shorehouse in seaside where every clock we put in, new batteries be damned, stops working in less than a week.  (true story.) 

and about this whole TTC thing - its not that i just dont care any more...  its more that i came to the decision that i believe there's a storyline already written for us all, the pages have just yet to be turned.  whether its page 2 or page 200 where the dragon is slain - it's already set it motion.  the ink is dried on the hidden pages, you just have to get there. 

your first reaction is to start skim-reading, and skipping past unimportant chapters...  but there's your mistake, your big downfall.

if you read too fast, if you skim past the small parts - if you drive past those hidden treasure towns - you're gonna miss the most important parts.

you're gonna miss life.

but don't stop following the story - there's still going to be interesting parts: high temps, positive OPKs, and 2wws.  there's going to be life : beach days, martinis with the girls and bachelorette parties, hot yoga, camping with friends.

if you're always looking too far forward, if you're always trying to rush through to get THERE, you're gonna miss NOW.

hell yea, the next chapter is gonna be big.  it's gonna be epic and it's gonna be life-changing in that things will NEVER be the same.  you and your husband will never be just the two of you again... or the two of you plus doggie...

and god, yes,  i'm anxious for it to be three of us, plus doggie.  i AM wanting to lick and dampen my thumb to start flipping madly through the pages until i get to the "good part."

but my sunday-morning beach-yoga breathe-in-the-goodness epiphany:
THIS IS the good part.  it's ALL the good part.

oh Spontaneity...

So - did you know that when you miscarry and need a D&C, it's called a "spontaneous abortion?"

Basically, it's like when I spontaneously decide to drop a few hundred at Anthropologie because their clothes are so irresistible, my body spontaneously decided to abort.  Go me.

And when an irresponsible teenager goes to a clinic and decides to get rid of an unwanted baby, that's an "elective abortion." 

So the only difference is premeditation?  Isn't that like the difference between manslaughter and homicide? 

Philsophical waxing, OVER and OUT.


This past weekend at the beach couldn't have gotten any better - my SIL said to me, OMG I just saw (your) BFF  - when is she due?  And I said, Christmas Day - and SIL goes, OMG SHE'S EFFING HUGE already!!
(I smiled a little inside.  Cuz who doesn't love the fact she's so big she has ELBOW DIMPLES...)

Oh, YES I DID. (don't worry, the shutter-sound was off. lol)

And then, (NO AND THEN!) at my in-laws last night for dinner and swimming, my awesome lovely MIL said the same thing about BFF being HUGE already...  SCHA-WING!

ANDPLUSALSO.  I got to wear my new straw hat to the beach on Friday - so I was all posh and people thought I was famous.  Not really.  But it was fun to pretend.

Back from the beach..

Loooong weekend down the shore, cuz you know, I was SICK Friday.. (no not really. I so got my tan on..) and here's a headsup- if you are a FAT man with a little braid down to his butt, I WILL take a picture of you to blast on the internet..


Also. I love coming home Sunday to a dishwasher STILL FULL after being run on Wednesday night, hence a sink still full of dishes. Can someone tell me WHAT exactly my husband did thursday thru sat morning?!

Sshhhhh

Sshhhh, don't tell...
... My boss that I'm not REALLY sick, I'm playing hooky for a day at the beach!

Sshhhh, don't tell...
... My husband that the day before his surprise party, I hit the curb at a toll booth and had to buy a brand new tire!

Sshhhh, don't tell...
... My husband that the clothing I bought from Victoria's Secret WASN'T on sale and I didn't really get rid of a bunch of shoes, I just moved them to the guest bedroom!

Sshhhh, don't tell...
... The library that when a book i checked out wasn't actually scanned, I didn't say anything so I could keep it!

Sshhhh, don't tell...
...my annoying coworker that the file she was looking for all morning ended up being on my desk.. oops!

F*$#ing First World Problems

(blog warning - I've switched formats - photos and daily life are now on a separate, public blog, and once the it's updated and formatted, I'll share if you really want - comment and I'll send it to you... Otherwise, it's all gonna be random spewing, true blogging.)

