the Pounding of horse hooves..

.. is what my baby's heart beat sounded like this morning.. music to my ears..

**started this blog entry sat morning and was trying to post video with it, but mobile Blogger kind of sucks for video posting, and we are once again out of town, with friends, for the new year.. and I thought I would be fine without the doppler for just two days.. I'm counting down the hours- not until midnight tonight, but until we get home tomorrow afternoon and I can hear baby's heartbeat again!
I'm sure every PGALer will join me in this - "god bless the inventor of the home doppler!!!!!"

Franken-Blogger..

I'm here. I'm alive. I'm in the midst of a fabulous Christmas week with family in Texas: zoo visits, big family meals, (virgin) mimosas and bloody marys, dice and card games til I can barely keep my eyes open (i.e. 9pm) and Michael Buble singing "Ill Be Home for Christmas."
Regular blogging will resume, briefly, in 3 days, until we head back out of town for a new year's getaway with a few friends.. merry Christmas, happy holidays to you and yours!

a Sigh of Relief

There's arms... and legs.... and they waved at us....

It was awesome...

I'm 8w5d, measured one day ahead - hb is 181 (I told hubby the old wives' tale that it means its a girl... he said "aw hell no...")

But we're giddy.   Cuz this is the farthest we've ever successfully gotten...
so. 

There's a baby in there. 

With arms and legs that move.

I'm in love...

And now I'll finally wrap the baby books we got for IL's to open tomorrow night with the above picture tucked in... I can't freaking wait*




*I'm also slightly nervous - E had a baby brother who passed away before 3 years old from (I think) leukemia... And guess whose birthday my EDD falls directly on?

E is saying MIL will freak out, in a GOOD way... I envision her crying, and me crying (cuz I cry at EVERYTHING now, including commercials for Campells soup, what with the happy little family tucked away with tomato soup and grilled cheese on a snowy day...)


**also another "cool" fact for anyone who thinks of things like this - my O date was a few days right before E's grandfather passed, so I'm thinking conception/implantation happened damn near the same day...

Ok enough of the UnsolvedMysteries thing going on here... I'm gonna go stare some more at the arms and legs...

=)

The fBFF Saga

So you all (probably) know my acronym fBFF - former BFF.

We were "Besties" for a few years, MOH's in each other's weddings (in fact I was her only bridal party, how fun THAT was planning - AND PAYING for - an entire bridal shower by myself.  just awesome)

But then, she had a CP two weeks before I found out I was pregnant last time, and she was fine - came over excited to hear about my first appointment, brought a "care package" with lemons drops for nausea, Mama Bee belly butter, etc...

And then she got pregnant.

And then I had a miscarriage.

And then she was an utter twat- 

Failed to ever reach out again afer texting me the week of the D&C.

Raved on about how far she was, and her first appointment when I finally thought, if I dont pull up my BGPanties - and asked HER, 1 week post MY D&C, how SHE was doing in her just-fine-pregnancy


Said things like:

*I'm sure you're being barraged by texts and "I'm sorries" but I just want you to know that miiiine mean the most!
*I know you're sad and this was a traumatic experience, but you want a healthy baby and it was in god's hands.  and you will get pregnant again (I think sooner than you think!)
*(when I told her, no - I had SURGERY and we have to wait a few months) I know it sucks - at least you won't be fat and uncomfortable this summer... april/may is a nice time to have a baby.
*(on my birthday, when really, I think, the day should be about the birthday girl) Happy Birthday - BABY [fBFF] IS A BOY!!!!


So you can probably understand how the relationship soured... Yea, it takes two to tango - I haven't reached out to her, but neither did she - even in the weeks following, as she put it, "what WAS a Traumatic Experience."  (She used this term no more than 3 days after the D&C)

So I'm bitter.  I'm annoyed that, throughout any time she needed a friend (her father died, her brother's baby mama caused drama (shocker right?) or when she liked a guy THAT WAS ALREADY ENGAGED ** spoiler alert, the engagement was broken off - she is now married to said guy) I was there.  I would come over and just sit and cry with her when she needed to sort through her father's things and needed someone to say "c'mon, these you can keep, but really? used tissues?!I love you, but GARBAGE!"

It took me this whole experience to realize that it was the first time I needed someone to be there. 

And she wasn't...

And I realized, I felt no gaping hole in my life when she was gone from it... When I grabbed the phone to call someone for help, or a shoulder, or for a much-needed girls' night - not once did I go for her number... not once did I ever "miss" that I didn't have her...




So.  Here we are about 8 months later.  And she is scheduled for a c-section next Wednesday.

And I was grateful for that timing because, well - here's my schedule for the next 6 days (while working full time and preparing for being out of the office for almost two weeks!):
Friday - heading to NYC as soon as home from work to stay with My Muffin
Saturday - Christmas shopping, and a big Fire Department dinner with E and the new fire department
Sunday - finishing up shopping, and Christmas drinks/cakes at SIL's house to exchange gifts (round 1)
Monday - finishing up shopping for MY family
Tuesday - NEXT U/S! And the second of two company holiday parties, this is an obligatory one I have to attend as CFO...
Wednesday - Exchanging gifts (round 2) AT OUR HOUSE (hence need for house cleaning, and getting party-ready) with ILs and must pack for 9am departure for TX...

So when E said he's going to the hospital to see fBFF and family Wednesday, I was a little surprised (as his schedule is basically the same thing) and said as much - "Not to be mean, but REALLY - do we have TIME for that??"

And he called me bitter, blah blah blah.

I have to admit, I'm glad that I'm so busy I can say, "I'm really just juggling a million things and can't make it!"

But I know fBFF is going to sit there and think, while E is there seeing them with his abundance of extra time that day (?!??!?!!) "What a selfish twat couldn't even come to the hospital to see someone who wasn't a friend to her at all when one was needed the most - she's just so jealous I was pregnant!"

*sigh* I think the Saga's gone on long enough, and was not near as much enjoyment as the T.wilight Saga... so I'm ready to close the book on this one... except I have to see them at SOME point, and tell them about the pregnancy - and she'll pretend to be all excited, and I could care less...

The good, bad and ugly

Good - E is out doing holiday Fire Department things tonight, which means I get to eat whatever my pregnant heart desires, healthy or not (rest assured, I'm all fruits and veggies and nuts during the day so I deserve some mac'n'cheese and CaramelCone icecream for dinner!)

Bad - this PGAL brain.  It's killing me.  And my doppler is taunting me from its box...

Ugly - I'm about to cry I'm so frustrated - the stitches (from the mole excision) are on my right side.  I sleep (or USED to sleep) on my right side... and stitches dont come out for another week...


The Awesome! - I was going to remind all you lovely people today to go vote for the lovely KristyKay to win an IVF video contest.  Well, you should still go see her - and tell her CONGRATULATIONS - the girl's KTFU and I couldn't be more excited!

Celebration Dance Time



derm appt

So Friday's procedure, the mole excision, went well... (After I sat, topless in a paper vest/gown for 20 minutes while they waited to speak to my OB-GYN to get permission, because the doctor did not remember (?!) I was pregnant - when I reminded her she asked me, "Did I know this last time?!" ... facepalm)

Anyways - there was an older nurse, a British lady - who was so absolutely sweet and so British (we even have the same name!) and she was cute talking about "you're probably the same weeks as Princess Kate! How fun!"  And as distractions during the procedure, she asked where I would deliver, and if I had names picked out,  if "any food had put me off yet" and I finally interpreted her Brit-speak to mean, if any I had any food aversions yet...

During the cleanup afterwards (as she mopped up blood and all that fun stuff) I told her I'd had a miscarriage in May, but that we were still going to do big announcements for our families - and surprise, surprise - she's a card-carrying member of the SuperSecret Miscarriage Club too! (complete with D&C) and we were able to talk about miscarriages and how taboo they are, and WHY THE HELL IS THAT?!

It was awesome, I almost started crying - I wanted to hug her, but then remembered I was still topless under that paper-vest...


A side note - the doctor had to cauterize before stitching, because I couldn't have the epinephrine shot (helps prevent bleeding) - and it DOES NOT smell good...
A few stitches later, me and my bra-less self were released to finally go nom everything in sight at Starbucks (their Artisan ham sandwich is just absolutely AMAZING to me right now...)


And then I Slept.  All.  Weekend.

It was awesome.

Season premiere had fab ratings!

Sorry for the suspense (but it makes for a better season premiere!!) and in this case, no news = GOOD NEWS.

We saw a perfect little blueberry, with a hb of 130 at almost EXACTLY 7w.

I'm in love...


Now that you know the ending, let's do one of those "2 hours earlier" backtracks they like to do, because the appointment definitely started on the wrong foot... At reception, they usually have this very formal sign-in sheet that has the time you arrived, your name, if you're getting a sono, the dr you're seeing, etc.  And by usually, I mean they've had it EVERY SINGLE TIME I've gone for the past 5+ years... So excuse me when I was a little confused when I saw STICKERS on the clipboard now that just say patient name... And the twat of a receptionist was all, HELLOOOOO there's a sign-in sheet right there, seeeeee? It says "Pay-shunt Naaaame."

Whatever, this bitch ain't raining on my parade today...  So sono-tech calls my name (the same sono tech as The Appt - and we remember each other, and she smiles all big like, YAY I'm so glad to see her back here and pregnant!) and E and I go back...
She does the whole clean-urine-sample spiel, and I take off to the bathroom with the little sterile-stamped plastic cup - and proceed to bobble it down the hallway, thankully BEFORE I peed into it - and then nearly collapsed in nervous/hysterical gigglesnorts... Of course, I peed on my fingers later because my palsy-hands couldn't hold still from the nerves of finding out in a few short minutes about Blueberry...
So, god bless her, the u/s tech said almost the second she got the dildo-cam in, "Well, THAT looks good!" And my heartbeat calmed from the pounding 180bpm it was... She took all her nifty measurements, and finished up saying, ok so we'll see you next for the NT scan!

I said, waaaaaaait a second - we're going out of town in 2w, most importantly to tell my whole family, and is it possible to have an u/s then as it's post-loss-milestone and would help GADS to ease my PGAL mind?  the sono-tech skirted answering, saying insurance companies (blah blah blah) and I should ask the dr later...

So we got called back again to see Dr (pap and breast exam, yay - I told E he could wait in the waiting room... lol) I got undressed, and am sitting in those awful open-front gowns, and realized right as the doctor came in that my thong was sitting out on top of my clothes!

Hold a hot minute - seriously?! this woman is gonna see my lady-parts under a SPOTLIGHT, with dildo-cam lube still oozing (what, tmi?) and I'm worried about my underwear not being tucked out of sight?!

So long story short (well, not really, it's already a long story - ANYWHO) the doctor understood the second I inquired about another u/s in 2 weeks - she immediately recognized the loss-milestone and said, absolutely not a problem, we'll get you back in before the holidays!

I was so relieved I wanted to hug her - and then remembered, my tits were hanging out of the open-front gown, she'd just shoved two-lubed fingers, well - you know where - and she'd seen my thong hanging out on top of my clothes.... so I settled for a giddy, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Cliff hangers

I hate, hate hate big cliff-hangers at season finales - (if you're not current on Grey's Anatomy, stop reading now)

GA's writers shoot McDreamy and leave him LYING THERE at the end of one season! seriously?!

But you know, with these cliff-hangers, the ending's already written out there somewhere, it's already been decided whether McDreamy lived or died.  We just didn't know until MONTHS later...

I feel like I've been on a cliff-hanger for the past few weeks... the story's written, the writers know what will happen, and are ready to watch the audience squirm and writhe until they can know too...

with my first u/s in 2 hours (ohmyfuckinggodI'mgonnathrowup!) the big season premiere is coming, where you learn what happens to our leading lady...


It took me 30 minutes to finally make my mind stop in the middle of the night (after getting up to pee - GOOD SIGN)
It went in cycles - I would spend 1 minute reassuring myself, K you've had no cramping, no spotting, nice bloat going - definitely bigger/sore boobs - ALL good signs....

and then the PGAL bitch roared through like a tornado

*breathe in, breathe out...

I've shaved my legs (and other necessities).
I've got on cute little socks (not to be cute, but to cover my horrendously-in-need-of-a-pedi winter feet).
repeat to self as you walk confidently into that office:

I (step)
am (step)
preg- (step)
nant (step)

Working Hard?

Well, it's definitely closer to the "Hardly Working" end of the spectrum...

Apparently my brain has decided to abandon me and my work To-Do list this week...

Each day at 4:45 I think, oomf - didn't get around to THAT today, MUST get it done tomorrow...

And then it's tomorrow and it's 4:45 again...

It's like the waterfall drinking you do during a game of Kings  (never played Kings you say?  If you've ever been to a college-party, you've played Kings, probably under some different name according to the region of the U.S. you were in... kind of like "FlipCup" on the east coast is "Flippy cup" in IA... heehee)

But yea - how is waterfall drinking like my work to-do list again?  Well each day's list gets added to the list from the day before, and it keeps building and building... Because my motivation has straight up and left me.

Thank god I will have a blissful 2 full weeks off (*GASP* in healthcare?! 2 weeks off?! CAN'T WAIT!) for the holidays to go see family all around the country, where the only motivation I need to muster is to get from the couch to the kitchen for more homemade Chex Mix...


Oh, go leave some hugs for my dear friend Weaslewam as she hopefully comes through today's loss EDD, whole and out the other side, having used as many tissues and cheese sticks as she needs...

When the phone rings...

So I think I mentioned, I went to the dermatologist over a week ago to have a mole (or two) checked out, and while she said they were "clinically benign," I opted to remove one.  Said mole was biopsied, and the doc said she would call back in a week with the results.

Well, almost a week exactly from the appointment, the phone rings.  (I don't answer numbers I don't know - long story that involves stalkers and debt collectors, both belonging to a person who does NOT reside at my phone number...)
So when I hear the voicemail that the doctor "has [my] biopsy results, and wanted to speak to [me] about them, please call when [I] have a few minutes..." I figured something was most definitely amuck with my mole...

It came back as "slightly irregular under the miscrope" and that "they both decided" (both being.... doctor and her husband? I'm not sure who she consulted on this... lol) that they wanted to go back in and take out more, which now involves stitches... just lovely.

So now this week I have to swing loooong lunches from work for (*gulp*) the first OB appointment (and ultrasound!) Thursday, and the "procedure" at the derm. office on Friday... I've decided, under the guise of still being "not pregnant" at work, to tell said work that both appointments are for the derm - procedure on Thursday, follow-up on Friday.  Clever, eh?

Speaking of ultrasound - E and I are in the process of making plans to go to Canada for New Year's, and when our friends started looking for a commitment for the trip, E says to me:
"obviously things are up in the air for me and u until at least we find things out at the appointment."

Which confuses me... If (god forbid - and maybe I'll say "the worst happens Thursday" still in parantheses, as the universe may not read all these footnotes) we are still going to see my family for a week at Christmas, where we will act all cheerful, and drink glug (and lots of peppermint martinis) so what's a trip to Canada with friends? (Universe, if you DO read the footnotes, please don't let me have just "jinxed" this all...)


Anyways - now a word from our local sponsors:
The talented KristyKay over at Strength, Hope, and Everything InBetween has entered a video IVF contest*, and needs all our votes on December 11th!  (*Her video is 7th from the top) Check out the videos for now (but you can't like any of them more than Kristy's) and put up your calendar reminder to vote on December 11th!!

too tired for The Monday Blues...

Thanks for all the hugs on Friday - the weekend wasn't as morose as it might have seemed...
We got our Christmas decorations all up (E did the outside lights, I did the interior decorations) and this year, we got a fake, pre-lit tree.  We've done a fake one for a couple of years, but this is the first year we did pre-lit... I used to think people with pre-lit trees were lazy asses, but now I'm an owner of a pre-lit tree - and yes, I am a lazy ass (or just insanely tired...)

We also did, for the first time, a mono-colored tree = all clear lights, and all gold ornaments - so pretty! now, when I can find a minute where I don't want to fall face first into my dinner plate, I will wrap gifts to put under our pretty tree...

And that's basically it.  I'm tired.  All.  The.  Time...

oh, and first appointment is this Thursday.... fly time, fly!!