Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Day 1 on the foreign planet...

I'm 1week post d&c after a missed miscarriage.  I think that's as foreign a planet as you get. 

My first pregnancy after trying for 6+ months, and starting at 10 weeks I started getting those "gut instincts" that something wasn't right.  How you can get those during your first pregnancy, I don't know.  I don't know what it's "supposed" to feel like, because hey - doesn't every woman experience it differently?

I'm staring at the lingering bruise from the d&c IV, and I remember that quote, "Hindsight's 20/20."  I look back and remember thinking around 9 weeks, huh. I don't think I've been up past 9pm since my BFP and look here, it's almost 11!  I look back and remember thinking a few days later: Ok, so that's kind of weird... I haven't seen a clump of hair that big since Chewy was too drunk to drive home and had to shower the vomit off... Chewy, good times. But my hair should be not falling out right now..


At the risk of sounding like Alanis Morrisette and her thousand spoons, I didn't buy maternity clothes until recently.  They arrived the night before the ultra-sound, during which hope pounded in my chest, and the tech kept saying "hold on just one more minute honey."  After 10 minutes of her sighing, and ominously reaching over to snap off her ipod that was providing Bon Jovi-esque elevator/sono music, she finally spit out, "K, I'm sorry to say I don't have good news for you.."   Just five minutes earlier, the pessimist had come out and kept saying in my head, It's over.  You better prepare yourself now, it will be easier when she says the words.  Listen, if it was good news, she would have put you of your misery as soon as she put that awful wand in your Va-jay-jay.

I'm trying not to always be drinking from a half-empty glass, but I can't help but think - if you expect and plan for the worst, you can only be pleasantly surprised, right?  RIGHT?

The next thought I had, after she said the words I'll never forget, was that I didn't want to have to tell my husband.  He had been so excited when we got pregnant, and I loved when he'd said a week before the ultra-sound, "my barefoot pregnant wife is cooking me dinner, what's better?"

and I NEVER cook.  I say never and mean never.  I caught Taco shells on FIRE on the oven.  They produced 8 inch flames and thank god my husband is a firefighter, because otherwise I'd be redesigning a brand new kitchen paid for by insurance right now...

The sono tech and I bonded after she told me immediately that she'd miscarried at 5 months... 25 years ago. 10+ years before I had even thought of birth control and "TTC" and chemical pregnancies and miscarriages... I will be forever grateful that she shared her story with me..

She kept asking - Do you want us to call your husband? And I remember saying, I just want to give him a little bit more time to be blissful and think everything's ok...

As soon as he arrived and walked back to the room I was in, I felt like what had happened was written all over my face.  So when he hugged me and said, it's ok - what's happened -  I could barely get out the words... I said "it's no good."  Wasn't making alot of sense there... I guess I could understand his confusion...

I hated to say the words, but when he finally heard "no heartbeat," he held me at arm's length and looked at my face and said, WHAT??

After it sunk in, I remember him saying "OH MY GOD" so loudly that I was worried for .0001 seconds whether the nurses in the office next door could hear him.  And then it was just us... the two of us... after almost 3 months of it being three of us... We cried and cried.  And cried some more when we heard that a d&c was required.  I had already taken the day off of work - like I said, I'd almost expected the bad news... Almost.  

The beginning of the end had started.

1 comment:

  1. reading your story broke my heart. I can't imagine finding out so suddenly. I'm glad to read that you are pregnant again, and I hope time has healed your heart.