They had such a good time with the kiddos (first time meeting Ms. Mack!) and it was the first quiet night (E was out of town watching the rocket launch in Florida) and the kids had just gone to bed - so we sat on the couch with
And then my grandmother, an only child, told me that her mother (forever and always formally called "Mother," as her generation was raised so...) - she told me that my great-grandmother had a stillborn before delivering her baby daughter... a little boy born silently into this world...
It was my first time in 31 years hearing that my grandmother was not an only child... and hearing it now as a mother myself, my heart broke for a loss that happened decades ago, the same as it broke when the ultrasound tech at The Appointment shared with me about her 5-month-pregnancy loss, that happened 20+ years ago...
These women (and soooo many others) carry their losses with them for life - and I am so grateful for the women I've met who so graciously shared their stories, mostly, I think, as reassurance and empathy after my miscarriage... as a "you are not alone" arm around the shoulders:
A hug from our across-the-street-neighbor, a woman with three grown boys, who had a miscarriage between each and every pregnancy...
A comforting squeeze from a friend of my SIL - who I can even remember seeing with her husband at a summer party just a few days/weeks after their miscarriage (also around 12 weeks, if I remember correctly) wondering, not having any idea, how they could feel, and be at a party... how I wondered what to say - act is if it never happened? - I know now... (hopefully I gave her a good squeeze, and stuck to the I'm so sorry...)
So much love from my MIL, who had a miscarriage, followed by her third child, a sweet baby boy, who didn't see his first birthday, after a fight with childhood leukemia (I still find I remind myself of that - this woman, who can sometimes seem so ditsy and loopy, has suffered through burying her child YEARS before someone "should" be buried...)
I don't always remember to remember dates from my first ill-fated pregnancy - the date of loss passing quickly in a blur of calendar days crossed off work-week by work-week... or the due date that, should "everything have gone to plan," we could expect to head off to the hospital and meet our new little...
This November 30th will mark the 4th year that the date came and went... the first year I was so grateful, but fraught with nerves as I marked "34 weeks left!", to be expecting a new little sweet pea. The next year, life didn't even pause, as we traveled cross-country with our adorable 4-month-old Button... and the third year? even busier - in fact, too busy to blog, so Halloween (daycare parties to bake for, costumes to shop for, pumpkins to carve) wasn't posted on until December!
(I guess it's another look-back post... lol)
All that to say, this year will most likely be similar - we'll be just past a flurry of Thanksgiving festivities: fighting with homemade lattice-work crusts for the in-high-demand-by-FIL apple-pie, trying to keep over-zealous in-laws from feeding Ms. Mack food in sizes/chunks she's not ready for yet (but might be soon! First tooth breaking through any hour now!) and glutton-ing ourselves until we're too full to do anything but loll in front of the TV...
some famous quote - If you are constantly looking back, you're going to miss what's right in front of you... (or something like that! you get the sentiment!)
I guess I've been doing a decent job of looking forward, and not back...
Just like the women who shared with me, I will be busy with life, and my living children, the day-to-day banality of work, dogs, chores and hobbies; yet every once in awhile, I'll give myself a squeeze, think of the ultrasound picture tucked away in my nightstand, and toss up an I'll love you forever! to the sky, letting it float off my finger tips, before I turn and help Button wipe his tush once more... (ha!)
