I should be in Vegas with these odds...

As anyone who's had a loss will tell you - as time goes on, you have more good days than bad.  But the bad days are still there - like when I read an article (see below!) that sends me stumbling back into the first few days afterwards and the endless "why me????"


I've always felt like I never win anything - raffles, free spa giveaways, radio contests... Both E and my father have, at some point, said right before a drawing "I'm going to win that shirt," or "I'm gonna win those free tickets."

And guess what - they won!  (I've tried this method NUMEROUS times, saying I'm gonna win something - it only succeeds in making other ticket holders look at me funny, like I rigged the whole thing... until I don't win and then they just laugh.


Odds of winning the lottery are like, 1 in 175 million.
Odds of winning those obnoxiously rigged boardwalk games are like, 1 in 900. 

You know the odds of a "spontaneous miscarriage" in early pregnancy (before 12 weeks)?

15-20%

Ok, I actually feel better hearing that percentage - those are actually some decent odds.  I'm SO not alone in all this...

Then I read about the odds of a "spontaneous miscarriage" occurring after hearing the heartbeat.

They're less than 5%. 

How about the odds after hearing the heartbeat TWICE - 10 days apart???

Get this - the odds of having a normal pregnancy after seeing a healthy first heartbeat, for women even with recurring pregnancy loss, is 83%.  I'm not considered to be "RPL" so the odds of a normal pregnancy aftering seeing the heartbeat for me?

Between 95-97%.  F*ck me.

How the hell did I win life's f*cked up lottery with those odds? 
Did you know the odds are almost the SAME for a second trimester loss as a first trimester loss after hearing fetal heartbeat?? A second trimester loss is only a slightly less chance at just under 4%..

And did you know that traditionally (and medically) all pregnancy losses before 24 weeks are labeled "abortions?"   Doctors would label my chart a "missed abortion."

How about a woman who's had multiple losses?  "Habitual aborter." 

She's lumped together with the irresponsible (and most likely drug addicted) teenagers who rely on abortions as their form of birth control.

SERIOUSLY medical community?! 

****************

On this bad day, I've decided to take a time out from my life - I'm heading to the Upper West Side (NYC) to stay with a good friend.  We'll do brunch, drinks, museums (rain forecast!), more drinks, dinner, some more drinks.  

I'm looking very much forward to it.  

I just hope I can keep from looking back...

**information pulled from this article

SWEATY SUCCESS!!

I sweated to the oldies!!

 OK, not oldies - actually some pretty cool techno/mod hiphop beat - pretty cool for a yoga class...

 

Buggy Item #2 - CHECK THAT BITCH OFF!

Hot yoga was FREAKING AWESOME.  Just know that there's no cheesy cracks here about stinky old men or queefing (anyone who's ever attended a yoga class, you praaaaabably know what I'm talking about!!)

I wage parking war, once again, only to run into the studio with 30 seconds to spare to tell the receptionist their parking sucks (which I'm sure she seriously already knew) and be told "Oh but you know about the parking lot behind our studio, right?"

10...9...8...7... This is SUPPOSED to be calming!!

Ok so I successfully get the Groupon redeemed, and enter Hades.

It is HOT.  So hot that before I can even get my mat unrolled, I am "glistening" with sweat. 

A quick glance around tells me that almost everyone in there (except the instructor) is probably under 30 - must be a hip place! *Cue the techno-vibe jams...

We start cranking through some poses - deep lung to Warrior One to Warrior Two to chattarunga (a spelling genius yogi I'm not...) to Downward Dog to deep lung - you get the idea...

At about the time I'm thinking, holy baJesus I can feel my shins starting to drip, the cool "I-act-and-feel-much-younger-than-I-am" instructor asks, "Is it hot enough in here?! Come on, let's sweat this shit out!"

And cranks it to 104 degrees.

This is no Arizona desert dry heat either - they make sure to keep humidity at around 70%. 

I suprise myself in my ability to keep up with the positions - and only confuse Utkatasana (chair pose, and I SO copy&pasted that word lol) with Chaturanga once...awkward...

Chair Pose...                              Chattarunga (and that's so what I look like doing this. lol)

It's as we're lying in Corpse Position at the very end (basically just flat on your back, trying to not die from dehydration) that the instructor starts waxing philsophically and gives her Yogi Vibes.

I lay there with my eyes close, heart racing and feeling SO FREAKING ALIVE, and hear this:

"Remember this place where you are now.  This high that you feel.  Remember this so you can always come back here."

We roll over, as instructed, to lie in fetal position and her next words ring in my head over and over.

"Nothing has to change, nothing is wrong."

I feel like the words are for me alone.  Even though I've caught the sh*t end of the stick lately, nothing is wrong with me - with us.   I sit up and face forward for an exchange of "namastes" and feel - I feel like everything will be ok...

The instructor requests of us that "when you lose your high, you just get your ass back here for some more."

See YOU next Thursday night!!!

*sneak preview for just-improvised Buggy Item #3 - dinner and drinks at a Moroccan/MiddleEastern restaurant tonight - belly dancers galore!!

Buggy Item #2... Take Two...

Miserable and utter FAIL last night trying to get to my first class of hot yoga...

And by "try" I do not mean that I just thought about going and didn't make it. 
By "try" I mean that I got to the studio with 15 minutes extra to redeem Groupon, get changed, and be in place by start of class (you know how they get after class has started - DO NOT DISTURB THE YOGIS!!)

I ended up driving up and down the block looking for parking in near TEARS (I have a feeling the tears were caused by more than just lack of parking in urban streets...) and cursing like a sailor at every parked car. 

"Why should YOU get that parking spot, bitch?!?  You probably didn't even work for it! You probably just coasted by and said, hey that looks like a good place to park - look how easy this is!  Well F*ck you! I'm working hard as shit and there's not a single godd*mn spot in a 2 mile radius! WHAT THE F*CK!"

Like I said, this meltdown was probably a little bigger than just lack of empty white lines... and by a little I mean ALOT.

But two pieces of good news!
1 - I am getting back on that parking horse! (you know - getting back in the saddle?)
Hot Yoga take two tonight!  I am approaching it with some experience and thought now - the class I tried to attend yesterday was at 5:45 (duh - all these stoopid cars probably belong to people at work, or just out of work running errands)
My hypothesis is that by the 7:45 class tonight, chaos in the streets should have died down and there will be at least ONE parking spot in walking distance.  So back to hydrating today in preparation (I danced into my house last night from all the extra water sloshing around in my bladder...)

2 - This lady's ovulated ON TIME after the miscarraige!  This is VERY good news considering that before the cycle that gave us our BFP*, I'm pretty sure I hadn't ovulated for about 3 months, during which I got periods every 14-16 days (Tampax, I'm expecting a kick-back here!)  
((and by "on time" I mean the same CD as our BFP cycle - CD20 - whew!))

So we've gotten past the first step in getting back to TTC - now we're going to chart this cycle to AF* to try to figure out what the hell a normal cycle looks like for me!



* BFP - Big Fat Positive (on home pregnancy test)
* AF - Aunt Flo

Movie Review Wednesday!

For our first Movie Review Wednesday:

If you liked Men Who Stare at Goats -

Women Who Stare at Charts

Rated:      R

Length:    between 2wks and 28 days

Category: Drama, Adventure, Fantasy

Directed by:  A. Flo

Photos:

 

<> * <> * <> * <> * <> * <> * <>

Movie Info:   The creative team behind Dude, Where's my OPK??  dives into it again with Women Who Stare at Charts. They follow a group of friends as they chart-stalk their way to possible pregnancies. 

         When temperatures spike, the screen heats up with some steamy Fertile Week ED BDing. The group of women help their friend chase the elusive O - her chart reading like a mountain range;  they help each other analyze and agonize over temperature dips at 5-6DPO;  Fertility Friend joins the cast as the ever-trusty side-kick to this trio of chart-obsessing women. 

        You won't find any babydust or rainbow-sh*tting unicorns here - this gritty tale of woe, emotional upheaval and just plain suckage WILL be worth it when we all get to our finish line! 



Sore Losers

So E and I are big NY Rangers fans.  (Ok he's a bigger fan, I just started watching hockey when I met him... But 6 years has given me enough knowledge to know when to cheer and when to jeer!)

Imagine our dismay when the NJ Devils beat them in the Eastern Stanley Cup Finals.  Even worse, most of our friends are Devils fans - oh the gloating...

Imagine our GLEE (no music involved, mostly beer) when the LA Kings opened up a can of WHOOP ASS on the NJ Devils last night - Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and LA is up 3 games to NONE!  We've had to read our annoying friends' facebook statuses fawning over the NJ Devils after they beat the Rangers - those shitheads guys are awwwfully quiet now! 

E and I have already predicted what will happen next in facebook status updates when (not IF!) the LA Kings cream them in Game 4:

"Well that's ok, I'm just so glad we beat those damn NY Rangers!"

Excuse me? You only care that you beat the Rangers - sooooo you don't care at all if your team won or lost the ACTUAL Stanley Cup??

Sore losers.

I feel like a sore loser.   My BFF is pregnant (I'm trying to lose track of her weeks on purpose - she is exactly 3 weeks behind where I should be right now...)  My good friend just had a baby.  I see women from a message board I participate in moving on and "graduating."

And yes - I'm sitting here pouting like I did when I was 7 and the boys beat the girls at Red Rover during recess.  I can't even concentrate on the part where "we'll get them next time."    When is the NEXT TIME??   Why couldn't we have gotten them the FIRST DAMN TIME??

Here it comes - get ready for the whine and GRAB YOUR CHEESE!

ITS NOT FAIR. 

How did I end up with the sh*t end of this stick?  How did ANY of us??   How is it that drug-addicts and 16-year-olds and my grandmother* can get pregnant - and STAY pregnant - so easily??

*(grandma had 5 by the time she was 23... probably explains why she was completely gray at 30!)

Temper tantrum anyone?

"I want a baby NOW!! Get me a baby NOW hunnie!"*

*(Asking Daddy for a baby just seemed WEEEE-IRD)

And who the HELL ever thought up "Good Things Come to Those who Wait" ?!?!  Yea, you just wait right there in front of my fist - I'll show you something good...

Nice day for a White Wedding...

Or maybe not so white.

We've got a shotgun wedding today! 

Yes, I know we live in 2012 (or most people do) where it's perfectly normal - ok how about not as taboo? - to have babies out of wedlock.  I know for a fact that this is an "oops" baby, and I just think it's a little silly that they feel the need to get married just because she's pregnant - but what do I know??   (Remember? almost a college degree. lol)

So the bride's almost 6 months pregnant, and she's Snooki-esque...

Ok, so not in THAT sense - or not for the last 6 months anyways...

No, she and Snooki could almost pass for sisters.. The bride's more of the four-times-a-week-tanning-salon-visits.  She's more of the fake-boobs-and-fake-lips-and-fake-hair type.  (She IS from New Jersey!)  At least she stopped rocking the velour sweatsuits the HouseWives here think are appropriate for women over 40...

So she's stopped tanning (duh) and we're aaall wondering what her silicone-enhanced boobs will look like today!  (I'm thinking she'll probably be able to use them to rest her plate while greeting all of her guests at least...)

Another funny thing - I'm not sure she's gone public with her pregnancy yet!  (I guess it IS still a litte taboo to get pregnant before getting married!)  She got away with it at her shower by hiding under a tent of a dress (she's tall, but normally very slim).  Good thing the maxi dresses are always in! 

"Seriously guys - I was just soooooper hungry last night!"

(It was slightly awkward when her older female family members got her a Book of Sex and all laughed and said her fiance probably couldn't wait til their wedding night!  Sorry - missing college degree not-withstanding... WHERE do babies come from again??)

And I tend to dislike Sunday night weddings - what with work and all at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow morning - but the good news?  The reception hall is literally 2 blocks from our house - guess whose got two thumbs and is stumbling home, heels in hand later??

THIS gal.

And yes, I'm wearing a cape tonight. 

Ok, not really.. but do you know how hard it was to find this??

YOU try googling "this guy thumbs" and see if you don't pull up some awfully obscene porn!!

******************

Post Wedding Notes

I just absolutely had to post a pic of the bride's hair.  O.  EM... GEEEEE - 1981 called, they want your 'do back!! 

(Sorry if that sounded mean - it helped distract me from the fact she's carrying an unwanted baby right now. *sigh*)

TGIF - Song Smash Up

I am in love with music.  I guess it makes sense, after all - I've played piano since I was 5 - for over 20 years (holy cow am I that old?!?) *sigh*

I can lose myself in music, whether I'm at my piano or I'm in my car with my mp3 CD's (and awesome stereo system! hey, ANY system is awesome compared to an old Dodge Neon with one blown speaker...  DONT MOCK THE NEON!)

Not many people know - I studied to be a music therapist for 2 years (and please don't ask - I have NO CLUE what a f*cking music therapist does... even after studying it for 2 years... hence the switch and almost degree in math!)

There is nothing more cathartic to me than losing yourself in a song like Goo Goo Dolls' Iris when you're blue; like rocking out to Nelly's Country Grammar while cruising to the beach in the summer, windows down and sunroof open (no sunroof in The Neon - you just manually rolled the windows down after stretching your entire body across to the passenger side while traveling at high speeds.  It wasn't THAT dangerous...)

While I have some CLASSIC favorite songs that will never lose their status with me (Friends in Low Places anyone??) I tend to follow fads too - I listen to a recently released song so much that I get sick of it, and put it away for awhile (Rolling in the Deep by Adele??)

My most recent obsession is We Are Young and I can't even name who sings it (yes I'm too lazy to go look it up too...)
But I'm sure you know the song if you've seen the BAD-ASS commercial where the new Chevy Sonic SKY DIVES, and BUNGEE JUMPS. (a car.  Bunjee jumps.  A CAR. is more badass than I am...)

I'm trying to watch myself and not put that song on my "Retired favorites" list...


ANYWAYS - point of this post.  I've heard a number of songs recently, really listened to the words, and felt like I could compose my own soundtrack.

Time for my first Song Smash Up.  For where I am right now in my life, I've compiled lyrics (plus some original ones!) from some of my favorite songs that I'd put on my "Spring 2012" soundtrack.  (I've noted the artist, song title in places where they're not original - anything not italic...)

The World Will Change

I don't quite know

how to say

how I feel                                                                                Snow Patrol  -  Chasing Cars

I'm gasping from grief

And I'm clutching at emptiness

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight                                            Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

How we got into this mess, is it God’s test?

Someone help us ‘cause we’re doing our best…

Trying to make things work, but man,

These times are hard                                                                                  The Script - For the First Time

We had to say goodbye way too early

Why should anyone have to feel this?

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating                                                LifeHouse - Broken

Though you never leave our minds,

We never got to know you.

We pray and hope you felt our love.

I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life.        LifeHouse - Broken

We had you so briefly, but

We will never forget you, as long as we live.

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok                  Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most

Life isn’t fair,

Not everything comes so easy.

You were worth it all,

And we won’t give up now.

Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking.   LeeAnn Womack - I Hope You Dance

We’re starting to believe

In the rainbow after the rain.

You were made by a dash of magic,

A cup of love and some hard work.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through                                                                               Howie Day - Collide

You have come and gone, but

Our lives will never be the same.

Even as we move forward,

We keep waiting,
Waiting on the world to change.                                                           
                                                                                            John Mayer - Waiting on the World to Change