Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Farts are Funny...

...and other Stories!

"You WILL love this!"

We are gathered around the kitchen table - myself (less than a week out from the major surgery that is a c-section), darling husband E, and my mom holding Benjamin.
 We are Skyping with my brother and his 7-months-pregnant wife, just filled with praise for all that is parenthood, when Ben rips a fart so loud they could hear it on the other end of Skype from Washington STATE.
We all start laughing, which in turn causes me to immediately start crying (see "fresh surgery") and try to escape the giggle-fest by running to the kitchen sink, still in sight of the Skype cam.
E darts into the living room to set up a mobile changing station, because here goes my mom, checking up Ben's back for any wayward poop (more giggles and more crying on my part, tears of laughter/pain running into the sink.)

All this just mere seconds after telling brother and SIL that "it's no big deal, you're going to LOVE this!"

I can just picture the expectant parents after they closed the chaotic Skype session, as we're running around crying (me), pooping (Ben), checking for poop (Mom) and preparing for poop (E)...

and "Farts are Funny!" 

Around the same amount of time post-partum as the Skype-disaster (see above), the three adults (Mom, E and me) are seated around the kitchen table (wooden chairs - you'll see later why this detail matters) for a delicious pancakes+bacon breakfast.
For anyone who has had any kind of abdominal surgery, you know that, due to the type of surgery, you are very gassy for a number of days post-op.  Gassy to the point that they fed me Gas-X (or some equivalent) promptly every few hours while in the hospital (drug cocktail also included the lovely stool-softener for the all-important first post-partum-Poop!)
So the first few days home (as well as in the hospital) I let it rip, not about to be undone by some reluctant gas. (Coincidentally, E was not in the vicinity whenever a nice loud trumpeter blatted out.)

Until... the lovely afore-mentioned breakfast.

As I felt the gas start to travel south, inching ever so closer to announce its emergence to the world, I started to panic, and started laughing, and then crying, as I clutched the table and my stomach and the last shreds of my dignity...
"Oh god *giggle giggle, sob* I'm going to FART!" I blurted out.

Horrified, I felt It make Its way into the world - nice and loud against the wooden kitchen chairs, thereby breaking a seven-year-streak (*the entire time we've known each other!) of having never farted in front of my love (these things, these bodily functions - we like to pretend they don't exist!) 

And through the tummy-clenching tears, I could only laugh, because after all - Farts are Funny! 

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