Think-out-loud Thursday

(I'm soooo stealing this from some great boards I'm on, after I posted and felt a little weight lift...)
so now, I've decided to dedicate an entire blog entry to try and lighten the load a bit!

Things I think but would never say out loud:


1.  This is the initial post that inspired this entry...
 To be honest this needs some back story so bear with - my BFF had a chemical pregnancy about 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant.  I did my best to be there: brought hot pink nail polish and came over and gave her a rockin' mani, brought chicken noodle soup, etc.  (obviously, I also let her talk about it, or whatever she wanted to, and listened and hugged her and said "I'm sorry"  -before you think I'm a heartless b*tch that only cares about cuticles...

What I DIDN'T do? pull the crap lines like "it was god's intention." 

*That line actually came flying at me out of her CRAPTASTIC mouth when she was trying to "do HER best" after my miscarraige. 

*Another fantastic zinger from the understanding BFF, who's now pregnant and due 3 weeks later than I was?

"At least you won't be fat and hot this summer!"

*How about when I said I was upset that we had to wait a few cycles after the D&C and she thought I'd really want to hear "Well, April/May is a nice time to have a baby!"

GENIUS, really... I may have gotten a high school diploma and (nearly, as in 3 credits short) gotten a bachelor's degree, but WHY didn't I think of that?!?  stupid stupid stupid me...

SO - what I thought but for some reason didn't say out loud (and kinda really wish I'd had the balls at the time):

"Of COURSE I'd rather not be pregnant and fat this summer,

and of COURSE next spring is a MUCH better time to have a baby than

THIS NOVEMBER, when I was originally due, you obnoxious TWATWAFFLE."

What my whimpy ass finally said instead, over 1 week later when she finally emailed me to ask if I was avoiding her because she was pregnant:

"What you said (gave examples) really hurt, so I'm taking a time out from our friendship, still love youuuuu!" (or something along those lines...)

Ok  - let's lighten the mood now that the load's been lightened!

2. to the stinky-ASS housekeeper - "No, I think it's perfectly fine that you walk to work in the dead-heat of summer, and don't believe in deodorant and then proceed to STINK my office up with your RANK old woman un-checked BO twice a day."

3. to RUDE customer lady at Dunkin - "Absolutely jump ahead of me in line - that's what I intended for you to do when, with 5 people behind me, I stepped two feet to the left to get a strawberry milk out of the cooler.  I decided you're something speshul - go ahead and CUT YOU TROLL!"

4. "Hunny, there's nothing more I want to do than to make sure you have enough clean underwear and socks.  And of COURSE I don't mind doing that on top of all the dishes from the mess you made, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilets!" ***HEAAAAAVY SIDE EYE***

5. Not all people have attractive children.  In fact, some of them tend to look like Gollum...
As much as you love them, your kids have buggy eyes and the million pictures you post FREAK ME OUT! (kinda like the movie a Bug's Life freaks me out... no joke...)

6. to stupid, timid coworker - "I really appreciate that you just let me walk around all day with a giant whole in the crotch of my pants.  Extra breeze ended up being awesome- I was hot anyways.  Thanks."

Do you believe in magic?

There are people out there who are *gasp* able to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) very easily.  Then there are people that pour everything - financially and emotionally - into the process and cannot get (and stay) pregnant. 

There are lots of tools and methods now for couples "TTC" - tools that I used the month we got pregnant... Basal Body Thermometers.  Ovulation Predictor Kits.  Cerival mucus checks (yea, I went there...) 
Tools that science has created - tools that have helped women whose blogs I've read get pregnant - Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI's).  In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

When all you want in the world is a "take home baby,"  you find yourself able to do what needs to be done.  Even while you've got THOSE aforementioned women - who have unprotected sex once (see example here!) and find themselves pregnant, expected or not / wanted or not -  These women scoff at all your hard work, calling your baby-making process "scientific and cold" and scorn you for "taking the magic out of it all."

Yes, the whole conception thing - 1 sperm out of 20million makes it to an egg, and against all odds a baby is created, a living and breathing human being - it's a miracle and magical.  But sometimes the process to get there is not all "magic and baby dust and unicorns."  I came across a post that so succinctly put what I'm trying to say - so with permission from the author (and some punctuation fixes - can't help it, english nerd lol):

At least for me, creating a baby isn’t about magic: it’s about love.   And real love is hard work. Butterflies are great, but butterflies can’t carry the weight that life brings, not all of the time. Real love requires conscious decisions and conscious effort.   

I don’t think that I lost my first baby because I didn’t work hard enough for him, or didn’t love him enough or didn’t plan enough. I don’t think I’ll ever know why. I don’t know if I’ll get pregnant again, but I know that I’m not willing to leave it to “magic.” It’s too important for that.

Some people say that using OPKs and charts and thermometers takes the magic out of it.

And to that I say, “Take all of the magic away. I don’t need magic. I will work for this.”

I want my future son or daughter to know that I loved them so much that I was willing to work for it every single day. Whether he or she comes to me through natural conception, with the help of modern medicine, or through adoption, I want him or her to know that I loved them too much to leave it to magic. I took my temperature first thing in the morning, I peed on sticks several times a day, I took vitamins for months...

Thank you again, JennOH, for putting it so perfectly!  And here's to our BBTs, OPKs, PNVs and take home babies!

 

Seriously, Norah Roberts??

Ok so it wasn't Norah Roberts, per say, but I'm sick of these romance novels where the silly female lead, most usually a virgin, doesn't pay any attention to protection during the hot steamy sex with the slutty male lead, and 3 months in finally decides to take a pregnancy test and

Guess who's knocked up!



Seriously?!?!

I used to think these books were so cute, and they all follow nearly the same formula - she tries to hide her pregnancy (after she finds out at 3 months!) from him so he won't think she's trying to trap him.  He's secretly thrilled that she's pregnant so now he can trap HER with marriage cuz *SNAP* he just realized he luh-luh-LOVES her...

If only I'd paid more attention to these books in highschool when I was only reading them for the smutty sex scenes!  (Note to you guys - just skip straight to 50 Shades of Grey for the smut - it's also ****SPOILER ALERT**** a little more realistic - she forgot to go in for her Depo shot and gets KU... lol)

For those wondering How to get pregnant:

1. Find a STEAMINGLY hot, play-boy type, preferrably righ guy.

2. Be sure to keep your virginity until you meet said guy.

3. Introduce a little alcohol, like a single glass of white wine, because you're a good girl and don't normally drink much...

4. Have a hot steamy sex scene that skips over the "do you have a towel or anything?" part and just cuddle, ignore the mess...

5. Fast forward 3 months - Congratulations on your pending motherhood!

*****

Personal update - whether you're TTC or TTA*, 2WW's just never go away... My post mc 2ww* is almost up, though we'll probably wait just a tad longer to make sure... But next up for the Nook: Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty trilogy! (more smut - woohoo!!  So if you liked 50 Shades, check this trilogy out!!)

*there'll eventually be a glossary, but til then (if I can remember each post):

TTC - Trying to Conceive

TTA - Trying to Avoid

2ww - Two Week Wait (mostly used for the 2 weeks between ovulation and when you can take PG test)

Catching Up!

I think I'm going to end up a M-F blogger =) weekends lately are just too full for me to sit down at my computer!  so for a brief BUGGY ITEM #1 (and #2) recap, then I will return you to normally scheduled programming...

BFF date night on Friday was great, even though my friend, D, was on antibiotics for a lower GI infection (she insisted on keeping our date, love her for it - I think she knew I really needed to see her... talked out loud for the first time about the miscarriage, and while I had to stop at one point to cry, I really think it helped... E thinks so too, and thinks I should keep trying to talk about it with friends, so dinner night Friday with O!)

Buggy List item #1 - I tried two martinis that I have never had before (here or elsewhere!) and mmmmm they were yummy =)

 The first was their "Sparking Pink" - a martini.  I'm not usually a fan of sweet martinis, so I had my reserves - but that's what this list is all about, getting out and trying new things! Sparking Pink was:

exclusiv vodka, st. germain elderflower liqueur, pink

grapefruit juice with a champagne float

The second was "Fig Dream" - also a martini, and I can't find the description as it was a brand new menu item, but it had Fig vodka!  Also yummy too, and my friend D, after hearing of the Buggy List and the reason for straying from my tried-and-true Lychee-tini, sipped both and being a fan of sweet drinks, still loooooved these two!

ONWARD to Buggy List item #2 - I have officially purchased a Groupon for 10 sessions of Hot Yoga.  

I am definitely excited to try this, but I have this niggling feeling that winter, with a nice 20degrees to greet you at the door, might have been the best time to try this...

First class scheduled for Friday night!!!  (I keeping thinking of those commercials for a Zumba game for Xbox/PS3/Wii where the girls are all hot, and glistening and hair nicely styled - what we all WISH we looked like while working out!!) 

You think you look like this:

You REALLY look like this:

back to regular programming...

Memorials...

Every Memorial Day, my husband E stands with the rest of the town's firefighters for outdoor services from 8am until noon.   Because they're required to wear full dress uniforms, he almost always comes home DRENCHED in sweat (which is fun because the uniforms are, of course, dry clean only!)

And even as I complain of the extra time and expenses a dry clean uniform requires, I forget what the holiday is all about.

Today is  a MEMORIAL to all those who have fought (and died) for us.  Each year, the services memorialize the losses we've suffered as a town: fire department, EMS, police department - 2 of these 3 are volunteer.  We've only had one active line-of-duty death in the past 6 years in the fire department.  My husband, and his entire company, were very close to the fire fighter and still dedicate (even throughout the year) numerous toasts and barbeques to "L."

I sit here today and remind myself that these men and women we are remembering and honoring today, my husband included, VOLUNTEER themselves for this dangerous job.  It's an incredible and incredibly selfless thing to do.

I don't think I can fully express it, but I am so so gratefuly that there are people in the world like you!


"Your WHAT comes out during your period?!"

Hopefully E will forgive me for this, but I had to tell this story. =)

We were getting ready for bed last night (me reading my Nook and him changing into those basketball shorts guys are so fond of sleeping in) when he said, "So when are you supposed to get your period?"

I was a little confused because he was asking as if I was supposed to get it any minute... I just had a D&C 1.5 weeks ago from which the spotting was just starting to taper off. 

So I looked at him and said, in a kind of duh shouldn't you know this mind set, "anywhere from 4-6 weeks I've heard.."

He couldn't believe it could be "that long!"  I turned into Teacher K, kind of like when I used to play school with my little sister and made her take fake tests with questions like "what color is a zebra" and I would actually take it and grade it.  Never as fun as when we played grocery store and pushed our twin beds together with me standing in the middle, swiping "items" down our bedspreads saying "beep, beep, beep..."


"Honey, why do you think a period happens?" I asked him.  He just kinda shrugged, said "No clue."

He was FLABBERGASTED when I told him, "A typical period is the uterus realizes there was no implantation of a fertilized egg, so it sheds its lining in preparation for the next cycle."

For some reason I just found it really funny that he was semi-grossed out, semi-amazed, and completely thrilled to have just been educated - no sarcasm here, I could have just told him the solution to World Peace and world famine all together.

As we were turning out the lights and falling asleep, he rolled over and mumbled "I can't believe your vagina falls out during your period..."



Day... ?? No end in sight!

Ok, ok - I'll stop with the Space Odyssey lines... but really.  CD 11? 12? Not really sure when to start counting, but I'm still spotting.   Just lovely. 

We are officially TTA* for a cycle or two, but since I didn't have to chart for the past 3 months, I've attempted to get back into the swing of things in preparation.

And for the third morning in a row, I've sat in my kitchen eating breakfast going "SH*T! I forgot to temp AGAIN!"   Scared my dog a little, too... Good thing I've got all this time to "get back into the swing of things..."

***

I am pretty much a walking love-hate relationship: "Please don't hate me for something I can't control (but that I secretly love about myself)" - but I've always been pretty slim (5'10" and 135lb) despite regularly eating 3-4 slices when it's "lunch-is-crap-let's-order-pizza" at work and keeping up beer-for-beer with the guys during Stanley Cup playoffs(LET'S GO RANGERS! and their yummmmmmmy goalie Lundqvist...)

 I've always had coworkers commenting on my size too, probably because they do see me eat so much at lunch (otherwise they'd just whisper to each other about eating disorders... I've got some really fabulous coworkers, people...)

I guess I just didn't notice the comments stop when I started sporting the baggy shirts & maxi dresses with big cardigans loosely closed around the middle.  (I'm not THAT girl - "why isn't anyone commenting on my fabulous threads today? It took me 45 MINUTES TO PICK THIS OUT!")

ok, the second part's true...

But this morning, a co-worker commented, (as I was shoveling in a double serving of Dunkin Donuts oatmeal - with the dried fruit? sooooo good) "Look at you and your flat stomach... I'm so jealous..."

The spoon froze half-way to my mouth.  I ended up with that constipated look on my face - you know, the really unattractive half smiling / half quivering-lip thing? 

 This was supposed to be the time people started commented on how cute the little bump was, not how flat it still was... I mumbled thanks, and grabbed my oatmeal and coffee and hightailed it to my office. 

I decided then, it's "Times like These" ** to get out that Buggy List and get cracking.  I'm not sure I'll keep a running check list (I hate empty check boxes!) anywhere on the blog, but each post will be either accomplishing an item I've considered on Buggy List and/or adding an item to the Buggy List...

Drumroll for the first accomplishment <*> <*> <*> <*>

(I have no clue what kind of drum roll /\that/\ is, but I actually just pictured the football player from Mr Holland's Opus that couldn't drum.  GREAT mascot lol - I'll have him kicking out a mean drum roll in no time!



#1 - Sushi & FABULOUS cocktails tonight with my bff at a FABULOUS lounge, in some FABULOUS clothes (that WILL take me 45 minutes to pick out...) 

My goal is to try two martinis that I've never had (this is our favorite sushi restaurant and we have been here a number of times, so I've already tested ALOT of the drink menu out... hopefully there's 2 left I haven't had that won't make me dance on the bar or anything - pretty embarassing since this is a nice lounge...)

ok, so I'll probably accomplish this item (martinis at Happy Hour) multiple times even in the next 2 weeks, but it's the first OFFICIAL Buggy List accomplishment!

****



IT's like Groupon just GETS me, you know?  Conveniently, I just received a Groupon for Hot Yoga/Spin Class.  Guess what I've never done!  Now I just have to decide because the Groupon is for either/or... if anyone's out there, which one do you recommend??

Another reason I'm falling in love with Groupon - I mentioned to E yesterday morning that I wanted to do a dinner cruise in NYC harbor.  (another item for the Buggy List??) 

30 minutes later, he forwarded me a Groupon he'd gotten for NYC dinner cruises: 



Day 2 - and no sign of intelligent life...

My husband and I drove home from the doctor's office in our separate cars, with me clutching the paperwork and brochure for the surgical center where my d&c was scheduled for the next morning.  My first thought was, They can't fit me in today??

My biggest fear was a miscarriage starting at home.  I DID NOT want to hold toilet paper in my hand, clot of some in-determinable size/shape on it, and sob.  I DID NOT want to stare into the toilet, like it predicted winning lottery tickets, and try to decide which drop was my baby.  As cold as it felt, I didn't want IT to start before the surgery that would take it all away...

Mother's Day was just a week prior... I had sat at my in-laws and opened cards - fawned over single roses and carnations, rubbing my little 11w4d bloat, and just chuckled when my mother-in-law said, "I don't have a card for you because I'm a little superstitious and don't want to jinx anything..."

(Alanis Morrisette, AGAIN, anyone??)

I had already told my boss, who was SO understanding after she'd been through numberous IF treatments years before, that I'd be out the rest of the week.  I spent the next few days after the disastrous doctor's appointment mindlessly painting everything within my reach: our guest bedroom, our guest bed frame, our deck. I put together a wrought-iron bistro set, CORRECTLY and ALL BY MYSELF!  (ok so the first chair back almost fell off when I sat on it, but I turned that sucker over and had the screws tightened up in no time...)
I planted, plucked and watered everything in sight: new sunflowers I had planted the week before, house plants that I ambitiously picked up from Home Depot at the beginning of this domestic three-some bliss (completely over watered, and completely dead...) and brand new strawberries that the house's previous owners saw fit to plant.  These are what might have saved me in the "keep-so-busy-I-can't-think" period:
Where you least expected it, you'd lift up heavy leaves to discover another three brand new red berries - life amongst it all.  We've had dessert for 2 nights now off of those strawberry vines, with some help from CoolWhip (anyone else not think of that Family Guy episode??) and Angel Food Cake...

***

And then I received a card in the mail.   I love my SIL to death - she and I get along really well.  It's just incredibly sh*tty timing... that her "congrats on being new to-be-parents" card came just 1 or 2 days after my d&c... we of course told them what had happened the day after the surgery.  But short of accosting the postal man, who is trained to slough through rain, sleet, snow or ice, that card was coming too late...

I went through a fit - I threw away the Mother's Day cards I got... I threw away the carnation delivered by a local pastor... I threw away the big packet of fliers from my OB/GYN about what fish isn't safe to eat... I threw away the Buy Buy Baby coupons I'd saved to use after our NT scan had safely passed...

I don't know what stopped me from throwing out our sonogram pictures from on top of the fridge.  They still sit there, in their little white envelopes.  I still remember walking out into the waiting room after our first appointment, and proudly pulling out the first print out of a little apple seed, and showing my mom: "There's a hearbeat!" was all I could squeak out, with my husband smiling proudly behind me.

Our next sonogram, 10 days later, was just a reassuring confirmation that the little heart was still beating away... And just like the sonogram tech who told us that she still carries her miscarriage around 20+ years later, this will never leave us.

We were pregnant for 11 weeks and 5 days.  I had our Facebook announcement planned and ready for release in 4 days.  Our family had been dreaming of a new grandhild, niece/nephew, cousin for 5 weeks and 2 days.  I starting imagining nursery decorations and crib designs for 60 days.

It's been 1 weeks and 2 days since we've said goodbye...

Day 1 on the foreign planet...

I'm 1week post d&c after a missed miscarriage.  I think that's as foreign a planet as you get. 

My first pregnancy after trying for 6+ months, and starting at 10 weeks I started getting those "gut instincts" that something wasn't right.  How you can get those during your first pregnancy, I don't know.  I don't know what it's "supposed" to feel like, because hey - doesn't every woman experience it differently?

I'm staring at the lingering bruise from the d&c IV, and I remember that quote, "Hindsight's 20/20."  I look back and remember thinking around 9 weeks, huh. I don't think I've been up past 9pm since my BFP and look here, it's almost 11!  I look back and remember thinking a few days later: Ok, so that's kind of weird... I haven't seen a clump of hair that big since Chewy was too drunk to drive home and had to shower the vomit off... Chewy, good times. But my hair should be not falling out right now..

 ***

At the risk of sounding like Alanis Morrisette and her thousand spoons, I didn't buy maternity clothes until recently.  They arrived the night before the ultra-sound, during which hope pounded in my chest, and the tech kept saying "hold on just one more minute honey."  After 10 minutes of her sighing, and ominously reaching over to snap off her ipod that was providing Bon Jovi-esque elevator/sono music, she finally spit out, "K, I'm sorry to say I don't have good news for you.."   Just five minutes earlier, the pessimist had come out and kept saying in my head, It's over.  You better prepare yourself now, it will be easier when she says the words.  Listen, if it was good news, she would have put you of your misery as soon as she put that awful wand in your Va-jay-jay.

I'm trying not to always be drinking from a half-empty glass, but I can't help but think - if you expect and plan for the worst, you can only be pleasantly surprised, right?  RIGHT?

The next thought I had, after she said the words I'll never forget, was that I didn't want to have to tell my husband.  He had been so excited when we got pregnant, and I loved when he'd said a week before the ultra-sound, "my barefoot pregnant wife is cooking me dinner, what's better?"

and I NEVER cook.  I say never and mean never.  I caught Taco shells on FIRE on the oven.  They produced 8 inch flames and thank god my husband is a firefighter, because otherwise I'd be redesigning a brand new kitchen paid for by insurance right now...

The sono tech and I bonded after she told me immediately that she'd miscarried at 5 months... 25 years ago. 10+ years before I had even thought of birth control and "TTC" and chemical pregnancies and miscarriages... I will be forever grateful that she shared her story with me..

She kept asking - Do you want us to call your husband? And I remember saying, I just want to give him a little bit more time to be blissful and think everything's ok...

As soon as he arrived and walked back to the room I was in, I felt like what had happened was written all over my face.  So when he hugged me and said, it's ok - what's happened -  I could barely get out the words... I said "it's no good."  Wasn't making alot of sense there... I guess I could understand his confusion...

I hated to say the words, but when he finally heard "no heartbeat," he held me at arm's length and looked at my face and said, WHAT??

After it sunk in, I remember him saying "OH MY GOD" so loudly that I was worried for .0001 seconds whether the nurses in the office next door could hear him.  And then it was just us... the two of us... after almost 3 months of it being three of us... We cried and cried.  And cried some more when we heard that a d&c was required.  I had already taken the day off of work - like I said, I'd almost expected the bad news... Almost.  

The beginning of the end had started.