FUCKING FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS:

Setup: You're driving your 2010 Honda Accord Coupe, which you own after paying off 3 months ago, back from a pizza lunch that your husband bought his coworkers as a thank you for all their recent hardwork on a project.

1. You take the wrong FUCKING turn off the highway, even though you've done this route a MILLION TIMES.

2. While furiously driving up the wrong ramp, your hot apple cider (yes HOT apple cider, in August.  don't ask or judge.) goes flying because it's in one of those triangle-shaped mugs with the large-ass-base that are cool, but are SO LACKING functionality when it comes to car cupholders.

3. While you're trying to frantically find a napkin, or WATER to at least pre-soak what you know will be a stained cream-microsuede interior, you get HORRIBLY cut off by some woman who's probably driving around spending her wellfare/childsupport/foodstamps in places its not intended for (yes, I work in THAT part of town) in a jeep that's at least 20 years old and about to engulf my car in its plume of nasty-ass bus-rivaling exhaust.

4. When you get to work and try to temporarily park in front of the building for wet papertowels and an emergency upholstery cleaning session, you find your entire front curb is completely blocked by people too lazy to walk from the parking lot.  20 feet away.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

Randomized blather...

True blog-entry style - utter and complete stream of conscious & thoughts:



If I could go back...
...to sophomore year of college and the long-distance relationship I was in that created a mountain of credit card debt, flying to and from each other, and shopping and wreckless spending every college student falls victim to.

If I could go back...
...to December of 2010 when E and I decided we were ready to start TTC.  I'd tell myself, DON'T WAIT to go off bcp until May just because you don't want to be pregnant and showing at BFF's wedding in September.  JUST DO IT!  It might take (aLOT) longer than you think...

If I could go back...
...to Easter of this year when, while visiting family in Texas, I let pregnancy hormones take over and I chopped off my hair - now it's just a nice "mom" haircut without the mom part...

If I could go back...
...to two weeks after Easter.  The exact second a tiny heart stopped beating.  I wish I had those three whole weeks back, when I was blissfully ignorant.  Three weeks is a long time when you're TTCAL...

I need more flowers...

I was doing so good yesterday after a little flower-power... 
After a torrential downpour the previous day, I made it home to eat lunch and soak up some sun on the back deck - I feel all chic and european at my little bistro set.  (Except when it's CD1 and I've cracked open a cold BudLight and dripped grease from a juicy cheeseburger.  As American as it gets...)

So this morning, when the BBT beep-beep-beeped, I was all pumped and expecting/wanting/hoping-as-hard-as-I-could to see another nice high temp at 13DPO... *sigh*
Stupid hope.

If I had to make a checks and balances for today so far, pros and cons - Goods and Bads... Well, here's hoping there's more good later today to even this all out:


Going against me today:

   1. Big temp drop this morning.  Big as in, more than a half a degree. 
   2. Got an email from some CordBanking company - "Congrats, your pregnancy is more than half over!"  
           ...Thanks for the reminder of where I SHOULD be, and on a possible CD1 to boot, AssHats.  Go Eff Yourself
   3. Epic lawsuit at my job that's been raging for 2+ years reared its ugly head again, and I've got another three page list of documents to gather and procure in the next week or so...
   3. Then I did probably the Worst Thing possible - extended the hope and shamelessly chart-stalked on FF and found one that I liked:  -HPT on CD11, temp drop and then a +HPT

I'm trying not to feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for this, but here goes...

Things going FOR me today:

     1. AF has NOT shown up yet, with no sign anywhere on the horizon...

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings!!



     2. I gots me another "BAD ASS" flower on today.  The second I popped the BBT out (of my mouth!) and saw the temperature, I was already planning an outfit around this badboy:

    3. I got a hot date tonight with my gf at the famous sushi place - strawberry basil martinis anyone?!   (Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place: if AF doesn't show, am I still on team Drink-til-its-Pink??  I only don't want AF to show for a GOOD REASON and the only good reason would be TWO PINK LINES! Hear me universe?!  I know you gotta be spe-CI-FIC about things here - like the guy who wished his wife was years younger than him and more beautiful, and HE aged 20 years instead!)

Ok - Here's a positive to add - I'm doing it.  A blog give-away.

For me, these flowers are a little reminder of a hope, soul-crushing though it occasionally may be, that I should keep in front of me, like a donkey following a dangling carrot.

I believe there will be a BIG reward payout at the end of this journey, and I want to always  remember the hope that I try to keep alive during this all. Because even though it is one big Mo-Fo roller coaster, without hope - there's nothing. 

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering 'it will be happier'...”
― Alfred Tennyson

Out of the first 20 comments, one will be randomly drawn to win a Flower of Hope.  Once the drawing's done, I'll mention the winner in the very next blog entry - I'll also get in touch with you to find out what kind of flower you'd like - ring, necklace, pin, etc. 

So tell me, what's your TTC/TTCAL talisman?  What stands as a reminder of hope for you during this process?

Hope & Flower Headbands

I can't claim credit for this and I can't remember where I read it - but it stuck like hell:

Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope - but hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find the heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

A BFFN* yesterday morning left me in a serious funk - the kind where you feel you could fall apart and into hysterics at the drop of a pee stick.

*Yes, I know - not in the glossaryy. Let me assist here: BIG FAT FUCKING NEGATIVE.

The funk lasted for alot of the morning - but when I went to the bathroom, and examined myself in the mirror above the sink, I remembered - I was wearing my flower headband.

This tiny little metal frame with a tiny little wire mesh flower.  And that flower was like, "dude - don't you remember?

You're BAD ASS.  Nothing can conquer you - you're wearing a metal flower, for godsakes!"

And just like that - funkiness slowly backed down and away, all "Didn't meant to step on your toes - my utmost apologies!"

But now my stupid body's like, "let's REALLY try to mess with her and throw every symptom at her that we can!"

Aside from pinchy implantation-ish cramps around 5-6DPO, there's not a TON that make me think PREGNANT! PREGNANT!

Except: the utter exhaustion and fatigue smacked me in the face last night.  After a good, or at least TYPICAL, night's sleep, I walked in from work at 6:15, made dinner, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

And THEN: this morning's temperature? at 12DPO? (and JUST LIKE the bfp cycle?!)

It went up again.

And a typical not-pregnant post-ovulation trend?!

"hey nice chart - looks pretty Wonky!"

You can see where this all starts to mess with a girl's head...

I can remember right after BFF's CP (enough acronym's for you? wait there's more...)

The next month, her period was at least a week late but she was terrified to test.

I even had some digi. HPT's for her to use, but she would NOT touch them because they were the same brand that gave her positives for her CP. (I still don't understand this rationalism - the TEST caused your CP?)

Anyways - I can understand that Not-Wanting-To-Test thing.  It keeps hope alive for a little bit longer.  I will look back at this moment of hope from one of two places: 

either sobbing, clutching (and spilling) a glass of Pinot - hell, of Jack Daniels!

Or sobbing, clutching a +HPT.

But right now, at exactly 3 months from my d&c, there's hope... Worthless stinking, heart-breaking HOPE.

 Moments Captured 2012 copyright

... and then there was Texas

It's all bigger, and HOTTER, in Texas!!

Last Wednesday, E and I did the usual pre-vacation shpeal - basically staying up late entertaining our friends who were watching Rocco for us, and staying up even later to get packed the night before our flight.
So after about 3 hours of sleep (YES - enough to get a solid TTC temp!!) and at the ASS CRACK of dawn - literally: 3am - we got up and got ready to head to the airport.

Dropped the car, shuttled to the airport, and blearily loaded up on Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and caffeine and what a wise decision on the caffeine.

We landed in Texas and went straight out for margaritas - frozen and salted yummy-ness - before we even dropped our suitcases at the house!

And when we DID get to the house, we barely had time to throw on our swimsuits and head out to the pool for some good-natured *AHEM CUT THROAT* volleyball...

More drinks - plastic martini glasses... There's nothing that screams summer more!

 

And while HOME-home was a cool mid-seventies, home-away-from-home was rarely below 100 degrees after 11am...

We delved into summer memories...
(..."the ORIGINAL ice cream maker was a HAND CRANKED maker! We had to take turns because your arms would get so tired!"
... the price you pay for your dad helping with the motorized ice cream maker...)

















An era with homemade ice cream on your front stoop in summer, with hoop skirts and being pinned by your highschool sweetheart at homecoming, with drive-in movie dates and Bobby Darin on the car radio - I didn't want to leave!

An era that instilled marriage as a holy and lifelong union and commitment.  If you're wondering, this is what 31 years of marriage looks like:








(The second time EVER he has taken off his wedding band.)

(The first time was when he jammed his middle finger - the one all swollen and bent, never properly healed.)

((Stubborness and doctor-avoidance : another remainder of past eras.))

(((ok I'm done with parentheses.)))

We rounded out the trip with multiple volleyball games carried way into the night:

And a cavern exploration - did you KNOW that Texas used to be underwater?!

On the TTCAL side - I'm 10DPO.  *GULP*

That means I'm in testing range...
(We'll see how long I hold out...)

First, there was a birthday...

I know, I know - it's been almost a week...  I'll take a slap on the wrist like a big girl...

And it's only a quick prelude-post until I can get home and sort through aaaalll the pictures (although who knows when that may happen - this is just the MAIL that built up since Thursday!!)

But E and I had a fabulous time with family while we continued my birthday celebrations, we ended the trip with FirstClass travel (!) and are, honestly, quite glad to be out of the 100+ degree heat of central Texas!

(please don't fret, and please hang tight - there'll be so much more tonight!)



Another year, but Forever Young!

Usually, the older you get the smaller your birthday celebrations are.  I think it should be, the older you get - the BIGGER the celebration!

So begins my birthday week!

Sunday night, E had all of our friends and family over for a Birthday BBQ which was a major success, despite the weather's efforts to rain on my parade...

On my actual birthday, yesterday, E made me a seriously fluffy pancake breakfast, complete with fabulous lovey-dovey card.
















Don't forget the fruit!

I was relieved to finally get home to wine and berries later that night after a looong day at work - yes I had to work on my birthday, serious tragedy and yet just a #firstworldproblem...

And even though I'm SERIOUSLY slacking on the whole be-active-and-be-a-beach-body part of the buggy list, I DID NOT forget about the slinky-dress-night-on-the-town part!!!

Dinner...

Drinks...

and one Daring Dress...

Just Epic.

It's been a few days (GASP) since the last post, so I promise big rewards for patient followers!!

A really good friend from over at More Salt flew to NYC to come visit me over the weekend, and let me tell you, did we PAINT THE TOWN RED...

We left our first mark on the town of Seaside Heights, where E's family has a shore house, and where we promptly hit the ground running!


We packed in visits to the beach, the Shore Store, the Aztec AND Beachcomber for some sun, souvenirs, salty beers and salacious crab legs - in that order!

 




The best Girly drinks for girls night are of course, wrapped in girly labels - pink and black!





















And then we switched it up and went with boy colors, because everyone needs some balance! (we mostly just needed the hydration after a day of drinking in the sun!)

 

PHOTO TAKEN BY MORE SALT!

We then traipsed all over NYC:  The journey started in the Upper West Side at La Casa Muffin, and after fueling up at the famous Gray's Papaya, we trekked to Times Square (where we got caught up with the tourist-y vibe and paid SIXTEEN DOLLARS for two beers...)

That was followed by GroundZero and WorldTradeCenter, and then onto the Brooklyn Bridge.  We caught a subway back to Muffin's studio apartment just in time to get changed and rest briefly before heading out to dinner in Chelsea, where the waiter/host/WHOEVER was a hot little piece and verbally delivered the specials like they were sex on a plate... I needed a cigarette after we placed our order!

(Also, you will see no pictures from this time span because 1 - we were big time celebrating being in NYC with lots of wine and limoncello and cupcakes paired perfectly with pinot grigio which led to 2 - that we were WAY too busy living life to worry about recording the memories.  Some memories are better left fuzzy anyways...)

In fact, the next and only other shot I have from the Epic Visit is from a lazy Sunday in Central Park where, after sloughing through some nasty city heat and humidity, we enjoyed some post-hangover bagels and berries:

Delicious Post Script: The weekend was just what the doctor ordered - we commiserated and mourned our losses over some Blue Moons, and then bonded and became, what I'm SURE will be, life long friends.

Hey lady! Yea you - over at More Salt: 

Jersey and NY still don't know what hit 'em!

And you know what?

The marathon of life has handed off to us, on this relay leg at least, a complete shit stick for a baton -  and it was horribly bobbled - NEARLY DROPPED! - in the hand-off, to boot.  

But I sit and remember that there are multiple legs to a relay race - this one WILL end, and we WILL, at some point, be handed a bottle instead of a baton, and be blessed with the opportunity to run the Motherhood Leg.

And then I REALLY remember:

That's just it - it's not a destination you're trying to reach, and it's not a finish line you're trying to cross - it's ALL a journey.  

So sit back and enjoy the ride...

the Shock Factor

To start off with good news, my good blogger friend Wease, and soon to be IRL bestie, at More Salt is coming to visit for 4 days and arrives tonight!!  (I'm so freaking excited, I sit here at my desk at work, dancing like a 3rd grader on a Friday afternoon before a big sleepover!)

Every minute of every day is planned and scheduled with beach time, shopping, paddleboarding, martini time, NYC sight-seeing - and TONS of pictures - GET READY for an epic post on Sunday night from this most-likely exhausted gal!


But this morning turned VERY weird when the pregnant coworker came back into the office in tears.  Said she made an emergency doctor's appointment, she needed to go NOW, she was spotting and having really bad cramping.

I said OF COURSE! Go go, and I hope everything's ok.  And I sincerely meant that, cuz really - who the hell would really wish all of this on their worst enemy?

She text me within the hour to say she'd lost the baby, with a sad Android face, and that she'd be back in on Monday.

Me: "Oh I'm so sorry Asst... not a problem, take time to rest and heal..."

Her: "I go for a scrape on wednesday"

...

..

.

I'm sorry, WHAT?!

I sat and stared at my phone.  I couldn't believe she just said that.  A SCRAPE?!

Inner monologe begins:

Maybe that's what the doctor called it and she's just repeating it because she doesn't know that the term is "D&C."

But really? I don't think a doctor would say, "ok you'll need to schedule a scrape soon..."

So... maybe she's just angry and in shock.

But no, c'mon - even this is a little too much, coming from her... WHAT THE FUCK!?

I've decided to give her the benefit of the doubt - the shock and trauma obviously MUST have really hit her... but sometimes I wonder about people...

***

 

 It rained yesterday - and made cool spider webs catch and keep dew drops, just for me to photograph!

And lots of pretty green grass that caught the rest...

(and no, our lawn is NOT that long - it's some decorative long grass growing in our flower beds... bees or no, E is religious about keeping the lawn mown!)

So I stayed inside and got the ready for Wease to arrive, according to "Bunny Williams' Tips to Prep Your Home for Houseguests" from Country and Living!

Set out some nice flowers (dried counts right??)

Make sure your guest has a nice lamp to read by (just make sure there's oil in this antique hurricane lamp!)

And when I was done sprucing up (ok not much sprucing up was done - mostly took pictures - cleaning still to be done in the 2.5 hours until I run to the airport tonight) I rocked out in my haven: