As I Say, Not As I Do...

quickly, before I launch a fun "Right Now" episode - apparently now E is more set on moving than expanding our current house.

(looooong story shorter: we moved into town knowing the high school was NOT GREAT, but figured it was down the road / the town would succeed in pulling out of the NotGreatRegional high school / we weren't even PG yet, we'd worry about it later! 

But then we fell more in love with our street - a dead-end off of a dead-end! - and the neighbors, and the town, and the daycare (which is so conveniently in town!)

So then it was, ok if we can solve the high school issue - private? hope to send out of district? - then let's just expand these levels in this way, it'll add 2 bedrooms and a larger kitchen! DONE!)

But now, apparently E is leaning back solidly toward just moving... we're so envious of our friends with a huge FLAT backyard (I know, we redid part of our backyard a few years ago... but still...) and that's probably the only thing we can't really change about our house - the back is only walk-out-accessible from the basement... 

(oh wow, this is totally not quick.... anyways)

so I pulled up a house on Zillow yesterday, joking, "Hunnie I FOUND THE ONE!" for comparable price, given the area. (but it was pretty nice!)

and the first two things E says when I show him:

   1. "man, look - this kitchen has even less counter space than we do now..." (but it had an island!)

   2. "pretty small backyard" (not really, it's bigger than the section of yard we're using now!)

ANYWAYS - not that they may not have been true, but I simply said - "well how come the first things you say to a house have to be negative?"

and then he DRAMATICALLY shut my phone off (where he was looking at pictures of the house) and said, "oh god - no, we will NOT BE ABLE TO DO THIS (house hunt) if you're like THAT!"

like what?! DAFUQ?! I asked simply why he had all negative things to say, and then he flipped out - AND THEN CALLED ME IRRATIONAL/EMOTIONAL.

yea, no - eff that.   And what bugged me most about it - if the situation were reverse (if E had found a  house, and I picked it apart first thing) he would have said the same thing/had the same reaction... but I AM 'THE EMOTIONAL ONE.'

(so yesterday I skipped Button's hockey sesh and went to Joann Fabrics, got fabric to make myself a cardigan, the kids Xmas PJs, and some slouchy beanies. oh yea, I started sewing! LOL)

ANYWAYS. (Maybe I'll post the RightNow tomorrow..... this got out of hand.... lol)

I'll just do it all....

So when I have work, and hubby has work, I bring the kids to daycare.

(When I have work, I need to leave the house by 8:35 to drop kids at daycare and be at work by 9am. Hubby has to leave house by approx 7:12am to get to work by 9:30...)

Hubby catches a train (thanks to a recent move to Jersey City for his job. UGH) so he is more tied to a time table than I am.

(sign one that his 'on-time-ness' is more important than me being on time for MY job... -_- )

So when I am off of work (whether a very rare sick day, or playing hookie, or scheduled for xyz appointment) and hubby has work, I bring the kids to daycare.

Which entails getting myself up and presentably dressed even if I didn't have any obligations until later in the day...

So, on days like today - when I have work, and hubby is off (or 'working from home' which means he sits around and has coffee and breakfast and finally signs onto his computer a little after 9:30...) I still bring the kids to daycare.

In the past I've thought, Am I just crazy for not attempting to ask if he would mind bringing the kids - especially on days when we're running late and him bringing the kids means I can get to work ON TIME?!

Well I tried that this morning... hubby works from home today, didn't set an alarm. I must have missed mine, because I wake to hubby telling me, "It's eight-o-clock...." 

SHIT!

So then I mentioned, would he be able to bring Ms. Mack to daycare? (Button spent last night at Nana's house).

he hesitated before finally saying, I guess.

You guess?

I said, "well either that or get her ready and fed in the next TEN MINUTES that I need to leave!

He apparently would rather get her dressed (except he sat so long staring at little girl clothes, apparently befuddled. I mean - PANTS! SHIRT! SHOES AND SOCKS! that I finally had to step in and grab stuff.....) and then pack a breakfast (which I still had to adjust...) and then I was still walking out of the house five minutes late.....

SIGH.

TGIF

Reasons why I "Selfie"

Yes, I just made "Selfie" a verb...


I was recently pouring through the gazillion pictures I have of Ms. Mack and I (from snapchat, mostly... I mean, when she sees my SIL - the QUEEN of shapchat - Ms. Mack says, "Titi - sno-Chot!")

My husband has made fun of me before, and voices his disgust (yes, it's that strong) that his daughter already has a "selfie complex."   ...  -_-

But - the funny thing is, I don't really post them anywhere!! They're not plastered all over FBook, or even Insta - I maybe post stuff like, once every 8-9 days!

So why take all those photos and selfies (pictures AND videos) if not to SHOW OFF TO THE WORLD?!  (/endSarcasm)


There's some scientific thing going on with our brains that prevents us from remembering every.thing.
According to this site, 'memory is a "lossy" form (think jpeg) where certain features we believe are key are noted, and details are filled in as needed...'

In other words, a certain event (say, the pediatric orthopedic appointment when Ms. Mack got her permanent cast put on after BREAKING HER ARM FRIDAY NIGHT) gets logged with the most important details: the fact that we picked a pink cast with purple glitter, and the fact that yes, both the radius and the ulna were broken, and despite that - the fact that the cast only needed to stay on for 2.5 weeks (was he sure?! can we leave it on for an extra week just to be safe?!)

The rest of the details, upon trying to recall the day in five or ten years, would be just filled in at the moment - maybe we'd 'remember' that E played with a MinnieMouse doll to keep Ms. Mack entertained (when it was in fact an Elmo doll) or we'd 'remember' that we had to wait 30 minutes in the waiting room (when really it was over 45 minutes... partly our fault because we showed up 20 minutes early to the appointment....)

So that's Reason #1 for the pictures (selfies, or otherwise)
I mean, without these important photos, we might have eventually 'remembered' that we got a PURPLE cast with PINK glitter...

(good thing we got that straightened out for memory's sake...)



The scientific community also believes it's just basically damn near IMPOSSIBLE for a brain to remember evertyhing... the Quora site again states: If we did remember everything, we would likely drown in a sea of detail and be less effective.
Also (and Reason #2) sometimes the videos or pictures from a certain moment bring you so fully back to the emotions of that second...

hello, sweet napping baby-even-though-you're-starting-toddler-room-at-daycare-WAAAAAAH!

or the feelings you had during those few minutes:

fun park day, Button learned the game of TAG!

And this way with these memories recorded, you don't need your brain to remember on its own the small details that would overflow and overwhelm your system - you just gaze at those pictures, or watch that video (over and over and over and over....)

(well, maybe not that video you made with Mom and Grandma while in the backseat of a van, where - ahem - there may have been mobile-drinking, which definitely led to crazy cranking of volume to rock out to Jimmy Buffet's Fruitcakes in preparation for a talent show at the family reunion in Southern California... AHEM)

In other words, I take too many pictures to ever catch up and post here, so you're welcome for not inundating you with them; and in other news - Ms. Mack broke her arm Friday night, which E actually photographically documented because, alas - I was at home with Button while E and MIL took Ms. Mack to the urgent care clinic where they splinted her arm until her pediatric orthopedist appointment that we had Monday where the pink glitter cast made its debut (THAT appointment has absolutely zero pictures. IRONY!)

 (also. in more absolutely random news, I just noticed my work computer tower still had the protective plastic layer... love when that happens, you peel it off and it's BRAND NEW AGAIN!)

Here it comes.... VOMIT OF THE BRAIN!

Monday was my birthday...

I took Tuesday off, got my hair cut (first in 9 months) and colored (first in 5+ years...) I really appreciate that I don't have any grays (YET) to worry about, but sometimes a gal just needs some freshening up... I'm now a california bleach-blond surfer-girl.

Also.

I've gone "over to the dark side," as my co-worker puts it: I got Botox.

Those damn 11's...

another day or two until the effects will be visible, and meanwhile I'm just scrunching up and frowning into the mirror to check for results...



The summer's been busy, and I'm usually glad I just work year-round because then I don't have any back-to-work-panic come now (August); and I had two week-long vacations, but I could have used some more days off!

I did get an overnight trip in with some mom friends - we went down the shore on a gorgeous Saturday, got to beach it (uninterrupted - no "you need more sunblock, come here! Hey, STOP eating sand! Don't go running off to the water!!! DON'T EAT THAT CIGARETTE BUTT!!!")
Just nice calm beach reading and chatting.  And then we were basically too tired to party - a late dinner out on the boardwalk, a noble attempt at barhopping (one bar. one drink each.) and we headed back to the house for some mom-fun: vaping and coloring (LMAO)


We spent a Saturday with the family at a college graduation party up in Connecticut (kids did great on the 2-hour carride!)

We BBQ'd at the in-laws for Father's Day:

Ms. Mack had her 18-month appointment (is it awful? I don't remember her measurements... this is what I get for blogging about it so late....maybe 28lbs? maybe? but 50th for weight, and 50th for height! perfect girl!)

My (adopted) SIL graduated high-school (we only found out she'd be walking like, two days before ceremonies!! ugh)

(bee-tee-dubs: that jumper? was spotted with sweat so bad.... it was so warm that day... ugh)


We made it down the shore (finally!) as a family for the first time this summer:

I grew basil - quite successfully, in fact. (and from seed! ok - I'll admit, E did the in-doors germinating...)

My goal for my basil (and spearmint!) was to make delicious watermelon-basil and strawberry drinks like I've seen and tried from fancy drink menus.
My watermlon-basil aperitif was definitely refreshing and delish!



We spent a day at a lake, watching dark clouds get closer and closer until they broken open right over us, then quickly blew back out leaving sun for 10-15 minutes before returning with a vengeance, driving us to the movie theaters for the rest of the day...

which is when Button had his FIRST EVER MOVIE THEATER EXPERIENCE! (I mean, by default, Ms. Mack had hers too, but it's more exciting for Button - he was all, "I want to buy the ticket! I want to hand the ticket to the guy! I want to get popcorn!")
We saw Despicable Me 3 - he loved it, she only moved into my lap with 30 minutes left where she played with toys and ate graham crackers.
SUCCESS!

We rounded out the first half of July with watermelon and waterplay on warm sunny days:

Second Session:

And of course, let's not forget the day I had work, E was off, and the daycare was closed. So I get home, we're doing dinner (grilling burgers) and while Ms. is in my lap, I start noticing SHIT (figuratively) IN HER HAIR... I ask E - "what do you guys do today?!" and he's all, shrug - "McDonald's, the play place, a store..."

of course I'm all, "It's LICE!! WHAT DO WE DO?! WE HAVE TO FLEA-BOMB THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! BLEACH EVERYTHING!!!!!" and even started making rounds, stripping both kids' beds of sheets and their million stuffed animals, grabbing hats they'd worn that day, ANY AND ALL CLOTHING that was sitting out in their room!

And then E says - "OH! I forgot!! We went to the lake today.... and Button was throwing dirt at Ms. Mack...."

WED- NESS- DAY

How I always had to say the word out loud to learn to spell it correctly (and I probably still whisper it in my head as I type it...)

Wed

Nes- Day


It's been awhile... How have you gals/(guys?!) been?!

It's still officially spring (first day of summer is June 21st and exactly TWO WEEKS AWAY!) and it's back to cool weather here (60s and lots of rain).

Boo - because I need to wear my fabulous new shoes I just scored at the thrift store last night! (hemp/cork platform wedges. so cute. but so summery)

I also scored some great whimsical dresses and hope to be able to try my hand at altering kind of like these awesome pinspirations:

I've got an old plain white (maternity) tank that the hem has come undone, it's been waiting by my sewing machine...
I also got a cute ready-to-wear dress (it's a shift on me. too short for work lol but would totally look cute with leggings and knee-high boots come winter!) that I'm wearing to work today...

Also.
that whole Reading challenge? I'm still reading (a TON) - but I just cannot keep up with what category, and when it was finished, and what I read next - I'm getting emails daily from BookBub that have cheap ($0.99-$2.99) as well as FREE e-books, I probably add 3-5 books a week to my nook.
So just ignore the categories, as of today I've read 41 books (and I'd created a challenge on goodreads (check out my challenge profile here!) to read 50, so I'm "20 books ahead of schedule." LMAO
(I'm also currently reading two books... " 'S' is for Stranger" by Louise Stone and "Return of the Soldier" by Rebecca West (check it out here on this awesome e-library!)
((yes, I'm still writing my book - 'TINCAN'... the pace has slowed a bit... hopefully I can get some done today... while at work... lmao))




The craziness that has been BuggyListLife the last few weeks:

week of May 7th - E was in SanFrancisco from M-Thursday.  I survived the week...


week of May 14th - Mother's Day (big sha-bang out with entire IL family followed by desserts and coffee at IL's house)
Wednesay - my parents arrived from Texas (Uber got them from Newark airport to my empty house around noon... I tried to haul ass out of work but didn't leave until 2:30/3pm...)
next two days (Thurs-Fri) I battled non-working computers, dentist appointments, and last minute work to try and get home and hang with my parents. enjoyed the weekend with them - got them set up with projects to do the following week... because....


week of May 21st - Monday morning E and I boarded a flight to TURKS & CAICOS.  Three Whole NIGHTS - KID FREE! We drank mostly all day (mimosas at breakfast, then pina coladas by the pool/beach, champagne in the room while getting ready for dinner, then (2/3 nights) sake with sushi and harder drinks with dinner...
Thursday afternoon, we showered and got ready to go at the departure lounge.  Got to T&C airport with more than 2 hours to spare (-_-) and flew to Ft Lauderdale, FL with no issue to catch a connecting flight to Newark 2.5 hours later. Except, before we'd even taxied to the gate in FL, E learned our next flight had been delayed 3 additional hours - so, ok - we can do this - a 4.5-5 hr layover... we weren't picking up the kids until Friday morning anyways.
Except THEN the flight was CANCELLED 45 minutes before scheduled departure. Waited in line at Jet Blue desk... E got on phone and rebooked a flight on United from a DIFFERENT airport (West Palm Beach - 45 minutes away)
Nearing midnight - we got to the desk, ultimately got a refund for the cancelled leg of our journey, and booked an  Uber ("Mike" - formerly of Brooklyn - was our driver!) and arrived at WPB Airport around 1:45am - for a 6am flight.  Why bother getting a hotel, right?
Snoozed outside ticketing/security for a few hours until they opened - fought with them about a checked bag (United now has something called "basic economy" where you don't even get to bring on a CARRY-ON besides your teeny tiny purse?!
arrived in Newark.  Finally got former-carry-on-Rollerboard-Suitcase from t he baggage claim, took the AirTran to the right terminal where my parents had left our car the previous day when THEY flew out - only to discover, as we approached the revoling doors - that E had left my suitcase on the Airtrain.

An unattended bag.
in an airport.

Thankfully, we caught the agent at the AirTran stop just in time - they radioed, found the bag - let it ride the train around. (They had been "this close" to SHUTTING DOWN THE ENTIRE AIRTRAN.)

Finally, almost 21 hours after catching the airport shuttle in Turks & Caicos, we pulled up to our house. took an hour a half - showered, mostly left our bags packed - just refreshed underwear, etc - packed for the kids, grabbed the dogs, grabbed the kids from MIL's house - and we took off for 2 nights in the Poconos....


Yup. you read that right.
#JetSetterLife

Enjoyed two days there of chilly weather, but an indoor water park at the nearby lodge helped (as did the hottub and pool table on the vrbo property!)




week of MAY 28th - we drove back home on Sunday, during which E text a few friends and scheduled an impromptu BBQ for the next day, Memorial Day.
(yes. again, you read that right. we're a bit masochistic socially...)

had a BBQ which turned into an indoor thang b/c of the cold weather - so too many people crammed into the living room/kitchen (thankfully my ILs just like to turn on the TV at social gatherings (-_-) and so they parked on the couch, out of the way.... lol)

We spent last week getting back to our regular programming and the weekend was our usual "low-key" - playdate on Saturday, our divorced friend (Mr. PotatoHead) came and spent Saturday night, and then we went to my SIL's yoga-teacher-certification graduation on Sunday followed by dessert and drinks at a local restaraunt.

you know.

low-key...



upcoming - Mom's (over)Night Out! going DTS this Saturday with two friends - sans ANY children (or any responsibilities!) and I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!

(also. PICTURE DUMP to follow later!)

f*ck Wednesdays... LOL

whatever. 

It's Thursday, but I need to post a Reading Challenge update, but it won't be much of an update because I've been writing in my free time; except I hit a slump starting last Friday - not necessarily a block, since the entire novel is outlined already, but just felt blah about getting back on the computer after spending all day on one at work.

I knew I wouldn't write over the weekend, but then it carried over into this week... Tuesday night I fell asleep on the couch really (embarrassingly) early, and only woke to slog upstairs and fall back into bed. (I felt amazing yesterday after all that sleep!)  

And I've been doing well with a work-out goal/commitment - this 7-minute workout video I found on pinterest which I did Sunday night in addition to time on the elliptical, Monday night, (slept Tuesday night), my hot yoga class was Wednesday night, and I hope to do the 7-minute video (+eliptical) every day I'm not at yoga! IT'S ONLY SEVEN MINUTES lol

I want to be bikini-ready in 17 days! because, I mentioned - we're going to Turks & Caicos on the 22nd, ALONE AND WITHOUT CHILDREN and it's our first trip without kids and I'm really freaking excited to sit on the beach/by the pool with a book, have drinks served to me, and not worry about: toddlers going near the pool, who is thirsty and needs juice/water, this one needs a change because she pooed in her swim diaper, that one needs to GO poop on the potty, this one needs to go down for a nap (2 hours in the room, ugh) and they both are eating like BIRDS HOW ARE YOU SURVIVING THIS WEEK?!

So. 

I'm very excited.  It's only three nights, but I think that's the perfect amount of time because I'll miss those little faces by the time we touch down in T&C on day one...

We'll more than make it up, because after we return (Thursday night around midnight) we'll pack up the kids and head to the Poconos on Friday to spend two nights (Memorial Day weekend!) in a house there (VRBO!) which has an outdoor hot tub (for AFTER the kids go to bed! unless it heats up/cools down quickly, then we can use it as a pool for them during the day...) and a grill on the deck, and a playground less than 1/4 mi away and a lake to rent boats and it will be a lot of fun / exhausting.

We'll come home Sunday and probably do NOTHING all day Monday... (I really hope the weather is nice that weekend!)

The craziness actually begins the 17th of this month when my parents arrive from TX - they'll be house/dog/baby-sitting while we're in T&C, but they'll be here for a few days before we leave so we can all hang out and catch-up/party. 

And tonight, E is going straight from work into NYC for a Rangers hockey game, so it's me with the kids, and I'm already mentally exhausted because Button is at MIL's house so I have to drive three towns over to pick him up and then head back to our town to get Mack from daycare (or vice versa?) and I would really like to avoid rush hour traffic that bogs down the route between MIL's house and ours so I'm hoping to leave work early... 

Whew.

oh oh and oh, sad news - E's cousin (one I've never really mentioned, but she has a son about Button's age, maybe just a month or two younger, and to my understanding was one-and-done because she had a horrible pregnancy and gets terrible migraines and couldn't take anything for them during her pregnancy, and her and DH are rocky and he left for a few weeks before they had their son, anyways) 

this cousin, E just told me this morning, had a pregnancy and had to run into the ER last week with pains and it ended up being ectopic and she had to have surgery...

(in his words: "she had to have emergency surgery because a pregnancy developed like, in this tube instead of where it's supposed to be..."   -_- )

So, send healing vibes for her and hubby...

So yea,

Maybe I'll do a reading update tomorrow...

Continued Validation

So you remember fBFF, right?
for any newer readers/stalkers, that's former BestFriendForever... we were close the first few years I lived in NJ - served as each other's maid of honor, watched Grey's Anatomy together weekly with wine, shopped together in thrift stores, all that good stuff like texting a million times a day and emailing back and forth at work...

and then this happened:
she got a positive HPT, yet two days later tested negative at the doctor and had a chemical pregnancy.
I came over, brought the bags of candy, fun nail polish colors, and was just there for her.

two weeks later, I got my very first positive HPT.

three weeks later, fBFF got her sticky BFP...

aaaaaand about five weeks after that, the missed miscarriage was diagnosed and I had to have a D&C.

I ranted (at the time) about the stupid shit she said to me...
shit like "it was God's intention" (she's not even religious.)

and "you didn't want to be gross and fat and hot this summer..." (my EDD would have been November 30th) ((oh and let's not forget she was pregnant at the time - she obviously thought it was fine for herself to be gross and fat and hot that summer...))

and then I tried to explain/complain that we were medically advised to wait 2-3 cycles after the D&C surgery before we could try again.
And she was all, "Well, next April would be a very nice time to have a baby!" (to which I mentally responded, hours later, "NO, this November would have been a fucking nice time to have a baby")


Re-reading these old posts of mine, remembering that she had once asked me if I was avoiding her because she was pregnant (and I wasn't...) and recalling that I had eventually responded with an email that took some time to compile:
I still love you and am excited for you, but to be bluntly honest, a few of the last texts you sent, about "just be glad I don’t have to be fat this summer," and that "April/may is a good time to have a baby" kinda hurt me… Obviously I still value our friendship, I just needed some time off.. and I hope this came across when I first said it, but I am very sorry to hear about your cousin..

I totally got reaffirmation that pulling back from that 'friendship' was the best decision to make for me.  Validation even more when, on my birthday that summer - still not pregnant again yet (I think we were just barely post-O in our first TTCAL cycle... one that ended in a BFN) - and she text me, not Happy Birthday, but that they found out - THEY'RE HAVING A BOY! SQUEE!  -_-



And then, perusing through more old emails from that summer, I came across a conversation with a kettle-bell instructor (I had taken a kettle-bell boot camp a few weeks before the very first BFP, and then had not signed up for the next class).

*****
Trainer: 
Just wanted to see how everything is going and when was the due date again?

ME 
(after taking a lot of time trying to figure out how best to respond without making him feel like a shit for asking):
"Thanks for checking in with everything. I really appreciate it but unfortunately, we lost the heartbeat at 3 months... We're just working on fixing up things at the new house (moved in December) and adopting a new dog, keeping busy!

Trainer: 
I'm so sorry to hear that... :(
I'm debating putting in another class on Thursdays. Would you be interested in coming back? I'd really like to have you on board
******


How perfect a response.  He didn't avoid addressing it, he didn't dance around and ignore that line in my email about what happened. He gave a kind and succinct "I'm so sorry."

How is it that a thirty-some-year-old man handled it better than someone I once considered a best friend?  How did that female friend, one who had just experienced a CP weeks before, botch things and shove her foot in her mouth so horribly?

Because irreparable damage was done... and in situations since then, I have been reaffirmed in my decision to remove myself from that friendship.



Thank god there have been other phenomenal friendships that developed from May of 2012, and for those I will be forever grateful!




PostScript (because it's so much fancier than "P.S.")
IUD check on Tuesday went well - it's still in place (good thing!) except - I've had some heavier/clottier spotting today and yesterday.
Dafuq?

How am I going to wear a bikini in Turks & Caicos in four weeks?!
(Have I told you we're going?!?!??!?!?! EEEEEEEE!!!! WITHOUT KIDS TOO!!)

randoms

Yesterday, I almost got caught in a cell phone trap while on the road... apparently an "undercover" guy - not even in a car!! - "caught me with a phone in hand."
Dude - I only ever look at my phone while stopped at red lights... I didn't say that to the cops when they directed me into a parking lot down the road (the first cop radioed to these guys...)
I just said, "oh gosh - seriously, I'm usually very good at not being on it - he must have seen me just moving it from my lap to the cup holder..."
and they noted I had no points on my license (no violations - speeding tickets, moving violations, etc) and let me off with "just a warning..."




I continued on to my dentist appointment (a filling cracked two weeks ago)
the good news?  the tooth had no decay past what was already drilled out, it just needs a crown (and not a root canal as I feared...)
the bad news? I was being fitted with that mouth guard thing filled with goop to make molds for making the crown...
and when the dentist pulled the mold off, it pulled off my front crown (one that Ms. Mack had knocked off a few months back - with my cell phone -_-)

the really bad news? the dentist then dropped the crown on the floor...

(it was cleansed thoroughly and re-installed... ugh)





I crushed it at CarKaraoke this morning - HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!




Before crooning in the car, I ducked into Walgreens (once again, in the craziness of setting up the housekeeper (day #2! so excited!) and getting kids dressed & shoe'd this morning, I dashed out of the house without brushing my teeth, so I decided to buy brush and paste for work...)

At the checkout, I put my micro-chipped Amex into the card reader, and then cashier (cute guy) goes, "You can take it out now..."

And in my head I thought, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!





I've got 9 chapters completed of TinCan... about 40 chapter-book-style pages.
I write about a page at a time - and "working on TinCan" also involves researching.  A LOT... thesaurus, dictionary, medical pages, etc. So I spend about an hour or so, and have only actually written 6-7 paragraphs...
This stuff is tedious!

But I do a bit each day, and cannot WAIT until it's finished... SO FREAKING EXCITED!

Reporting from your local Starbucks....

Listen - I'm usually a dunkin-kinda-gal... (medium french vanilla - skim milk - 2 sugars!) but I'll occasionally hit up Starbucks for a fun treat... (tall green tea latte... or skinny vanilla latte) and each time I visit the green mermaid, the college students (notepads, laptop & highlighters spread out) and the writers (coffee. laptop - usually on facebook or other writers-block-distraction) and the small business owners (calculators, quickbooks open...) catch my eye.


I feel like if I had the attention span, I could be an author. But I hated a certain writing class in highschool mostly because the teacher made us draft. and draft, and re-draft and DRAFT AGAIN.  And I like(d) to write off the cuff and edit along the way, and usually my "first draft" IS my final draft...

But today, I'm going to pretend and role-play....

See, I'm sitting at my neighborhood Starbucks - cafe breakfast sandwich half eaten, green tea latte empty, and a cup of yogurt (perfect art tableau for instagram, if I did that kind of stuff! lol) - waiting for my car to be done at the Kia service department (oil change - THOUSANDS of miles overdue - and some recall maintenance... something about anti-corrosive spray they want to put on the undercarriage... which E explained to Button this morning as, "Mommy's car is starting to fall apart, so they want to put this special spray on it." and then as I was later loading kids up in the car, Button said - "Mom. you better drive FAST to that place, your car is going to fall apart!!")



Anyways - I've also been fighting a cold the past two days - I would have called out sick yesterday had the biller/assistantt not already called out, and had I not already scheduled today off.  I left work about 1.5 hours early yesterday to get some true rest before picking kiddos up at 5:20.

Well - this morning I packed my laptop (ancient old thing from Inspiron that weighs like 20+ lbs...) and a bottle of water (I ain't paying for that sh*t at starbucks. free water > bougie water) and I've been working for the past hour from Starbucks (which conveniently will make up for yesterday afternoon).



and - well, maybe - now that I've finished with work for the day, maybe I will take a stab at writing! (HA - maybe 5 years from now I'll be the next STephenie Meyer and will be interviewing and be like, "It all started when my car needed service at the Kia dealership!")



But for now - a quick rant from Sunday that I penned while in bed (cathartic to get it out before I even put my feet down for the day! lol):


I believe that, thanks to evolution or some bullshit like that, that men are ingrained -they have it in their fucking CODING to think they get a free pass or pardon from child rearing for 95% of the time.
Because they're the hunter-gatherer or some shit.

Well maybe we need another round of evolution influenced mainly by the (relatively/in the last million years) new thing where mothers are working full time, where they are "hunter-gatherers" too.

I mean- maybe this deep instinctive feature is only in MY husband.
Because he seems to be evolved to a state where, because he's the male - and hunts/gathers a bit extra (his websites and side businesses which - lets be honest are his HOBBIES as well,and earn him $$ thousands $$ - as opposed to scrubbing dirty dishes and washing/ folding load after load of clothes which earn me only whatever money was found in pockets ($25.and it was my own money) ) he expects "his woman" to handle it all.


But then - and here's the real kicker!- he had the nerve, last Sunday after an unusual laid back weekend with us all home , to suggest that we take turns on Sundays- "maybe I'll take them for a few hours so you can 'get your stuff done or do your own thing' and then you take them for a few hours so I can 'do my thing'."

😑

Despite the fact that 'my own thing' would consist of fucking chores, and not sitting around reading and eating bon bons - and 'his own thing' would be his HOBBY which earns him mad money - this is all even MORE ironic because on average, every other weekend I've got both kids with me out shopping or at yoga and lunch - leaving E alone for HOURS.


The IRONY especially is that yesterday, I firstly let him asleep til TEN AM. And then had Button at Walmart from 11 til 2 (Mack slept from 1230-245!!) And then I took them both to a play date/mom date at my friend Dee's house-  and we didn't get back until 7:30!!!



How much fucking more of a break do you want???

And do I not deserve one at all? (Even if just to have a chance to wash YOUR dirty clothes and dishes you don't seem to pick up after yourself????)





/end rant








Off to start the next great American novel.
;)

a whole lotta nuthin'... and AF..

So... I've been a bit spotty in blogging lately, and can't even quite blame busy life when I sit at a desk all day and still have the same available time to blog (time when I should be working, but need a break from the mind-numbing spreadsheets/numbers/census data I've been working on...)

I think it's just because - well - I feel like I don't have much to say lately... this was such a great outlet after we lost our first pregnancy at 11.5 weeks (omg almost FIVE YEARS AGO) and tried to keep busy while TTA...

And then it was the perfect place to come and bitch on CD1, and analyze/agonize over the TWW and crazy/imagined symptoms while TTC our Button...

And then it was somewhat lifestyle - Making Things Monday, Wardrobe-Wednesdays, Carride Chronicles... a Reading Challenge... having fun with a growing little boy...

And I quickly fell back into the swing of things as we began TFAS to bring us Ms. Mack...


But now, here we are.  A family of four that may or may not* be done with kids...
*(if you ask E, he's done - thanks his lucky stars that we were blessed with two healthy children - and wants to quit while we're ahead...... ***even though, you know - we're 2 for 3...)

but if you ask me? (which people frequently do... and what business is it of theirs?!?!)

If you ask me, I don't feel done... in the sense that I look back at pictures of Ms. Mack as a pink, twitchy mewling newborn and think, I want that again!!!
I remember what-felt-like-constant nursing (which of course, at the time could be inconvenient - OMG I just want to get through this store and get home before she needs to nurse... but now I'm like, WHIP IT OUT ANYWHERE! Girl's gotta eat!) I remember that and think, I miss that!!! ((I also miss the being off of work and being able to nurse 'round the clock... but the pumping at work? NO THANK YOU))

Anyways - I'm not convinced we're done.


So, here we are, a family of four FOR NOW... And what do I blog about?

I feel like I've just now begun to master the juggling of work, laundry, dishes, play time, personal time (what is that?!) and time with my husband - there's no time for anymore Lifestyle...
(well, yes - I'm still wearing clothes on Wednesdays... but by the time I think to take a picture, I've been in PJs for over an hour already... and the closest I get to MakingThings now is when I make dinner - and half the time it's pre-seasoned meats from the butcher that I just chuck in the oven and serve with frozen vegetables (defrosted and cooked, of course))


Anyway - I thought I'd have this neatly segued into getting my first AF and setting up an appointment for an IUD, but - I have no clue how that went originally in my head...

I got AF for the first time last Thursday (since MARCH 2015!!! (excluding the postpartum bleeding a year ago)) and realized I wasn't making birth control a high-priority to-do because I was pretty sure I wasn't ovulating (while nursing).

But over the last month, we've dropped to nursing twice a day (upon waking in the morning and before bed at night).  I kept that up through our trip to Texas at Christmastime (mostly to make sure the flights went smooth (and they did - just kept sticking a boob in her mouth! lmao) and to keep a semblance of routine while traveling...)
The first full week back to work after the holidays, we dropped our morning session (omg totally left us with a precious extra 10-15 minutes each morning!)
Somewhere along there, my hormones triggered and I must have ovulated (thank goodness we played it safe and E pulled out during NYE sex!!!!!) because last Thursday morning, as we were getting ready, I wiped after peeing and was like,  wait - wha....... is tha- HOLY SHIT!

So - now that I AM ovulating, it is high time to see about birth control - also because, for possibly the first time since getting pregnant with BUTTON, I feel like I have my "normal" sex drive back! OMG PRAISE JEEBUS FINALLY!!!

IUD consult appointment is made for next Thursday! (even though I've done a decent amount of research, and polled and read through opinions on facebook (ha!) and have pretty much settled on the Mirena...)
And the nurse said they wait until during AF to insert (yeck really?) so hopefully timing will work out perfectly, and I'll be ready to get it come next AF!

(I also dusted off old Fertility Friend to at least just chart right now for the sole purpose of knowing when to wear black pants and underwear in expectation of AF each month... lol)


Here's to worrying about period underwear again!

(have to admit - it's kind of weird/NICE to have AF back again and it just be "another thing" versus RUNNING MY LIFE for years of TTC and TTA and TTC-AL...)

Philosophical Friday - Alternate Universes

If you happen to be a baby-loss mom reading the blog, please don't read this... I don't want it to be misinterpreted, or misunderstood for something other than gratitude being expressed - but even that will probably leave a sour taste - being grateful that it didn't happen to me...
But I feel like I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I feel a little dramatic and silly about it, but I want to get it out and into ink (a typed screen anyway)...

so.
You've been forewarned, I guess... 



This past spring, I discovered that a mom from my "birth month board" for Ms. Mack (Dec 2015) had delivered her daughter stillborn...

Late last summer and fall, months and weeks before our EDDs, a slew of December moms ooh'd and aah'd over a beautiful nursery she designed for her daughter - custom-made and hand-painted dresser the shining glory that she had spent hours on... we chimed in about matching fabrics and colors.

Yet less than a week after we welcomed Ms. Mack to the world, she was having to push her still daughter out...


I believe there will forever be a divide between baby-loss moms and non... between pregnancy-loss moms and non... I think that there's a divide even between even PG- and baby-loss moms...

I do not know what it's like to deliver a quiet baby... but having been living in the "alternate universe" of "Bad Things That Happen" ever since finding out our first baby's heart beat stopped around 12weeks gestation, I do know that These Bad Things can happen to anyone - that in another alternate universe, I could be planning annual memorials instead of birthdays...

Am I in the blissful alternate universe of Birthday-Planning because - well, not because I went to the doctor anyway despite feeling silly, but because - really, I got lucky?

Not to get all existential, but - well, I know shit happens.

And I can't help but think and realize how easily I could be the one preparing for the second-to-worst 2 months of my life - a round of holidays without a piece of my heart, only to lead up to the one year anniversary...

What separates us, besides a chance wrapping/tangling of an umbilical cord? Besides a freak infection? Besides any of the hundreds of causes of stillbirth??



One thing I've thought about a lot - Button was (double) footling-breach... not life-threatening (not in this day and age) but definitely something that could have become dangerous during a vaginal delivery.  So a c-section was scheduled...
Then, there came a point that I was suspicious of my water leaking.  Dr. Google said that risk of infection becomes very high 24 hours after the amniotic sac breaks... and so I started counting on my hands and calculated - I was about 60 hours from a scheduled c-section...
I felt silly calling the next morning, because then the nurse told me the doctor advised going to L&D to get checked... and the whole time I'm driving to the hospital, I'm thinking of a friend's similar story - after all that, she'd peed herself... They're going to tell me I'm the crazy neurotic first-time mom (maybe more neurotic because  -"First-Time-Mom with Second-Pregnancy")

Yet...

Something made me call... something in my head was saying, it's just not worth it to play that game.  Feel silly... Call the doctor, have them strip you down to a hospital gown and then let you get dressed again and return to work...
((and we all know where this went... a cervical check after a time of regular contractions presented the doctor with "a foot... oh that's a foot, right there!"))

Alternate Universes - I imagine that there's just a thin, not-quite-visible shimmery film that separates parallel stories, branches where life veers off...


Like a Universe where, instead of taking advantage and going in to L&D two days early with Ms. Mack, I went back home and continued experiencing contractions - until a uterine rupture (a risk after prior c-sections, and a fear I had that influenced my decision re: a VBAC.  Yes, it's a teeny chance of happening, less than or around 1%... But I've been there before, falling into the 0.5-1.5% of women who experience a miscarriage after detecting a healthy heartbeat at 8-9 weeks gestation...)

ADDED: oh my GOSH how did I forget about Ms. Mack's bad first APGAR of 5?! and the fact she needed "resuscitation" according to our hospital bill! Another fork into another Universe... 

It's another alternate life that I feel like I can see, a glint & glimmer here and there, especially as I follow the fellow Dec 2015 mom and her mourning...


anyways.  Enough philosophical waxing... that's what I've been thinking about from time to time...

And if you're a BLM that made it this far, I'm sorry if you read the above as, Maybe if you had gone in a day earlier, you could be in The Alternate  Universe too! because I have a feeling you blame yourself enough - even though YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

*~*~*~*~*~*

We're on day two (out of four) of E being out of town - got out of the house on time this morning (YAY! It helped that today's PJ day at daycare... Button had to put dry ones one (wet the bed THROUGH his nighttime diaper) but I just kept Ms. Mack in her clean sleeper! WIN!) and we should have a quiet evening tonight - maybe we'll stop by the ice cream parlor right after daycare for a rare treat!

Tomorrow is my TribeTime - a bunch of moms and babies are coming over for a playdate/craft day! We'll be inside due to inclimate weather, let's see how messy we can get the living room and house ;)

(AND OMG today, in my Universe, Ms. Mack is 10 months!! Coming up next a 10-month check-in... for a little smush-ball I'm thankful for every day that I have the chance to post about...)

a little bit of rambling...

(This is going to be kind of a rambling post, to get some stuff blogged about before I write up Ms. Mack's 6 MONTH UPDATE!)


It wasn't until I became a STM - but somehow a switch was thrown, time started going faster and faster...

 (The Time Machine)

I mean, I'd already seen first hand how fast time flies...

Even looking at the past three years, I absolutely cannot believe how fast the past six months have flown by...

Funny pump story - I recently had to use sterile sample cups at work to store pumped milk after failing to bring enough bottles (good problem to have! - I brought 3 bottles for 2 pump sessions - but I pumped so much that morning that combined it wouldn't fit in one 5oz medela bottle!)

 (Yes, still BF/pumping and going strong!) I've dropped to two pumps a day (11:30am and 2:30pm) and so far, so good! With the "go ahead" for more food - I am tentatively excited and sure we'll make it to the WCM switch in three months!
Such a big difference from this post, where I hung up the flanges and packed up the pump - OH SO HAPPY to see it go, after pumping round the clock, mechanically, for months!


A recent weekend I went to a "baby food class" at a local Pottery Barn Kids, where a "baby chef" came and talked about purees, best vegetables/foods to make, apparently how a baby's ready for solids at THREE MONTHS (poor preggo FTM asked, and was told by this "baby chef" that babies could start solids then... DAFUQ???!?!?!)
I didn't learn anything new (good thing it was a free course!) but it was fun to have the cute "live taste-tester" to feed peas and mangos to!

That night I also got to have a Mom's Night Out with moms from the weekly BF support group I used to go to... my BF/BFF tribe!
While drinking about $90 worth of martinis (per girl!) we chatted about our babies (all within about 45 days of each other!) and our cool "tricks" (um, hello to shooting streams of breast milk! somehow we all discovered that the husbands just don't get it... "no, I do not want to see something cool...")



Lately, Button has been on a "car goes by itself" kick - I have a remote start on my car, and when he was playing with my keychain once, I said "be careful, if you push the wrong button, the car starts/goes by itself!" and he hasn't dropped it since...
Well we passed someone out jogging on our drive home from daycare, and Button asks, "Why is that lady running? Because her car go by itself??"

SIL and I recently tried SUP yoga...

 and wouldn't you know - after falling into the lake once (and accidentally pulling SIL in with me - our boards were tethered to the same anchor lol) I totally rocked the pose pictured middle above (not our actual picture)
I held that wheel pose better than I ever have in the studio!! (hot yoga tonight - hopefully I can give a repeat performance!)


And one last random blurb - last week we spent three days (two nights - and not enough time!) at Woodloch Pines Resort, an all-inclusive family resort in the Poconos... we opted to stay in one of the guest "homes" (versus the hotel-style rooms at the main lodge) located a mile or so from the lake at Woodloch Springs... two bedrooms and two bathrooms (plus fireplace, kitchen and dining room!) were perfect for our family - and cheaper due to a June-mid-week-sale!!!

We had an awesome time at their indoor/outdoor splashpad/pool area - the outdoor was heated, and had a max depth of 15" or so (was even still attended by a lifeguard) so it was perfect for Button to play in while we sat and soaked up some sun in the lounge chairs...
And with SO MUCH to do, the two full days we had were nowhere NEAR enough time to hit it all (next time on our hope-to-be-annual vacation: bumper boats and zip-lining for sure!)


So here we are, the second official day of summer, and celebrating Ms. Mack's 6 month "half-birthday!" (ack, yes. time... FLYING...)