I need more flowers...

I was doing so good yesterday after a little flower-power... 
After a torrential downpour the previous day, I made it home to eat lunch and soak up some sun on the back deck - I feel all chic and european at my little bistro set.  (Except when it's CD1 and I've cracked open a cold BudLight and dripped grease from a juicy cheeseburger.  As American as it gets...)

So this morning, when the BBT beep-beep-beeped, I was all pumped and expecting/wanting/hoping-as-hard-as-I-could to see another nice high temp at 13DPO... *sigh*
Stupid hope.

If I had to make a checks and balances for today so far, pros and cons - Goods and Bads... Well, here's hoping there's more good later today to even this all out:


Going against me today:

   1. Big temp drop this morning.  Big as in, more than a half a degree. 
   2. Got an email from some CordBanking company - "Congrats, your pregnancy is more than half over!"  
           ...Thanks for the reminder of where I SHOULD be, and on a possible CD1 to boot, AssHats.  Go Eff Yourself
   3. Epic lawsuit at my job that's been raging for 2+ years reared its ugly head again, and I've got another three page list of documents to gather and procure in the next week or so...
   3. Then I did probably the Worst Thing possible - extended the hope and shamelessly chart-stalked on FF and found one that I liked:  -HPT on CD11, temp drop and then a +HPT

I'm trying not to feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for this, but here goes...

Things going FOR me today:

     1. AF has NOT shown up yet, with no sign anywhere on the horizon...

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings!!



     2. I gots me another "BAD ASS" flower on today.  The second I popped the BBT out (of my mouth!) and saw the temperature, I was already planning an outfit around this badboy:

    3. I got a hot date tonight with my gf at the famous sushi place - strawberry basil martinis anyone?!   (Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place: if AF doesn't show, am I still on team Drink-til-its-Pink??  I only don't want AF to show for a GOOD REASON and the only good reason would be TWO PINK LINES! Hear me universe?!  I know you gotta be spe-CI-FIC about things here - like the guy who wished his wife was years younger than him and more beautiful, and HE aged 20 years instead!)

Ok - Here's a positive to add - I'm doing it.  A blog give-away.

For me, these flowers are a little reminder of a hope, soul-crushing though it occasionally may be, that I should keep in front of me, like a donkey following a dangling carrot.

I believe there will be a BIG reward payout at the end of this journey, and I want to always  remember the hope that I try to keep alive during this all. Because even though it is one big Mo-Fo roller coaster, without hope - there's nothing. 

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering 'it will be happier'...”
― Alfred Tennyson

Out of the first 20 comments, one will be randomly drawn to win a Flower of Hope.  Once the drawing's done, I'll mention the winner in the very next blog entry - I'll also get in touch with you to find out what kind of flower you'd like - ring, necklace, pin, etc. 

So tell me, what's your TTC/TTCAL talisman?  What stands as a reminder of hope for you during this process?

Hope & Flower Headbands

I can't claim credit for this and I can't remember where I read it - but it stuck like hell:

Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope - but hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find the heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

A BFFN* yesterday morning left me in a serious funk - the kind where you feel you could fall apart and into hysterics at the drop of a pee stick.

*Yes, I know - not in the glossaryy. Let me assist here: BIG FAT FUCKING NEGATIVE.

The funk lasted for alot of the morning - but when I went to the bathroom, and examined myself in the mirror above the sink, I remembered - I was wearing my flower headband.

This tiny little metal frame with a tiny little wire mesh flower.  And that flower was like, "dude - don't you remember?

You're BAD ASS.  Nothing can conquer you - you're wearing a metal flower, for godsakes!"

And just like that - funkiness slowly backed down and away, all "Didn't meant to step on your toes - my utmost apologies!"

But now my stupid body's like, "let's REALLY try to mess with her and throw every symptom at her that we can!"

Aside from pinchy implantation-ish cramps around 5-6DPO, there's not a TON that make me think PREGNANT! PREGNANT!

Except: the utter exhaustion and fatigue smacked me in the face last night.  After a good, or at least TYPICAL, night's sleep, I walked in from work at 6:15, made dinner, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

And THEN: this morning's temperature? at 12DPO? (and JUST LIKE the bfp cycle?!)

It went up again.

And a typical not-pregnant post-ovulation trend?!

"hey nice chart - looks pretty Wonky!"

You can see where this all starts to mess with a girl's head...

I can remember right after BFF's CP (enough acronym's for you? wait there's more...)

The next month, her period was at least a week late but she was terrified to test.

I even had some digi. HPT's for her to use, but she would NOT touch them because they were the same brand that gave her positives for her CP. (I still don't understand this rationalism - the TEST caused your CP?)

Anyways - I can understand that Not-Wanting-To-Test thing.  It keeps hope alive for a little bit longer.  I will look back at this moment of hope from one of two places: 

either sobbing, clutching (and spilling) a glass of Pinot - hell, of Jack Daniels!

Or sobbing, clutching a +HPT.

But right now, at exactly 3 months from my d&c, there's hope... Worthless stinking, heart-breaking HOPE.

 Moments Captured 2012 copyright

... and then there was Texas

It's all bigger, and HOTTER, in Texas!!

Last Wednesday, E and I did the usual pre-vacation shpeal - basically staying up late entertaining our friends who were watching Rocco for us, and staying up even later to get packed the night before our flight.
So after about 3 hours of sleep (YES - enough to get a solid TTC temp!!) and at the ASS CRACK of dawn - literally: 3am - we got up and got ready to head to the airport.

Dropped the car, shuttled to the airport, and blearily loaded up on Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and caffeine and what a wise decision on the caffeine.

We landed in Texas and went straight out for margaritas - frozen and salted yummy-ness - before we even dropped our suitcases at the house!

And when we DID get to the house, we barely had time to throw on our swimsuits and head out to the pool for some good-natured *AHEM CUT THROAT* volleyball...

More drinks - plastic martini glasses... There's nothing that screams summer more!

 

And while HOME-home was a cool mid-seventies, home-away-from-home was rarely below 100 degrees after 11am...

We delved into summer memories...
(..."the ORIGINAL ice cream maker was a HAND CRANKED maker! We had to take turns because your arms would get so tired!"
... the price you pay for your dad helping with the motorized ice cream maker...)

















An era with homemade ice cream on your front stoop in summer, with hoop skirts and being pinned by your highschool sweetheart at homecoming, with drive-in movie dates and Bobby Darin on the car radio - I didn't want to leave!

An era that instilled marriage as a holy and lifelong union and commitment.  If you're wondering, this is what 31 years of marriage looks like:








(The second time EVER he has taken off his wedding band.)

(The first time was when he jammed his middle finger - the one all swollen and bent, never properly healed.)

((Stubborness and doctor-avoidance : another remainder of past eras.))

(((ok I'm done with parentheses.)))

We rounded out the trip with multiple volleyball games carried way into the night:

And a cavern exploration - did you KNOW that Texas used to be underwater?!

On the TTCAL side - I'm 10DPO.  *GULP*

That means I'm in testing range...
(We'll see how long I hold out...)

First, there was a birthday...

I know, I know - it's been almost a week...  I'll take a slap on the wrist like a big girl...

And it's only a quick prelude-post until I can get home and sort through aaaalll the pictures (although who knows when that may happen - this is just the MAIL that built up since Thursday!!)

But E and I had a fabulous time with family while we continued my birthday celebrations, we ended the trip with FirstClass travel (!) and are, honestly, quite glad to be out of the 100+ degree heat of central Texas!

(please don't fret, and please hang tight - there'll be so much more tonight!)



Another year, but Forever Young!

Usually, the older you get the smaller your birthday celebrations are.  I think it should be, the older you get - the BIGGER the celebration!

So begins my birthday week!

Sunday night, E had all of our friends and family over for a Birthday BBQ which was a major success, despite the weather's efforts to rain on my parade...

On my actual birthday, yesterday, E made me a seriously fluffy pancake breakfast, complete with fabulous lovey-dovey card.
















Don't forget the fruit!

I was relieved to finally get home to wine and berries later that night after a looong day at work - yes I had to work on my birthday, serious tragedy and yet just a #firstworldproblem...

And even though I'm SERIOUSLY slacking on the whole be-active-and-be-a-beach-body part of the buggy list, I DID NOT forget about the slinky-dress-night-on-the-town part!!!

Dinner...

Drinks...

and one Daring Dress...

Just Epic.

It's been a few days (GASP) since the last post, so I promise big rewards for patient followers!!

A really good friend from over at More Salt flew to NYC to come visit me over the weekend, and let me tell you, did we PAINT THE TOWN RED...

We left our first mark on the town of Seaside Heights, where E's family has a shore house, and where we promptly hit the ground running!


We packed in visits to the beach, the Shore Store, the Aztec AND Beachcomber for some sun, souvenirs, salty beers and salacious crab legs - in that order!

 




The best Girly drinks for girls night are of course, wrapped in girly labels - pink and black!





















And then we switched it up and went with boy colors, because everyone needs some balance! (we mostly just needed the hydration after a day of drinking in the sun!)

 

PHOTO TAKEN BY MORE SALT!

We then traipsed all over NYC:  The journey started in the Upper West Side at La Casa Muffin, and after fueling up at the famous Gray's Papaya, we trekked to Times Square (where we got caught up with the tourist-y vibe and paid SIXTEEN DOLLARS for two beers...)

That was followed by GroundZero and WorldTradeCenter, and then onto the Brooklyn Bridge.  We caught a subway back to Muffin's studio apartment just in time to get changed and rest briefly before heading out to dinner in Chelsea, where the waiter/host/WHOEVER was a hot little piece and verbally delivered the specials like they were sex on a plate... I needed a cigarette after we placed our order!

(Also, you will see no pictures from this time span because 1 - we were big time celebrating being in NYC with lots of wine and limoncello and cupcakes paired perfectly with pinot grigio which led to 2 - that we were WAY too busy living life to worry about recording the memories.  Some memories are better left fuzzy anyways...)

In fact, the next and only other shot I have from the Epic Visit is from a lazy Sunday in Central Park where, after sloughing through some nasty city heat and humidity, we enjoyed some post-hangover bagels and berries:

Delicious Post Script: The weekend was just what the doctor ordered - we commiserated and mourned our losses over some Blue Moons, and then bonded and became, what I'm SURE will be, life long friends.

Hey lady! Yea you - over at More Salt: 

Jersey and NY still don't know what hit 'em!

And you know what?

The marathon of life has handed off to us, on this relay leg at least, a complete shit stick for a baton -  and it was horribly bobbled - NEARLY DROPPED! - in the hand-off, to boot.  

But I sit and remember that there are multiple legs to a relay race - this one WILL end, and we WILL, at some point, be handed a bottle instead of a baton, and be blessed with the opportunity to run the Motherhood Leg.

And then I REALLY remember:

That's just it - it's not a destination you're trying to reach, and it's not a finish line you're trying to cross - it's ALL a journey.  

So sit back and enjoy the ride...

the Shock Factor

To start off with good news, my good blogger friend Wease, and soon to be IRL bestie, at More Salt is coming to visit for 4 days and arrives tonight!!  (I'm so freaking excited, I sit here at my desk at work, dancing like a 3rd grader on a Friday afternoon before a big sleepover!)

Every minute of every day is planned and scheduled with beach time, shopping, paddleboarding, martini time, NYC sight-seeing - and TONS of pictures - GET READY for an epic post on Sunday night from this most-likely exhausted gal!


But this morning turned VERY weird when the pregnant coworker came back into the office in tears.  Said she made an emergency doctor's appointment, she needed to go NOW, she was spotting and having really bad cramping.

I said OF COURSE! Go go, and I hope everything's ok.  And I sincerely meant that, cuz really - who the hell would really wish all of this on their worst enemy?

She text me within the hour to say she'd lost the baby, with a sad Android face, and that she'd be back in on Monday.

Me: "Oh I'm so sorry Asst... not a problem, take time to rest and heal..."

Her: "I go for a scrape on wednesday"

...

..

.

I'm sorry, WHAT?!

I sat and stared at my phone.  I couldn't believe she just said that.  A SCRAPE?!

Inner monologe begins:

Maybe that's what the doctor called it and she's just repeating it because she doesn't know that the term is "D&C."

But really? I don't think a doctor would say, "ok you'll need to schedule a scrape soon..."

So... maybe she's just angry and in shock.

But no, c'mon - even this is a little too much, coming from her... WHAT THE FUCK!?

I've decided to give her the benefit of the doubt - the shock and trauma obviously MUST have really hit her... but sometimes I wonder about people...

***

 

 It rained yesterday - and made cool spider webs catch and keep dew drops, just for me to photograph!

And lots of pretty green grass that caught the rest...

(and no, our lawn is NOT that long - it's some decorative long grass growing in our flower beds... bees or no, E is religious about keeping the lawn mown!)

So I stayed inside and got the ready for Wease to arrive, according to "Bunny Williams' Tips to Prep Your Home for Houseguests" from Country and Living!

Set out some nice flowers (dried counts right??)

Make sure your guest has a nice lamp to read by (just make sure there's oil in this antique hurricane lamp!)

And when I was done sprucing up (ok not much sprucing up was done - mostly took pictures - cleaning still to be done in the 2.5 hours until I run to the airport tonight) I rocked out in my haven: