Thankful for What It Is

So...
That ticker over on the left, the countdown for the first ultrasound, should read 0...

Our appointment was this morning, and it was good... and it was bad (in my mind, at least)

The good part?
We saw a teeny tiny little flickering heart... YAY YAY YAY!!
(or more accurately, "cardiac tube" and "cardiac activity.")

Then I saw her place her little crosshairs on the crown, and one on the rump - and I measured 6w1d... when I should have been 6w5d by my O-date count.

Which isn't horrible... just the other day, I was trying to reassure someone on forums that, at this gestation - things are measured SO MICROSCOPICALLY that a 1/2 mm  could mean the difference of a few days...
(also - I was thinking, based on when I turned the very first test truly positive (10DPO) and how long it took until the lines got really nice and dark - theoretically the betas doubling and increasing - I was thinking I've got a "late implanter" on my hands... which, even though they measure gestation by date of conception, wouldn't a late implanter be a few days behind?!)


The doctor wants me to come back next week to confirm good growth.
YES, I love that I get another ultrasound so soon, it just surprised me that she wanted it - I feel like in the past, the office had the "can't change the outcome" mindset and would have just scheduled the 12w NT...

So maybe it's her reaction that has me slightly off-kilter... (btw - new OB at the practice, and despite what it may sound like, I LOVE HER) 

When she heard we were traveling to Cancun next week, she DEFINITELY wanted to get an ultrasound in before our vacation, to make sure everything was still ok.  And even said that she would provide a letter that said it was medically advised I not travel, if we wanted to get out of the trip...

which, hell no - I AM SO READY FOR A VACATION and SO READY to be out of reach of my job via telephone...
and also - if the plane travel is totally safe (as she told me it was) then there's no reason for me NOT to go to Cancun... except, in her words:

"if you miscarry in Mexico, you're in Mexico... and are not familiar with their medical facilities - if you need a D&C, etc."   **
(** how awful, right?  a PGALer can't help but think ahead about things like possibly miscarrying... and whether facilities would be available in case of medical procedures needed.)

So, yea - she's blunt... but I've realized I like that about her... while all the other staff - receptionist, lab tech for blood, nurse at intake, ultrasound tech - were all, "congrats! So exciting, a baby!" the doctor didn't shy away from the fact that bad things can (and do! I've experienced them!) happen...
And I'm realizing as I write this, I'm being thrown off by the fact that I feel like she's acting as an RE's office would, with plenty of visits and reassurances in the early scary weeks...

My OB/GYN office changed names (and I think affiliations slightly - mostly same doctors and nurses) and if this is their new policy, I LOVE IT.

And even better - when I asked if I could squeeze in another peace-of-mind ultrasound around 9ish weeks, she told me it would be absolutely no problem...

so while I'm bummed about still being stuck in the sweet-pea stage for awhile and having the big 7w blueberry be pushed off a few days, there is a tiny precious heartbeat... cardiac activity... whatever!


(I'll probably keep the same Sunday ticker-change until next week's ultrasound can confirm stuff... because also? 6w1d today would make the due date NEW YEAR'S EVE... of course.)

A Milestone (of dreams) and Makin' Things this Monday (6w1d)

So end of last week, I had my first bleeding dream (I sat in the bathroom Friday morning and noted in the blogger app so I wouldn't forget to post about it - good thing I did too! I just now saw the draft and was like, OH YEAAA!!!!)


So in the dream, I guess I was a little ho bag, sleeping with like 4 guys and realized I was around CD15 (FW!)
Cue the dream freak-out...
But then I got my period/started bleeding and I was like,  whew! ... wait...

Wasn't I already pregnant???


and this baby-making business is still exhausting... Friday night I fell asleep while putting Button to bed... I laid him in the crib, and I curled up, cramped on the glider (he would whine when I stepped out of the room... *sigh* it's something he pulls like, once every few weeks...) and he's laying in his crib kicking his monkey toy that's attached to the bars...
I didn't realize 45 minutes had passed (and Button still wasn't sleeping!) until I stirred and checked the clock!

Oh and more crazy dreams: I was, I think, going to some large indoor rodeo (I think it was AT my parents' church?!)

It morphed (like dreams do) into a circus, and all of a sudden I'm like, doing trapeze from the audience, swinging around on some rope.  There were 1-2 "mean girls" I recognized from high school, complete with frosty pink, nearly lilac, lipstick and chokers - awesome 90's gear!

Something like the "ring master" invites me to join the circus...

The same night, in another dream, I'm watching TV from a couch, and my sister and an hasidic Jewish woman (it was a speech therapist from my actual job!) are on a nearby couch, I think flirting!


All that to say - when I fall asleep (usually on the couch around 9:30) I get some crazy wack-a-doo dreams...



A quick Monday of Making Things: this thing being a craft/crayon/marker box for Button... (started as a Converse box with some leftover paper from the crazy Circus Birthday Bash planning last year)

I taped (meticulously) four pieces of patterned paper together, and then (painstakingly!) traced out a design of fold- and cut-lines...

I taped (on the inside, and again on the seams) everything down (lazy woman's hot glue...) and with a few trimmings here and there, my pattern worked!!

I think it came out pretty cute, and I'm excited to put it in his desk!

 (considering this was on my to-do list and sitting on the guest bedroom for a number of months, it maybe be a few more days/weeks until it actually gets moved to his desk in the playroom... lol)

Good doesn't always win... (4w4d)

But when it (good) does win?

Rainbows and butterflies...

no, not really - but it IS nice when the good outweighs the bad...


Yesterday I took the day off of work to drive up to CT, a halfway point for myself (NJ) and my sister (MA)...

My parents are visiting her and her family this week from Texas, and no way would I let them be this close without going to see them! (And having them see Button! It's been since Christmas!)

So we all settled into a chain restauraunt (after a mad dash for us ALL to the bathroom after a 2ish hour carride - during which Button slept for the last hour - score!)

And as I knew would happen, the second we get all settled, the waiter comes around and asks for drink orders, and I watch my mom and sister out of the corner of my eye as I fumble with ordering a Mango iced-tea (I.E. NO ALCOHOL!)  ((I might as well have held up a neon scrolling sign for them...))

Except it WASN'T so obvious to the waiter, who kept trying to convince me of the fabulous-ness of their Sauza tequila margaritas and how $3.39 was SUCH A GREAT DEAL!

(random pic, again so pics in blog readers aren't pee sticks (below)...)

They all got excited (my dad a minute later when he also caught on) and I caveat-ed with a "it's still REAAALY EARLY, I haven't even seen the doctor yet..."

And then, I had to ask my mom about this bet she'd mentioned a few months ago...

Something like she and my dad had bets on who would be KTFU again first - me or SIL (the crazy one who scrapes her daughter's poop out of her diaper before throwing it away? yea that one...)

And I only brought it up to my mom because I had this weird feeling about them (BIL+SIL) and I asked - not in the "DID I WIN THE BET?!" way...

And my mom kinda sat there and looked at my dad and half smirked / half looked like she didn't know what to say...

IN OTHER WORDS, THEY'RE TOTALLY PREGNANT TOO!    (Good News!)

Aw, yay! how cute!!! We'll be pregnant together in July this summer during the family reunion!!





UNLESS.... something happens....
 (out squeaked my PGAL brain)  (Bad News!)

(OHGOD OHGOD OHGOD PLEASE don't let anything happen to this pregnancy, because if it does - I don't think I can live through SIL's this summer...)  ((remember, if it's said as an aside, in parentheses, the universe doesn't hear you!))

I just really hope and pray that both of our pregnancies continue in a healthy manor... OHPLEASE OHPLEASE...


And our first appointment is set (did it during the carride yesterday! go blue tooth!) for Friday May 8th... u/s at 9am and dr appt to follow...
15 MORE DAYS!     (Good News!)

And I can check off the first two (and only items) off this little checklist I decided was important last pregnancy:

• Keep POAS - CHECK (I even used the 2nd CB weekly digi - which has progressed to 2-3w past ovulation / 4-5w pregnant WHEW)
  
  (LOOK at that 18dpo wondfo! of course, it was still "wet" as the others have dried for days now...)        (Good News!)
• Call Dr (that old list said "ask when is the soonest they can do an u/s (even if you can't see baby/sac/fetalpole yet) to make sure it's not ectopic."     Well,I feel ok with the first appointment being 2 weeks from tomorrow... ACK! TWO WEEKS!

(I feel like my life has been lived in 2WWs the past 2 years... 2WWs during TTC, a 2ww for first u/s, another 2ww for the second u/s, a 2ww at the end of the pregnany for a scheduled (but not really - SURPRISE!) c-section...)

the PGAL-ness... 15DPO

A few weeks ago, I thought gleefully, "oh gosh! at the rate time passes now, the first few scary weeks/months of a pregnancy should fly compared to last time without a toddler for distraction!"


eh.....


I guess it somewhat has so far - considering I tested so freaking early (both good - I got to know sooner! and bad - that much longer to wait for 4w, 5w, first u/s...)
I tested at 3w2d (if you count that "IS THAT A SHADOW?!" on 9DPO) and here we are 4w1d..

I am actually not too freaking out right now PGAL-wise... I'm (of COURSE) still peeing on things... and panicked this morning a bit as I peered through the shower doors (5 minutes was up!) at the Wondfo and thought, OHMIGOD it's not that different at all than yesterday!! DAAAAAAAMMIT!

And then I started to rationalize:
- the FRER at 13DPO looked OH SO MUCH DARKER than the one just the day before... like, HELL YEA check out that second line!

- I played Guestimate the Beta, Mate!(of course with the help of this handy site which tells me that
 "Beta hCG levels usually double about every 2 days for the first four weeks of pregnancy."

So considering how early I DID* test, I figure it was, oh - 5-7miu (or is that mui?!) on Wednesday ((if you count that shadow on 9DPO "turning into" a BFP on 10DPO, that would make sense, right?))
and then on Friday it should theoretically have been around 10-14mIU... and by Sunday should have been, oh, approximately 20-28mIU.
As I finished the math (and soaping up my hair in the shower) I thought, no wonder the Wondfo is still light!!!

And then I got out of the shower and looked at it closer, and fist pumped... OH BABY it's darker than yesterday's! 


And another thing about being PGAL, so succinctly put on a Pregnant Chicken post I recently read:

"Seeing other women pregnant will still cause you to rage with jealousy. There I said it."


Yup - we were at a 3rd birthday party on Saturday (which was so annoying - upwards of 50 people there, the mom wouldn't serve cookies/cake and sing HappyBirthday until her 3-yr-old had opened all of his gifts... in front of everyone.  I'm sorry, is this a fucking baby shower or something?! THIRD BIRTHDAY!!) and at this party there was a 3-day old baby and two pregnant women 6+ months...

I wouldn't say I raged with jealousy... but I would be lying if I didn't feel the faint twinges as I rubbed their bellies...



And because it's near impossible to find a private area where I work to call my OB/GYN (I mean, consider the conversation: "Hi I'm calling because I got a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST a few days ago, when can I schedule the first ULTRASOUND?")  I'll hopefully be able to leave work right before 5pm and try to call and schedule an appointment... and maybe betas... because I can't make up my mind on that...


And because I want to show you how crazy I was at 9/10DPO - pee stick pictures to follow after this random one - because I don't want anyone's feeds to pop up with a pee-stick picture and the first picture of a post is always the one that pops up... how about some puppies??

And now for pee sticks, the wondfos' progression through today...


(I promise lines are much darker in person...
I realized this pic makes it look like I didn't get a true BFP until like, yesterday... lol)




(I've just started my own PGAL panic... I'll be examining these again as soon as I get home from work... SIGH)






The only thing that's somewhat sanity-saving, are these beauts:

now THAT is line progression... (you'll notice I refrained from using my last FRER on 14 & 15DPO... I might just use that last one tomorrow...)

AAAAND I have a CBdigi that does that nifty little week indicator, and should in theory (in the next few days) change from it's previous reading of "1-2 weeks" (past ovulation, so 3-4weeks pregnant) to a nice "3-4 weeks" (4-5 weeks pregnant)....

the craziness continues...

Mantras

So I recently came across these PGAL Mantras and I need them a lot right now (and probably for the new few weeks!!)

Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.

I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.

My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c.

Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you. We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!

Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot jinx your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!

(actually, I AM TOTALLY MAKING THAT A HOMEPAGE TAB!)

With that said, I am so so so so grateful for the positivity from E right now...

Let me back  up first and tell you how the "cute tell" I had somewhat planned fell apart...

E had a dentist appointment yesterday at 5pm, so I headed to MIL's house to pick up Button.  Got there around 5:30, she tells me he ate dinner (THREE bowls of pasta!) and invites me to sit and eat. 
I think, CRAP - there goes getting home before E so I can pee on those digi's I just bought today!

But I sit down, eat some pasta, and watch E's adopted sisters play with Button in the backyard.  Around 6pm, we finally get in the car to head home - and I see a text from E that he is still in the chair waiting for the dentist to finish some "bullshit conversation in the hallway."

SWEET! I'll still get home before him! like, way before him! Now let's see.... what can I do to tell him in a "cute way"...

I get home, and I have a million bags to get in the house, Button is insisting on carrying in a Mickey doll and a toy car from my car, and there's Zoey (our min-pin who comes to work with me every Thursday to visit the residents!)

In other words,  utter chaos trying to get in the house... And then a text from E that he's on his way home, ETA 30 minutes...

I run upstairs (carrying Button basically over my shoulder) to PIAC - dip a Wondfo and a digi, and set the timers (5min and 3min respectively...)

Watch the "Pregnant" pop up on the digi (SQUEEEEEE!) and check for a second line (decent shade, considering it's late evening) on the Wondfo.

Then I decide to haul Button back downstairs (two flights!) to his playroom, to try and crack open a new paint set so he can make Daddy a picture that I'll try to "hide" somewhere the writing "Big Brother!"  Panic ensues because I couldn't get the damn paint open (seriously?!) and nearly spilled the red all over the carpet once I did get it open... faintly write "BigBrother" in blue crayon on the BACK of the picture and set it on the highchair in the kitchen - envisioning E picking it up and flipping it over (for some reason) and seeing the words...

Then I take a picture of the digi test (what's plainer than that gray-scale word!) to send him via text about a minute after he walks in the door, in case he skips over the painting...

Got bases covered, right?


WRONG

He arrives, my heart starts pounding with excitement, and nothing happens the first few minutes.  I HEAR my text come through on his phone, but he's too occupied with saying hi to and playing with Button... (COME ON! Be a bad dad once and check your phone!!!)

I point out the "painting" - which he does look at the back, but assumed his sisters helped Button paint and, well - he (E) is their "Big Brother" - FACE PALM!!!

Then he FINALLY picks up his phone, only to glance at it (probably sees it's just a text from me) and then plugs it in without another glance.

 SERIOUSLY?!?!?

At this point I'm about to collapse with anxiety/nerves/excitement... I am trying to be nonchalant, wandering around the house, wiping the stove, putting a dish in the dishwasher, waiting for him to discover SOMETHING...

I finally decided to just go upstairs (get a full laundry basket of dirty clothes) and bring him the actual damn digi test... and said, "Since you didn't quite get the message on the picture, and won't check your phone, HERE!!!!" (but not in a really mean way. lol)


And - aw man, he was so excited =)

and tossed Button and shouted, "You're gonna be a big brother!!!! Do you want a baby?!" (to which Button replied, "Yea!" meltsmyheart)

All this to say - E is so excited, and so positive about it - and I need the positivity, because my mind still can't help but add on the caveat "If everything works out ok..."

And he tells me, he doesn't "want to do the secrecy thing this time, because it's the second one" and I am totally on board with that because, (I CANT HELP IT DAMMIT)
 "if shit hits the fan" - I want people - family, my bestie Dee, etc - to know what was, and what happened...

Of course, I still want to wait until after the first doctor appointment (more importantly the first u/s to see/hear a hb!) which I'm hoping I can schedule the week before Mother's Day and we can tell the Grandmas the great news on their day!



Big Breath:         Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.

More craziness... 11DPO

this was my morning so far:

woke up 1+ hour earlier than normal... decided to temp, then decided mid-temp-taking NOT TO BE CRAZY and took BBT out.

Decided 1 minute later to temp...

98.1

still nice and high... (which means what exactly, K!?)


Quietly get up, PIAC and dip some Wondfo.

During the 5 minute wait, go and get Button up - while his overnight diaper is LOADED, his PJs are dry - WIN!

Change him, check the time - 2 minutes left...

We read a book (he flips the pages and points to the apples and monkeys...)

it's time...

There's still a second line, it's faint - let me grab yesterday morning's test!

It's slightly darker - in the sense that 10DPO was still a bit of a squinter, and 11DPO is easily visible to the non-squinting naked eye...

Hide test in bathroom jewelry case... because I STILL haven't told E...

Think to myself, I know I said last night that I would tell him this morning after getting a nice reassuring 2nd line - but it's still lighter than I like (but definitely slightly darker than yesterday) so maybe I'll run out at lunch and pick up some digi's and more FRERs (OH! I still have that one in the bottom drawer! maybe I'll use it this afternoon!)

Once at work, I pore over that beta site - hm the "median" ((is that average?!)) betas at 10DPO are 43, but wait - the "median" at 11DPO is only 34... STUPID WEBSITE! and what does that mean in reference to what my beta might possibly be? I wonder if I should call the dr at lunch and be that crazy lady asking for betas...

Then I remote connect to my home computer and stare at pictures of previous BFPs at 11DPO (first being from MMC and second being from Button's pregnancy...)
AH yea, ok - see, that one is just as light as today's!!! but - I tried to take a pic of today's on my phone and the second line didn't register... but I KNOW it's so dark enough to see at first glance in person... WHAT IF IT ISN'T AS DARK AS PREVIOUS TESTS ON 11DPO?!



Welcome to crazy-town... it just got crazier

A Confession...

First off, I almost died Monday night...
well, more figuratively than literally (although it was damn close).

Gas cramps (those ones high up in your ribs? and you feel like a good burp or fart will fix them all?) started Monday at work right after lunch, and got so bad by 4pm I could barely sit up, so I went home (drove myself, was horrible...)
cramps continued, I consulted with Dr. Google (bowel obstruction! GONNA NEED SURGERY!) and my MIL (who's been an endoscopy nurse for years - poop is her business!) she guessed it was viral, and I would eventually vomit or have diarrhea. (YES! At that point, I would take anything if it meant the cramps would stop...)

Finally, while E was putting Button to sleep, I threw up.  AND HALLELUJAH the cramps had stopped... I was able to sit up and walk again, and so devoured dinner (albeit a slightly smaller than usual dinner). 

Went to bed around 11 as usual (even read a bit before!) and somehow woke up around 12:30 - can't remember if it was cramps or nausea that woke me, but I began vomiting again... after the first bout, I tried to lay back down in bed only to be overcome with nausea 20-30 minutes later...
Lather, Rinse & Repeat one more time, and I decided to camp out on the bathroom floor...

I knew I would need two plush robes eventually! One served as a pillow, the other a blanket... 2-3 more bouts of nearly dry-heaving (not much left in the tummy at this point...) and E came in with a damp wash cloth (heaven!) and to see if I was still alive (barely)...

I felt bad I was keeping him up (it was 3:30 at this point) so I had him help me get downstairs to the couch and prepare a bucket (popcorn bowl... now currently soaking with bleach and hot water).  That set up saw me dry heave and lamely line the bucket with gross bile...
(And Button woke up... so now E was dealing with a sick wife and a fussing toddler - who he ended up bringing to bed with him, and they proceeded to lay awake for about 45 minutes before Button finally passed out...)
I didn't get relief until about 5am, when I thankfully passed out...

That was the last of the vomiting, and miraculously - I had my appetite back by around 7:30 that morning when E brought me buttered toast and a banana (which I devoured...)

so - time for the confession...


Maybe it was the ravenous hunger I had (ok, toast and a banana filled me, but still) immediately following violent vomiting...

But something made me test that day, with horribly yellow/orange (hello! so dehydrated!) somewhat-first-morning-urine...

It was 9DPO, so don't ask - I have no idea what I was thinking

And in fact, it looked negative to me at the end of the 5 minutes (and why shouldn't it? AT NINE DPO!) 

So I set it aside, thinking I'd be a horrible cheat and look at it again in an hour... because that's what happens when you're crazy...


but guys.... a few hours later?


I got a "holy-shit-I'm-totally-seeing-things" second line...
a line that I had to twist and hold the pee stick to the sunlight and squint and could only see for a second before I didn't see it anymore... (which also makes me totally crazy, because that far outside the time limit SO DOESN'T COUNT!)

But..
Then I tested again this morning...
and saw a faint (but don't have to squint at all!) second line...
(and totally within the 5 minutes!!!!)



I haven't even told E yet...


ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod....


please be sticky...

might as well....

go all the way crazy, right?
(I'm talking crazy, like - I'm even chart-stalking myself for the cycle when I got pregnant with Button... apparently had a "gonna-vom-or-eat-my-left-arm" when I woke up in the mornings)

symptoms at 8DPO:

here we go...
1 - woke up with a feeling of low-blood-sugar /slash/ haven't-eaten-for-hours-NEED-FOOD.
    so there's that.

2 - I've been writing in a "DPO-Diary" (an unpublished blogger post. lol) that I feel "somewhat fatigued"
like last night, when I sat my ass down on the couch as soon as Button was in bed, and didn't move for hours.  and it's most likely because I had spent the entire day doing sidewalk chalk, swinging, riding our power-wheels quad and generally playing outside in between trips to Kmart and the grocery store and H&R Block to sign tax returns that E was working on with them... so yea, a good reason to be tired at the end of a busy Sunday.

3 - I also wrote "somewhat frequent peeing"
very ambiguous, right?
I mean - I peed three times by the time lunch came Friday, and was all - I definitely didn't drink more water than usual! and I usually don't pee once until lunch time!
but there is no getting up MOTN to pee.
(apparently, Button's BFP cycle I didn't really wake up before "usual morning time" to pee until 11DPO.)

((I told you I'm crazy, sitting here comparing each DPO to Button's cycle.))

4 - I went to jump with Button in the kitchen yesterday and upon the first jump, thought "OW my boobs!"
And I'm sure you're all, "silly girl - what woman WOULDN'T feel some pain in their boobs when they jump??"
This girl... because ever since I stopped pumping, the ladies have been riding in a cool A cup. (barely.)
so, add to the list "somewhat sensitive nipps and somewhat sore boobs"

5 - how about a "somewhat" elevated sense of smell?? I noticed (which I don't usually of course) E's rank morning breath all weekend... and it's like the cup of oatmeal (cooled off now) that is currently on my desk is still sending out scent-smoke-signals that make it seem like I'm sitting in a factory in the middle of the cookie-making-shift...

5 - am I not really PMSing like usual? "Usual" being that the full calendar week before AF I'm a total raging bitch (mostly to E - I can't really let it fly at work.  even though I do sometimes... lol)
so - I am somewhat not as bitchy as usual PMS...


really convincing, right?


ADDED after publishing:
  for posterity (and for Next(IfThere'sANext) Cycle so I can look back and say, NOPE not PG symptoms!)
I can't forget to mention frequent pooping.
YUP.
I'm "usually" (there's that word again) an every-three-or-so-days kinda gal.  How about once a day from Thursday through yesterday... (and slightly constipation-type poop...)
also can't forget to mention - as of this morning I'm noticing the getting winded from things like climbing stairs (which normally don't "Wind" me...)
/end of update.

I tell myself I won't test any earlier than 11DPO, but then I see beta charts like this one and read (and re-read) sites like this for the sensitivity of wondfos (sites say anywhere from 10-25miu) vs FRERs (again, I've seen posts indicate anywhere from 10-25miu) and I'm like, TOTALLY TESTING TOMORROW!! (only 9DPO. lol)

And then I tell myself just wait it out and continue temping - will it stay up?? will it plummet?!

who wouldn't agree, a plummeting temp is a LITTLE bit easier to see than a glaring single line...

And hence the title.  Might as well go balls-to-the-wall-crazy, right?

Wall - Meet Head

I want to do this:

Because even after (I think/thought) AF arrived, I'm still wondering if I might be KTFU...

(right? who does that?! I am NOT some newbie!!)


It all started .. one dark rainy night... (haha just kidding)


It began when (What I thought was) AF arrived way early, with a random splotch of pink spotting one day, and CD1 the next. (I guess it barely even meets "CD1" standards of needing a tampon or pad - because this cycle never really did reach its usual heaviness, I only really used panty liners...)
"AF" has now continued 3-4 days past its usual length, with random brown spotting the entire time...

Next thing I noticed was a very high cervix still (like, O-time-high) on CD26, about 8-9DPO (the day of pink spotting).

Today, ye olde Gate to Uterus is still very high, very closed.

And of course anything I read says that "CP before menstruation is very low, dry and sticky."

OF COURSE.

What's more - I've had weird acid bumps on my tongue for a day or two now - like, all over.  and a little bit white-ish.  Which led me to discover pregnancy(hormone)-related oral thrush.

OF COURSE

And then, during snowboarding with bestie-Dee yesterday (awesome-ness complete with beer, shots* and girl-talk (*shots because, Hello - AF, right?!?!)) she said something that I still hear ringing in my ears:
 that she "had a few glasses of wine the night before her BFP (for her 9-mo-old son) and only because she had thought she had gotten her period and didn't think she was pregnant!"

*Not what someone in my position needed to hear...

Add to that crazy-mix the fact that I fell asleep Saturday night on the couch at 9:30 (pretty early, even for me - but not totally surprising after CKO kickboxing at 8:15 that morning...)

So.

I'll be peeing on things when I get home tonight.

and will later most likely just toast a weird AF with some Redd's Apple Ale (hard cider)

(and then make an appointment to see a dentist about my weird tongue!)


Now excuse me, I have to go pee (for the third time in the last hour - which is most likely because I'm drinking lots of water.

RIGHT?!)

a philosphical LateBloomer

who knows if it's all that is going on with SIL right now that makes me philosophical lately...
(speaking of - I went to see her last night at her (no longer theirs?) apartment... everything was bagged up, portraits and art taken off the walls...

She was sitting on the couch.  Just sitting there.
As I hugged her, we both cried, her saying the words that E had told me she wailed two nights ago - "I can't believe my life is at this point...")


Button is at grandma's house today (coincidentally, daycare was closed with the snow storm - so it all worked out!) and his Aunt is there - hopefully his chubby-cheeked smiles help...


ok back to the philosophical.

I know there are a number of first-time mothers that freak out when they don't feel that "magical immediate and instant connection the second they hear their baby's first cry" (or "look into their squinty eyes"... or "have their teeny little fingers grasp yours"... enter your phrase here.)

I felt like one of those moms... wondered if I was missing some innate gene, and with that missing feature, I didn't feel the MyHeartExistsOutsideMyBody kind-of-feeling for awhile...

Of course, looking back - I can't remember the exact moment, or moments, or stretch of days where it happened - because now, I love that booger so much it hurts.  I read stories like the one YahooParents has on its homepage this morning (god.  a depressive father, whose wife has just requested a separation, who killed his two kids and then himself.  GOD....) and before my brain synapses even finish firing off the thought of "can you imagine getting a call that something happened to button?!" (had trouble even tying that!) my entire being starts to ache at the contemplation. 

This morning I was reading an old blog entry of a BL mom (whose son died from SIDS at 4 months old) and found a section that made me go, "holy shit.  that's it... I think, 19 months later, I've realized why I might have had that "missing gene" at first..."

"When [Baby] came into this world, I was almost afraid to give in and become fully attached for the fear of this exact situation. That sounds awful doesn't it? But I think it's completely natural to almost distance yourself just the least bit in order to protect yourself from being completely and utterly devastated."

Self-preservation is such a strong instinct... I honestly think that, having gone through a loss (albeit at 12w and nowhere near a full-term or peri- or neonatal loss) I was afraid, nay - TERRIFIED - to love this combination of E and I, to love him so hard and so much, and to have something happen, to have something tear that away, as once had happened...

I used to wake up (or never fell asleep to begin with) and stare at the monitor (thank the lord for video ones...) and go cross-eyed trying to see his chest or back still rising and falling.  I would jump up and run into the nursery if the blurry digital screen didn't fulfill, tiptoeing up to the side of his crib, and hold my breath as I listened to his come in and out...


I was always ok with how my feelings progressed and developed into the full-blown ones they are today about Button. I knew at the time, thanks to articles and other blogs, I wasn't some freak that couldn't love her baby.  I had faith that it would all develop, and of course it did...

It just really helped to read that blog entry this morning, to feel even more validated and comfortable being a "late bloomer..."





ALSO - recently my BFF Dee put it perfectly (as we booked one thing after another) - "We're just going to keep doing awesome things in March!"
Hittin' the BList hard this month!
          this Saturday -  CKO Kickboxing with Dee (and fBFF. *SIGH*) BAM!
          next Tuesday - MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! (emailed pictures last night to artist, CANNOT wait to see the final designs!)
          March 26th   -  Jersey Boys on Broadway with Dee
          March 29th   -  a Sunday morning BYO Brunch & paint class with the girls!
                 (BTW) these things are SO MUCH FUN, highly recommend it for a date night or your next girls' night!

CycleStatus: 
CD15
OPKs still negative (as of this morning)
low to medium, firm & closed cervix
drinking POM daily now, and plan on crunching the good olde pineapple core after O (because that's what I did the cycle of Button's BFP... why not, right? lol)

update: bullet-point style

• I didn't test this morning
• no sign of AF.  At All.
• still seeing/imaging/making-up symptoms (headache, the nauseous* hunger (*BTW - I STILL can't spell that word, blogger corrects me every time...) the fatigue...
• officially one of the longest LPs I've had (since tracking / in the last few years of TTC)

Did I O even? I mean - pretty decent fertile signs about 12-13 days ago: highish cervix, some WHOA-that's-STRETCHY! CM/discharge - all this followed by the closing-of-shop: cervix dropped  (in fact, so low - *shudders at what I'm about to type* it was barely even half a knuckle "up there") and shut up tight.
I even kept checking for a few days after to make sure it wasn't a fluke...  

 My Ovulation Chart (in case chart doesn't link)
(oh also - ignore the +OPK... I only put it in to trigger a DPO count... )




(SIGH)
 I think I'll be breaking out that FRER tomorrow morning...

Listen..

Listen - just let me indulge my craziness for a bit, eh? Cold hard reality will set in eventually...

Tested again last night (I know, no first morning urine again...)
BFN.

another one this morning, with FMU for a change...

And as of this morning, there was no sign of AF at 12DPO (which is a "long" LP for me - AF usually shows exactly ON 12DPO...)

I was still (imagining/having?) symptoms - headache, nauseous-hunger... had to restrain myself from looking up bad batches of wondfos...
 I've got a FR (not sure if it's an FRER) that I was tempted to use this morning - but that meant I was basically calling the Wondfos liars... (unless - BAD BATCH?!)





But as of lunch today - (TMI warning? nawwww - no such thing on a TTC blog...) a CP check (not sure why I did one, lol) brought about some light brown, so it seems the crimson tide is creeping closer to shore...


And that's ok.

This is totally so different than TTC #1 (especially TTCAL - when we reached almost 18 months from the date I stopped birth control...)

That was pure desperation.  Utter knee-knocking fear when the timer went off at 5 minutes, indicating it was time to go check for those two pink lines.

Heart-pounding seconds as eyes focused in on the "test" line area on the pee stick...


Desperation.



This time, the 3-4 BFNs (but who's counting...) this week brought my shoulders a little lower, and drew a quick sigh of disappointment (but seriously?! I expected to be KTFU on the first cycle?!)

 But today, I think I'll start hydrating hardcore for my hot yoga class tonight (after which, I'll quickly shower and hopefully get to the liquor store before they close.  And if I don't make it, I believe there's a little Tennessee Jack Daniel's Honey in the freezer with my name on it...)


And tomorrow?


Buying some pom juice (can't hurt right? lol oh to quickly fall back into old TTC habits)
Buying some OPKs
Making dentist appointment (awful root canal NEEDS to get done!)
Making tattoo appointment to get a design drawn this weekend!!


Basically, some more Buggy List.

(Also - a quick Wardrobe Wednesday! (I almost totally forgot about this series... LOL))
SO these leggings, I loved them when I saw them in a funky boutique store in TX... and then they sat in a drawer for months maybe a year with me clueless how to rock them...
enter a men's dress shirt layered under a gray sweater, some riding boots and cuffs - and voila!

An actual (gratuitous) work-bathroom shot!

(Because, seriously - you try to find the right words to google
to find an image of THOSE pants!)



Also?

I made those boot-cuffs... now taking orders! =)

Dpo

So yesterday (Sunday) - coffee tasted like utter crap...

the second I took the first sip, what usually is like a little bit of heaven - that first hot sip - was definitely not good.

Did I not put enough sugar? ooooooooor pregnant symptom?!
So then I added more sugar, and then it tasted like utter too-sweet crap...

And that stupid 7dpo BFN.
I tried to dig it out of the bathroom trash Saturday night night... but it had fallen, like those teeny tiny wondfos will do, far past where I was willing to dumpster-dive...

(Note to self : use first morning urine next time, and then destroy the evidence.. HPT bonfire?)

This morning?
I felt so fucking moody at home, pissed at E because I woke up early, jumped in the shower and got myself ready and he slept in (makes no sense right?)
and then I got pissed at him for leaving an entire cup of Button's milk out overnight (are we both at fault and that's why I didn't rub E's nose in it this morning?)
and I thought, Ugh this is fucking PMS

And then I got even more bitchy because I'm pretty sure I'm PMS-ing, which means AF is on her way.

I didn't dare test..


The battles in my brain:


I am able to wake up with ease even at 7am (I usually snooze my alarm for 30-40 minutes, and I had noticed myself waking up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed during 1st Tri with Button...)
but
I'm PMSing like a pro

I'm not waking up for MOTN pee's
but
I've had that slight not-painful-but-mostly-annoying headache that I had the last few days before testing with Button...

I get the shaky haven't-eaten-yet feeling when i get to work, even though I had a bowl of cereal at home...

my regular DD coffee: french vanilla, skim milk + 2 sugars - still tastes funny...

it used to taste like heaven (even more than at-home-brewed coffee!) at the first sip...

I had horribly dry eyes all day friday at the computer - like, unprecedented dry eyes... (oh that's a pregnancy symptom! Ignore the website that says it usually starts around the end of the first trimester...)

This morning I got all road-ragey (I honestly don't even remember why, because I was barely off our street when I started cursing)
and then I cursed (silently) again, thinking I'm a horrible mother, because Button is sitting in the backseat listening...

And now - second time needing to pee in an hour. oooo!
Most likely because the coffee I just finished is a diuretic. duh.

**and let's not miss what just happened at lunch: I thought a coworker was setting down a plate of steak being served so I grabbed a piece. 

I accidentally ate off of his personal plate.. 

and my brain has been on-and-off since this morning when I almost got into the wrong black SUV after dropping off Button..


I've already decided - if this cycle is BFN, I'm making two phone calls on CD1:
1. dentist (yes, the root canal I was supposed to begin/continue as soon as Button was born? *hangs head...*
still not done...

2. Tattoo shop.  
=)

Back to The Buggy List!!

I lied (the big Reading CatchUp Post)

(I lied the other day when I said I'd post that night - here it is Saturday and I'm getting to it...)

Also - I tested (BFN) around noon today.

Don't ask me why, I have never tested before 11DPO.  Ask me why the F*%CK I tested today at 7(ish)DPO.    

SIGH




ANYWAYS - 
BOOKS

I've read 7 books of the list of 50:
     #1 - The People of Sparks, by Jeanne DuPrau (A book set in the future, #35 of 50)
     #2 - Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult (A book from an author you love but haven't read yet, #16 of 50)
     #3 - Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult (*decided category: a book that made you cry, #38 of 50)

and then so-far-un-reviewed:
     #4 - Big Girl Small by Rachel DeWoskin (a book by an author you've never read, #41 of 50)

                

             from Amazon.com:
                 "Judy Lohden is your above-average sixteen-year-old, with a voice that can shake an  
                 auditorium. She should be the star of Darcy Arts Academy, so why is she hiding in a seedy 
                motel room? Perhaps it has something to do with a devastating scandal---and the fact that 
                Judy is three feet nine inches tall. Big Girl Small is a scathingly funny book about dreams 
                and reality, at once light on its feet and profound."
       
       (The following is (almost) verbatim from my "book journal" - words I wrote as soon as I finished 
       the book, so SPOILER ALERTS - and alot of it may not make sense unless you've read the book)
       This book was narrated by Judy, a "little person," and for some reason, as I read, I kept picturing, not
       just a midget (like from "Little Women of LA" - crazy weird show) but The World's Smallest Women:

(who, by the way, is only 23 inches... alot shorter than the 3ft9inches in the book...)

       But this imagery made it hard to imagine certain scenes, like the "scandal" that was alluded to in the synopsis - she loses her virginity to a classmate, in a very anti-climatic manner (no pun intended!)  He seems to be using her and the scandal (that I was able to somewhat guess) erupted. This scandal (trying to avoid spoilers now actually) drove Judy to run away and hole up in a dingy hotel.
       I could palpably feel her despair, that full dread as she walked into her house the day the scandal broke, and could tell with one glance that her parents knew, and with one glance could tell that her favorite teacher knew: "The first time I felt I disappointed her..." as Judy says.
       We all strive for approval and acceptance from people - some of which we think, at the time especially, are the most important in the world.  In Big Girl Small, Judy could only see at the end, but was able to see - that the world is a much bigger place than her highschool - people are very abosrbed in their own worlds the second after they read of other people's scandals/drama.  Having experienced similar situations as Judy during my teenage-dom, and being in possesion of distance from the original situations, I can look back and brush things off, having learned that the world - even my eventual immediate world - was going to be so much bigger than whatever "small thing" had happened.
       So I was glad to read that Judy was able to recognize that her world would survive beyond this scandal, especially so soon after the scandal died down...



Outside of the book journal "review" - overall a well written book, it felt a little YA - but was a good, relatively quick read.


(and for the sake of blog entry lengths, books #5, #6 and #7 will [be continued!]

First official 2ww of TFAS

BLAGH
damn those acronyms

Symptom Spotting 2015 Season has begun...

A constant slight headache that comes and goes randomly
(although that could be - is in fact most likely - from dehydration after hot yoga last night)

Frequent peeing - woke up last night! Haven't woken up to pee since 1st trimester with Button!
(but also could be from drinking water before bed with my prenatals..)

That slightly-nauseous-hunger around 12:30... and 3pm... (and craving cinamon buns two nights ago so much that I made a whole batch...)

but seriously who am I kidding - I'm (pretty sure I'm) only 6DPO. (although at the same time, "already" 6dpo? with a "typical/usual" LP of about 12 days, I'm halfway through The Wait?!)

 Feel free to stalk and analyze with me when the hell I O'd...

But this is just ridonkulous:
ZOMG I feel slightly nauseous - I totally think I'm pregnant!!! 

and then,
wow I was totally bitchy tonight to E - probably because I'm PMS'ing, as always the week before AF shows... *SIGH*

I wanna slap myself in the face...


I forgot how much I disliked this part of TTC...




**Will get a large update to you about the 2015 Reading List later tonight - I've started keeping a book journal by the bed (which is where I usually am when I finish a book!) so I can immediately jot down thoughts and reviews instead of waiting a few days (or *ahem* weeks...) and trying to remember the book and my fresh reactions to it so I can blog...